So this is a completely random retelling of Beauty and the Beast that's been sitting on the shelf for a while now. There are a lot of random references to other movies and things, so if you get confused feel free to pm me or leave a review with questions. For this first bit: I don't own Disney, CSI, Hoodwinked, or that Dr. Evil pinkie thing. Here we go!


The story opens with a shot of a waterfall, some birds twittering, and a deer grazing. In the distance, a castle looms menacingly. Ominous music fills the air. But where is the music coming from? There is a blue shape in the background acting as a one-man band. When he realizes he has been spotted he slinks off out of frame.

Narrator: Once upon a time in a faraway land…

Before the Narrator can finish, a shot rings out. The grazing deer falls over and the camera zooms to it. In seconds, it is surrounded by woodland creatures.

A spastic squirrel takes pictures of everything. Three little pigs, who are policemen, unroll yellow crime scene tape around the area. A raccoon policeman outlines the body with chalk. An ambulance has arrived and two ducks in medical uniforms stand ready to take the body away. Out of the brook jumps a long-legged, well-dressed frog. He ducks under the yellow tape and examines the body. The rest of the creatures have gathered around him, he looks up at them.

Raccoon Policeman: Well, Flippers, what do we have?

Flippers: Bambi's mother has been shot. Round up the usual suspects.

A camera flash goes off and a title appears on screen:

CSI: ENCHANTED FOREST

A series of clips are shown.

Clip 1:

Flippers: Now, Mr. … Japeth is it? We were wondering if you saw anything that day.

Japeth: (singing) Well, you came to the right goat!

Flippers: I must ask: do you sing everything?

Japeth: (singing) Well, 37 years ago, a witch done put a spell on me. A spell where when I'm talkin', I'm singin' it with glee!

He pulls out a banjo and begins to play it, still singing. Flippers sighs and puts his head in his…um, well…flippers. Japeth has now switched to yodeling and is now yodeling, playing banjo, and swinging from the overhead light by his horns.

Clip 2:

The pigs have apprehended a creepy looking guy.

Pig 1: Get him in the tank.

Clip 3:

Flippers: And where were you at that time, Mr. Wolf?

Wolf: I wasn't there! Why do you always think I did it?! I'm a journalist for Pete's sake! Look, isn't there anyone else you can question or am I the only guy on your suspect list?

A cricket chirps softly in the background as the other animals just look at each other.

Wolf: Hoo Boy.

Clip 4: Twitchy has found the coffee and is now bouncing off the walls, literally.

(sound like film or a record stopping) The Narrator steps into frame.

Narrator: Stop it! Stop it! That's silly! Stop being silly! It started out as a nice idea of animals being law enforcement. But now, a squirrel drinking coffee? I ask you…

Twitchy literally screeches to a halt beside the Narrator.

Twitchy: Actuallyinormallydon'tdrinkcoffee.

Narrator: I, uh, what?

Twitchy: Inormallydrinkchaitealattes.

The Narrator's eyes flick from side to side to see if anyone's watching before he flicks Twitchy off screen. We can here a high-pitched yell and things clattering off camera as he lands.

Twitchy: (off camera) I'm okay!

Narrator: Right then. Back to the story. On three. One…two…five!

Random Crew Member: Three, sir.

Narrator: Three!

The picture shifts back to the castle where we zoom in on a group of stained glass windows.

Narrator: As I was saying -- Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the price was...

The camera cuts of to the sound booth where the Narrator is standing. He is looking down at the floor where a clattering noise can be heard. The camera pans down to reveal Twitchy walking over while trying to shake a tin can off his foot. As the Narrator stares down at him in disbelief, Twitchy looks up and gives him a closed-mouth smile.

Twitchy: Hi.

The Narrator still stares at him in disbelief.

Twitchy: Whydoyougettotellthestory? I'ddoitbetterandfaster.

Narrator: I...uh...wh-what?

Twitchy: Allit'saboutisagirlwho sings everywhere she goes! Lalalalalalala.

The Narrator merely blinks at him.

Twitchy (con't): YaknowIknewagirllikethatonce. Shereallylikedred. I'vegotapictureofhersomewhere.

