Author's note: I forget how many I've done . Ugh, so this is what ever chapter it is woot! Right… I've officially done enough 'What ifs' for a clip show! Ha! Don't worry; I'm not that evil. Thanks to my Beta, who is incredibly busy as always, but still has time enough to edit my horrid spelling —it just takes about a month to do. -_-…
This scenario will actually have Takada, Mikami, Matt, and Mello. Hooray.
Warning: Spoilers, I have more spoilers.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note! Neither does anyone else I know.
Raito got a trial (Is it just me or are all my chapters centering on Raito?)
Raito was dead. Well, that much was obvious, but he wasn't sure if he was in heaven or Hell. Could be either, really; Raito wasn't fond of lawyer,s but maybe a courthouse was the way to go. Right….
"The Court of Justice is now in session! We are here for the case of Raito Yagami vs. Pissed Off Human Rights Activists."
Oh, so that's what this was about. The whole Kira thing—bloody hippies bent on ruining his after life. "Excuse me, but…"
The judge glared down at him. "There will be no interruptions in the Court of Justice!" The judge threw the gavel at Raito's head, but he ducked just in time.
A text book flew at Raito's head. "Silence in the courthouse!"
Right, no interrupting the judge. Got it. Raito tapped his fingers on the desk. He was on the defendant's side of the court; on the opposite end sat a man in his forties with a growing bald patch, but a long pony tail in the back. The lawyer on that side also had the hippie look to him but, Raito's lawyer didn't seem to be present.
"The first witness will be Kiyomi Takada." Oh crap. Not good; Raito had conveniently killed her off in a truck explosion.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" asked the bailiff.
Takada looked dazed and slightly burnt. "Yeah, totally."
Raito groaned. Where the Hell was his lawyer?!
"Is it true that you worked under the original Kira, otherwise known as Raito Yagami?" asked the hippie attorney.
"Well, duh." Takada pulled out a mirror and attempted to apply lipstick onto her burnt face; it didn't work out particularly well.
Was this lawyer stupid or something? What was his problem?!
"Cuz he's hot."
Raito hit his head against the desk.
"Care to elaborate?" said the attorney, ignoring Raito's cursing.
"He was, like, totally sexy in high school, and I was, like, totally going to become his girl friend, but then, like, he disappeared and I was, like, all bummer. But then he, like, showed up in a hotel room and he looked even more sexy than last time and I was, like, all "no way" and he was like "all way"…."
"I did not say that!" screamed Raito.
"Silence in the court!"
Takada stopped talking, then began her narrative again. "And, like, anyways, he was all like "want to change the world with me," and I was like "totally man" and he was like all "sweet."" Takada sighed dreamily.
"How did you feel when Raito killed you?"
Takada gasped. "Raito killed me? No way!"
"Well, I guess I was, like, all "die Mello and stay away from my hot boy friend" and he was, like, all "shut up and undress for me" and I was like, "you perv!" But he was like "shut up and undress, damn it!" and I was like "fine, but give me a blanket" and he was, like, "whatever slut" and I was like "Raito's gonna kiss me for sure after this." But then, like, I killed him and he was all, like, crashed in a church and then, like, I called Raito but he was, like, all depressed, you know? So I was, like, depressed and I got like some gasoline and burnt everything and I was, like, all "sweet man"…"
The hippie lawyer stopped Takada before she could finish. Raito was banging his head against the desk; he didn't want to know what went on in these peoples' brains.
"So if Raito hadn't been Kira, would you still have liked him?"
What did that question have to do with the case?!
"I dunno…. The Kira-ness added to Raito's sexiness, and I was like "OMG Raito's like a depressed murderer who kills off criminals!" and he, like, had this weird I-am-depressed-and-emotionless stance on everything, but he, like, still cared for me, you know? Like I know you know. And then the guy has, like, the greatest taste in shoes—ZOMG, his shoes are so, like, adorable and I, like, wanted those shoes and he was like "Misa gave them to me" and I was like, "you still go out with that skank?" and he was like "duh." And I was like "why, man?" and he was like "because she's ruining my life" and I was like "that sucks" and he was like "I know"…."
The hippie attorney stopped her with another question.
"Did you go to To-oh University?"
Was this some high school renunion?! Raito tried to shut out the annoying hippie and previous girl-friend/bondage slave.
"No, I just went because I saw, like, Raito there and I was like "I'm totally going to pretend to go there but secretly steal his cash. Score.""
Wow. Raito really enjoyed hearing this.
"Thank you, Kiyomi-san. You may now have a seat."
Takada got up and bounded out of the stand.
"OMG, Raito, what are you doing here? You look so hot and OMG Raito, by the way, I totally forgive you for burning me alive, you know."
