Author's Note: This is a series of… completely implausible 'What Ifs', written wholly for my own amusement, that of my beta, and… you people. Enjoy.
A thanks to my beta, Skoteinos Metamfiezomai.
L saw the Charlie the Unicorn video:
It happened to be a typical day in the Kira investigation headquarters. Misa was reading teen magazines and being entirely irrelevant to the investigation, Raito was trying desperately to prove he was not Kira without much success, (let's face it- if L says you have a cheeseburger, even if you don't have a cheeseburger, then you have a cheeseburger), and L was trying desperately to prove Raito was Kira (once again, without much success). So all of the variables listed above ultimately lead to everyone's initial boredom.
In an attempt to cure the boredom, our favorite insomniac began looking on You-tube for evidence on Kira (yes, he was that bored). After surfing a bit he eventually landed on a video about a candy mountain.
Over on the couch, Raito was looking at a pile of research. "Hey, Ryuzaki, I think I found something important. Come over here and take a look at it." Raito beamed with the thought of new information that would finally prove that he was not Kira, but perfectly capable of being a great detective. So, he eagerly awaited his clap on the back or some form of praise.
'What's his problem?' Raito grumbled internally.
"No! I must find out the exact location of the mountain of edible sweets containing high amounts of glucose." L was very intent on ignoring Raito and seeing where the unicorns would take Charlie…. Was Candy Mountain real, or did the other unicorns have some ulterior motive?
"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki… maybe I misheard you, but did you say a 'mountain of edible sweets'?" Raito was hoping he had misheard him, because if this was an example of the thoughts that went on in L's head, he had no hope of clearing his name.
"Yes, Raito-kun heard me correctly." L was nearing the end of the video—the letter "Y" was singing a song about candy.
"What?! Ryuzaki, how can you claim to be working on the Kira case when you're wasting your time watching You-tube videos?" In his moral outrage Raito had thrashed his hands wildly about, which, expectedly, pulled L out of his chair and onto the floor.
"This is not a waste of time, Raito-kun. This video could lead to a breakthrough in the case. I don't see Raito-kun coming up with any sufficient leads or suspects," L drawled, placing his thumb to his lip.
'Bored has reached an all new high with Ryuzaki…. What's next? UFC?'
"As it seems that I have found a lead, and once again proven myself the better detective, I believe we should search for this 'Candy Mountain' and trap Kira inside. Then we can take his kidneys." Returning his gaze to the computer screen, he searched for related links that might say more about the mountain.
"How does this prove you're the best?! I could have watched a video and said the same thing!"
"You could have, but you didn't."
"That is not the point!"
"Oh, then what is the point?" questioned L as he attempted to stare down a red-faced Raito.
"The point is that a candy mountain has absolutely nothing to do with Kira! Going there would not only waste time, but lives!" Raito would have elaborated on the numerous moral flaws that L had, but he was cut off by the detective.
"But if the trip to candy mountain is a success, then we will be able to take Kira's kidneys and justice shall finally prevail."
"What do kidneys have to do with Kira?" muttered Raito, rubbing his temples in agitation.
"Without his kidneys Kira will be unable to use his god-like powers."
"Ryuzaki, when did you deduce that Kira uses his kidneys to kill?"
"The video explained it."
"Right. Well, let's go to Candy Mountain. If anything it means I don't have to go on any more dates with Misa." '…He isn't off his rocker… He's cracked his rocker open and spilled all his marbles.'
"I rather enjoy Raito-kun's dates with Misa."
"Yes, I know. That's what scares me." 'Voyeur…'
(In a very expensive forest some time later)
"Ryuzaki, have you noticed that we passed that rock about five minutes ago?" Raito kicked a nearby rock.
"No, Raito-kun. That's a different rock." L didn't even look at the rock, because he was that confident that it was indeed a different rock.
"Not that I doubt your knowledge of rocks, but I'm sure that we already passed that rock." Raito bent down to observe the rock more closely.
"No, Raito-kun. That rock looks darker." Sighing, Raito stood up and gave Ryuzaki the 'I-know-you-know-that-I-know' look.
"Right," Raito muttered. "Well, what are we looking for again?" Raito wasn't entirely sure what answer he would get, but it sure beat the hell out of dating Misa.
"A leopleridon, Raito-kun. It will show us the way."
