Disclaimer: This work of fanfiction is intended purely for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to actual events, places, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. No animals were harmed during the production of this work (well, not many…). The author derives absolutely no monetary gain from the use of any person, place or event in this work (monetary loss more like, the amount of alcoholic beverages that were consumed during the writing). Any views or opinions expressed within are not necessarily representative of the views of the author or anyone else. Not intended for children. Batteries not included.
The manga and anime series 'Naruto' and its places, characters and events (in particular the Akatsuki) are the property of Masashi Kishimoto, not the author. Some characters may technically be 'OOC' to the canon depiction, but hey, how do you know they don't act like this off-camera?
Next morning, it was nearly time for the Akatsuki to leave, so they were all rushing about getting dressed and packing. Well, most of them.
In the Big Pyjama suite…
Hidan was sitting on his suitcase trying to close it, shouting miscellaneous swear words and abuse at Kakuzu because he had filled Hidan's case with all his things too in order to make more room for contraband in his own.
Kakuzu was running about the room making sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Miniature shampoos, conditioners, bubble baths, soaps, sewing kit, all there. Bathrobes, slippers, shower caps, towels, picture off the wall, TV and stand, bedclothes, pillows, curtains, rug…
He headed off to steal from everyone else's room.
In Peter Rabbit's Burrow…
Tobi was packing Zetsu's case. "Who's this, Zetsu-san?" He held up a photograph of a pretty woman in a beret, with what looked suspiciously like Notre Dame Cathedral in the background.
"Give me that!" Zetsu snatched it away.
In the Benjamin Bunny Suite…
Leader was neatly packing his suitcase whilst enjoying a civilised room-service breakfast of croissants and coffee. He relished this quiet time before he had to meet the rest of the Akatsuki and chaos inevitably reigned again. Or he would relish it if he wasn't hearing those banging noises. They seemed to be coming from both Sasori and Deidara's room and Zetsu and Tobi's next door. So there were several reasons why Leader didn't particularly want to think what they might be.
In the Sleepover Suite…
Itachi was still in bed, wearing sunglasses and groaning under the weight of his epic hangover. Astonishingly, Kisame was up and about bright and early, and was now in the bathroom getting ready, helping Itachi's hangover along by merrily singing very loudly and out of tune.
"I'm a shark! I'm a Shaaark! Suck my dick! I'M A SHAAAARK!! Itachi! ITACHI! Where's all the soap gone?"
"Kakuzu came by earlier, now SHUT UP! I'M DYING!!"
"GET IT BACK OFF HIM! I WANT A SHOWER!"
Grumbling, Itachi staggered out of bed and down to Kakuzu and Hidan's room, still wearing just his stripy pyjama bottoms and sunnies.
At his knock, the door opened a crack and Kakuzu's face appeared in the gap. "What do you want?" he asked suspiciously.
"Kisame is demanding his little hotel soaps back off you. Apparently he wants to use them."
"Use them? Use them?! You don't actually use the free mini toiletries!"
"Kakuzu, I don't care. Just give me a bar of soap, any soap."
The masked nin vanished inside the room. There were some scuffling and muttering noises, punctuated by Hidan's outraged curses, before Kakuzu's hand reappeared to throw a bar of soap into Itachi's face. The Uchiha dodged, and picking it up off the floor, made his way back to his room. He opened the door to the en-suite and tossed the soap in a direction that may have been where Kisame was, before getting back into bed.
Several minutes later…
"ITACHI! ITACHI! GET LEADER! SOME FUCKER'S PUT FUCKING PINS IN THE SOAP!"
Itachi ran into the bathroom to see Kisame holding out his heavily bleeding hands.
"I'M FUCKING BLEEDING! GET LEADER!"
"Shall I get an ambulance?!"
"NO DON'T GET A FUCKING AMBULANCE, JUST GET LEADER! I'M FUCKING BLEEDING! PINS! IN THE SOAP!"
Sighing, Itachi made his panicking partner sit down on the edge of the bath. Carefully he began cleaning and dressing the wounds on Kisame's hands. Kisame gradually calmed down. Finishing up bandaging his partner's hands, Itachi glanced up at him. The shark-man looked forlorn.
"Aw, does Kisame need a hug?" Itachi teased, quite unlike himself. Kisame huffed. Then sheepishly nodded. Itachi tried not to squeal, instead wrapping his arms around the bigger Akatsuki in the most manly, non-gay way he could muster. He very nearly did squeal when Kisame returned the hug.
Sitting holding his small partner felt really good, Kisame thought. Before either of them knew it, a good ten minutes had passed. Suddenly realising they had been hugging for quite a while, Kisame reluctantly broke it, but looking down at Itachi all those confusing feelings he had been having tripled and he couldn't help himself. Leaning down, he tentatively kissed the Uchiha.
