AN: My first fic in a really long time! Feels good to write again… Don't judge me too badly! The soundtracks for this story are: It Ends Tonight- American Rejects, Tomorrow's Way- Yui, Sen no yoru wo koete- Aqua Timez, This Love- Angela Aki, Tobira no mukou e- Yellow Generation and Far Away- Nickelback.
Disclaimer: Kanda will never own a shirt in his life if I owned D. Gray-Man!!! The song 'It Ends Tonight' by The All American rejects is not mine either!
He didn't want to need.
Not if it was going to hurt like this. Every fleeting moment was painful. Every touch, every whisper of sweet nothings…
Death. He only knew too much of it. Who wouldn't? When sitting stubbornly on your desk is a ridiculously delicate flower, telling you when your number will be up. He had always entertained the thought of a violent death. He was born in war, and there he thought he'd die.
But not like this… In the arms of his lover. Strong arms circled his waist as a chiseled chest pressed comfortably against his back. He was the one who usually did the embracing, but things were different, for today. They could feel it… they knew.
"Allen, talk to me. Tell me… anything." Kanda whispered, tracing the non-existent patterns on virgin white sheets.
"Feeling chatty aren't we?" The other replied, attempting a good-natured laugh. He smiled, knowing that this familiar arch on the face was only for him… The beauty of it was blinding, so amazingly beautiful he always thought it couldn't be real. He always thought, that if he so much as breathe, the mythical creature in front of him would disappear, leaving nothing but the memories of it. It was a mirage, an illusion, to mock him of his misery, his want, his need.
Silence ensued before a soft sigh was heard. The white-haired exorcist began running his fingers through raven strands, down a pale collarbone, and up again, repeating the cycle.
"Do you remember, the dare? When the twins got bored?" Allen asked absentmindedly, adjusting his position as Kanda turned to face him.
He closed his eyes as he perused through what little memories he had. The twins, the two bundles of joy, courtesy of Lavi and Lenalee.
"Mmm…" He mumbled, pressing himself closer to the warmth Allen provided. The fresh clean scent, the perennial aura of happiness, he didn't want to let go.
"You were bent on avoiding that one. For a moment then, I even thought you were going to nuke them."
"But you didn't." He continued. "I'll admit I was stunned, I didn't think you would do it. Your ice prince persona came into conflict. I thought you'd be too shy…" He trailed off, his mismatched hands slipping under the white button-up shirt, exploring the expanse of pale, smooth skin.
The Japanese snorted, inclining his head proudly, yet unintentionally beautifully. Allen grinned at his arrogant ways, some things never seemed to change.
"But you stood up, and the instant you began removing your coat, I couldn't think anymore. It wasn't until Lenalee had her hands over the twin's eyes that I realised that you had your lips over mine..." Allen trailed off, smiling pleasantly at the memory. Tentatively, Kanda nuzzled his neck, breathing deeply.
Picking up the hand that was rough and blistered from years of wielding the sword, Allen gently cradled it in his own, knowing that it was the last time… The last time it would be warm. He trailed his fingers along familiar scars, scars that he could point out with his eyes closed. They were faint, barely visible, but he knew them. The pesky lines that marred the smooth alabaster skin of his beloved.
Finely sculptured chest rose and fell in a silent rhythm, the exhale of each breath resounding softly in the hushed room. The atmosphere was fragile, so easily breakable. Each tick could never be experienced again. What little time they had now, was all he had to keep him sane for the next few centuries. Was all he had to remember…
He knew that he had made the most of each moment they shared together. Each and every memory was carefully tucked in his mind. But every time he so much as glimpsed back, each moment felt like a chance he had missed. He couldn't put a finger on where things went wrong, but he felt like he could have done better. He could have done so much more.
Alas, now was not the time to reminisce, he would have so many chances to do so later… when dawn comes…
He swallowed the tears that threatened to well, and continued, stroking the dark strands he would never feel again.
"A-and… There was another time, when-"
"Allen…" A muffled whisper was a heard.
He choked back a sob, responding sotto voce, "Yes?"
"I'm cold…" Kanda murmured, his cool, chilled hands limp in Allen's.
"Don't be, I'm still here with you…" The latter replied, pulling them impossibly closer, his gentle, yet firm grip ever so loving.
"But I won't be." Kanda sighed softly, his breathing getting softer as the first ray of light began to creep over the horizon.
"Yuu… Don't say things like that… Please…" Allen pleaded, his heart was crying, for it did what his eyes could not. He didn't want to be weeping, looking ugly when he left.
"I want to say something wise, but I can't think of anything… It won't be like me anyway, would it?" Kanda wondered inaudibly, looking at the sweet face that would soon contort with misery, without him there to erase it.
Dark orbs met silver, conveying words they could not say. Fate was so cruel, so heartless… They were all wrong for each other. He was so innocent, untainted, untouched. And he, he was cold, aloof and incorrigibly tyrannical…
The world hated their paradoxical relationship, they forbade it.
And they were wrong, wrong to try and bridge the impossible.
But what mattered? What mattered, if it felt so good? If the exhilaration of falling, and falling harder each and every time, was sheer euphoria? Everything else seemed so meaningless when he was inebriated in his presence. He knew it wouldn't last long, and for that, he had hesitated, and wasted the time they could have spent together…
"I'm scared, Yuu. Please don't leave me alone! I don't want you to go!" If he had thought that Allen was young, he now seemed even younger than ever. Fear was reflected in silver eyes, with love and passion clouding at the sides. He was still so pure and young… But he couldn't protect him from the harsh world anymore. He had to go…
"Allen…" Kanda said faintly, precariously near the edge and falling into sleep.
When darkness turns to light…
"- Don't be afraid."
I don't want to need at all…
"Moyashi… I love you-"
"Allen…" The last word spilled with unsurpassed love and affection, from the lips that he had once kissed with such ardour, the lips that had cried out passionately in their moments of love, lips that kissed away his pain…
And with dawn, the light took his love away.
It ends tonight…
"Yuu, I'm crying… but you're not here…"