Well maybe dating Misa wasn't as bad as Raito had thought. "Oh, right. The… monster thing. Tell me when you see it. I'll be over there wondering why God hates me." Raito sat down on the rock in utter exhaustion. It was going to be a long day. Raito suddenly blinked and looked up at the detective in confusion, "Hey, Ryuzaki, who did we leave in charge of the investigation?"
The detective also blinked, opened and closed his mouth, and came to the same conclusion as Raito did.
(In the Kira investigation headquarters)
"So whoever gets the shortest straw is the temporary L, understand?" Soichiro briefly glanced at the others then nodded at their assent.
"Oh, can Misa draw a straw? Misa wants to feel involved!"
Soichiro and the other investigators looked at Misa, who was smiling cheerfully. 'How did she get down here?' Oh well. It wasn't Soichiro's problem- Matsuda was the one who was supposed to keep her in her room.
"Matsuda, why did you let her down here?" muttered Aizawa, giving Matsuda an evil glare. Even Soichiro had to think that Matsuda was being more stupid than usual by letting Misa off her floor.
"I couldn't keep her there! As soon as she heard that Raito had left on an expedition with Ryuzaki, she started screaming about perverted monkeys!" Matsuda looked around for some sympathy, but only received a glare from Aizawa and slightly irritated and confused looks from all the others.
"Perverted monkeys?" Soichiro knew that Misa had a bizarre belief that Ryuzaki was a stalker, (honestly, how could anyone get that idea?) but calling him a monkey was a bit much.
"Yeah, perverted monkeys… After that she said that Raito didn't love her anymore. I'm not really the comforting type, but I did my best. I mean, she was sobbing and I thought she was going to kill herself."
"Matsuda, that is completely idiotic. Misa would never believe that Raito would not love her. We all know that."
"Well… um… well, you come up with something! I couldn't just leave her there! What if, what if…?" Matsuda tried to look for words to fill in the sentence but ended up sighing at the lack of inspiration. 'My god. Is this what it was like before L and Raito were here?' Soichiro shuddered at the thought. He was definitely retiring after this case was finished.
"So let's get on with the drawing of straws. Whoever pulls out the shortest straw will lead the investigation without question, since it appears none of us seem to have a will of our own."
"Misa is sorry, but she missed the entire conversation. Can it be repeated for Misa's benefit?" questioned Misa.
'Did Misa just say a word that was longer than four syllables?' Soichiro blinked away the thought; there was no need for her to be even mentioned.
"Misa, why don't you pull a straw with us. It will keep you entertained." Matsuda shoved the straws towards the middle.
'You idiot, Matsuda! If she pulls the shortest straw she could kill us all!'
And so since we all know how lucky the taskforce is, Misa drew the shortest straw and became temporary L. Matsuda became incredibly guilty, Aizawa became incredibly pissed off, and Soichiro had a heart attack. Kira 1 Task force 0.
(Yet again in the very expensive forest)
"I have a sudden urge to spill your guts. Does that make me Kira?"
"No, you were already Kira. This just makes me more wary of your future actions."
"Ah. I see."
Raito and Ryuzaki were sitting near the rock where Ryuzaki had sworn the Leoploridon would land. Well, Ryuzaki was in more of a crouching stance, biting his thumb while Raito had a pose that would remind anyone of his time in confinement.
"So this Candy Mountain…. Were there coordinates?"
"No specific location at all?"
"I am shocked at Raito-kun's lack of faith in the existence of excessive amounts of candy piled up in a forest."
"Well, you know what they say. 'Seeing is believing'!" Raito tilted his head towards L, looking at him inquisitively.
'How are you going to counter that logic, Ryuga?'
"I have learned to have faith in things I have not seen. After all, I accepted Kira's killings."
"Only after you had seen him in action. Let's face it, Ryuzaki. You are not a man of high faith, and we both believe that seeing is believing." 'Check-mate, Ryuga.'
L looked around, searching for information to win his argument. Finding none, he used basic tactics of interrogation. "Raito-kun, if you do not give in I will sing the 'Girl-friend' song. Then I will burn it to a CD and install it into the investigation headquarters' elevators."
"You wouldn't dare. We both know that it is an illegal method of torture only used by the worst criminals!"
