-How Do You Stop This Thing?-

A Tales of the Abyss Crack!AU by Digitaldreamer

Made with much crack!help from t3h Kaya/Darkle
Chapter Three: Sir, the Substance in that Needle is Legal, Right?


Well, the next chapter isn't finished quite yet, but since it's about time for an update I decided to post this one anyway. ...That and this chapter has Jade, therefore I place it decently high on the awesome scale.

Um...not sure what else to say, really. Although if anyone has any crack ideas for high school AU type-dealies, you should review and tell me, because otherwise next chapter won't be coming anytime soon. Actually, reviews so I know people are reading is a good thing in itself. So review, please?

...right, on with the chapter.


It's really amazing, the first things that come to mind when one first regains consciousness. For Luke, this was especially true.

'Ugh...what happened to me?'

'...Where am I?'

'...Is that beeping?'

'...Why is Bananaphone stuck in my head? What the hell?'

'Seriously, what is that beeping?'

'...Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphoooone!'

'Come on Luke, focus! Why do you feel like you've been hit by a truck?'

'Ding dong ding dong ding-- GAH!'

'...Well, it IS a very catchy tune.'

'...Seriously though, where am I?'

The redhead gave a groan and opened his eyes. The instant he did, he wished he hadn't, as the light was as blinding as the image of Iemon in a bikini. "Auuuugghh..." Luke moaned, squeezing his eyes shut again.

"Hey, you're awake!" Guy's voice rang out from above him.

Luke forced his eyes open again, spotting a blurry mess of blond and brown looming above him, which kept mixing together in a way that really made him want to throw up. He blinked, and his best friend swam into focus. "Nnngh...Guy?"

"Hey." The blond flashed a grin, the motion shifting a bandage on his face. "How're ya doin', buddy?"

"Auuuuuggghh." Luke groaned.

Guy winced. "That bad, huh?"

"What am I doing here? I feel like I got hit by a truck..." The redhead mumbled, craning his neck to glance at the various bandages and bruises that covered him from head to toe. From the looks of things, his assumptions weren't too far off.

The blond gave a small laugh. "Well, I suppose that's one way to describe it..." He said, scratching his head.

"Trust me, a truck would have been more merciful and let you die." A voice growled from the doorway.

Luke blinked, looking to the source of the voice. The instant he did, his face paled. "A-Asch!?" He stuttered, assuming the sort of expression that would be appropriate in the face of a head-on collision, an incoming tidal wave, or worse, In-laws.

"Originally I was just going to kill you." His twin continued, looming in the doorway. His green eyes livid, hands clenching into fists at his sides, black leather trench coat rippling over flexing muscles. "But then I decided that's way, way too good for you. I intend for you to remain living to suffer for a long, long, long time."

"It's...it's nice to see you too, Asch." Luke said weakly, giving a timid wave as sweat beaded on his brow. "C-came to visit me in the hospital, did you?"

"You know damn well I'm not here because I care for your well being." Asch growled, stalking across the room.

"But...what about that time when I had my tonsils removed?" Luke asked, cocking his head to the side. "I remember you visited...I mean, no one else yells as much as you do at hospitals or tries to strangle me with an IV cord, so it had to be you..."

"They were giving out free coupons to Chili's that day for any visitors, weren't they?" Guy wondered aloud.

"Oh yeah." Luke nodded. "Well, I guess I can't blame you for coming for that instead of me, they do have very delicious grilled foods." He said brightly. "I mean, there's those steaks and I know you love those rare and-- GACK!" He was cut off by Asch's gloved hands suddenly snatching him by the collar.

"I suppose before I continue with my destruction of your depressing likeness to my visage, I'll allow you to offer some pathetic attempt of an explanation as to why you thought you had any sort of right to get within a hundred meters of my car, let alonetrash it by trying to DRIVE it!" His twin snarled, shaking Luke with every emphasis, the boy's red head bobbing back and forth like some sort of very taken aback bobblehead.

