Chapter One: A Bad Encounters Causes Cravings

Buffy slammed the door to her house with a satisfying 'whack!' and stormed onto the porch. She screwed her eyes shut and placed her hands over her ears as the entire scene replayed in her head once again.


The Scooby gang had cornered her just after she had returned from a double shift and she had been totally unprepared for it.

"Buffy we're all worried about you," Willow said, looking worriedly at her and looking at Xander as well for backup.

"Yeah Buff," Xander agreed seriously, "you've been even more distant since…" he paused and looked away, slightly abashed, "you came back."

Willow had looked slightly helpless at her as the guilt of knowing she was in heaven was brought back up to the surface once again.

"I'm sorry Buffy but he's right. You have been more kooky lately and it's not good because there are problems that you are still putting off and you…" Willow paused as Buffy just blinked at her, absorbing her every word and waiting for her to continue her sentence.

"And what Will?" Buffy asked, irritation and annoyance clear and in her voice as she spoke, "What have I been putting off since you dragged me out of Heaven and brought me back? What have I been putting off since I've been slogging my ass off doing double shifts at the Double Meat Palace to try and pay off the never-ending bills that were left behind to me? Or that Dawn maybe is still being a klepto and is still not getting enough from everyone or me? Or…"

Buffy paused and just looked at Xander, Anya and Willow with a very stony expression and gave them a small sad smile as something dawned on her. "How long have you guys been wanting to do this talk?"

Her smile dropped as she watched her friends shared a guilty look and stared at the floor, except for Anya who didn't understand why they were looking guilty.

She looked at Buffy and said, "They've been planning it for a few weeks now but they didn't know how to bring it up."

Willow and Xander looked at Anya with incredulous looks but Anya just innocently asked, "What?"

Buffy looked at them all and suddenly gave a small chuckle and shook her head.

"You guys are the people I rely upon and call my friends and family. I need you just to get through everyday and you still can't even come and talk to me as something as important as this? After all that we've been through?"

Xander slowly stepped towards Buffy and looked sadly at her, "You don't even let us in anymore Buff. You keep us out of your troubles and let us see only what you want us to see which has never been much and is now even less than before."

Buffy stared silently at him as he continued, "We know the whole deal about being the Slayer and being the only One, but we're you're friends and…"

He was abruptly silenced when Buffy shut her eyes and held up a hand.

Worriedly the Scoobies all looked at each other with worried glances but Buffy had to take a few deep breaths to get her anger and sadness under control.

"Xander you have no idea what I've gone through," Buffy said quietly and opened her eyes to look at him. In her eyes she stared at him with the years of battle and war and emotional damage that made her look suddenly tired and worn. "And you never will."

"Then why won't you tell us? Try to explain and…" Willow started but Buffy had had enough.

"Guys I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations ok." she said angrily. "I'm sorry I'm not exactly the same as I was before I died to save the world, again. But you need to let me adjust to living again and to stop questioning my every move because I seem off or unlike myself. I need you to stop ganging up on me and making me feel worse than I already do because I can't stand the extra pressures from you guys and…"

Buffy suddenly stopped as she looked around at the shocked expressions on her friends' faces. Realising that she didn't care how they felt because her own inner turmoil was nearly raging out of control, Buffy looked at them all and said in a flat tone, "Guys I can't deal with this right now. I've just worked a double shift, I'm tired and I still need to go on patrol. I'll talk to you all later."

She turned her back on them and walked away without a second glance but she still felt the burn of tears as she felt their eyes stare unmercilessly at her as they followed her out of the room.


Buffy looked around the dark street and up at the night sky. It was a beautiful night but its beauty couldn't even touch Buffy as she began to slowly walk away from the house down the familiar path that lead to the sidewalk by the road.

Turning left she began the walk that would lead her to her only solace, the place that housed the only person who could make her feel alive again. The same person whom she had seen night after night for weeks now and she couldn't stop going to him. She was addicted to the burning feeling that he infused her with, the burning writhing feeling of pleasure that she had never known before with anyone.


She needed him right now. His kisses. His touch. His soothing words of need and pleasure that he got whenever she came to him. Night after night she would appear and he would always welcome her, no questions asked or complaints.

