I was inspired to do this fic while writing the fifth chapter of another comedy fic of mine entitled 'Stud'. I tried to ignore the urge, but it simply wouldn't go away. So it was developed and written down so I could continue updating my other fic with a clear conscience. Now before I get flamed by yaoi-writers everywhere for the contents of this fic, I must state that I absolutely love yaoi. I only felt that it needed to be made a subject of parody. Folks who hate yaoi, you can rest assured that you will also find plenty of ammunition herein.
Ishida, Ukitake, Hanatarou, Kira and Yumichika; as well as the Shinigami Women's Association. Too many friggin' pairings to list.
Plenty of cracktacular, but not-quite yaoi. An extremely, insanely OOC Ukitake. Do not read while mouth is full. Rated for suggestive themes and crude humour.
This fic is made of the sort of things that would probably make Tite Kubo claw his eyes out. In other words, I've taken his painstakingly-written manga on a highway trip to hell.
It was late in the evening. Yamada Hanatarou sneezed as he dusted the shelves in the small archive belonging to the Shinigami Women's Association. Files of meeting minutes and other paperwork filled the room. He considered himself lucky – this was a boring but easy job.
Just then, his duster brushed against something that fell to the floor with a rustle. Hanatarou bent over to retrieve the tiny piece of paper. It was the label of a drawer in the metal filing cabinet he stood next to. It read "Private literature".
What could that be?
Hanatarou replaced the label. Overcome with curiosity, he pulled open the drawer to reveal several manila folders. After looking about briefly to make sure he was alone, he pulled one out and browsed its contents, the look of horror growing on his face. Poor Hanatarou had discovered the SWA's most terrifying secret.
News travels quickly in Sereitei. First, Yumichika had received the scared phone call from Hanatarou, requesting that he be escorted to safety from the jaws of death, as it were. Once the healer had been rescued (fortunately without incident), he contacted Izuru, who listened to the tale with wide-eyed horror before calling Captain Ukitake. The noble captain slunk away from his quarrelling third seats, and immediately visited Uryuu Ishida, who flatly refused to return to Sereitei. But after the pair rose shaking from Ishida's computer desk three hours later, the quincy capitulated.
The following night saw the motley crew creeping through the sewers beneath Sereitei. Slender figures moved in deathly silence. Not once did Ukitake cough or Yumichika grumble about the filth. They were Men with a mission, united by a common purpose. Stealthily they retraced Hanatarou's route to the Association building. Hanatarou slowly pried open the manhole cover and glanced worriedly about. The coast was clear.
Someone, probably Yumichika, began softly humming the Mission Impossible theme.
Hanatarou lifted the cover and placed it to one side before reaching down to help Ukitake out after him. One by one the Men emerged and faded like ninjas into the night, moving amongst dappled shadows until Hanatarou reached the door. Producing the key from his robes, he opened it and darted inside, followed by the rest. Having breached the entrance, the army of five secured the rooms one by one, encountering no opposition. Their reconnaissance served to acquaint them with the stockpiled resources of their foe, and Kira was able to report exactly how many tampons Nanao kept in the drawer of the front desk in case of emergencies. Having gleaned this most necessary piece of intelligence, they regrouped and stormed the heart of the enemy territory, finally occupying the main meeting hall.
Ukitake triumphantly ascended to the podium and lit a candle. Simultaneously, the Mission Impossible theme stopped as Ishida clapped a firm hand over Yumichika's mouth.
"Brethren, we have gathered here tonight to address a terrible injustice that has been wrought upon us!" Ukitake raised a fist in the air, the flapping of his robes making him resemble a crow (okay, a very white crow) in the shadows of the darkened room. "The bit…beasts do not dwell in this building at night, so here, in the heart of their fortress, we are safer from scrutiny than in even our divisions. We will discuss the tragedy that has befallen our womenfolk, the noble and saintly creatures we hold dear. They have been corrupted by an abominable vice." His voice lowered with seriousness.
"They are addicted to yaoi."
There was a susurration of Manly whispers at the dreaded utterance, as if mere words could drive away the encroaching sense of horror.
"It is not merely the presumption of homosexuality that alarms us," Ukitake continued, eying Yumichika with understanding, "for we are generous enough to allow them the source of their secret pleasure. It is the fact that in their twisted fantasies, the five of us have suffered unfairly. My Brethren, we are…always…the ukes!"
"Penetrated!" cried Yumichika.
"Spanked!" gasped Kira.
"Bound!" wailed Hanatarou.
"Impregnated!" muttered Ishida.
Deathly silence reigned as all present blinked and shook their heads to clear the disturbing mental image before all sanity was stripped from their minds. "My dad's a doctor," he explained, and everyone shuddered anew. Ukitake spoke to break the uncomfortable silence.