"I-I-I'm sorry, Asch, I really am!" Luke cried, bringing bandaged arms up in a desperate attempt to defend himself. "J-just, we needed to...ah...ah...look, there was a world crisis, y-yeah!" He snapped his fingers, eyes lighting up. "A world crisis! So Guy and I had to take the Tartarus and...y-you know...do something about it! And well...you know, sometimes sacrifices needed to be made and unfortunately your car was one of them."


Luke smiled nervously. Asch stared. Guy looked like he really, really would rather be anywhere else but there. Preferably someplace that didn't have an angry Asch.

"So...yeah...that's what we needed the Tartarus for. I-it was insured, right?" Luke finished lamely.


Absently, Luke had to wonder if Asch was hot in that red long-sleeved turtleneck that he was wearing beneath his leather trenchcoat, since his face already seemed to be turning as red as his hair.


Asch's eye twitched.

Guy discreetly edged his way out of the room. He loved Luke, he really did, but in the case of Asch it was every man for himself...or more accurately, it was 'use Luke as a distraction, and run. Very fast'.

Seconds after the blond had slipped out the door, an interesting cacophony of screams erupted from within.





"I'M REALLY, REALLY, SORRY! IT WAS GUY'S IDEA AND-- Oh God, what are you going to do with that? Asch!? ASCH!? GA-ACK!"

"Sir, SIR! Please, it's against hospital policy for you to use IV cords to strangle patients! SIR!"


Ten doctors, five IV cords used in a very creative manner, and multiple tranquilizers later, Asch was lying in a bed right next to Luke, whom was staring blankly ahead at the wall with considerably more wounds.

"Wow." The younger of the two by twelve minutes murmured. "I didn't know doctors were capable of using needles like that."

"Shut up."

"I mean, seriously, there was the matrix moves, all the glowy special effects, and then there was that one with the Mudkip--"

"Shut up."

"And then those three hundred Spartans that just barged in and kicked that one evil undercover Persian doctor into a pit and--"

"Shut up."

"But seriously, that was awesome and so ridiculously unbelievable and it'd be a real shame if it were all skipped because we're in some really poorly written fanfiction and the author was too lazy to bother and thought it'd be funny to make the readers feel cheated."

"Shut up."


"...Seriously, that was--"

"Shut up."

More silence.

"I hate you."


Meanwhile, Guy wasn't exactly happy either. When he'd left Luke's hospital room, he hadn't really realized that all the hallways in the building looked exactly the same. Thus, when he made a point to trying to get as far away from there as possible so he couldn't hear Luke screaming, he had no idea where he would end up.

Honestly, he was starting to think he should have just stayed with Luke.

"What's the matter, handsome?" Perfectly manicured fingers traced across his adam's apple. causing Guy to give a whimper even as a sultry voice whispered in his ear. "Why the long face?"

Guy gave a nervous laugh. "I-I-I...oh man..." He stuttered.

Really though, he was he supposed to know this place had a back room full of nothing but terrifyingly sexy nurses?

"Yeah...one would think a man would be...perfectly fine to be in a room full of women." Another drawled, licking her lips as she reached up his pant leg.

"G-GAH!" Guy yelped at this sudden close contact, trying to jump from their grasp...this, however, only lead to him toppling over, with roughly five of the nurses still clinging onto him.

"Come on Honey, stop struggling" One that remained positioned on top of him purred, her shirt going low enough to not leave much to the imagination.

"I-I-I-I..." Guy whimpered.

"You're hurt...let us make it all better, if you get what I mean." Another drawled, massaging his shoulders.


"Just relax. We'll take care of everything..."



Luke and Asch's hospital room had been quiet for awhile now. Asch had dozed off, apparently tired after all the uncontainable rage. Luke, however, remained wide awake, and from the looks of things, quiet bored.

The redhead glanced over at a snoring Asch, then gave a groan. "Why am I still here? I wanna go home and just forget this day ever happened..." He muttered, flopping back down.

"That can be arranged." A voice murmured in his ear.

Luke jumped, then glanced behind him. Nope, nothing. He and Asch were alone. The redhead's brow furrowed in confusion as he slumped back on the bed. He was about to close his eyes...and then he spotted the door.

It was wide open.

"What the...Guy?" The redhead glanced around the empty room. "Are you playing another trick on me? Cause I'm not gonna jump this time, so you can just give up now!"



