-Steering Wheels And Speed Bumps-
A Tales of the Abyss Crack!AU by Digitaldreamer

Made with much crack!help from t3h Kaya/Darkle
Chapter One: A Manly Sort of Thing

Um...hi there! Welcome to my crack modern AU. Yay or something.

...wait, don't leave, I have cookies!

Right. Sooo...yes, this is my crack ToA AU, and also my first fic of the ToA sort. Thus, I cannot guarantee it'll be that awesome, seeing how this is my first time writing for the characters and I rarely write humor. I probably wouldn't have even wrote this...except, well, that's where my best friend gets involved.

She's the one who got me to play the game, and upon reaching the part where you get a permit for entering the Oracle Knights chamber...thing, she made the mistake of making the comment "Now they can drive!" Copious amounts of Mountain Dew and Ballroom Blitz by the Misfits on repeat did the rest.

So yeah...this really doesn't have much of a plot. It's just a bunch of crazy, cracked out situations with the ToA characters in a modern setting. They're all strung around Luke's attempts to learn to drive and get over his whole inferiority complex (who DOESN'T love to play with that giant ball of angst? I mean, come on), but overall it's just supposed to be a fun little fic. There will probably be plenty of fluff, though, seeing how I'm a sucker for that. I don't have any planned pairings for now...I can't guarantee there won't be some yaoi, but Luke/Tear is so terribly cute...

Also, it will be noted the title is subject to change. I'm awful at picking titles, this one is pretty dull...

Anyway, enough of me rambling, on with the fic!

Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss, there would be a lot more blatant gayness. Suffice to say, I do not own it.


When Guy opened the front door, he could smell something burning. He couldn't see the source of said smell, however, which was an improvement over last week, at least.

"...Damn it." Was the blond's first reaction as he shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch, where it joined other various articles of clothing in a small heap. "Luke!"

"Huh?" Immediately a bright redhead came poking out of the kitchen door, from where a cloud of arid smoke seemed to be pouring out.

Guy sighed, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. "What was it this time?" He asked as he weaved his way through the living room towards the source of the disaster.

"It wasn't that bad!" Luke exclaimed defensively as his friend brushed past him. "The scrambled eggs are fine! And I managed to put out the toaster with the fire extinguisher this time!"

"Huh." Guy blinked, then coughed and waved a hand in front of his face. "Well, that's an improvement...I'm amazed you managed to remember where it was."

"Well, actually it wasn't where it was supposed to be." The redhead admitted as he moved about to open the windows. "I think Asch had to use it on the dryer a few days ago..."

Guy paused in his examination of everything to ensure nothing else was still aflame, brow furrowing. "...Well, that would explain all the pieces of burnt sweater I've been finding..." He let out another sigh. "Honestly, I don't know how you two manage these things..."

Luke shrugged. "Hell if I know." He muttered, finally slumping into a chair at the table with a sigh.

The blond shook his head as he dumped the charred remains of Luke's attempt at cooking into the wastebasket. "Right, well...I stand by what I said before, Luke. Please don't try to cook when I'm not in the house." The seventeen-year old's shoulders slumped and Guy sighed. "Oh, come on, don't look like that. Cheer up. I'll make you something, alright?"

Luke immediately perked up, his green eyes wide and hopeful. "Can you make waffles!?"

Guy blinked, then gave a small chuckle. "Alright, alright, I'll make you your waffles..." He said as he pulled open the cabinets. "Assuming I can work out where the hell the waffle iron is anyway..."

"I thought it was with the canned food? Cause it's metal." Luke said, cocking his head.

The blond paused in his search. "...The canned food?"

"Yeah, right next to the corn!"

Guy blinked. "...We have corn?"

"Um, yeah..." Luke scratched his head. "I think Asch said he was going to make...Fajeetas or something."

This time Guy actually turned to stare at him. "...Fajeetas?"

"Yeah, fajeetas."

"...I don't think that's what you mean, Luke."

"Sure it is!" The redhead said brightly. "You know, like...a choco taco...except not..."

"...Okay, for one thing, choco tacos are not a Mexican invention, they just look like one." Guy said, scratching his head before turning back to his quest for the waffle iron.

