A.N: This was originally posted over on the Turtlecest comm (You should go check it out, there are some awesome people over there) and seeing as the second chapter is almost ready, I thought I would post it over here to see the feedback and responses. I know not everyone is aware of the community so that's why I've cross-posted. Hope you all enjoy it.
My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear
Y'know, he seriously pisses me off sometimes. O' course, Mike and Don do too, but Leo's the one who really gets under my skin. He gets me so angry, and it takes all my damn control to curb the urge to thrash that smug smirk right off his face. Most of the time I do, if Sensei's not around or we're sparring, but there are times when I just walk away. Yeah, I admit they're rare, but they happen. It's better'n the other thing I could do to shut him up, which I'd probably prefer, but I think that would get a worse reaction than the punch.
God I must be one sick fuck, thinking about kissing to shut him up, so what the hell am I when I think about pinning him to the floor and robbing him of all that damn control he's always bloody harping on about. I'd love t'see him squirm and cry out underneath, submitting to my power. He's 'human' just like the rest of us, likes to be touched down there just like the rest of us. Or at least I think he does, can't exactly go up to him and say 'Hey Leo, d'ya like masturbatin' or are ya as frigid as you seem?' Yeah, that'd definitely go down well. He'd probably have a heart attack right then 'n' there, he likes t'pretend he's never eve heard of the word sex. I know better.
I know there's more than lust for him though. I don't like to think about it because lust I can actually forgive myself for. I mean let's face it, when are we gonna get off with any humans, male or female? Get real. I think we all know that deep down, even Mike. So can ya really blame me for thinking about such drastic measures? Nah didn't think so. So that, that I can kinda understand. Kinda.
But what I don't get is when there's no lust, but, this is hard t'explain, care. I think that's the right word. It's not 'cause he's my big bruv, it's not that simple. No it's like when he's worried about something, I want to just hold him until it passes, or I'll want to spend the night in his bed, just to lie next to him. Of course I don't want Mike or Donny worrying but this is different. It's like I want to be with him, like a mate or a partner.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am one sick fuck. Our life's been pretty screwy so far but this really takes the damn cake, falling for your own brother. I'd rather fight a million Stone Generals than fall for cocky, teachers' pet, perfect Leonardo. But y'know, since when has life been super duper fantastic when you're a mutant turtle? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bastards.
I hated him for leaving. I don't give a shit about him being a better leader. I liked him fine the way he was. But no, he's always trying to find a way to improve himself for us, and South America was the perfect opportunity. Personally I don't see how hanging out in some pissy jungle on your own makes you a better leader but hey, who am I t'argue with our wise and sagely Sensei? He can be a bastard too sometimes.
He never stopped me from going out all night and sleeping all day. He just let me go, giving the others some shit about Leo's trip being hard on me. A tiny part of me wanted him to stop me, give me some lecture about going out alone. But he'd always left it to Leo when he was here, so why should he start now? And so, the Nightwatcher was born. Geez doesn't that sound cliche?
Well he disappeared nearly as quickly as he came. Leo hated his guts, which made me do it more. C'mon jungle boy, let's hurt you just as much as you hurt me. The look on his face when I had him pressed helplessly against the concrete was just priceless. And yeah, I admit his lost look turned me on, but in a world where all he does is nag and order me around like he's some sort of superior turtle, it'd turn you on too. And then everything clicked into place.
When he was stolen from us, stuffed into that compartment like a bag of chips, I realised how much I'd missed him. Sure he pissed me off, but he cared for me, understood me, even envied me, and I knew I couldn't let him go again, whether he walked away willingly or not. God I'm getting soppy in my tired state.
It's been a long couple of weeks since he got back. Too long, and full of awkward, half-hearted conversations, bitter arguments and things unsaid. But I'm hoping everything's over now. I want things to go back to how they were before he left and I can carry on wanting him in the silent sickness of my mind. That sounded poetic didn't it? Bah I need sleep. Good, long, uninterrupted sleep with no goddamned dreams of him. He does my nut in enough during waking hours.