More silence.

"Huh...that's really weird." Luke muttered in typically oblivious horror movie character fashion. He settled back down...and then he could feel someone breathing on the back of his neck.

The redhead froze, green eyes widening. "W-who's there?"

Silence save for heavy breathing.


Breathe in. Breathe out.

Luke shivered, his face pale as he sloooowly turned to look...then let out a scream as he came face to face with a pair of pure white lenses.

"GAAAAAH!" He screamed, tumbling back.

The owner of the glasses stepped back with a laugh that was really more of an evil cackle. "Forgive me, you seemed so pale that I had to check and see that you were alright." He said, adjusting the spectacles, strands of his long brown hair falling into his face. The irony in him calling Luke pale was great, seeing as his skin was the sort of shade that would make a zombie jealous. The crimson eyes, white doctor's coat, and diabolical grin really didn't help things.

"E-er...w-who..." Luke stuttered.

"Oh, I'm sorry, have I failed to introduce myself? How rude of me." The man gave a sweeping bow. "I am Dr. Mambo."

"But...your name tag says Dr. Jade Curtiss." Luke pointed out, brow furrowing.

"It doesn't if you don't want a scalpel protruding from your forehead." The doctor said brightly.

Luke whimpered and shrunk back. "Y-yes Dr. Mambo."

"You're a good patient. You may actually get morphine!" Jade beamed, pulling out a clipboard. "At any rate, it's nice to see you again, Luke."

"Again?" The boy repeated, brow furrowing. "But...I don't think I've ever met you before in my life."

"Oh, you silly, silly boy." Jade tsked, shaking his head. "Don't you know? We've known each other our entire lives!"

"Our entire lives?" Luke repeated.

"Of course! I mean, here I am, thirty-five years young, and you're already forgetting me?" Jade gasped dramatically, grasping at his heart. "Oh, my heart! How could you do this to a lifelong friend of thirty-five years!?"

"B-but...but...I'm only seventeen." The redhead pointed out.

Jade promptly straightened up as he wrote something on the clipboard. "Since when does that change anything?"

Luke gaped up at Jade, looking horribly, horribly and depressingly confused. "B-but...how could I have known you your entire life if I'm..." He paused, brow furrowing as he counted. "Seventeen years younger than you?"

"That's eighteen." Jade corrected absently. "It's fine, math never was your strong point."

"B-but how do you--"

"Anyway!" Jade cut him off, pulling out a syringe filled with a strange liquid. "It seems your body has sustained a heavy amount of damage, so we're going to administer a little...treatment." His grin widened, something which seemed to succeed in scaring Luke a lot more.

"Wha!? Why do I need that!?" Luke cried, trying to squeeze himself deeper into the pillows of his bed. "All I have are a few cuts and bruises!"

Jade paused, frowning thoughtfully. "Hmm...you make a good point." He then grinned. "Luke, what would say if I told you we were conducting a little...experiment in the name of medicine?"

"AN EXPERIMENT!?" Luke's eyes widened.

"Oh." Jade's grin fell. "Well, forget I told you that part, then." He shrugged, then reached for Luke's arm.

"NO!" Luke shrieked, backing as far away from Jade as he could while still remaining on the bed.

Jade rolled his eyes. "Oh, calm down. I'm only administering a little something to help you relax." He said, holding up the syringe again.

"I-is it legal?" Luke stuttered.

"Well..." Jade paused to think on this for a moment. "No. But it may be in a few years if we're lucky."

"Gah!" Luke shrunk back even farther.

"Oh come now, stop that. Where's the fun in using legal substances anyway?" Jade rolled his eyes, this time succeeding in grabbing Luke's arm and pulling him over. "It's not like it's going to kill you, it'll just keep you quiet while I get you down to the lab and get things settled.

"The lab!?" Luke repeated, eyes widening.

"Honestly, are all of your reactions this over-the-top?" Jade shook his head, then inserted the syringe. "Just relax Luke. Remember, I'm a doctor." He smiled again, something which only managed to be even more unnerving.

"G-gah...augh..." Luke groaned, his vision going blurry almost instantly. "D-don't...uhn..."