"Then I will use the legal method and merely play 'High School Musical' songs. I am not afraid of pursuing justice."
"That's even worse! You call that justice?! That makes you no better than Kira! No, it makes you worse than Kira, you sick…" Raito's ranting was cut off by L's hunched form standing up. 'Where does he think he's going?'
Anyone with half a brain could tell that the heat was getting to them.
"Where are you going, Ryuzaki?" Raito moved to stand up too- there was no way that L was leaving him stranded in the middle of a forest.
"I believe I can hear the unicorns, Raito-kun. We must be close." L turned without another word and headed towards what Raito thought to be a pink glow through the trees. 'How did I miss that?' Raito sprinted up quickly to catch up with the detective.
"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki, but I have a rather hard time believing in unicorns," said Raito, to the hunched detective. 'Shinigami, though….'
"Just as you said, Raito-kun- 'seeing is believing'."
(At the giant pile of edible fructose)
"So there actually is a Candy Mountain." Raito looked distastefully at the mountain. 'Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone out with Misa.' But then Raito remembered how at the last date Misa and L had gotten into an argument (again) about Raito's personality flaws. Misa, of course had claimed he was absolutely flawless (she finally was able to understand something of importance!), but L had said that he was an arrogant, self-absorbed, manipulative amnesiac. That was the day Raito had vowed that he would never go on another date with Misa as long as he lived.
"Of course, Yagami-kun what did you expect?" L looked at him questioningly.
'Oh don't play dumb. You're too old for that'
"I don't see Kira. Let's go back to Investigative Headquarters." Raito made to turn his back on the mountain. 'This place looks like the inside of Misa's head, I came to get away from her!'
"But Raito-kun! What if the candy is poisoned? Many innocent bystanders will die a horrible death. Can you sit by and allow that?"
"You dragged me here to eat the candy, didn't you? Kira was never interested in this cavity inducer was he? This was only your selfish desire to eat candy."
"Then why did Raito-kun come?"
"Honestly? I made a promise to myself to never go on another date with Misa, although I'm very tempted to break that vow." A sarcastic smirk painted Raito's face.
"But what if something happens? Could you just sit by and watch?"
"There are always 'what if' scenarios, Ryuzaki, but there is no way that any of them will happen."
"Yes… I suppose you're right, Raito-kun." L pouted slightly, then turned away from the mountain. "I will be sure to inform the investigative team of our near victory."
"Do what you want, I don't care anymore. Oh crap, this means more dating time with Misa. Hooray for relationships!" Raito's voice dripped with sarcasm that caused L to smile.
Things were going to be okay.
(Epilogue of a sort)
Well it would have been okay, but things were not great at the task headquarters. With Misa in charge, the computer room had been transformed into a chapel to worship her god, Yagami Raito. Pictures of the teen lined the walls. Sometimes he was smiling, and sometimes he was angry, but he was always in the pictures one way or another.
Matsuda spent his time drooling over Misa Misa (Hey give him a break! She is a model) or being an unnoticed idiot. They only noticed him when they caught him doing something stupid.
Aizawa had gone back to the police because 'So help me! I am not taking orders from a love-sick model!'
Mogi was being Mogi and saying nothing about the transformation of the building.
Soichiro was in the hospital from the heart attack, because evidently Kira hadn't tried to kill him. It had just been Misa.
So when the two handcuffed comrades returned they were very surprised.
Well Raito was pissed, very pissed. Extremely pissed, actually. After seeing the pictures he yet again wondered 'How did I get involved with this girl?!' and 'What the hell was I thinking?!' Instead of voicing the thoughts to the team he vented his anger by tearing down the pictures and shredding them into tiny pieces.
Misa didn't mind the tearing of her pictures because now that she had the real deal again, the pictures were now obsolete. The first thing Misa asked was to go on a date. This caused screaming and swearing to come from Raito and a couple more ruined pictures.
L went to the kitchen to get cake since he was still a little depressed from not eating hordes of candy. When he returned he saw the room in an even worse state than when he left, so he left to get more cake trusting that it would get slightly cleaner if he left. Besides, he was the 'perverted stalker' and was not wanted.
And thus everyone pretended the whole incident never happened because it would change their lives irreversibly if they did.
Author's note: I am so weird…
But weird is good! And the weirdness demands reviews! Remember to review!