I looked up from my brooding spot at the table to see Donny come from our Fearless Leader's bedroom looking as exhausted as I feel. God, Don must be ready for collapsing. Every time I see him he's working, either on the phone lines or on some project or other he's obsessed with.
Makes me piss watching him answer the phone. It's as if some people ring in and be total dipshits on purpose just to wind him up. Even I know ya gotta turn the damn computer on first before ya try to do anything. And when he was telling me about this one woman after a sex line, well, I was in stitches. Bet he didn't know what to do with himself.
I shouldn't laugh at him really. He's the one out there earning money so we don't have to scrounge off April all the time. What we'd do without her or Casey, I dunno. Probably live off dumpster rations. And I respect Don or Mike for getting up off their butts and earning money. I feel sorta bad leaving it to them but what would I do? Charge for bodyguard services?
We're gonna struggle a little now Mike's given up the creepy party costume but hey I don't blame him. The pay was shit and he had to put up with all those noisy brats for hours at a time. Wouldn't do it for a million bucks. I'd end up going psycho. Kids drive me crazy. Shell a lotta things drive me crazy, but kids specially. Nearly as much as Leo and that's saying something.
Nah we're better off without the party business. Okay maybe not financially but I know Mike couldn't have gone on much longer. Something else will come up eventually. I know he's looking at this video game tester advertisement in the paper. He just about wet himself when he saw it. Must seriously be his dream job, playing video games for a living. Dork.
"Is he okay Donny?" I heard Mikey ask the question we were all waiting up t'hear the answer to.
"Absolutely fine, just needs a day or two to rest," Don replied sleepily, rubbing his sore eyes.
I breathed out silently in relief. I could go to bed without worrying now. God I sound like him. Hell I know Don's drugged him a few times since he got back from the jungle just so he'd sleep peacefully. I don't think he's ever noticed the extra something Don's slipped in his tea on occasion, or maybe he has and just hasn't said anything as if he knows he needs the sleep? Nah what am I thinking? This is Leo here.
"Is everything alright Raphael?" I felt Master Splinter lay a cool and reassuring paw on my shoulder.
"O'course Sensei," I replied quietly, cradling my soda bottle. It was cold, colder than my hands.
"Your shoulders are tense," Splinter sighed, rubbing firmly with his thumbs deep into my skin. I had to fight the urge to close my eyes and breathe deeply.
"'M fine Sensei, just a li'l uptight I guess," I shrugged uncomfortably and he took the hint to let go.
"I was very proud of you tonight Raphael," He murmured solemnly, eyeing the bottle in my hands.
He hardly ever told me he was proud of me, hadn't done so since we were kids. I remember he often told Donny he was proud of him, he was the one who built things to make our lives easier, the one saving those lives when we were hurt. We were all immensely proud of our Donatello, even if he can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but he's a brother, all brothers can be.
I've heard Splinter say he was proud of Mikey too. It's usually if he's made dinner special one night, or if he's managed to do some meditating without fidgeting or something. Little things compared to Don's big things. The two youngest.
He hasn't said he was proud of me since I helped Mikey when he'd hurt himself when we were on a training exercise topside. That was like five years ago, something stupid like that. I'm the bastard son, the black sheep, the one you want to hide away when important people are over. He's never proud of me.
You'd think with Leo being Mr. Fucking Perfect he'd hear those words all the time. But I've never heard Splinter say it to him. His own flawless son, Splinter Jr, resident kiss-ass, and I don't think Splinter's ever said he was proud of him either. Not when he got back from that bloody jungle, not when he learns a kata before anyone else. Never.
And I dunno why. He always acts like Leo is better than us, like we're just a bunch o' two year olds who can't look after themselves. You'd think he'd be sounding like a broken record, singing that damn boy scout's praises. O'course, he might be, during one of their 'private talks' but I don't think so. Leo always comes outta there lookin' like his pet hamster just died. Not that he has a pet hamster.