"To be uke is more than just being the receiving partner during homosexual intercourse. Ukes are submissive. Ukes are feminine.Ukes are girly. And ukes are not Manly! This is an unconscionable offence to our Masculinity!" He took a deep breath. It hurt.
"I shall begin by stating my case as an example. As you know, fellow captain Shunsui Kyoraku has been my closest friend for more than two millennia. I am his equal. Why then does erotic fiction always feature him on top, pounding away with wild abandon despite the state of my health?" Ukitake's diatribe was interrupted by a bout hacking coughs. Wiping blood away from the corners of his mouth, he motioned for Ishida to take the stand.
"Ichigo is a moron. A great friend, I must admit, but still a moron," the quincy intoned. "So I am content to note that he is everybody's uke. Everyone from Renji to Aizen has been depicted as having an unhealthy interest in Ichigo's rear end. But the reason he is not among us tonight is because I'm his uke. I'm the uke of a uke. That's an added insult. And when Ichigo is too heterosexual or too uptight to rape me, his bloody-minded hollow takes over, but that's depressingly normal compared to those stories involving hypodermics and Mayuri."
Bitterly, Kira confided, "I use a zanpakutou that doubles the weight of things it hits. It means that I'm easily the physically strongest here. Making my opponent's zanpakutou weigh a hundred kilograms is one thing. Parrying said zanpakutou when it's being swung at you is another. I bench-press live oxen for my daily workout. Yet despite this Manly feat, the stories write me as the ultimate submissive that gets helplessly swept off his feet and anally-plundered by everyone from Gin, to Shuuhei, to Renji, to Ikkaku and sometimes even Aizen."
Yumichika sneered when it came to his turn. "Though I would have been more content with several, beautiful males of MY choice, fate has cruelly handed me only two yaoi partners: Ikkaku and Shuuhei. It sickens me to read as I apparently throw myself wantonly at them despite flirting with anything with a penis and entertaining myself with Fuji Kujaku when that isn't an option. Why, oh why do I have to settle for the two of the ugliest, most heavily-scarred men in Sereitei? It's nearly as bad as kissing Ganju Shiba!"
"Aano…Ganju Shiba kisses me in the stories," Hanatarou muttered. "He's really a nice guy, but what were the ladies thinking…he's also four times my size! It's terrifying for me, even worse than going to duel Kuchiki-taichou without a zanpakutou! At other times, I get bent over by Ichigo, or Kuchiki-taichou, or even Zaraki-taichou, even though I'm only a hundred and six years old and of barely legal age in Sereitei! I think those sick, sick women must be getting kicks out of how terrified, if not mortally-injured, I'd be in those scenarios."
There was a long meaningful pause as each of the Men thoughtfully pondered over their shared plight, before deciding that theirs was the worst of the lot. Before they descended into yet another spiral of self-pity, Ukitake took the stand. "What we need to do, Brothers, is to search for our hidden Masculinity, before we can flaunt the testosterone and deal with the misrepresentation. Heterosexuality is seen as the definition of Manhood. What heterosexual fanfic pairings do we have?"
"Not applicable," mumbled Yumichika and Kira in unison. The former stared jewelled daggers at the latter, until Kira hesitatingly confessed, "Well, actually…on rare occasions…Momo Hinamori, but it tends to be a love triangle with Toshiro-taichou where she ends up choosing him anyway." Inwardly he shuddered at thought that she apparently found a boy captain more masculine than himself. Kira consoled himself…it had to be the rank. Right?
"Kuchiki Rukia, Kotetsu Isane, Kusajishi Yachiru, Rangiku Matsumoto…" piped Hanatarou, smiling as he happily rattled off the long list of names. His pride was rudely shattered when Ishida bluntly commented, "But you're not really their Man in those fics. You're their sweet, helpless little boyfriend." Dejected, the medic slumped in his seat.
"I'm most often paired with Inoue Orihime. I love her, fight for her and marry her in the fiction." said Ishida proudly. Hanatarou saw his chance. "Ah, but you also shop, clean, cook and sew for her right?"
The quincy grumbled under his breath before letting Ukitake conclude.
"I get paired with Unohana and Rukia. Unsurprisingly, they usually end up carrying me around and shouldering the burden of my illness." He coughed. "Okay, so our heterosexual pairings are shamefully degrading to our Manhood. We shall find inspiration elsewhere. I have heard that a Man's zanpakutou embodies the essence of his virility. And the shape of his…uh…Manhood too! Everyone, reveal your shikai!"
"Um…" said Ishida.
"Oh…bring out your bow, quincy."
Ginrei Kojaku was duly materialised, bathing the room with blue light. Fully six feet tall from top to bottom, the glowing artefact drew gasps of wonder from the shinigami present. "It can fire thousands of arrows at once", Ishida proclaimed. The shinigami continued to eye it enviously, before Yumichika interrupted.