He goes through his vest pockets trying to find the photo. The Narrator pints to the squirrel and looks to the crew like "Are you kidding me?" Twitchy keeps chattering quickly while searching his pockets.

Narrator: Do we have any duct tape?

No one responds. The Narrator sighs and grabs Twitchy by his back collar. He brings Twitchy up to his eye level.

Narrator: I'm tellin' the story!

He opens the door and throws out Twitchy, but not before he can protest.

Twitchy: Hey! HEY! Whatareyoudoing? I'llcallPETAortheASPCA!

The last word forms into a yell as he's thrown out the door. The Narrator slams and locks the door.

Narrator: Now, where was I-ahh!

Twitchy is sitting on a stool by the microphone.

Twitchy: Hi.

The Narrator is clutching his heart and staring wide-eyed and white-faced at the spastic squirrel whose tail is twitching impatiently.

Narrator: How did you...but you were...I thought I... (starts hyperventilating)

Twitchy: Easy-peasy.

Twitchy magically transforms into the Authoress!

Authoress: I am the Authoress!

(dramatic chord)

The Narrator takes a paper bag away from his mouth.

Narrator: I'm going insane...stark raving wacko!

Authoress: Join the club, we've got jackets.

Narrator: Why me? I was hired to do this one simple thing. I could have been done in one take. Then I could get back to being a talking clock. (curls up in the fetal position) Did I forget someone's birthday? 'Cause I'm scared. (begins to suck his thumb)

The Authoress rolls her eyes and pulls the Narrator to his feet.

Authoress: Don't go all Drakken on me. Geez. Just finish so we can get on with the story. (she goes to the door, opens it and then pauses) By the way, it's not always you. I ran into Twitchy and he told me he's been thrown out of frame at least twice today.

She leaves, closing the door behind her. The Narrator holds his head in his hands. He sighs and goes back to reading.

Narrator: Now where was I? The prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, and old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at her.

Stained Glass Representation of the Prince: Ha! I sneer in your general direction!

Narrator: and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress.

Random Guy: Holy cow! She found the fountain of youth!

Narrator: The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late...

Another Random Guy: Stupid Gitface

Narrator: for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle,

We see the Beast for the first time.

Random Kid: FUZZY!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world,

The mirror crackles and glows green.

Random Chick: Ooo...pretty colours! I want to poke it!

Narrator: The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year.

The rose lets out a pulse of bright pink light and white, sparkly things fall from the petals.

Same Random Chick: Ooo...pretty colours and shininess! I want to poke it!

Jeremy: Ooo...a sparkly! Ya know, I've always wanted a sparkly of my very own.

Narrator: If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast of all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?

Crew Member: Um...is that a rhetorical question?

Narrator: YES!!!

Crew Member: Touchy.

Narrator: (to crew) Did we get it? We did? Good. (magically transforms into a clock) I'll be in my trailer.

He hops to the door, which magically opens for him. He hops out and a Blue Whirlwind swirls in.

Random Crew Member: Who are you?

Blue Whirlwind: (imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger) The ever impressive, (puts himself in a box) long contained, (talks with a dummy) often imitated, but never (make copies of himself) duplicated, duplicated, duplicated -- Genie of the Lamp!

All: Ooo

Random Crew Member: Why are you here?

Genie: I'm here to fill and plotholes and make random jokes.

Authoress appears in a cloud of green smoke. Everyone stares at her.

Authoress: What? You've never seen someone make a dramatic entrance before?

Genie: I haven't seen you in a few MST-ing sessions! Slap me some skin. (They slap hands in an intricate pattern that includes shaking hands, disappearing, and a form of the robot) You look so cute and plushy.

Authoress: I know. Anyhoo. Glad you're here. I think we're gonna need you in the next chapter or so.

Genie: Well let's get this party started!

Authoress waves her hand. A huge, gooey, warm, chocolate-chip cookie appears in her hand.

Authoress: Yay! On to the first spontaneous musical number! (Does the Dr. Evil pinkie thing)


Hope you liked the random-ness. Please review. If you liked it: good there's another chapter coming later. If you kinda liked it but not really: it gets better, I swear. If you hated it: Please don't flame me. Thanks for reading!