And I want t'just hold him. God I sound like a right queer. But I want to know why he looks like someone's just pissed on his strawberries. But that's not the damn point here.
Leo and I, the oldest, are always the ones to disappoint. I've noticed that over the years. Don and Mike could get away with murder when we were younger, but never me and Leo. It's strange, before this whole Winters shit I used to think those private lectures and lessons were something to be jealous of. Y'know, special leadership treatment and crap.
But listening in on that talk Leo and Splinter had that night when he got back from the jungle didn't make me jealous, just angry. And I know Splinter didn't know I was there at first otherwise he would have told me to get lost. When Leo said he was sorry he'd failed, the old rat didn't bother correcting him, just said he was much stronger.
Big whoop. I'm strong, Mike's strong, even Don's strong. Doesn't he realise that wouldn't stop big bruv's guilt trip? He doesn't know him like I do. No one does. Hell, even I don't know him as well as I could. Leo probably likes it that way, I dunno. Easier for him t'pretend he's an emotionless dick, I dunno. I don't know a lot of things about him but I know more than our father.
"Thanks Sensei," What could I say? I'm no good at talking about stuff like this. I mess it up big time.
"Do not be too late retiring, it has been a long day for all of us, especially for you and Leonardo," Splinter murmured. I simply nodded and he left for his own room, bidding us all goodnight.
"Dude, I am beat," Mikey sighed dramatically, collapsing onto the chair opposite me.
"Go to bed then," Donny chipped in, braving the fridge to find a soda.
"I'm to tired t'even do that," Mikey moaned, resting his head on the table and speaking into the wood. Don joined us with his soda. Makes a change from bloody coffee all the time.
We sat in silence for a while and I don't think it could be any more awkward even if we tried. Things had slipped without Leo, and I wasn't the only one who knew and daren't admit it either. This is probably the first time we've sat together like this since jungle boy left. Feels broken, like there was so much shit we wanted to say, but couldn't spit it out.
"Raph," Donny ventured thoughtfully, carefully.
I grunted to let him know I was reluctantly listening. I wasn't in the mood for his techno geek speak tonight. Then again, when am I?
"Why did you give up the Nightwatcher?"
Mikey's head snapped up and looked at me curiously. He'd been there when I gave Splinter my helmet, but he didn't know my reasons for it. And Don had been with Leo at the time, so Perfect Leader had no idea what I'd done. He's probably sleeping by now anyway.
The truth? I did it for Leo. Hell I loved my vigilantism, but I love my big brother more. Leo despised it. I don't know why, it was basically the same as my patrols, as my outings with Casey. I don't get why he was so determined to stop the Nightwatcher. He seemed to hate it even more when he knew it was me.
He wanted it to stop, so I gave it up. Probably the only decent thing I've done for him recently. Least I could do really, after quitting on him, nearly killing him and letting him get turtlenapped. But y'know, I'm hoping we can let those things slide.
"I dunno. New start, things back to normal and all that," I shrugged carelessly, rolling the soda bottle in my hands. It was warm now.
Donny nodded and stared into his own bottle, silently musing and mulling over my answer. Mike rested his chin back on the table, yawning so wide I could see his back teeth. Then he frowned and turned his head in Don's direction.
"How come Raph didn't need like three days rest?" He asked worriedly, words slightly slurred due to his cheek mashed against the table.
"Different tranquillising fluid," Donny shrugged, waving a hand dismissively. "They wanted to capture Leo and retain him for a lengthy amount of time. Therefore, he needed to be sedated for longer, so consequentially he'll be feeling out of it for a couple more days," He explained.
I couldn't bring myself to get worked up about it. Don wasn't worried, so there was no need to. Mike relaxed now he knew something wasn't drastically wrong. I know Leo wouldn't agree to three days worth of bed rest though, and I think Donny knew it too. Leo is the worst patient any doctor could ask for. Bet if he was awake he'd tell me I was no angel either.