The bow vanished as Ishida wordlessly adjusted his glasses and ignored him.
Ukitake drew Sogyo no Kotowari whilst uttering the impressively long incantation for its initial release. Reiatsu flared as the blade glowed and split into a pair of smaller ones connected by a rope and…
"What are those little dangly bits?"
The captain glared at Ishida. "They're fishing lures, Ishida. My zanpakutou is lightning and water-based. Don't you think they're shiny?"
Before Ishida could question the relevance of that last statement, Kira coughed softly. "Captain, pardon me for asking, but does this mean that your Manhood therefore has shiny, dangly bits?" he asked, with genuine curiosity.
Ukitake silently swore a bitter oath to report Kira's outburst to his captain, only to realise that Kira no longer had a captain. "No, Lieutenant Izuru Kira; I have no such adornments," he lied. He'd sooner chop it off than be forced to reveal the Prince Albert in front of Hanatarou. Speaking of Hanatarou…
"Hanatarou, please come out of the shadows. I know you have attained shikai. Care to show us?"
"Um…I'm sorry, but it's not that easy to do it here…"
"Take as much time as you need. We'll wait."
"But…but…oh, alright. This is going to hurt…"
Hanatarou drew Hisagomaru and untucked his shihakusho, pulling the fabric up against his chest, to reveal his stomach. Then he drew a deep breath, closed his eyes, and stabbed himself in the abdomen. He held up a hand to stop the others from rushing to him in alarm. The dark gauge on the side of the blade filled with red light as he pulled it out again, revealing that the wound had healed over without a trace. It was an incredibly Manly display of fortitude, and the audience was impressed.
"Captain…can you parry my attack?" he asked feebly.
The shocked captain braced himself. How powerful could a seventh seat's shikai be?
The resulting blast at point-blank range reverberated off Ukitake's reiatsu shield. It held, even though the captain was pushed back a few inches. Slowly, there came the sound of awed applause.
"An impressive release, I admit…then it shrinks into a four-inch scalpel. I guess it's pretty in the now-you-see-it-now-you-don't sort of way," Yumichika added helpfully. Now that he pointed it out, Ukitake, Kira and Ishida squinted to look for it again. Hanatarou hurriedly dropped it back into the empty sheath where it fell into the bottom end with a sad clink. So much for his Manhood.
"Omote wo agero, Wabisuke." Kira's zanpakutou lengthened and bent into a hook. He proudly held it upright. "Four and a half feet long. No frills, and it doesn't shrink."
"It's bent." Ishida said at once.
"Can it thrust or not?" asked Hanatarou.
"It makes people bend over!" Kira insisted.
"But it can't thrust, correct?" said Ukitake.
"Uh..." Kira turned his gaze away to divert attention from Wabisuke. He stared accusingly at Yumichika. "Yumichika, what's your shikai?"
The man sidled forward and released Fuji Kujaku with a swish of his hips. The blade fanned out into four curved ones.
"As you can see…I can thrust it in four places," he said, giving Kira a smug look. Inwardly though, he was nervous. Hopefully the others wouldn't discover his zanpakutou's energy-sucking abilities.
To the white-haired captain, something seemed amiss. "Yumichika, your zanpakutou consists of four curved blades in its released state. Though not quite shaped like U-bends," he paused when Kira snorted, "this suggests it works as a parrying weapon, meant to catch another's thrust. The cutting edges are on the inside curves too. Yamada Hanatarou…" Ukitake slowly verbalised the theory forming in his head.
"Is quadruple penetration of a male person possible?"
"Uh…I'm not sure. But I recall that during his last physical, Ayasegawa-san was certified to be healthy and developmentally normal. Beautiful in fact," he added hastily, having learnt how to please the fifth seat. Yumichika beamed.
"Aano…that means he has one delicate anus, two pretty hands, and one very beautiful mouth…"
By the time the others finished peeling Yumichika off the sobbing Hanatarou, Ukitake was looking somewhat crestfallen. So far his efforts to produce concrete proof of the group's Masculinity were failing. He had to think of something fast.
"Brothers, I, as a Captain, command you to take no further heed of the petty slights inflicted on our Masculinity!" There was some uncertain agreement. "We are Men and will forever carry ourselves as such. And we shall work to correct the misconceptions of our female counterparts. This is not an unattainable goal!"
"We look like Men!" Five skinny arms pumped the air in agreement.
"We sound like Men!" There was a squeal of assent.
"We use urinals!" The squeal grew into loud applause.
"Ukes of the world, unite… we ARE Men!"
And there was rejoicing.
The Brotherhood of five left the meeting room in a satisfied mood, even if some members could not escape the nagging feeling that they had somehow participated in an act of mass self-deception. Hanatarou trailed behind the others, in accordance with his rank. Then his keen eyes noticed a tiny device mounted in a tight alcove sunken into the doorframe. It was at head height for him and therefore missed by the other shinigami. He lingered to examine it closely.