The last thing he saw was Jade's smile before his world went dark in the form of a horrible "fade to black" technique that gets used far too many times in every fanfiction, movie, and book ever.


Guy, meanwhile, was walking down the hallway, looking incredibly dejected. "Man, what're the odds that those sexy nurses were going to give me a million dollars for being the billionth person to walk into that room, only to have some sort of otherworldly demon steal it from me five minutes later? Talk about depressing..." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Oh well, can't be helped. I guess I'd better go see if Luke's alright..." The blond muttered, taking a left and heading down a hallway.

He continued onward for awhile, pausing when he saw a doctor exit a room and begin strolling down the hallway with a patient on a stretcher, whistling something akin to the eerily cheery tune from Kill Bill.

Guy stepped aside, allowing the doctor pass with a nod, then continued his way to Luke's room.

He made it about five paces before he paused, then turned back towards the doctor, whom had now turned the corner and vanished from sight, though the whistling remained.

"...Crap, that was Luke!" Guy cried, eyes widening in realization. With that, he tore after the stretcher, shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor. He skidded to a stop at the end of the hallway and turned...only to find the mysterious doctor was gone.

"...Wha?" The blond blinked in confusion. "That's...weird..." He shrugged, then continued through the hallway, searching for where the doctor could have disappeared to. Finally, he came to another hallway and turned...only to end up face to face with a beaming nurse.

"GAAAAH!" Guy cried, stumbling back.

The nurse blinked. "Um..."

"S-sorry ma'am." The blond gave a nervous smile. "Um...did you happen to see a kind of dorky looking kid with red hair pass by here on a stretcher? I'm kind of the middle of a rescue attem-- I mean, I'm visiting."

The nurse beamed again. "Why, yes I have."

"Great! Thanks for your help!" Guy said with a smile, making as if to edge past her...only to have her step right in his path, her smile unmoving. "Um...ma'am? I kind of have to get through..."

"I'm sorry, but only authorized personnel and direct family members are allowed beyond this point." The nurse said, still smiling in a way that was starting to get kind of eerie.

Guy's brow furrowed. "Oh, come on! I'm his best friend...babysitter...man servant...thing..." The blond trailed off, well aware of how bad the last bit sounded.

"...Man servant?" The nurse repeated, eyebrows raising as she looked him up and down.

"...It's not as gay as it sounds, I...I..." The blond trailed off again. One of these days, he really should consider a look that didn't include such tight pants, and a collar, he really should.

"...I see." The nurse drawled, a look of new understanding coming across her face.

"I-it's not like that!" Guy sputtered, face growing red. "J-just...look, I need to see him!"

"Sir, regardless of your...status with this boy, none of it counts for blood relation, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait in the waiting room like everyone else."

The blond gave a groan of frustration, trying to squeeze past. "Oh, come on! Look, if you knew the kid, you'd know that he can't be in a room alone with a bunch of sharp objects! He needs me!" Guy exclaimed.

Again, the nurse stepped in his path. "I'm sorry sir, but we are trained medical professionals. I assure you your..." She trailed off, smile faltering for a moment as she sought for a politically correct term. " Friend is perfectly safe with us."

Guy scowled. "I don't care, just let me see him!" He snapped, getting more annoyed by the second as he tried to step past the nurse. "Look, just give me five minutes, alright? I won't do anything!"

"I'm sorry sir, but it's against hospital policy--"

"Screw hospital policy!" The blond growled. "Sorry miss, nothing against you, you're a nice lady and all, but Luke could be in danger! Now good bye!" With that, he weaved around the nurse and took off running down the hallway.

The nurse turned to watch him go, then smirked, pushing up her glasses. "I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that."

Quite suddenly several syringes flew through the air, aiming straight for Guy. The blond gave a shout and ducked, the needles embedding into the wall behind him. "Why is everyone out to kill me today!?" He cried, shielding his head as he ran.

The doors lining the hallway opened and roughly twenty doctors in scrubs came running out, their eyes flashing as the background quite suddenly became all swooshy and anime-like."You cannot pass!" One shouted, whipping out a variety of tongue depressors.

"Indeed, we know what's best for the patient!" Another declared, swinging around an IV tower and bag of fluids like a mace.

