Yo! Couldn't resist sticking this one out there. It's not very far along but I've been in a funk and writing humor will be a bit difficult. Yes, this is a humorous story but keeping it strong without some encouraging reviewers will probably make me forget about it. I hate when that happens but as long as you think it's funny, I'l keep writing. I don't own Naruto, and hit me back if this sounds familiar to anyone else's story!
Patron God of Tricksters
Chapter One. In Which There Comes A Choice Between A Rock And A Hard Place
"Uchiha Sasuke, you are being brought before this Council of Elders and your Hokage to defend your actions over the course of the last six months that resulted in your capture two days ago.
Your charges are listed as : defying direct orders, theft from the armory, the release of nine Demons, temporary defection to the Kurayami, the deaths and required resurrections of seven Patrons, and knowledge and possession of Kurayami techniques, weaponry, and seals.
How do you defend your actions?"
He shifted the heavy chains draped around his shoulders, wrists, legs and torso. He flicked his eyes to each of the twelve Elders and then to the blonde woman in the middle. She was watching him with pleading eyes, silently asking him to give a good honest answer. She obviously didn't want him to be his normal self. Too bad she didn't know him better.
"I was bored." He shrugged as they gasped and glared.
"This is not a time for sarcasm, Uchiha!" An Elder banged the table with a fist to punctuate his sentence. "You are on a boundary between permanent isolation and a frozen non-obligatory resurrection."
He stared at the man drolly, before addressing her, "Hokage-sama, what is expected of me to say? I regret nothing that I've done so apologies are rather redundant."
She scowled and he felt oddly satisfied. "Uchiha, there better be a reason for this activity. I will not just dismiss this as your nature or as your boredom."
"Then sentence me. I've nothing left to say."
Angry tirades began, ranging from pleading with the Uchiha to defend himself to cruel punishments befitting his crimes. Tsunade held up a hand to stop the voices.
"Very well. Uchiha Sasuke, Patron God of Hatred and Revenge, you are asking this council and your Hokage to sentence you without a full trial, correct?"
"Yes, Hokage-sama." It was mocking.
"Then your wish shall be granted. The council will adjourn until a decision is reached. You are to remain in the care of Hatake Kakashi until our decision is final. Escort him back to the prisoner holding cells."
Thirteen people in black robes vanished through the door behind the table. Two guards came and unbound the locks holding his chains to the ground. They took his elbows and pulled him down the aisles. He shouldered them off and walked before them.
"I want him locked away! Chakra sealed, possessions confiscated, isolation!"
"But think of everything the Uchihas have done for us. Surely we can't lock away their last heir. Who will continue the line? They're needed!"
"We have Itachi! We can use him to continue the Uchihas! The youngest son is of no consequence!"
"I don't want him isolated. Too many owe him their lives."
"We can't ignore the deeds he has done!"
Tsunade rubbed her temples. God of Hatred and Revenge indeed. What could they do to both punish him into proper humility and be light enough to stay on Itachi's good side? They couldn't have two renegade Uchihas. She was going to enjoy punishing the arrogant god.
"What can they do to me, Kakashi?"
A snort. "Hardly. I just want an idea. I'm overdue a vacation."
Kakashi just grinned and shook his head. "I don't believe that's the outlook to take."
Another snort. "Yeah, right. They're too scared of what Itachi would do if they did something drastic and if they did something light, they'd be setting an awful example."
"Well, yours is a unique case. I don't believe they've ever had a renegade return in good graces. The only case with a renegade they've ever had though was a good seventeen years ago."
"What happened then?" It was a dry tone, interested only in the slightest. Kakashi shifted his back against the bars and glanced over his shoulder. The youngest Uchiha was still sitting on the bed, bound still in chains but as Kakashi watched, the raven slid them off like one would remove a jacket and gloves.
"Then, the renegade god was sentenced to live on Earth inside a human, tying their lives together. But he's trapped as far as the council is concerned. It's impossible for him to speak with the human host unless the host is aware of it. So, excellent vacation, ne?"
A grunt of agreement. "Doesn't sound so bad."
"You weren't exactly polite to the council, Sasuke. You are aware that you can't hide behind your name like a shield, correct?"
He jumped to the left when chains were aimed through the bars of his cell. He grinned and caught them as the were drawn back in.
"I know you don't do that." He shrugged. "But, honestly, Sasuke, what are you trying to do here?"
"How can you be satisfied living like this Kakashi?"
"Like how? Sasuke, you're going to have to be specific."
"Look outside, Kakashi." He walked to the window, chains dragging across the floor as he went. "Every day it's the same weather, the same people. It's perfect here, Kakashi. And I hate it."
"You hate a great deal of things." He commented. "But that's untrue. Things change here all the time. There are more people here each day, there's the war with the Kurayami. Nothing here is the same. But the weather of course."
"You know what I meant, Kakashi!" He snapped back, turning cold red eyes to his temporary guardian. "I can't live here. What am I supposed to do with my time, Kakashi? Grace my worshipers with my presence? Fight the Kurayami? Work hard and raise a family? That's all bullshit, Kakashi."
"For many, that's all they want. When was the last time you visited your temple? When was the last time you fought against the Kurayami? When did you last even look at a woman?"
"My temple was torn down in the rise of Christianity, Kakashi. I'm a pagan god, and unlike some, I can't have the luxury of being an elemental god as well. I have worshipers in criminals and teens. The Kurayami are no longer my enemies, regardless of what they've done in the past, and I despise those females that flock after me like I'm a prize."
Kakashi laughed silently and dropped the chain he was still holding, letting the Uchiha take it back. He stayed out of range though.
"Yes, being Elemental God of Lightning has perks."
"And being the youngest Uchiha has perks as well. I could do as I pleased. Why am I only now getting my hands slapped?"
"You joined our enemies, Sasuke. You leaned from their teachings, you used that knowledge to kill and wasted seven Patron resurrections. You were given too much free rein. You know that."
"I would do it again. This is not all black and white, Kakashi. I wouldn't be here if I believed in black and white. There are shades of grey. But I'm not as ignorant as to use that to justify myself either."
"You're not. But that still doesn't explain it. You have yet to tell me why."
He kept silent. "I'm not going to say why, Kakashi."
He nodded. The silver-haired god sank back against the cell bars, pulling out a book and ignoring the renegade god.
The raven picked the chains back up, arranging them back into their original positions. He took a seat on the bed and stared at the sky through the windows. He would welcome what ever punishment they decided to give.
"Uchiha Sasuke. We have made a decision in regarding your punishment. We cannot ignore the acts you have done before this that have indebted many to you but we also cannot let that sway us. We have run our choice by your brother and he has given us his affirmation.
"The last time we implemented the punishment it proved quite effective…"
He was bored already. Did they have to dress this up into something so ridiculous?
"However, it has come to our attention that this practice is considered barbaric so we have chosen another host for you."
Wait, host? They were throwing some party? What did they need a host for?
"Therefore, we have chosen something a bit more hardy as you need to be tested. Uchiha Sasuke, you will spend fifty years as humans count on Earth…"
Ah, a vacation.
"…As a cat."
WHAT THE HELL?!!!
Like it? Hit me back just to chat! Or whatever really! ((If you're looking for really good reading material to fill you with writer-pride, read Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. All I want to do now is write!))