It was a little black box, about half the size of his open hand. The rectangular casing was featureless save for two tiny LED bulbs, one red and the other green. The former was unlit, but the latter shone softly in the gloom.
"Hey…I think I've found something. It looks like something Kurotsuchi Nemu would have made."
The others paused and returned to the strange machine. Try as they might, none could figure out what it was for, or what it did. Prodding the machine (his idea), scorching the casing with a lit candle (Ishida's idea), and making death threats to it (Yumichika's brainchild) elicited no response. Nor did passing in front of it for that matter.
"I still think it's a security device of some sort, since it's mounted in a doorway but can't be manipulated," said Ukitake. He peered at it thoughtfully. "If so, it hasn't been triggered at all by our shikais, let alone our entry or departure. What does it guard against?"
Kira hung his head sadly. He was one of those that felt the whole evening was a farce, and that maybe, just maybe, the fangirls were right. "Guys, I'll have to break it to you bluntly. The SWA is open to all female shinigami. Apparently, the device thinks we fit the description."
A pregnant silence grew as five Male egos were simultaneously deflated. There was a quiet, bitter whisper from Ukitake.
"Hanatarou, how do you scientifically measure Manhood?"
The medic fumbled for a bit before answering, "Well, uh…I guess some kidou
scanners can detect the sex of someone's reiatsu, which is affected by hormones like testosterone…"
"How do you increase testosterone?" Behind the captain, Ishida was already flexing his biceps in front of the sensor to no effect.
Hanatarou's face took on a steely expression. The doctor was in.
"Well, apart from hormonal injections… Men experience a surge of testosterone when there is conflict. I think we could…"
"…draw our weapons." Yumichika finished for him, flashing a brilliant smile at the healer. Four zanpakutous and one bow were produced in response, but the device remained unresponsive. The five Men were past caring about the consequences if they triggered the machine. Their respective Manhoods were being called into account once again.
"Er…it's not just holding weapons… aggression increases testosterone too." Hanatarou added.
This time, various constipated-sounding grunts could be heard as five Men flourished their penile replacements in various battle poses, yet the sensor remained obstinate. But the Brotherhood was determined; and Ukitake began coordinating them to do so simultaneously for combined effect. Finally, on the eighteenth try…
They marched upon the unsuspecting sensor, with nothing but bloody murder in their eyes, like a gritty scene out of a war movie. Menace and blue light from Ishida's bow glinted off metallic blades as sweat glistened on their brows. As one Man, they stepped forward, a wall of bared teeth and corded muscles. As one Man they lifted their respective weapons, all in released form. As one Man, they sucked in a breath and let it out in a terrible warcry…
The green light suddenly switched off, to be replaced by the red one. Immediately, there was a loud click and a flash of light from the camera mounted overhead.
As one Man, they turned tail and fled.
The following day, Nanao was taking a well-deserved coffee break when Nemu approached her, photographs in hand. The usually-neutral expression on the Twelfth's lieutenant's face was betrayed by the concern in her eyes.
"Nanao, should I re-tune the sensor?" The fact that it took a concerted effort from five intruders to trip the camera was worrying.
Ise Nanao scanned the photos carefully. The first showed Yumichika Ayasegawa, his thin chest puffed out and his pretty face contorted into a snarl. To his right, Yamada Hanatarou's eyes blazed, his finger-length zanpakutou raised above his head to strike. Next was Izuru Kira, his grinning rictus in stark contrast to his heavy-lidded eyes that were shut against the glare of the camera flash. Uryuu Ishida's bow was overexposed as it was a light source as well. His reflective spectacles scattered rays of light that bloomed like so many small flowers across the rest of the picture. Finally, Captain Jushiro Ukitake stood in front of them, twin blades held aloft, eyes wide as his mouth was framed into the first syllable of his exclamation when the camera went off; i.e. 'Oh shit…"
The second shot simply showed their retreating backsides.
Nanao pondered the significance of the photographs and whether or not the nocturnal intrusion justified more stringent security measures. Finally she tossed them down in front of Matsumoto with a rare chuckle.
"Don't worry Nemu," she replied. Matsumoto snatched them up the photos, bawling with laughter. "They're harmless enough. Send Ukitake, Ishida, Kira, Yumichika and Hanatarou a message to say that the Shinigami Women's Association cordially welcomes them as fellow members. Thanks for the photographs, by the way. I have to return to my paperwork now. Kyoraku-taichou is such a lazy man…"
As Nanao returned to her desk, her eyes suddenly brightened with inspiration. She whipped out her trusty book and pen and started scribbling down the outline for her next yaoi fic.
A/N: I hope people have enjoyed this fic as much as I had writing it! Reviews are welcome as always.