He relished off having her and she knew that. She also knew she burned him with that same fire that he sets loose in her. A vampire needing a Slayer to feel alive and a Slayer needing a vampire to feel alive.

How ironic can the world get?

Buffy wasn't paying attention to the few people that walked past her as she made her way to her destination. The pavement under her comfy sneakers was all that her eyes could see because she didn't have the energy to look up and around for danger or vampires.

She was past caring being on her guard because she needed to feel the spark of life again. Hers' was nearly out once more and only Spike could bring it back.

A cold wind suddenly struck up and caught Buffy by surprise. Quickly she drew her coat around her and thanked god that she had had the sense to grab it before leaving the house.

She stopped walking and quickly glanced around to see where she was, but her friends' message kept on reverberating around in her head…

You're no longer seem to even be a part of this world anymore. You're not the Buffy we used to know. Buffy you need to stop being so distant.

Buffy quickly shook her head and refocussed on where she was.

She was still some streets away from the graveyard but that knowledge still didn't stop the slow pooling of heat that began to creep into her body. The harsh wind now longer held an effect on her as the heat began to slowly pool in her stomach and Buffy couldn't help but smile in anticipation.

Her body was slowly coming to life once again…

And she wasn't even at his crypt yet.

Buffy quickened her step and walked faster.

She had to get there right now.

Memories of past nights with him flashed in her mind and Buffy relived them as she walked the longish distance to Spike's residence. It made the time fly by and soon Buffy suddenly found herself standing at the gates of the cemetery and her entire body was humming.

She didn't even pause for a second as she walked over the threshold and into the dark cemetery and walked through the mass of gravestones that lay in neat rows. She knew the cemetery so well. Buffy had never told anyone just how well she knew it because of just how much time se had spent there over the many years she had been the guardian of the Hellmouth.

She knew the whole layout, every mausoleum, and gravestone and where every fresh vampire had arisen and where the new ones would rise whenever she had done some research before coming out on patrol.

But Buffy knew she wasn't going to patrol tonight.

She turned a left around a particular mausoleum and suddenly she could see it, her destination.

Spike's crypt.

Buffy felt every pore in her humming body pull her towards the sanctum of knowing she was going to be able to feel life again, but as she took a step in the direction of the crypt something suddenly deep within her mind penetrated through the attraction and desire that had flooded and built up in her body during the walk to here.

It was a vision of her friends' shocked faces before she had stormed out of the house and the epic anger she had felt at them.

What would they think if they found out she was here, right now, aching to go and see Spike to have sex with him just so she could feel again. To feel alive…

A sharp stab of shame and embarrassment flooded her and decimated all of the arousal in her. How on earth could she face her friends if they ever found out? What would they do and say and…

Buffy looked at Spike's crypt with longing but the vision of her friends' faces played once again in her mind and she felt torn deep inside. Torn between the honesty and trust in her friends that she would never ever sink so low as to sleep with Spike and her own selfish wants and needs to be with him.

She wanted him. He wanted her.

She tolerates and likes him from time to time. He loves her.

She comes to him night after night. He welcomes her with open arms.

Her heart beats faster whenever she sees him coming towards her with that look in his eye. He has no heartbeat.

The smell of him is imprinted in her system now; there is no denying it. He can smell and sense her before she even notices him.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy tried to make up her mind and fight off the need that was growing inside her again, but she was also internally fighting off the images of her friends' faces.

They weren't here now, they would never know about her and Spike. She needed him more than they needed her. They had all managed without her while she was six feet under, why couldn't they just leave her be sometimes now that she'd been brought back?

Rubbing her eyes in frustration, Buffy sighed. She hadn't felt this down for a little while but the fight with her friends had brought back the longing of Heaven and being dead once more. To stop having to walk down the hard road of life because it was easier to be dead than alive.

"Why does it always have to be so hard?" she whispered quietly to herself as she gazed up into the silent starry night.

"Because life isn't meant to be easy luv," a deep voice purred back in her ear and Buffy suddenly felt a hard body press into her back and two strong hands come to rest on her hips.