Luke frowned as he leaned precariously on the back legs of his chair. "Yeah, I always wondered how the kept the ice cream from melting in Mexico..."

Guy let out a sigh and shook his head, saying nothing. Really, there was only so much he could do, and he didn't really want to put shattering Luke's apparent delusions over the Mysterious Land of Mexico on the agenda today. ("It is a mysterious land, they dance with strange hats there!" as Luke would say) "Aha!" The blond suddenly exclaimed, pulling out the waffle iron with a flourish, only managing to prevent an avalanche of pots and pans with extreme skill. "Found it! That explains why I couldn't find it, I think Asch was organizing everything again."

"That bastard!" Luke exclaimed dramatically.

"Yes, yes, that anal retentive bastard." Guy agreed solemnly as he set the waffle iron down and proceeded to dig around for more things. "Right, well, considering your twin's amazing ability to screw things up around here, this might take awhile. Why don't you go get out of your pajamas? We've got stuff to do today."

There was a 'Thud!' as Luke allowed his chair to drop onto all four legs. "We do?" The redhead asked, blinking. "But it's a Saturday!"

"Exactly." Guy said as he set the waffle mix down on the counter.

Luke's brow furrowed. "What, are we going shopping?"

Guy glanced back over his shoulder and grinned. "Well, I can't tell you yet, it's a surprise!"

"It is?"


"...I don't like your kind of surprises."

"Hey, hey, that thing on your birthday was totally unplanned!" Guy said as he pointed a spatula in Luke's direction. "...Although it was almost worth it for the look on Asch's face..." He added, allowing the spatula to drop to his side as a thoughtful look came to his face.

"Why is it I can't remember this? For some reason all that comes to mind is something involving candy canes..." Luke said, brow furrowing further.


"...Well, um, anyway!" Guy said quickly, smoothly changing the subject. "Today isn't that kind of surprise, so go on and get dressed!"

Luke frowned. "Why can't you just tell me what it is now?"

"You know I can't! Now go on, get dressed already!" Guy said, making a shoo-ing motion with his spatula. "Seriously, you're still wearing the apron..."

The redhead paused, then glanced down to note that he was indeed still wearing a slightly spattered white apron with the words "Kiss the Cook" scrawled upon it. "Oh yeah..." He tugged the thing off, holding it before him and blinking. "Funny, I don't remember you buying this thing..."

Guy's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about? I didn't buy it."

"Well,I didn't buy it!" Luke exclaimed. "So who..."

There was a silence.

"...No." Both spoke at the same time, their eyes wide.


"...I'm going to go...change now...yeah..."

"Yeeaah...I'm going to...you know...make waffles now."

"You do that."



With that, Luke edged out of the room. The two never spoke of The Apron again.


About twenty minutes later found Luke sitting at the table, freshly showered, his short, bright red hair brushed into some semblance of order. He was clad in a pair of baggy brown cargo pants (which really had far too many zippers and buckles to be safe, especially for Luke), a tight black t-shirt which really probably would have better suited a more feminine figure (sadly, this was decent as opposed to his original choice of a belly shirt, which Asch had the mind to be adamantly against his twin actually purchasing. Guy would have protested too, but he was hiding from the female sales clerk at the time.), and a white hoodie with gold trim and a strange black demon...thing printed on the back.

This hoodie was known as Luke's "Most Favorite Hoodie Ever" and it was also known as the only thing both Guy and Asch agreed on as "The Oddest And Most Likely to Be Possessed Thing Ever". Their constant battle to attempt to finally destroy the thing, consisting of such plots as setting it aflame (it was apparently impervious to fire), tying it to train tracks in front of an oncoming train (it somehow escaped and found it's way back to the house), and exorcising it (they still didn't understand why that priest had run away screaming) were a collection of tales that would shock and amaze many for ages, but will have to remain untold.

"Alright, here you go, Luke." Guy said as he slid a plate of steaming waffles across the table. "Fresh waffles, made by yours truly."

"Awesome!" Luke cried, snatching the bottle of syrup and proceeding to drown the poor waffles in the sticky substance before digging in. "Mmm...Thanks, Guy!" He said through a mouthful of waffle.