"I don't know how the background is doing that crazy seizure-inducing Japanese thing, but I'm coming through anyway!" Guy called out, ducking as another round of syringes flew past and leaping as an IV cord was swung in his direction. He skidded across the floor, then leaped and rolled across it, tripping three of his assailants and sending the rest tumbling into a heap behind him. As he tumbled past he grabbed an IV tower, holding it before him as a sword to block another doctor. He knocked the doctor back (gently, because Guy was a Very Nice Guy), then proceeded down the hallway.

"Come and get me, if you can!" He called behind him with a smirk.

One of the doctors groaned, trying to force himself to stand. "We can't let him get away, he could excite the patient!"

"Quick, call in reinforcements!" Another cried out.

And so they did just that. Wave after wave of the scrubbed army came bursting out of doors, wielding things like syringes, bandages, tongue depressors, scalpels, office chairs, and in an interesting case, a girl whom was foaming at the mouth and screaming something about "JADE/LUKE OTP, RAAAASSSSK!!111oneoneone" Guy fought through their ranks bit by bit, never faltering.

Finally, he came to the end of the hallway, wherein he was left with a choice...should he go right, or left? Seeing as there was an army of screaming doctors behind him, Guy had little time to decide, and so finally with a dramatic shout ("FOR LUKE!") he leaped to the right...

...Only to find himself facing a dead end.

"What!?" Guy sputtered, eyes widening in horror. "You have to be kidding me! What kind of hospital makes a hallway that leads nowhere!?" He cried, turning and making as if to go the other way...then skidding to a stop a few seconds later as he realized he was now face to face with a whole bunch of angry doctors.

"O-oh...hey guys..." The blond gave a nervous laugh. "No hard feelings about the IV cord to the gut, right? ...Guys? Guys? Isn't hurting me against the hypocratic oath or whatever?"

"We'll worry about that once you're a patient." A nurse hissed.

"Oh dear."


Luke awoke with a groan. "Oh man...what happened?" He mumbled, blinking and squinting against the blindingly bright light above him. An attempt to move his arms and legs revealed them to be, in typical hostage fashion, restrained. He seemed to be strapped to a large medical table, to be precise.

"Great. How come I seem to be spending so much of today in bondage?" Luke wondered aloud, then winced. "...Oh WOW that sounded bad." The redhead shook his head as if trying to clear it, then glanced around.

He seemed to be in a mad scientists dream lab. Cylinders and beakers of all sorts were arranged in somewhat haphazard ways on tables, a variety of multicolored liquids and gasses contained within. There were machines that Luke could only guess at their purpose. Judging from the pointy blades and things that adorned them, whatever the purpose was, it was likely to be painful.

"What the..." Luke trailed off, then flopped back and groaned as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Okay, either I'm dreaming, or I'm on drugs. Or I'm asleep while on drugs and this is a crack dream."

"I'm afraid it's neither." Jade chirped, suddenly appearing above him. "At least, the drug shouldn't be affecting you like that, at any rate."

"GAH!" Luke cried, quite nearly jumping clear off the table. "Don't do that!"

"My apologies." Jade drawled with no sincerity what-so-ever. "Honestly, you would think you'd be more grateful to me after saving your life."

Luke's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, you know...twenty years ago, the waterfall..."

"I wasn't alive twenty years ago!" Luke snapped.

"Of course, that's where the time capsule came in." Jade said with a shrug.

"What?" The redhead blinked.

"...Oh, right, I erased that memory. Never mind then." The doctor said with a wave of his hand.

"B-but...but..." Luke stuttered, looking very, very confused.

"At any rate, just relax." Jade said calmly as he began picking through various tools, holding things like scalpels and needles up to the light and squinting at them before shaking his head and setting them down. "We're only going to run a few tests and then we'll let you go on your way."

"I don't need a few tests!" Luke snapped. "I need to go home and forget this all ever happened!"

"That can be arranged." Jade remarked cheerily as he squinted at the butcher's knife in his hand for a moment, then set it down. "Although you might happen to forget other things, like your name and how to breathe."

