Rated: T for Drunken Debauchery
A/N: This is a companion to Chocolate, but you don't need to have read that to get this (it might help if you do) I think that Bella/Emmett friendship is really underated in the book. I can see them with a nice Brother/Sister relatioship.
Drunk!Bella is hella fun to write.
Disclaimer: I so don't own.
It was exactly eleven o' three at night when an unnaturally shiny Volvo pulled up into the driveway of Godfrey Gottschalk's Twenty-Seven Hour All Night Fresh Smelling Liquor Store (The only place in Forks that sold exclusively alcoholic drinks and a variety of tree-shaped air fresheners)
Usually deserted this time of night, save the odd group of teenagers celebrating somebody's twenty first birthday or a straggler from Port Angeles, the owner, Godfrey Gottschalk, was surprised to see the the good looking Cullen Boy and the Sheriff's Daughter exit the car.
Godfrey scratched his handlebar mustache and bent the page to mark his place in A Walk to Remember. He wiped the dirt and Oreo crumbs from the counter top and checked to make sure his shotgun was still duct taped under the cash register. Satisfied that everything was in order, he put on his best gap-toothed smile and welcomed the duo.
"Why, if it ain't Emmett Cullen and Ms. Bellah Swan. What brings you two here this time of night? Air freshener emergency, maybe?"
"No, actually," Emmett began, leading Bella to the counter "We're here to buy some liquor." Godfrey tipped his head back and let out a great, bellowing laugh. One that shook him from his plaid wife beater clad beer belly all the way down to his Salvation Army boots.
"Aw, c'mon now, you know I don't sell to minors. 'specially not to Sheriff Swan's daughter- Christ's Crutches! I'd like to keep my fellas fully intact, thankyouverymuch.."
"Don't be a spoil sport." Whined Emmett, taking out his wallet from his back pocket and pulling out a twenty "Nobody has to know."
"Please, boy. You call that bribery?"
The Cullen Boy shrugged and put it back, pulling out a fifty dollar bill "How's this?"
"Lordy, that's better'n any fake ID you could give me. Lemme guess, you want something expensive, right? Something with fancy flavour?"
"Nah. We want something crude and harder than a cinder block. Y'know, one of those that's made out of hobo vomit and straight alcohol?"
"Really, now?" Godfrey scratched his chin and raised an eyebrow "I think I've got just the ticket." He bent and rummaged under the counter for a few moments before returning with a bottle of dark amber liquid. "'M friend gave this to me for my fortieth birthday, a few more years back than I care to admit. It's strong enough to kill an elephant or two- stings like a bitch going down, tho'."
"That'll do it." Emmett nodded, placing the bill on the counter and waiting for Godfrey to put the bottle into a brown paper bag. "Thanks."
"Yeah, you'd better be thankful. Not git 'fore I call your pa, Ms. Swan."
Both of them took their goods and skeddadled, leaving the shopkeep to place his boots up on the surface and pull his novel out again. He read a few lines before wiping a stray tear away and shaking his head.
"So damn sad."
"Okay, Bella." Emmett said seriously as they sat down at a deserted curb "You'd better be able to hold your liquor, or I'm going to have hell to pay when I bring your drunken carcass back to Edward."
Bella nodded, biting into a Ho Ho and chewing thoughtfully "'kay." She swallowed "Is there any kind of drinking protocol that I must follow? If I don't, will alcohol ninjas spring from the bushes and assault me with nun chucks?"
"Yes. That's exactly what will happen. All you need to do is take a swig and make sure you don't spit it all over the street." She shrugged and twisted the cap off of the shady looking bottle.
"Bottoms up." She tipped her head back and took a deep drink. It didn't last long, however, before it all came back up and she had to cover her mouth to keep from vomiting.
"Swallow it before your mouth catches fire!" Bella squeezed her eyes shut and forced it down like she was eating a glob of Play-Do without chewing before proceeding to spew a string of curses that is probably illegal in several different countries.
"I had about that same reaction, first time I drank." Emmett gave her a pat on the back "Eat some Ho Ho. It'll help some of the burn." She nodded mutely and shoved the cream filled treat into her mouth, chewing thickly.
"I am never drinking that stuff again!" She muttered.
Bella giggled loudly as she skipped around the street barefoot, swinging the liquor bottle around with her. Some liquid sloshed from it and she stopped, looking at the wet pavement dejectedly.
"Oopsie!" Another fit of giggles followed as she took a swig and winced, shaking her head with loose lips. "D'ya want some, Emmerzorz?"
"Nope. I don't drink anything but animal blood, remember?"
"Riiiiiiight..." She plopped down next to him on the curb "The street is spinning. Why is the street spinning?"
Emmett sighed and pulled out a bottle of water "Drink this."
"So you don't wake up tomorrow morning looking like Nick Nolte's mugshot. Drink." She shrugged and chugged from the bottle, wiping her lips with the back of her hand once she was done.
"Yes, Bella Bear?"
"It is extreeeemly hot." Bella said as she poured the toxic drink over a Ho Ho and proceeded to stuff her mouth "Ew. Now mah fingas are all schticky." he mumbled with a full mouth.
"It's about sixty degrees."
"Pshaw. Nuh-uh, Emerzorz, it's like, eighty degrees. MAN! I'm BURNING UP!"
"Bella Bear, please do not try to take your shirt off. There is no doubt in my mind that Edward will not hesitate to rip both my arms off and beat me over the head with them if he finds out I saw you half naked before he did."
Bella, at that moment, had in fact been trying to lift her shirt over her head. She was failing miserably.
"It won't come off." She whined, wriggling around. "Help?"
"Nope. We've got to get you home before somebody drives by- trust me, if you're ever going to go to jail, you'll want it to be for something more sexy and scandalous than drunkenly flashing an oncoming car."
"Ummm...okie dokie." She stopped trying to peel her top off, and let Emmett place her arms (and shirt) back where they belonged "Hi Emmett...and Emmett's twin. There are three of you...and they're spinning!"
"I bet there are, Bella Bear." He mumbled as she threw her over his shoulder like the proverbial sack of potatoes "If you feel like you're going to vomit, aim for the one on the far left."
"Aye, aye, cap'n!"
"I should kick you repeatedly for that huge display of jackassery/assholery/Seeing-my-fiance-halfnakedery. I will, however, just narrow my eyes in contempt and make sure you get her on the bed where she belongs." Edward mumbled, crossing his arms and supervising Emmett's attempt to set a half asleep Bella on the bed.
"Nighty-night, Emmerzorz." She slurred, her words rapidly transcending into loud, unladylike snores.
"Man, she drank like half the bottle!" Emmett said in surprise "No wonder she was so wasted!"
"She would probably be in the hospital by now if the Ho Ho's hadn't absorbed all of the excess alcohol" Speculated Edward "By the smell of that stuff, it could probably kill an elephant!"
"Most likely...hey, do you think vampires can still get drunk?"
"I seriously doubt it. I mean, if we spent enough time thinking we were drunk it would probably have the same effect. Lord knows it'll taste as rancid as it would normally."
There was a long silence.
"I'll go get the glasses."