Forgive Me Dean

Don't own them – but Christmas is coming!

He never realised just how much he meant to me and now it is too late to tell him.

He was my life; father, mother, brother and best friend, strange how one man can be so many things and, yet, not know it. He had so little self-worth and I never really knew why. I did know that his cocky exterior and flippant manner were just a cover for something deeper, something special, something irreplaceable and I wish that I could see him one more time, just to let him know how I felt about him.

He thought I would live my life without him. He was wrong. Without him I have no life, no purpose. He has been my rock since I was just six months old, how can I go on when that rock has crumbled into dust?

I know he would be disappointed, I know he will be angry and I know he would tear me a new one if he could get his hands on me. I know he wanted me to have my 'normal' life, wanted me to go back to school, graduate and maybe even get married, have a few kids.

I'm not going to be doing that now. I don't want to and he should have realised, really, how stubborn I could be.

The Grand Canyon is beautiful. He always wanted to see it and, when I look over the edge, I am seeing it for both of us. I wish that we had stopped hunting for just a minute to come and visit together.

I should have known, really, that wishes never really come true.

The sun is setting now and I turn back. The Impala shines. It is black and glossy, in the fading sunlight. It has never been my car, not really and it still belongs to him. I walk right on by, dragging my fingers across the cooling metal "I'm sorry girl" I whisper as I pass "I can't take you with me"

The trees are thick and make an excellent cover for me. I lie back on the damp earth and look up into the sky. Stars shine and the moon is bright and full. My mind wanders and I think about my dad, my mom, Madison, Jess and even Gordon Walker. I swallow hard as I remember Andy and Ava, people who have crossed my path and are now gone.

I hope there is a heaven because I know damn well there is a hell and, surely, there can't be one without another.

Dean went to hell for me and it burns more and more every day.

I wonder when it is over, where I will be, will I see Dean again or will it be Jess that greets me and helps me pass over.

For someone who has spent nearly twenty odd years fighting the unknown I have very few answers.

The gun is cold against my temple. The colt and only one bullet left. Bobby did a good job rebuilding her and, for that, I am grateful. It is a beautiful object and it feels somehow right that I should use it to bring about my end.

I close my eyes and turn my face into the wind.

"Forgive me Dean"

The End