"I'm going to bed," Mikey spluttered after a particularly long yawn. He lifted his head, displaying a wood-patterned circle imprinted on his left cheek.
"Best idea you've had all day," Don smiled tiredly, reaching up to rub the textured area of Mike's cheek where it had gone numb pressed against the table.
"Night bros," Mikey gave a feeble wave then went to his room. We didn't hear the sound of video games or anything so he must have gone straight to sleep.
"He really is going to be okay you know," Donny mumbled, watching me carefully.
"I know," I answered simply.
It wasn't Leo's health I was worried about. I was concerned about us, our relationship. I know he thought I hated his guts, and that was kinda reinforced by the fact I nearly killed him for fuck's sake. I was just so angry, angry at everything. I hated him for leaving, hated Master Splinter for suggesting it, hated myself and how I felt about him.
I fought like I had nothing to lose when I actually had everything to lose, and I very nearly did. The thought of losing him being my fault hurt more than the damn anger. It burned inside like a wildfire. And I thought if I ran off, got away and cleared my head, it wouldn't hurt as much. Only that was one of the stupidest things I've ever done.
I'm not saying it was all my fault, but I suppose if that hadn't happened, we'd probably still be at each other's throats. We needed that fight. Needed to get it out of our systems. God I sound like Donny. He's always going on about our bloody hormonal system. 'Don't worry Mikey. It's just their hormones.' I'll give him hormones. Dick.
"Maybe you should go to bed brainiac," I rolled my eyes carelessly. He was practically falling asleep on his root beer.
That's false advertising you know. Last time I checked there wasn't a trace of alcohol in it. Took Casey three cases of the stuff and wondering why he wasn't pissed out of his head before he realised.
"I am, don't worry about that. Aren't you? You look tired," He frowned, getting up to put his empty bottle in the trash.
"I'm fuckin' knackered," I sighed, leaning back and closing my eyes. "Just can't wind down,"
"Maybe if you saw Leo...? Put your mind at rest and everything?" He suggested quietly.
"Nah," I leaned on the table again and opened my eyes. "I'm good,"
"Well alright. Goodnight Raph,"
I waited until I heard his bedroom door close before I took another swig of soda. Probably shoulda chosen beer, might've helped me sleep. But Leo and Sensei don't really like drinking the stuff. Not that they're awake now but I'm too tired to drag myself to the fridge.
Insomnia has been hitting me hard lately. Since Leo got back. It's all down to him in the end, bloody prick. I really hate not being able to sleep. It seriously bugs me. Don and Mike have rooms beside mine which means chances of getting a decent night's sleep is probably the same as Leo planting a good one on me tomorrow morning. Yeah, zero. If it's not Don clacking on that computer all night, its Mike's loud and violent video games. Maybe I should swap with Leo. See how he likes being kept up all night.
Nature called so I got up, chucking my soda bottle in the bin as I passed. It was quiet now, but I could still hear Don's computer humming as I walked past his door. Must put him to sleep 'cause he's always out like a lamp whenever I've seen him asleep. I didn't bother locking the bathroom door.
When I'd finished, I returned to the kitchen, thinking of maybe getting a beer or something. I needed something to put me to bloody sleep. It wasn't empty when I got there. Speak of the devil and he's sure to appear. Bastard sounds like the Shredder.
I could see he was still knackered by the way he stood. His posture was slumped and rounded, instead of straight and tall like it usually is. There wasn't that air of confidence either, the one that pisses me off and turns me on all in one go. He was waiting for the kettle to boil, no surprise there. Probably couldn't sleep either.
"You should be in bed," God that sounded stupid. First words I speak properly to him and I tell him t'go to bed. Smooth Raphael.
"I couldn't sleep," He shrugged.
Even his damn voice sounded shattered. Like he was too tired t'be angry or smug or anything. I shook my head, not knowing what to say. He didn't say anything when I got a beer from the fridge and I didn't expect him to. The silence was awkward, like we both wanted to say something but we weren't exactly sure what.