Luke ignored that as he flopped back onto the table with a groan. "I'm not even supposed to be here...I shouldn't have even got up this morning..." He muttered. "Stupid Guy...I'm never going to be as good as Asch, so why bother trying? It just ends with more stupid messes like this one..."

"Oh, angst, angst, angst." Jade rolled his eyes as he twirled an axe in his fingers before setting it down. "Honestly, you teenagers are all the same."

Luke scowled. "I'm sorry you're too old to remember what it was like to be one of us, then!"

"I suppose that's true." Jade hummed as he pulled a sword from its sheath and glanced it over, then tossed it aside with a clang.

"Yeah...well...ugh!" The redhead gave a growl of frustration. "You wouldn't get it, alright!? So just lay off and leave me alone!"

"'Oh, boo hoo, nobody loves me or understands me so I'm going to go cry in the rain where no one can see my tears.'" Jade shook his head, fixing crimson eyes on Luke for a moment. "Believe it or not...I understand things a lot better than you think. But you're not going to listen to that, are you?" Luke huffed, then looked away. Jade shrugged. "Suit yourself." He murmured, hefting up a chain-saw and revving it up.

Luke's eyes widened and he tried to angle himself so he could see what exactly was going on behind him. "What are you doing!?" He cried, green eyes wide.

"Don't you trust me?" Jade asked innocently.


"Oh, I'm hurt. I fully expected to be seen as your mercy angel by now." The doctor rolled his eyes and tossed the chainsaw aside, finally picking up the scalpel. "Honestly, no one can take a joke these days..." He muttered, finally making his way towards Luke.

"W-what are you going to do with that?" Luke asked, looking somewhat panicked.

"Oh, just dissect you slowly while you're still alive." Jade said nonchalantly.


"Oh, come now, don't look like that. Sacrifices have to be made for research you know." The doctor tsked.


Jade rolled his eyes. "Relax, I'm only joking. In all seriousness though, hold still." He drawled, adjusting his glasses and pulling on gloves. "Time to get serious, I suppose." He reached behind him, pulling an object out.

Luke's eyes widened in horror. "W-wait...what're you...OH GOD NO, NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT! DON'T! NOOOOOOOOO!"


It was about half an hour later that Guy stumbled into Asch and Luke's room, looking rather like he'd just fought with a first aid kit and suffered a terrible, humiliating loss. Asch didn't even look up as he walked in, appearing quite engrossed in a book titled "My Life As A Teenage Scowling Red-Haired Bastard With a Stupid Replica Who Stole Everything From Me". He had happened to find it in the "Lone Wolf Cliche" section of Borders, and ignoring Luke and Guy's comments on how "That is far too eerily accurate to be a coincidence" he had bought it. It was an interesting read, he had learned several pointers on the arts of scowling (remember, don't show too much teeth or you just look stupid), wardrobe (you can never have too much black leather and symbolic print), and bitching about everything ever. Apparently, it was a very useful book. Luke and Guy felt it was useful too, until Asch had realized Luke was using it to balance out the short leg on his desk, but that's another story entirely.

With a groan Guy flopped into a chair, covering his face with his battered arm. "Hey, Asch." He mumbled.

Asch grunted in response, which Guy interpreted to either mean "Hello Guy, what a lovely day it is, I really want to kill my brother right now" or "Go away".

"How long have you been here?"

"Hn." Asch grunted again, which Guy took to mean "A few hours, although I was asleep for a bit of it. Stupid doctors and their tranquilizers. I'll kill them after I'm finished with you and Luke".

"Ah." Guy muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I guess you weren't awake when Luke was taken, then."

"Nn?" Asch grunted yet again, which Guy figured meant "What?"

"Oh, just some doctor kidnapped him and is now probably trying to kill him... I mean, I have to figure what with the whole creepy Kill Bill whistling that was his intent." Guy shrugged.

"What?" Asch actually spoke this time, putting down his book to glare at Guy.

The blond blinked. "I thought you knew."

"No, I didn't." The redhead growled. "I was under the impression he'd gotten lost again and we'd find him in the maternity ward getting along pathetically well with the expectant mothers while they knit him sweaters like last time."