Itachi responded after a moment of confusion. The kiss was short and sweet, and when it was over both men looked away awkwardly. Itachi was the first to speak,
"Itachi," the swordsman abruptly interrupted, "What would you do if I said I, er… sort of… like… you?"
Itachi smiled. It looked very odd on him, a bit like if Pakkun, for some reason, was wearing an Elizabethan ruff. "I like you too."
"So what do we do now?" Kisame sighed, after a pause.
"How about if we start seeing each other, just take it easy? Maybe keep it a bit quiet at first?" Wow. Itachi had probably more emotional maturity than the rest of Akatsuki put together (except for Zetsu-the-relationship-guru).
When the packing was almost finished, the Akatsuki met in the restaurant for breakfast. Sasori and Deidara were last to arrive. Again.
"What the fuck is up with your face? Not get any last night?" Hidan leered as a disgruntled Sasori took his seat at the table. Deidara, glancing round the room nervously and with an iron grip on Sasori's arm, sat next to him. Very nearly on him.
"It was going great guns until Toulouse Lautrec over there," he nodded at Deidara, "got an early morning visit from the Green Fairy and turned our room into a post-surrealist vision based on the theme of Tobi's mask," the redhead scowled. Hidan and Sasori both turned to the blond when they heard him give tiny squeak of fear.
"What's up with you?" Leader asked.
"There's fucking ninjas following me!" Deidara whispered frantically. Everyone at the table turned to give him a look of disbelief.
"…yes, that's because we are ninjas," Leader explained slowly. Deidara gave each of them a frightened glance before looking straight at Sasori, screaming, and running away.
"We'll see you all on the bus…" Sasori sighed, following his partner, muttering something about being horny.
"Well let that be a lesson to you, Tobi. Be a good boy and stay out of the art scene, or you'll end up like Deidara," Leader commented, sagely. Zetsu patted Tobi on the head. Then Leader narrowed his eyes at Kisame, "You're unusually quiet this morning," he commented, suspiciously. Itachi turned in his seat to face Kisame, curious over how the ex-Mist nin would answer.
"Um…yeah…" he replied. Itachi turned away, seemingly pleased that his partner was not going to put his foot in it.
"I see…" Kisame squirmed under Leader's gaze, until a knowing look passed between Itachi and Leader. The ex-Rain ninja nodded, apparently pleased.
Leader cleared his throat, gaining the attention of his minions, "Well lads, I just want to say that this year's holiday has been one of the best yet," he began.
"Oh, fucking hell! Why the fuck aren't fucking Sasori and Deidara fucking here?! If I have to sit through one of your bastard speeches they bloody well do too!" Hidan exclaimed in despair. Leader raised an eyebrow at the immortal,
"I've had an enjoyable holiday, Hidan, and I'm not going to spoil it now by ripping your head off and eating your throat, understand?" He smiled. Hidan crossed his arms and glared at the tablecloth.
"As I was saying; this has been one of the best years yet, and we've all had a great time," at this point he winked very obviously at Itachi. Then gave him the thumbs up. A double thumbs up. Itachi smacked his forehead down on the table. Under the table, he was holding hands with Kisame. "But when we get home, it's back to business as usual," he looked thoughtful for a moment, "except for Deidara, he won't be operational for a week at best. So I want 110 from all of you and there will be some spot prizes and incentives for the best performing team, year on year. Now, you've got half an hour to get your stuff together and be on the bus, or we will leave without you."
Fifteen minutes later….
Most of the Akatsuki headed through reception on their way to the minibus, Tobi once again struggling along behind with everyone else's bags. They had almost reached the door when…
"Excuse me! Mr Leader! Could we have a word?" The receptionist was waving at him. Beside her stood a man in a suit.
The collective thought went something along the lines of 'Aw shit, what now?'
Sighing, Leader went over, and with nothing better to do his 'minions' followed. "Yes? Quick now, I am a very busy man, you know."
"Sorry, sir. This is the fire officer. They have discovered the cause of the explosion in your room." She turned to the suited man.
"Ah, yes. It appears the explosion was caused by a combination of a large pot of hair product and misuse of a Corby trouser press."
Leader just looked at him. "Er, well, thank you. Now I must be off!" he declared, remembering himself. With that, he whirled around and strode off towards the minibus.
"Misuse of a Corby trouser press?" Zetsu questioned. Leader ignored him, and decided never to mention that during the course of one evening he had pressed his Akatsuki uniform and coat, underwear, towel, pyjamas, the already perfectly pressed hotel dressing gown and his coat again. He had tried to press the hotel slippers too, to see what happened. Evidently the humble trouser press just wasn't designed for such things.
Half an hour later…
Everyone except Sasori and Deidara were sitting on the bus getting more and more pissed off by the second. It was that weird part of a holiday where all of the fun stuff is over and you just want to get home and have a snooze.