Takada was dragged out of the court room before Raito could burn her again.
Raito sighed, thanking God she was gone. "Uh, judge? Where is my attorney?"
The judge blinked. "Silence in the—"
Raito cut him off. "Yes, I know, but don't I get a lawyer?"
The judge threw another book at him and Raito dodged it skillfully. "Hell, no. What do you think this is? Some hippie place where everyone gets a say? No! This is the Court of Justice you don't get a lawyer!"
Damn, looks like he was on his own.
"Now, we will have the next witness come in—Teru Mikami!"
"Oh, crap. Listen, Judge… how 'bout we just skip Mikami and get on with the other people?"
"Silence in the courthouse!"
Raito did his typical random freak out, then burst out into maniacal laughter.
"Teru Mikami, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"Sakujo!" (The following portion of the trial will be subtitled because of Mikami's painfully limited vocabulary… stabbing himself to death with a pen didn't help). The attorney nodded.
"Did you work under the original Kira, Raito Yagami?"
Mikami nodded gleefully. "Kami-san! Mikami sakujo!" Translation: "Of course I love Raito Yagami. I would kill for RaitoYagami."
"Is it true that Raito Yagami lied to you, used you, and pretended to be a god in your presence?"
Mikami slammed his fists on the table. "Sakujo sakujo sakujo?! Kami-san sakujo! Kami-san!!! Kami-san!!!" Translation: "What the hell are you talking about?! Raito didn't pretend to be a god; he is a god. Everyone knows gods can't lie or use people, foo."
Raito blinked—he didn't remember Mikami sounding like an insane person. Sharpies are not good for your health.
"Do you love Raito?"
Raito stood up. "What does that have to do with anything?!" The judge hit Raito with yet another text book. 'Where does he keep getting these textbooks?'
"Mikami sakujo sakujo. Sakujo sakujo kami-san sakujo." Translation: "I love him! I love Kira so much! Even more than Takada; way more than Takada. I would be glad to be a bondage slave for Raito!"
Raito was ready to tear out his hair; this was a nightmare and he wasn't waking up.
"Were you surprised when Raito betrayed you?"
Mikami blinked. "Kami-san sakujo?" Translation: "What sorry fanfic have you been reading? Seriously, Raito never betrayed m; he loves me. I know it even though he practically gave me a death threat in every conversation we had. I know he loves me. He just won't admit it."
"Right, one last question. Where did you get your shoes?"
Mikami gave the man a cheerful grin. "Sakujo, sakujo, sakujo, sakujo, sakujo! Sakujo Kami-san sakujo sakujo sakujo. Sakujo sakujo. Sakujo! Kami-san sakujo!" Translation: "Well, I saw Raito wearing these shoes and they were so adorable that I just had to get them—maybe if I wore them, Raito would love me. But Raito got them from that skank of a girl-friend Misa Amane. I would make so much of a better girl-friend/bondage slave! I was practically born for it!"
"For the last time, Misa did not buy me these freaking shoes! I bought the freaking shoes! Misa does not buy me clothes!" screamed Raito at the insane Kira.
The hippie adjusted his pony tail and began to talk with his eyes closed. "Okay more questions. First, are you single?"
"Second question: are you gay?"
Raito burst out cussing and swearing. "Okay, who hired the (bleep)ing moron?! Who the (bleep) is (bleep)ing responsible you (bleep)ing (bleep)!"
After five minutes, Mikami was dragged out of the court house successfully with several shouts of praise to his god.
"The next witness will be L Lawliet."
L hunched his way over to the podium. Of all the departed, he was the one who hadn't changed; Mikami had a weird pen ink stain on his shirt and Raito had bullet holes and blood.
"Oh, (bleep)!" swore Raito, cursing his bad luck. L looked over at him and winked. Triple (bleep).
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"Judge, this is inappropriate and unacceptable. I will not have my best friend narking me out for no reason!"
"Silence in the court house!"
The hippie attorney cleared his throat and went on to interrogate L. "Was Raito your best friend?"
"Like your life partner?"
"Hell no," said Raito and L at the same time. Raito's was followed by screaming and a few nasty words that the authoress refuses to use in order to keep this T.
"If you were gay, would you sleep with Raito?"
Who was this freak?! Some transvestite fangirl gone hippie?!
"I'm not gay."
Thank god L was defending their honor.
"But if you were gay, would you?"
"Because Raito-kun would beat me with a stick if I even mentioned that I wanted to sleep with him."
'That's right foo! Wait what?!' Did L imply in there somewhere that he might be gay? Beating with a stick was an understatement to what Raito was going to do to him now!
