DENNIS THE MENACE a fan fiction story

All characters and situations (c) Hank Ketcham

Story by NekoJessica


One day Dennis was sitting in his house when his mother came into the room and saw him sitting there and said "Hello Dennis How Are You" and he said "pretty good you" and she said "ok." About two seconds later, Dennis was still sitting and the mother was still standing there, and nothing had changed except the mother was about to say "how was school" and when she said it Dennis heard it and said "ok." His mother said "why don't you tell me anything" and he said "really nothing interesting happened at all I just moved around on my feet and heard some weird sounds and people opened their mouths like they were chewing but strange noises came out and they stared at me and I stared at them and then I made weird noises too and one time I went to the water fountain" and his mother said "oh." Then she said, "I'm going to go make dinner now" and Dennis said "ok." When his mother entered the kitchen she turned on the stove but discovered it was not a stove at all, it was a bear trap. She ran into the room with a bear trap on her wrist and said "Dennis did you do this" and Dennis snickered and said "No" but his mother knew what was what and she said to him, "Dennis you did this. Dennis I am sick of you from now on you will be known as: DENNIS THE MENACE." Dennis however approved of the epithet and adopted it and thus Dennis the Menace was born.

CHAPTER 1: Dennis, Shatterer of Worlds

One day Dennis the Menace was being a menace so he got arrested and thrown in jail and beaten up by the inmates for about seven years and so he sat there for a while and then he said, "I feel constrained and weakened by this jailcell environment: my menacing should extend outwards from here and seize the whole world in its menacing grip" but he couldn't really do anything about it so he just sat there for another eight years or so and thought and thought and thought so much he became filled with hate and loathing and utmost spite for all living things, and most of all himself. And upon his release day, as the warden came to free him, Dennis stood up and said: "I am the great Destroyer: there is none other than me. Those who oppose me will be hacked into seventy-three pieces and posted as a warning upon the face of the earth; those who follow me will gain the untold riches of annihilation. May God and all the earth tremble before me and my majesty. I am entropy, I am disorder, I am inchoate pain and misery unleashed upon the rows of content humankind. May death strike them and horrors"

The warden said "oh" and let him out. Dennis stood there outside the prison facility and stared into the desert before him. Then, he filled the desert with the burning of his hate. Grain by grain he reconstituted the sand itself into the immaculate image of his splendid despising; and all the cactus died, and the desert snakes died, and the park rangers died, and the native americans on their reservations all died, and the sun fell and did not rise for three days, and all the desert buzzards cried and wailed before they died in agony and a horrified silence lay upon the land.

Having done all this in a matter of seconds, Dennis entered the small town of Redford. He entered a Wal-Mart and a person who worked there said "hey." Dennis looked at her and she instantly recognized how she had been deluding herself all along, the only way to true happiness was for her to reunite with her dear ex-husband Max, but Max had killed herself, so she had no choice but to run away into traffic. When the other shoppers observed this, they gave Dennis the title "Dennis the Menace." That is the beginning of his name, Dennis the Menace.

CHAPTER 2: Dennis the Menace Finds True Love And Happiness

Later Dennis the Menace was walking around filling every atom of the world with his perfect hate, when he saw a beautiful maiden on the side of the road. She said "hi." Dennis said "oh hi". She asked, "How are you?" and Dennis said "pretty good you." Suddenly Dennis the Menace felt something strange in himself. He paused his winds of furious destruction for a second to recollect. It was the first time he had thought anything in the past four years; his entire being had been involved in destruction. He remembered a sweet voice from the past: his mother. And he felt strange and happy... then the beautiful maiden said, "are you ok you have been standin there and thinkin for like 600 years" although actually only about 400 had passed (she was exaggerating). Dennis said "oh sorry, silly me." Suddenly the maiden replied, "oh." Then Dennis said, "Hey, want to get some ice cream or something?" and the maiden said "ok." Then they got ice cream and ate most of it. While they were eating, Dennis, as a joke, knocked over her ice cream cone. "Oh dennis!" said the maiden, whose name was Maiden, "you are such a menace." And from thenceforward he was known to the world as Dennis the Menace.

CHAPTER 3: Dennis buys a grocery

After Dennis the Menace and Maiden were married they went grocery shopping. They bought some eggs, some milk, some bread, some kitty litter and kitty food, some candy, heroin, a newspaper, some green beans, and a car. Once they got home, Dennis realized he had forgotten to pay the cashier for all that stuff. "Well shucks" he said. "Oh Dennis," said Maiden, "you're so silly." And Dennis, in a moment of clarity, reflected back on his life: from his mother's warm questioning, to the depths of the prison cell, his dedication to hate and his new dedication to love...and he thought, how silly it all is. It really is just funny. I guess that's really all there is: we just live, and it's funny, and we keep going. It's kind of nice. And he smiled and looked at his wife and seventeen children, and for a few dry seconds in his torrential life, was truly at peace. Later that day he saw a really interesting movie about jet pilots.