Guy shook his head. "Nah, not this time. I tried to rescue him but they won't let me through since I'm not family..." The blond sighed, putting his face in his hands. "Great, now what? That guy's gonna kill Luke...maybe if I try again..."

"Wait, let me see if I got this straight." Asch said, brow furrowing. "You mean to tell me someone other than me is trying to kill my brother?"

"Um...yeah, that was the general idea."

Asch stared for a moment. "Well, fuck that." He growled, tossing aside his book and getting to his feet.

"Wha?" Guy blinked, looking immensely confused as Asch stalked past him, grabbing his arm and pulling him along. "Whoa, Asch, what are you doing!?"

"Like HellI'm going to let some stupid doctor take away my right to kill that stupid dreck!" The redhead snarled as he stomped out the door. "Come on Guy!"

"W-where are we going!?" Guy stuttered, struggling to keep up as Asch rushed down the hallway.

"To get my car."


"Er, Asch?" Guy began carefully, with the sort of nervous tone one would have when approaching a serial killer.

"Yes?" Asch growled, his voice tight as his fists clenched around the steering wheel of his very battered porsch.

"Why are we out here?" The blond gestured to the two of them buckled into the porsch. "When Luke is in there?" He pointed to the hospital, which sat there looking rather innocent, white, and kind of depressing.

The redhead scowled. "You really don't know anything, do you?" He growled. "No wonder you'd rather hang around my brother, you fit together perfectly." With that, he revved up the car.

Guy shot a nervous look at Asch. "What're you--"

"We're staging a rescue attempt, what does it look like!?"

"But...damnit Asch, you're family, you can just walk right in!" Guy pointed out. "Is this really necessary!?"

Asch just glared at him.

"I-I mean...what did the nice hospital ever do to you?" Guy asked weakly. "I know you're a pissy kind of guy, but ramming a hospital is--"

"Would you shut up already!?" Asch growled, his fists clenching around the steering wheel again. "You sure this part of the hospital is where my brother is?"

"Well, yes, but--"

Asch slammed his booted foot down on the gas.

"VROOM!" Went the car.

"SCREEEEEEEE!"Went the tires.


"WELCOME TO AULDRANT, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Went Asch in a moment of complete OOC-ness.

"CRUNCH!" Went the rear wall of the hospital.

And quite suddenly the beaten up Tartarus was squealing through the hallways of the hospital, screaming doctors and nurses scrambling to get out of it's way.

"Oh God Oh God OH GOD!" Guy whimpered as he clutched at the seat for his life. "We're going to DIE!"

"Would you SHUT UP, I'm trying to drive!" Asch snarled as he succeeded in breaking down another wall, tires squealing across the linoleum as he sped down the hallway at the sort of speed one would consider suicidal.

"ARE YOU, ASCH!? ARE YOU REALLY!?" Guy snapped. "Because it seems more like you're trying to KILL US!"

"Not yet!" Asch growled, swerving around a corner and narrowly missing a patient. "But you seem to be begging for me to get your appointment done with early!"

"It's not MY fault your driving sucks!"

"My driving is perfectly fine!"



"He had it coming! Besides, I'm only going thirty, he'll live."


"It's not like there's a set limit!"



Guy gave a shout of frustration, tugging at his hair. "Do you even know where we are!?"

Asch scowled. "No, I thought you'd tell me where I was going!"

"I never got this far!"

"Are you serious!?" Asch scowled as he hit another doctor. "Damn, you're useless!"

Guy bit back another comment and rolled his eyes, sitting back in his seat and huffing. There was no point in arguing with Asch, he always won due to pure stubbornness.

They drove a few minutes in awkward silence, save for the yelling outside and the occasional WHUMPH! as they hit another doctor.

"We've been here already..." Guy finally said as they turned another corner to reveal a torn apart hallway.

"I'm aware!" Asch ground out through gritted teeth.

They sat in silence for another few moments.

"Look, just pull over, I'm sure there's a map somewhere." Guy said.

"I do not need a map." Asch growled.


"Okay, come on Asch, we've passed the maternity ward three times now, just pull over and--"


Guy gave another shout of frustration. "Damnit Asch, this is why I prefer Luke over you!"

