Akatsuki Go On Holiday

Disclaimer: This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.

The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?


Chapter 1

The Leader held up his hands for silence. "Gentlemen, that time of the year is upon us again. It is time to decide…" the anticipation was almost palpable "…the destination for this year's Annual Akatsuki Bonding Week!"

There was a second or two of silence before the Akatsuki descended into a riot of excited chatter. The Leader held his hand up again for silence.

"…bloody waste of money…"

Kakuzu was met with the glares of his fellow criminals. "What?"

"Anyhoo, as I know you will all realise, this means that we once again have to go through the farce that is deciding on our holiday destination. After last years shambles Hidan is now disqualified from this event. So, it remains to find out where each of you wants to go on holiday before the customary anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider. First, Itachi."

The Uchiha thought for a while before answering, "I wouldn't mind going to New Zealand. I've got this map with the locations from Lord of the Rings on it. We could check them out?" This was mainly met with blank stares. Except for Kisame who had to spend a lot more time with Itachi than anyone else.

"For the love of Mike, no! I'm sick of the Bastard Lord of the Bastard Rings!" His outburst was accompanied with two aggressively shaking fists. Then he started to hyperventilate.

"Yes, well, have a minute to catch your breath Kisame and we'll get to you later. Right, Kakuzu?"

"I can get us a week in a caravan at Bognor Regis for thirty quid each." Once again with the angry glares.

"NO! And now you're disqualified!" The Leader boomed.

"Next… Deidara." The blond clapped excitedly.

"I thought we could go to Alton Towers and stay in the themed rooms, un!" This was met with a general murmur of agreement. This time with the exception of Kakuzu.

"WHAT! The themed rooms?! Do you know how much extra they cost compared to the budget rooms?! You dumb blond!"

Leader just sighed. 'Every bloody year,' he thought to himself.

Kisame recovered as the discussion got a little more heated. It was getting good now. Sasori, who wasn't on a mission so was outside of Hiruko, had stepped in front of his partner and was now shouting at Kakuzu.

"FUCK YOU, KAKUZU! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!"

"QUIET!" Everyone turned slowly to face the Leader. "Can we please get the rest of the suggestions in before this all descends into mindless violence or is that too much to ask?" This was met with a lot of embarrassed looking at the ground and foot shuffling.

"Right, Sasori?" No one knew why the Leader insisted on asking Sasori every year; his answer was always the same…

"Wherever Deidara wants to go…so Alton Towers," he sent Kakuzu an evil grin, "in the themed rooms."

"Right, erm…Kisame?" Again, why bother?

"Sea World!"

Itachi gave him a flat look, "You say that every year."

Kisame looked off into the distance with teary eyes, "I live in hope…"

"Right is that everyone? Oh, Zetsu."

"Paris."

"Okaay…that seems to be it"

The Masked Idiot started waving about frantically, "You missed me out Leader-sama!"

"No, I didn't. You were automatically disqualified for having a gay orange mask." The others snickered, in an evil way. "Well I guess it's time to start the anything-goes-fight-to-last-man-standing-ultimate-super-ninja-decider. Good luck." There was a chorus of groans as the members who were not disqualified squared off.

"What's the point? It's the same every time! Team Androgynous (this was directed towards Sasori and Deidara) always win because they team up! If you just declare them the winners before this stupid fight kicks off we won't have to rebuild the parts of the Lair that were blown up!" This last sentence was directed to the Leader.

"You raise an interesting point Kisame, but I'm…not going to listen to you. FIGHT MY EVIL MINIONS, FIGHT!"


25 Minutes, 15 explosions, a mini atomic blast, and a small earthquake later…

"We're going to Alton Towers, un!"


The author would like to point out the following:

'Alton Towers' theme park and hotel are actual places. They and any affiliated locations or trademarks are the property of the Tussaud's Group.

Likewise, Lord of the Rings is the property of JRR Tolkien.

Sea World is the property of whoever the hell owns it.

EuroDisney belongs to the Disney Corporation.

New Zealand, Bognor Regis and Paris belong to themselves.