Guy gave a small chuckle as he slid into the seat across from Luke with a slightly smaller plate of his own, reaching out to take the syrup bottle. "No problem, Luke."

The redhead shoveled more of the waffles into his mouth before taking a gulp of his juice. "So, do I get to know what the surprise is yet?"

The blond frowned thoughtfully for a moment around a mouthful of waffles, then nodded and swallowed. "Alright, here's the deal." He said, eyes narrowing as he stared at Luke seriously.

"Luke," Guy said, taking a moment to pause dramatically. "Today is the day you become...a Man!"

There was a silence for a few seconds.

"Wait, are you saying I act like I girl!" Luke cried.

"What?" Guy blinked. "No, this has nothing to do with how you dress!"

"Oh..." Luke paused. "...What's wrong with how I dress!?"

"ANYWAY." Guy said, once again using his amazingly smooth skills to change the subject. "Today is the day you are going to become a Man."

"Um...okay...how does--"

"Yes, Luke." The blond continued as if his friend had not spoken. "Today is the day you are going to learn...TO DRIVE."

"...What? That's it?" Luke blinked. "...But...I don't want to learn to drive!"

Guy blinked. "You don't?"

"No!" The redhead exclaimed. "Why on earth would I need to learn to drive? I just catch a ride with you or Asch! ...Mostly you because if I dare to breathe in Asch's car he threatens to strangle me, but that isn't the point."

"Well...because...um...well, it's a MANLY thing, Luke." Guy said simply.

"It is?" Luke quirked a brow.



The blond let out a sigh. "Okay Luke, truth is, sooner or later you're really going to have to learn. Don't get me wrong, I love helping you, but sooner or later I'm going to have to...you know, actually get a job and all."

"But you get paid to live here!" Luke countered. "I mean, my dad pays you, right?"

"Well, yeah. But you're almost eighteen, so..."

"Oh yeah...right." The redhead's shoulders slumped and he let out a sigh.

Guy winced. "Oh, come on Luke, don't look like that. It's not like I'm leaving or anything. I mean, sheesh, if I left you two here by yourselves you'd burn the place down in a week. Just...you know, once you're old enough you're gonna have to fend for yourself in the real world, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know." Luke sighed, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. "Just...wish I didn't, that's all."

"And I wish I didn't shriek every time I was approached by women but, well, that's life." Guy said with a shrug.

"No, that's your freakish phobia." Luke muttered.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Guy said. "Anyway...well, look, once you start driving you might change your mind. It's kind of fun once you get the hang of it." He said with a reassuring smile.

"Uh huh." The redhead muttered, poking at the waffles he had been eating with so much relish earlier.

"Oh come on, cheer up." Guy said, taking another bite of his waffles. "Look, I promise once we're done I'll take you to the arcade, okay?"

"The arcade?" Luke perked up a little.

"Yup! It's been a few weeks since I properly schooled you at Mortal Kombat anyway." Guy said with a grin.

Luke snorted. "Yeah right, more like I schooled you!"

"That was only because you cheated that one time! You know how I feel about Chun Li!" The blond cried.

"That's excluding all the other times where your crazy phobia didn't get in the way." Luke said with a grin.

Guy huffed. "You're just asking for it, aren't you? You just wait."

Luke snickered. "Whatever you say, Guy."

The blond shook his head and stood, picking up his empty plate and glancing towards Luke's. "You done with that or you want more?"

The redhead paused, casting a glance towards the extra waffles that would buy him some time before his impending doom on wheels."Well..." He sighed, standing and handing his sticky plate to Guy. "I guess holding it off much longer will just make me feel worse..."

"That's the spirit!" Guy grinned, taking the plate and turning towards the sink. "Right, well, I'll just wash these and then we'll be off. You go get ready."

Heaving a dramatic sigh, Luke turned and headed for the door. "Alright..."

The redhead was already sure he was minutes from certain doom. He just had no idea just what an understatement "certain doom" was.


To Be Continued...

Please review and tell me what you thought! Criticism is always good too. Really, just any encouragement so I'll know if I should continue this or not would be great...