"Why, because he's not capable of anything so you can baby him!?" Asch snapped back.

"No!" Guy grunted out as he grabbed for the steering wheel. "Because he's not a complete asshole like you!"

"Stop that!" Asch snarled, batting at Guy.

"No! I'm driving!" Guy snapped, tugging at the steering wheel. The car swerved, knocking into a wall before being pulled back on course.

"You are not! This is my car!"

"It's not like you're doing any better!" The blond snarled, reaching for the steering wheel again.

"STOP THAT!" Asch roared. The two proceeded to tug at the steering wheel in opposite directions, causing the car to swerve and weave through the halls. Finally, with a yell Guy tugged the wheel sharply to the left, causing the car to swerve directly towards the dead end Guy had ended up at earlier.

"You are such a bastard!" Guy snapped over the roar of the engine.

"At least I'm not a complete and total girl like you!" Asch replied.

"Ooh, what a tearing insult!" Guy sneered. "I'm so hurt!"



And then quite suddenly the front of the porsche connected with drywall. Both Guy and Asch cried out as they were suddenly thrown forward, a great "BANG!" resounding through the air as white dust and pieces of plaster showered down upon them. The porsche rolled to a stop in something like a mad scientist's dream lab...and there, tied to a table looking pale and horrified, was Luke. His face was illuminated by a TV that had been pulled in front of him, green eyes wide and lifeless as static appeared on the screen.

"And that, Luke, is where babies come from." Jade said brightly, walking out from behind the TV.

"...I...I...I didn't know women could do that..." Luke whimpered.

"Indeed. Terrifying, isn't it?" Jade beamed, then glanced up at his destroyed wall and the porsche, arching a brow. "And it seems you have visitors."

Both Asch and Guy blinked at the scene before them. Then Guy elbowed Asch, whom jumped, then shook his head and forced open his door, stumbling out. "You get your slimy hands off of my stupid dreck of a brother!" He snarled.

"Yeah, let Luke go!" Guy agreed, pointing dramatically.

"Asch! Guy!" Luke cried, craning his neck to see his rescuers. The instant his eyes fell upon Asch they widened, his expression becoming almost teary. "Y-you came! You really do love me!"

"Don't misunderstand!" Asch snapped. "I'm here because no one but me is allowed to murder you!"

Luke's face fell. "Oh. B-but that's really only your harsh exterior, right? You really do still love me!?"

"No. I hate you." Asch said bluntly.

"I love you, Luke!" Guy called out, but went ignored.

"Well then, isn't this just a cornucopia of love and affection?" Jade drawled, hands behind his back. "My Luke, I forgot you had such...interesting companions."

"Damn straight, you bastard!" Guy declared, glancing around for a moment before picking up a large pole from the ground. "And you're not gonna stop us from saving Luke!"

"Yeah!" Asch agreed, hauling up the sword Jade had tossed aside earlier.

"Well, in all honesty I didn't plan to..." Jade said slowly, but went ignored.

"W-wait, you get a sword!?" Guy exclaimed. "That's not fair!"

"Shut up and move!" Asch snapped. With that, the two charged past beakers and machines, rushing over to Luke. A quick slice from Asch released Luke from his bonds, and Guy scooped Luke up with ease. Luke just kind of sat there, looking a bit confused.

"Um, what about--"

He was interrupted as the two turned and ran towards the car.

"MOVE MOVE MOVE!" Asch called out as Guy scrambled over various wires and threw open the backdoor, tossing Luke in like a sack of adorable idiocy.

"Drive, drive, DRIVE!" Guy called out dramatically as he dove in beside a still very confused Luke.

Asch grunted, which Guy took to mean "I hate you but I'll do what you say this once" and slammed his foot down on the gas, causing the tires to squeal dramatically as the car swerved in reverse, taking out a good portion of the lab in the process, then drove away.

Jade just stood there as the sound of squealing tires faded into the distance.

"I was just going to say they could sign a release form like everyone else...but I suppose it doesn't matter." He shrugged, turning back to his work. "I'll be seeing them again soon enough, after all..."


To Be Continued...

Every time someone reads this chapter and doesn't review, a puppy dies. Please, think of the puppies.