"It's fucking ridiculous! If it was any fucker else we would have left without them, but we couldn't possibly leave without Deidara! Wanker…fucking does it on purpose to piss me off…" Hidan ranted. Leader had made him sit in the cab with him and Kakuzu as punishment for being a dickhead.
"Ah, here they come!" Leader informed the others merrily. Indeed, Sasori and Deidara were on their way to the bus. They were running, in fact. At top speed. Being chased by hotel porters. They raced on to the bus,
"DRIVE! NOW!" Sasori shouted as he picked up his out-of-it boyfriend and threw him on to the bus. Kakuzu didn't need to be told a second time and slammed the bus into reverse before turning and speeding out of the car park. Sasori was hanging out of the still-open door, "SO LONG, FUCKERS!" He shouted, while giving the finger to the group of porters that had been chasing them. Kakuzu slowed to an acceptable speed once he was on the road, and Sasori was able to shut the door before Tobi rolled out on to the road. Leader turned round in his seat,
"Well, as exciting as that was, what did you do?" He asked. Sasori sat down in one of the seats that Itachi and Kisame had reserved for them at the back, pulling Deidara into his lap. The redhead grinned,
"We skipped out on the room service and cleaning bill. Apparently the whole room needs to be redecorated and partially rebuilt after Deidara turned it into 'art'."
Kakuzu nodded in approval at Sasori's actions,
"Good man." The air of excitement soon turned to one of a comfortable silence, as everyone remembered just how tiring going on holiday was.
Once back at the base, the Akatsuki crashed out in the living room and prepared themselves for an afternoon of crappy movies and unhealthy snacks. Their wounds had been dressed (from the journey home when Kakuzu had blindly followed the sat nav and driven into a boating lake) and now it was time to chill out at home before they all had to be back at work the next day.
Konan had had a wonderful holiday. She had booked in to a women only spa resort in the south of Fire Country, and was now completely relaxed and renewed. She had also met some really nice people and was going to stay in touch with them, especially those nice girls from Konoha. It had become tradition for Konan to go on holiday separately from "the boys" after what was henceforth referred to as "The Mambo Incident".
"I'M BACK! Did you guys have a good time?" She asked as she entered the living room. Leader looked up from his copy of Razzle,
"Surprisingly, yes. There were a few minor incidents – Sasori and Deidara broke up and got back together; my room exploded; Itachi and Kisame had an epiphany – the usual kind of thing," he replied. Konan was visibly shocked,
"You mean you didn't kill anyone and/or get thrown out of the hotel?!"
"Nope! We were all good boys!" Tobi offered. Hidan hit him over the head. There was no way that he was a 'good boy'!
"Well I have to admit that I am impressed," she said, sitting down in a free chair. Leader finished reading Razzle and passed the top-shelf magazine to Hidan. The immortal opened it straight at the centrefold, whistling in approval,
"Fucking hell! Look at the cherry bakewells on that!" He showed the picture to those sitting nearest to him, one of whom happened to be Tobi. The masked ninja stared in shock for a few moments before keeling over. He had just been pwned by breasts. While Kisame and Deidara started an emphatic debate over whether that counted as 'During Our Holiday', Sasori looked over at the picture to see what all the fuss was about,
"Whoa, she could breast feed a crèche!" The ex-Suna nin commented, pissing off his boyfriend,
"Don't look at them, Sasori no Danna! Besides, they aren't real," Deidara folded his arms. Hidan looked at him blankly,
Deidara ignored him, still turned away from Sasori.
"I didn't mean that I liked them, Dei. You just have to admit that they are very…large. Anyway, you know I don't like women's…parts… They are nothing more than," he held his hands in front of him, as if holding a pair of large breasts, "big sacks of fat to me," he explained.
"Fine," Deidara allowed his boyfriend to kiss him. Sasori then whispered something that made the blond blush and giggle, before taking his hand and leading him off to their bedroom for some fun. Sasori returned a few minutes later, heading through to the kitchen then back to his room, passing through the living room carrying squirty cream, chocolate flavoured custard, and a punnet of strawberries.
"Is Sasori-san making a trifle with Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked once the redhead was on his way back to his room.
"Yeah, something like that…" Kisame answered, under careful watch from Itachi. Konan smiled fondly,
"You know, going away on holiday is all well and good, but it sure doesn't beat coming home."
The author would like to point out the following:
Toulouse Lautrec – 19th Century Parisian artist.
Green Fairy – a hallucination of the fairy on the absinthe bottle, said to occur after most of the bottle has been consumed.
Razzle – this is probably obvious from the context, but think Playboy magazine, only slightly less classy and more '80s.
Finally, the author does not own and has never owned even one pair of GHD hair straighteners. Goddammit!
This may be the end, but more in the Akatsuki Go: series coming soon! Also one or two new fics for your delectation, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten Make Me Bleed! It's just being frustrating at the moment, but hopefully there will be a new chapter soon.