Of course there wasn't a goodbye hug or a goodbye kiss, it would have been strangely out of character for me to freely wrap my arms around your neck and hold on tightly as if you would pick me up off my feet and whisper how much you loved me into my ear.
I wasn't a young naive teenage girl holding on to hopes of an ideal romance because I was never big on love songs and I never believed in fairytales.
I really, really, didn't expect a drastic change or for a miracle to happen because I knew that all along that it wasn't in the cards for us. Maybe in another life we would be a different kind of partners but as we go our separate ways I know that you were my other half.
I don't know if I was in love with you because I always just knew that I loved you.
For every time my eyes drank in your overpowering and domineering stature there was a time when you terrified me solely with the intense glare of your eyes. You would bark and I would bite, sometimes I think we would argue just because we knew we were the only ones who got it and then could heal each others wounds.
Towards the end it was rocky but then again it wasn't as if we were the type of co-worker's that had casual Fridays, barbeques and Secret Santa around the office. You rubbed my back when I threw up at the very sight of horror entailed in our job during my first year in the unit. You were overly protective over me and often came across a smug jealous and hot headed asshole but I needed that.
At first I thought of us as a dynamic duo, two people with an unspoken chemistry and connection that was unexplainable. Sure we can't destroy the connection that was built over years of blood, sweat and tears (literally) but we also can't build a foundation for a relationship that never properly blossomed. Given our circumstances I think we gave it all we knew how to give.
I watched you get into your car and I didn't feel anger towards you for leaving because I saw and experienced first hand how damaging our daily surroundings were to the human soul but it didn't make this any easier.
I could have fucking swore that you were going to kiss me, I have never been a dreamer- well maybe a few times when my sexual frustration and complete and utter loneliness got the best of me in another state where my bed wasn't my own. However I never fantasized a life of romance. Especially not with you, romance wasn't us, it never was and it probably never would be. The night you left I actually felt you looking at me, all of me, and if you would have leaned in a few more inches and kept your hand on my knee a little bit longer I would have done something. Well maybe not but it was the most progress we have had in years which says a lot.
We would never hold hands, we would never spoon in bed and we have never fucked. Secretly the one regret I had was that we never touched each other, not even once on a drunken night but even those came rare and few. Despite how promiscuous and sexually immature of me it was to wish I could rewind time and stick my hands down your pants in some sort of hopes that I was confirming what I always knew but it was the truth. I let men touch me who I didn't have the slightest interest in but then again you were the one who comforted my fill in with a kiss and god knows what else while I was gone. Maybe I deserved it but I think its safe to say that all this time we had been trying to fill a void that only the other could fill with...well, fill in's.
Every time someone was inside of me, in any context of it I would think of you and I hated it. When I was angered by our lack of communication or constant arguing I would think of you when I took it out on whoever it was that I had invited up to my place. When I reached over into my nightstand to grab a condom I would think about you going back to your wife and how condoms were probably never on your shopping list. However on rare occasions I would imagine how it would feel to have you deep inside of me and how our skill of reading each others thoughts would come in handy through sporadic bursts of insane pleasure. Maybe we worked together with an uncanny sense of synchronization and could read each others thoughts over the years but what if sexually we didn't share the same connection?
Even though I highly doubted that if you ever did lay a finger on me it would be anything less than absolute ecstasy- I knew our ship had sailed. After days and nights spent with each other, after being able to smell you on my clothes without ever having our bodies touch once I wonder how was it possible for us to just leave this with a wave and a nod.
I didn't expect for you to confess to me that you loved me and I knew you didn't expect me to run into your arms instead of running the other way but it doesn't mean that I didn't want to.
It wasn't always angst and drama between us, we did laugh, we did flirt and whether or not either one of us ever mentioned it we were attracted to each other to the point where I knew that we avoided each other when it became too much. I saw the way you would look at my body just like the way I would look down at your lips when we talked really close when it was just you and me in the room. But then again, it always felt like we were the only ones in the room, as if we were in our own little world, we always managed to find a way back to each other and I hope this time is no different.
While you are gone I am going to find myself but you know what? For so long I was always a piece of you as you were to me. We weren't just partners and we definitely weren't friends- what we had doesn't need a title because we both know what it was.
Maybe without you here I can find out aspects of myself I was too scared of revealing. Maybe one day if we unite again we will be stronger because of our separation.
I truly do want the best for you even if that means accepting an offer to be a Captain in Washington. All I'm asking for is that you remember me, the way I am going to remember you.
After going for drinks without a single mention of moving or our careers you got into your car and I got into mine. I knew that you were watching me walk away. You waved and I nodded while smiling as best as I could. " I'll see you soon," was the last thing I heard you say and I knew that you only said it to make this all easier, to lighten the blow or cushion the fall but I didn't want to say goodbye to your face, there was no way I could do that. You make me want to be a better woman and I just wish I would have told you that because you were my greatest friend.