-A/N-: To the wonderful biach-goddess-leah, Plain Jane Is A Vampire, Kiki Lelsissia, Isle of Pens, The Freak On A Leash and Jextia, your reviews were awesome! THANKS. And I apologize for the wait. I'm on vacation now. Updates will be sporadic at best. Yes, I'm still updating even though I'm in another country. WHOO.
Disclaimer: Aye, I own nothing except the Crypt of Exodus. And the ridiculous plot of this fic.
Larxene, that awful Savage Nymph, was nowhere to be found. This was the first thing Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, realized as he tore through the Crypt like a kid on a scavenger hunt for Easter eggs. In fact, Larxene was completely, totally, utterly M.I.A. all day. It was like she dropped off the face of… wherever they were. And so, Axel was panicking.
Damn, where had that crazy bitch gone off to?
The redhead knew he would lose to Sitar Man and Keyblade Boy if he didn't find that woman soon. He peered into XII's room, hoping to catch her in there, only to find it empty and devoid of life (not that they were living since they weren't technically existing). He cursed, slammed her door shut, cursed again when his fingers got caught, and stormed off in a random direction.
And then, two minutes and five seconds later, an idea struck him. It struck him so hard he staggered backwards in surprise, nearly breaking the ornate china vase that Saïx adored to death (not that Axel cared about unsuspecting furniture anyways).
If the Kunai-throwing devil refused to be found, so be it. He'll make the horse come to the water.
Taking a deep breath, the redhead hollered as loud as he dared without ripping his voice box to shreds.
"LARXENE! Where in the blue hell are you?! Get over here! I have a deal to strike with you. It's a good one too! I swear!"
A second ticked by and he got no reply. And then, Larxene seemed to almost materialize out of thin air and Axel nearly jumped out of his skin when the tiny woman replied from behind like she had been stealthily stalking him all along. Weren't they technically no longer able to use dark portals?!
"Axel! Hiiii! You wanted me?" she asked sweetly as he turned around to face the Savage Nymph. Her voice was dripping with honey and her eyes were way brighter than usual. She was on tiptoes, gazing expectantly into the taller Nobody's eyes.
VIII blinked, as though the mere sight of Larxene had blinded him. "Wanted you?" he echoed, "Nah, not so much. What I want is to make a deal. See, we're having a Christmas party in a few days," he looked at the woman to make sure she was following, "aaaand… Nami's inviting Sora, Riku and Kairi."
Larxene's smile deteriorated in a span of half a millisecond and her vivid eyes narrowed into slits, making her look like a particularly poisonous snake.
"I know you don't much care for them," Axel continued, "but if you'll agree on this, then I promise you -"
"Darling, I'll make you the deal," Larxene cut in smoothly, her smile returning. If he wanted to play, she could do just as well, if not better. She knew Axel would only make deals if he was really, really desperate for cooperation. Now, she could surely use this to her advantage.
Axel gave an exasperated sigh, knowing he was caught. "Fine," he conceded, "state your offer and I shall consider."
Number XII of Organization Obsolete silently praised herself. She was right. He'd probably do anything as long as she agreed to the stupid party at the end of the day.
She smirked. "Hmmm… I'll agree to your party if you…" she feigned thoughtfulness for a few moments, "if you, if you…"
"If I what?" Axel grated.
"If you kiss me. Full on the lips, during the Christmas party with your Upstairs Pals." She grinned. "In front of everyone. Including your 'best friend'."
Axel felt like walking away right then and there. But then, he thought about the game he was playing, and there was no way he was going to lose to two people. Roxas and Demyx would NOT get whatever they wanted from him. No way!
He weighed his odds.
Kissing XII was way worse than losing to XIII and IX. But… damn, he couldn't afford to get Demyx a new iPod and God knew what ROXAS wanted.
Biting back a particularly long string of swear words, Number VIII shook his head slowly and spoke, "Larx, that's not really fair." He looked around shiftily and ran his fingers through his blood-red mane. He was definitely treading on dangerous ground here. If he didn't please this silly girl, he would fail to win her vote.
It was time to improvise.
And maybe kill two birds with one stone.
She could be devious, but he could be just as conniving. Two could play at this game.
"Okay, Larxene, listen. If you go around kissing whoever you like for no reason, people might get the wrong impression and think you were some psycho slut bent on shoving your tongue down every male creature. And I doubt you'd want that, right?"
XII raised an eyebrow, speculating as to what Axel was getting at.
"So," VIII went on hastily, "here's the thing: you can make it seem like an accident. Then it wouldn't be too obvious."
Larxene was bemused. "And how, pray tell, can I make kissing you seem like an accident? Hmm?"
Axel raised his index finger and wagged it in front of her face, a glint sparkling in his eye. "Naminé's in charge of decorations, along with Roxy. I'll get her to stick some mistletoe up on the ceiling. That way, you can uh, accidentally bump into me or whatever under the thing and… yeah…"
Larxene's eyes lit up like the fourth of July. Axel actually saw it happen in like, slow-motion, and he had to suppress a shudder of dread. Demyx was right about her. She was one mad woman.
"Okay!" XI crowed, as though Christmas had come early. "Wow, you're so totally a genius!"
Axel smiled thinly. Yeah, now to figure out how to totally avoid you on the night of the party. "Right, of course I'm a genius. So, we have a deal?"
"Excellent! It was nice doing business with you. I'll get Nam and tell her to stick the mistletoe up on the doorway leading towards the staircase to the Realm of the Living when Christmas comes."
"Sweet!" Larxene practically pranced up and down on the spot. "You're such a darl!"
"Uh-huh. Well, I really gotta' run. I need to go collect my winnings from those two noobs now." And with that, VIII left Larxene behind. The girl was still floating about on Cloud Nine, thinking of nothing else but Axel's lips on hers.
As the redhead traipsed down the hallway in search of his two friends, he swore to himself that he was without doubt staying a hundred feet from Larxene during the party.
But at least there would be mistletoe now. And Roxas wouldn't be able to have a say about it.
The redhead grinned to himself. Oh, he mauled two birds with one stone, alright.
He rounded the corner. And then stopped dead when he found the Melodious Nocturne and the Key of Destiny watching TV with Lexaeus, Xigbar and Xaldin in the lounge room.
"No… friggin'… way."
They… could not have beaten him to it.
Demyx turned and waved at the speechless Axel. "Oh, hey, guess what? I think we win. And Xal can vouch for us too."
There was silence for a few moments as hiphop music dominated the room.
Then, Axel promptly exploded.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, four Disney characters, three Paopu fruit, two fiery chakrams and a Keyblade with a keychain of Mickeeey.