I wanted t'apologise, tell him I was stupid, take back all the nasty shit I said to him. I had no idea what he wanted to say. Yell at me maybe, or perhaps he's writing this fuck-off long lecture about why I'm not the leader and why I'm a shit brother in his head. Gimme a break Fearless. I already know it. Get off your high horse 'n' maybe you'll notice that.
The kettle broke the quiet, letting out a shrill whistle to let him know his water was hot enough. I watched him pull his Harry Potter mug (Fucking Harry Potter, the big girl!) Across the counter towards him. I could see his hands shaking as if JK Rowling just said she was gonna rewrite the ending of book seven and kill everyone.
God that caused a ruckus in this house. Don had to order four copies 'cause there were fights over who'd read it first. Who woulda guessed Splinter liked wizards and crap. I left 'em to it, went out with Casey, who is thankfully oblivious t'Warthogs or whatever it's called. I think it was Leo who finished it first, whoo big deal. Can't believe even Mikey read the damn thing. Still, he couldn't sit still and concentrate for more than half an hour at a time so it took a while.
Leo yelped so loudly I wondered where the sound had come from. He hurriedly placed the kettle back onto the counter and cradled his wet, sore, burnt hand. Guess he'd been shaking too much. I put my bottle down and took his hand without question. Surprisingly, he didn't try to stop me.
He hissed when I stuck his hand underneath the icy jet from the cold tap. He didn't say anything though and neither did I. Seems kinda weird, holding his hand like this, gently, as if it might snap. He looked as if he might cry, and for once, I didn't want to take the piss out of him.
"Keep it there," It was a stupid thing to say, like everything else I've said lately. He knew if he took it out it'd burn like fuck again. I sound like a freaking idiot tonight.
I took bandages from the box in the cupboard and soaked them in the tap water. I've never really treated burns before. All the Nightwatcher ever got were a few bumps and bruises, but I know hot water scalds sting like a bitch. Best I could do was just cover it 'n' let Donny take care of it in the morning. If he's awake, 'cause I gotta feeling we're all gonna sleep 'til Christmas.
His hand was red raw, kinda like when Mike tangoed Donny once (Bet that bloody hurt), but he still didn't say anything whilst I was wrapping it. The cold water would help stop it from stinging so much, and it should have worn off by the time the bandages dry. Should have. I'm no doctor.
"Thanks," He whispered, still feeling the need to nurse it tenderly against his plastron.
"No prob," I shrugged, hooking my hands in my belt.
He looked dead on his feet, standing before me in the dim light. I probably didn't look much better. Didn't really feel much like going to bed at all now Fearless was up and had managed t'hurt himself already. Before I could open my mouth t'say something, anything, towards an apology, he spoke first. Pretty much like how he always says sorry first.
"Raph I...I'm sorry for what I said...earlier, on the rooftop," He murmured, avoiding my eyes.
He didn't haveta say what. I knew perfectly well what he meant. He said some pretty mean shit too, but the thing is, his was probably true. Hey, Fearless never lies. He might bend the truth about some things, but he'll never tell a lie. He was right. 'Cept for that whole better than you thing. I just know I'm better'n him at some stuff. And I just gotta have a bigger cock than him, otherwise that just takes the damn piss.
"It's okay, we both said things we didn't mean," I replied cooly, lifting my shoulders again.
"Mmm," He sort of agreed and leant against the counter, still holding his burnt hand. There was a puddle of hot water still on the surface where it had spilt but neither of us felt like cleaning it up.
Looking at him I suddenly noticed the large bruise on his left cheekbone, where I'd backfisted him in our earlier fight. I hadn't seen it before but now he was in the light it practically screamed at me. Neither of us had been slacking, I had just as many bruises as he did, even though I had won.
