Werewolf Myths Confirmed or Busted
Archbishop Sarducchi stared at his guests with a very disproving expression. He had no formal diocese, he was the Vatican's chief troubleshooter for the North American continent and when he had to deal with a situation personally, it was serious. "I hope," he addressed the group, "that all of you are well enough aware of the influence I have with certain…factions…that I won't be forced to waste time making threats."
The five people gathered around the table all nodded.
"Good enough," he continued, "that means that we can get right to the story without needless boasting and posturing." He gave his audience a piercing stare and waited for the story to come out.
The Mythbusters-Jamie, Adam, Kari, Tory, and Grant all looked at each other nervously. They were in deep trouble. This type of trouble was worse that legal trouble. This type of trouble was worse than being on the wrong side of the Mafia. They were facing trouble that only the combination of organized religion, the Internal Revenue Service, and the insurance industry could muster. Lesser people would have wilted on the spot. Jamie took a defiant approach. "I don't understand why you called us in here," he said, "your superiors specifically told me to quit investigating the ambulatory dead. I have done so. The only thing that I have done that could be remotely construed as investigating the undead is to have Kari keep a diary."
"That's not the issue here and you know it!" Archbishop Sarducchi snapped back. "You went and delved into those dark rites, those forbidden practices, in an effort to produce abominations!'
"We didn't to anything with the Teletubbies!" Grant objected.
"I'm talking about the other abominations!" Archbishop Sarducchi replied.
"And just who forbade us…me…from studying them?" Jamie demanded.
"WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH A LEGAL CONTRACT HERE!" Archbishop Sarducchi roared in response. "We had warned you against dabbling with such magic before. I don't care that we hadn't forbidden specific procedures. You KNEW that we would not approve of such experimentation and you KNEW that we would take action."
"Especially," he continued, with a pointed look at Adam, "considering your previous experience."
Grant, Kari and Tory stared at Adam and Jamie. Archbishop Sarducchi didn't miss this.
"You mean to tell me," he said to both Adam and Jamie, "that you didn't tell your employees what you knew could happen? You didn't tell them about the mishap?"
"What mishap?" Grant asked, with a hard look at Adam and Jamie.
"We can deal with this later," interrupted Archbishop Sarducchi. "I want to know exactly what happened with this incident."
The five Mythbusters looked at each other for several moments before Jamie caved in, "alright," he started, "it was like this. Your unwholesome alliance and its ability to tax, provide redemption, and withhold coverage had forbade me from studying vampirism, but I was still interested in…shall we say…things beyond standard science?"
"Otherwise know as the occult," supplied Archbishop Sarducchi.
"That or the BBC. Anyway, I wanted to expand science, not just practice it. I know I don't have a world class research center. But if I could just uncover something to substantiate the werewolf myths the real biological laboratories might look into the lycanthrope experience and reap benefits for the human race."
"What benefits could there be?" Archbishop Sarducchi asked, in a much gentler voice.
"Increased healing and the ability for Search and Rescue organizations to track people by scent for starters." Jamie replied. "These are some of the things I've heard about werewolves. Perhaps any positive trait could be quantified and exploited."
"An honorable quest but how did you go about pursuing it?"
"I recorded the…er…ritual that resulted in the unfortunate incident." He flashed a guilty glance at Adam. "And I thought that I had eliminated the errors. After the previous incident I didn't want anyone else taking the risk so I caged myself and performed the ritual on myself."
"I take it that you didn't become a werewolf?"
"Correct. Not only did I not assume any wolflike traits, I also failed to completely transform."
"If you didn't change into a werewolf, what animal trait did you acquire?"
"Um…er…a…" Jamie took a deep breath and forced it out. "A walrus."
"You've got to be kidding me!"
"I wish I was. Fortunately the alteration isn't complete. I don't actually assume the form of a walrus."
"So what happens? I've never heard of a werewalrus before."
"I don't have a very good memory of what happens when the…disposition hits me."
"It isn't really serious," Adam jumped in. "He's started to gravitate towards a more seafood oriented diet. But since he keeps plenty of toothpaste and mouthwash on hand, it hasn't been a problem for the rest of us." Adam looked around the room, his eyes fixing on a calendar pinned on the far wall. "However, every full moon he has an irresistible urge to strip naked, jump in the ocean, eat raw shellfish and 'ort' at people on shore. The only thing that has happened so far is some embarrassment and a few marriage proposals."
Archbishop Sarducchi finally broke a smile. "The women around here like his body?"
"Who said anything about human women? There's an awful lot of female seals making eyes at this guy wherever he goes."
His face turning red, Jamie cut in. "Isn't that about enough of this?"
"But you haven't attacked anybody while in this…altered state?" Asked Archbishop Sarducchi.
"Only once," Grant replied sheepishly. "And I sort of brought in on myself. He had just 'gone walrus' for the second time. I had my kayak ready and trailed him in the bay, but unfortunately I got too close and he attacked my boat."
"Well, apparently he had 'walrussed out' enough to think his mustache was a set of tusks. He tried to skewer the kayak but only managed to mash his face. He kept trying though, I'll give him that. My kayak has a series of his face impressions in it and you can see his expression becoming more and more distraught from front to back."
"But this was his only aggressive act?" Archbishop Sarducchi seemed most concerned about it.
"Yep," answered Kari, "We've learned that when he 'goes tusky' to just give him his space and let him eat a few dozen oysters. Of course all those oysters might account for the way he looks back at some of those seals."
"Are we through with this?" Jamie was clearly uncomfortable with the discussions about his amorous pursuits while thinking he was an amphibious mammal.
"Very nearly," Archbishop Sarducchi answered. "I have to say that I am most disappointed in your actions. However, your intentions were good. I forbid you to perform any additional testing until such time that my superiors have established guidelines. Your desire for beneficial research is most generous. We will be in touch."
Later, after they had all piled into the van, Tory finally asked the question that had been bothering him, Kari, and Grant.
"What exactly was the 'earlier incident' he mentioned?"
Adam let out a resigned sigh and answered, "Jamie and I had performed a similar rite with me as the focus. I don't know the full and proper ceremony so we still don't know how to 'choose' a particular animal or how to cause the conversion to be complete. Needless to say, I didn't take on a wolfish aspect either."
"What did you become?" asked Kari.
"We had a cage of the little critters in the shop, testing the myth that they were suicidal. I guess the spell sort of grabbed one of them and gave me its perceived aspect."
Leaning forward Grant asked, ""What are you talking about?"
"It explains a lot of the incidents associated with the show. How I tend to injure myself all of the time. How I seem to put myself in potentially dangerous situations."
"You mean…" Grant thought he understood.
"Yes, we were testing myths about a certain Scandinavian rodent at the time we tried the ceremony."
"YOU'RE A WERELEMMING?" Stunned, Grant fell back into his seat.
Adam dropped his head and nodded, which wasn't a good thing since he was driving. Of course, this act served to reinforce his revelation.
"Great!" Tory threw his hands up in disgust. "Werelemming, werewalrus and vampire! I can't believe this. I'm the only normal one here!"
"WHAT ABOUT ME!" demanded Grant.
"YOU'RE AN ENGINEER!" Tory snapped back.
"Okay, good point," Grant conceded., "but what do we do now?"
"I don't see any reason to really change anything," said Jamie. "If you guys want to keep it up, the show's still going strong. We can continue making money and helping people." He glanced over at Adam. "Of course, maybe Adam's right and its time to step away from the 'oogie boogie' stuff. We've obviously done enough damage to ourselves."
Adam stifled an urge to steer into oncoming traffic and smiled. All it took was several disasters to make people see his point.