"I think you should sleep with Raito."
"I thought this was a trial, not Dr. Phil."
"Alright, it's time to die, hippie! I am not sleeping with my best friend/rival/weird emo guy! I hate you all! Damn you!" Raito threw one of the multiple textbooks stacked around him at the hippie attorney. Unlike the judge, Raito actually had some decent aim and hit the guy's head. It knocked him out cold. 'Take that, treehugger!'
"I want a new attorney; can I have a new attorney?" asked L. No one seemed to notice him, so he left the podium in search of cake.
"Finally! He's gone! Yes!"
The judge rolled his eyes.
"The next witness is that weird blonde transvestite… er… "what's his face." But first, we're going to take a break."
Raito hunched over in his desk as the various jury members and chatted about the weather and other unrelated topics. Then he looked up and noticed the dead detective looking curiously at him with the black eyes.
"Can I help you?" asked Raito.
L shifted, scratching his feet idly and staring at the wall. "I like Raito-kun's shoes; they're adorable. May I ask where he purchased them?" L looked back over to Light, only to be hit in the face with a fist.
"Damn it, Ryuuzaki, don't bring up my shoes at a time like this. Besides—they aren't adorable; they're just smexy." Raito was proud of his shoes, even if everyone else thought Misa had bought them.
"No, the shoes are adorable. Raito-kun is the one who is smexy." L put a finger in his lips, analyzing the dead murderer with black eyes.
"For the last time, they are NOT adora… Wait, did you just say I was smexy?" Raito looked shocked at the words, even horrified. Everyone knew they were true, but still, why did L have to be the one to say them?!
"Yes, I believe I just called Raito-kun smexy; does he have a problem with that?" L was hurt—his best friend had just denied giving him fan service.
"Does the term "get away you perverted bastard" have any meaning to you?" Raito blinked slowly and looked at L with the super-glare-of-instant-doom-and-malice.
"No," pouted L at the twenty-three-year-old.
"How about "I will kill you if you molest me you dirty hentai?"" Raito's glare didn't falter as he looked L in the eyes.
"Nope. Doesn't mean a thing." L brought a cookie to his mouth and began to eat it.
"Moving on… what brings you to my trial, Ryuzaki?" Raito buried his head in his hands; this trial was an embarrassment.
"Cake," stated the detective.
"Cake?" asked Raito, not really sure if he wanted to know.
"They served chocolate cake in the lobby; I assume it was so I could show up and damn you to hell, but really, it was some very good cake."
"Are you going to damn me to hell, Ryuzaki?"
"Just the right amount of frosting and whip cream. These people sure know how to make cake. It was so delicious; you should have been there, Raito-kun. I haven't had cake that good in ages—possibly since the day I died. That was some pretty nice cake, too; did I have cake that day? I honestly can't remember… Possibly…." L mused about the cake for a while longer, but Raito wasn't listening.
There were times when he remembered exactly why he had killed L, and he didn't regret the action for a moment.
Raito decided to change the topic, "How have you been for the past four years or so? Since, well, you know…."
L stared at him for a moment; he put his thumb to his lips and bit down. Raito tried not to think of where that thumb had been.
"I've missed you, Raito-kun," stated L.
Raito blinked. That was a first. People had said "I love you, Raito" or "I hate you, Raito," but never just a plain "I missed you."
"Even though Raito-kun not only killed me, but thousands of others, I have missed his sardonic comments and petty attempts to kill me. In fact, I believe that without you, Raito-kun, I would be at a loss. No one else can fill the void of the person who amuses me." L fell silent for a moment.
"I'll take that as a compliment. To be honest, I missed you too; your successors were a waste of my time. They even gave me this little speech about how I'm a heartless murderer who is beneath them. Heart warming to you, but for me… torturous."
"I know! And Near was never as good as you were. He even sat wrong; what a little prick. You were always the best rival, Ryuuzaki; certainly the best L—besides me, of course." Light stopped his rant when L turned away from him. "Where are you going? Didn't you enjoy my compassionate speech on how I missed you?" Raito was offeneded. Here he had just opened his heart to a man he despised and he had just turned his back on him! The nerve!
"Honestly, that was the worst speech I have ever heard. I'm still suffering from it. Dear God, where did you learn to spew that crap? What happened to you, Raito-kun?!"
"Four years of being trapped in an apartment with Misa happened."
An uncomfortable silence grew between them.
"Let's go get some cake, Raito-kun. I'm sure you haven't had it in a while, either. It'll be good for your mentality, and it could stop Misa-chan's poison from spreading to your mind. I'd try to stop it from reaching your heart, but you don't have one." L grabbed Raito's hand and dragged him towards the lobby and chocolate cake.