Pinning him like that, with my sai near his throat, both turned me on and horrified me, but seeing him now, exhausted and hurt, I don't feel any of that. Just a numb longing, something inside that makes me want to hold him, let him cry, then put him to sleep, only to be there when he wakes up. Whoo tacky romance novel alert. Someone shoot me.
I don't know what it is about tonight that's making me want to touch him and reassure myself he's still here so badly. Maybe it's 'cause we so nearly lost him I dunno, but something inside me is determined to feel his skin beneath my hand, even for a moment. Geez I sound so damn cliche.
I took a step forward without realising I'd done it until I was right in front of him. So close I could just hear his quiet breathing, another thing so controlled I wanted to break it all with a single touch. For God's sake, it's so damn frustrating! When I think about all the things I want to do to him, I just want to give myself a good hard sucker punch.
I touched his cheek softly, where it was bruised. He didn't gasp in pain or anything but his breath hitched and he closed his eyes wearily for just a second, I didn't press down or cause discomfort and he didn't move, just let me stroke his cheek.
I think he was as confused as I was. I never know what he's bloody thinking. He's always so freaking reserved. How could I tell if he was enjoying it when his facial expression didn't change? How could I tell if he wanted me to stop when he just let me do it? I didn't want to stop touching him, but I wanted some reaction.
I'd leant in and kissed him before I knew what I was doing. It felt weird. Here I was, doing something I wanted to do for god knows how long and all I can bloody think about is how our mouths still press together even though they seem too wide and our beaks too big. His mouth was soft, and tasted mildly of green tea.
He broke off with a pained hiss, looking down and cradling his burnt hand once more. Must've forgot and used it to brace himself against the counter. He opened his mouth to say something but I didn't give him the chance, kissing him again and holding his biceps this time. He was cold, colder than my hands.
I didn't want to give him the time to say what the fuck are you doing, get off me you sick homo. Only of course they wouldn't be his words. No I wanted to do this while I could, while I didn't feel guilty and his mouth felt so damn good. A feeble push on my shoulder got me to withdraw. Well it was hot while it lasted.
"What are you doing?" His whisper was soft, curious, not a bit angry or confusing. It was almost as if he wanted more. I couldn't help but smirk widely.
"Somethin' I shoulda done a long time ago,"
He kissed me this time, pressed his mouth against mine. He was hot, forceful, despite being so tired, and I found myself holding onto him tighter, kissing back so hard it seemed even now we were in competition.
It was strange and more thrilling knowing it was against the rules. That's what I did, broke all the rules I could just because I could, whereas he was careful, cautious. Not tonight. Tonight, he was breaking them with me and that was proof enough. He wanted to lose control just as much as I wanted to smash it.
God we're both sick fucks. Who woulda guessed this was what he wanted, wanted it just as much as I did? Since when or why I didn't care. What mattered was he did, and he was giving as good as he was getting. For a moment, I just didn't care about a damn thing, and I don't think he did either.
"You taste like beer," He grumbled but it didn't stop him, he carried on coming back for more.
"'N' you taste like shitty green tea but ya don't hear me complainin'," I argued back, nipping his bottom lip. He gasped and kissed me again, making me chuckle.
I dunno how long we were up, making out in the dim light of the kitchen but I bet we both sleep well now. Sounds like some cheap chick flick. I need t'stop making this sound like some romance movie, 'cause it ain't. Sooner or later I know someone's gonna get hurt.
I'll make him lose control alright, just not yet. There's a time and place for that, 'n' right now my brother (God that sounds sick now) needs comfort and stability. I can wait, because there's not just love there. There's something else, something that pisses me off just as much as it exhilarates me. He was warm now.
To Be Continued
A.N: Right, thanks for reading guys, now let's hear some responses. The next chapter shouldn't take too long to be posted at all, it's just about finished. This will have a genuine plot with it. You guys know what I'm like for my angst lol, I just can't get enough. You have no idea how many times my grammar checker was like "This is an offensive term. Please consider revising." Lol so anyway, thanks again and take care. Love you all.