"I'd say that's untrue since I died of a heart attack," countered Raito; he was still irritated at L for the speech comment.
"I don't care."
(The trial part II)
Raito sat alone at the wooden desk, staring blankly at the judge. He resisted the urge to turn and glare at L. He'd done that enough for one day. L and his goddamn chocolate cake.
Most days, Raito just wanted to shoot himself; today was no exception.
"So, Mello, you were killed by Takada?" asked the new attorney. Frankly, Raito thought he looked a hell of a lot like the old one… but he didn't bring it up.
"Hell if I know!" screamed the blonde boy.
Raito had never actually seen Mello before, so he was a little disappointed when he saw him for the first time. All the fuss seemed to be about a blonde girl who was a little too fond of cross dressing. L really did a great job picking his successors if that was the best he could do. Their hair cuts were atrocious.
"I don't know! Don't you get it?! One moment, I was alive—the next thing I knew I blacked out and was here! Who cares what happened?! It's all that bastard's fault!" Mello pointed straight at Raito, his gloved hand shaking slightly. "Why is he even here? He should be dead!"
"He is dead."
"What?" Mello looked around, confused, then he placed a hand to his still bleeding forehead. "How is he here if he's dead?"
Raito suppressed the urge to roll his eyes; L must have been dying of embarrassment in the pews. The boy didn't know that he was dead.
"You're dead, too."
Mello blinked and shook his head. "No, I'm not." His blonde hair flew from left to right and back again.
"Yes, I'm afraid you are."
"No, I'm just in some sort of a coma! Next thing I know, I'll wake up in a hospital and there'll be a hell of a lot of chocolate, bitch! I have not been whacked by the Kiramister! There is no chance in hell that the wanksta could get rid of me!" If L had been dying of embarrassment before now, he must have been rolling in his grave. Raito turned his head to stare at him; it seemed L looked about ready to shoot himself.
"I think he did. Now, anyways… what exactly did Light Yagami do to you?" asked the lawyer.
"Who?" Mello blinked.
"I am not dead! I refuse to accept that I am dead!" screamed the blonde successor.
"Hey, at least your death was easy! I had a freaking heart attack and was shot to death! You just crashed into a church, you asshole!" Raito tried to determine how horrified L was; he looked even worse than he had when he had died. Hmmmmm. Interesting.
"Silence in the court room!"
"Your honor," said L, rising to his feet, "I'd like to say something in Raito's defense."
Raito blinked. Had he heard that correctly? Was, was he going to live? Well, not live, but still… was this even possible?!
"You see, Raito-kun is incredibly sexy, and on behalf of the L/Light online community, it would, frankly be really hard to do a fic when the second member is in Hell."
And bang went Raito's nice thoughts about L. The bastard. Wait a minute…. L… L never read any L/Light fics; how did he know what they entailed…?
"HE'S A FAKE!"
Insert audience gasp. L's mouth fell open and he jumped out of the pews, running full speed for the exit, before he was stopped by the rather large bailiff.
"Stop right there!" The big man held L down as Raito rushed over to the captive detective.
"Now let's see who's really behind the mask!" yelled Raito who then grabbed a fistful of L's hair and pulled.
The rubber mask fell off and underneath it was……
(The authoress has an important announcement)
Okay, here's how this goes. I'm feeling generous today, so instead of the normal ending where nobody is satisfied, I'll make sure this is a happy ending.
I can do that. Because I'm just cool that way.
(Back to the ending)
The clone of L glared at Light underneath a pair of red eyes as he clenched his fist in rage.
"I've caught you, B! Everyone knows you're secretly an L/Light fan and want us to do nothing but have sex!"
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" shouted the murderer as he was dragged from the room.
"Now, Raito Yagami, for ridding us of this horrible plot twist you will be sent…"
Raito closed his eyes in anticipation. This was the moment he'd been waiting for! He was going to be rewarded for all his effort.
"What?" screamed Raito.
But it was too late as he felt his legs pulled down by spindly little hands into the eternal hot tub full of spontaneous combustion.
Author's note: Hey, no one said it had to be YOUR definition of a happy ending. Heh heh. Sorry about the B insert, I have no idea if he reads L/Light fan fiction it's just a way to include him in this story. If you are offended by it then take it up in the reviews.
Here is another poem to pass the time:
There you sit
In your chair
Your sides about to split
As you are being mauled by a bear
You want the pain to stop
You turn in desperation to this page
All you need is to type on your laptop
It doesn't take a mage
One review is all it takes
So remember not to think this is a fake
I apologize for my gory poetry, I am not a poet. Surely you have realized this.