Blue. There are so many different shades of blue. Just watch the sea and sky meet; you'd say they're both blue, neither one is truly blue.
You could really almost call the sea green and the sky grey -- if it weren't for the blue.
I'm thinking of colors, feeling the breeze of home, standing on the island that I once truly desired to leave behind. I'd only wanted to take those things truly precious to me; Sora and Kairi.
So things have changed. I've changed. I've been through the darkness, blah, blah... Sora would tell me to quit brooding and just enjoy the fact that I'm back. Little twit. Always so forgiving.
But despite the change, here I am, back in the... well, I guess the normal. I'm a few grades behind - after all, I did spend a few years betraying people, repenting, battling, and all that fantastic stuff. And sometimes, when I zone out looking at a text book, I can't help but think to myself,
'Weird. This is so strange. After everything, I still have to learn how to integrate a function.'
It makes me chuckle, but it makes me sad. Kingdom Hearts is irreversible, and I'm absolutely struggling with the change.
And between the growing up (inside and out... I'm a good head taller than Sora. Ha. I win.) and introspection, I found that I had a mild to major problem.
Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him.
There wasn't any cheesy moment where I longed to see his cerulean pools shining with the depths of love with the sparkles of fantasy fairy land or any such crap. It was probably the fact that I became obsessed with him after I thought he abandoned me.
Actually it was way before that, but I was oblivious and probably confused. I was jealous of Sora, and of Sora and Kairi's relationship, but being fifteen, arrogant, and emotionally retarded, I didn't exactly realize what was going on.
But when the door to Kingdom Hearts shut on me, I knew. I knew I'd fallen in love somewhere between the dark obsession and the desperation to repent.
I also knew I was pretty much screwed. So I told him.
"Take care of her."
He already knew to do that; we'd spent the better part of a year fighting for her heartless body... And get this, after years of winning everything, I lost her, lost her to him.
But really, it was and is pretty much the other way around... I lost him to her.
I shake my head roughly. What am I doing here, moping like a love sick twelve year old. Next I'll be writing angsty poetry in a journal labelled: PRIVATE DO NOT OPEN RIKU'S JOURNAL! Pft.
Well, so it doesn't say that and I don't write poetry, but I do have one. A journal, I mean. And so what if I do keep a journal? Gotta stay sane somehow. Sometimes the memories can get to be too much, and who really wants Sora poking you constantly, prodding about what's wrong, jumping you at random times and yelling "Oh no, attack of the Moping Riku!" in your ear at least four times a day.
Not that I would mind him jumping me.
Hey. A guy can dream.
Oh, and that was a weird experience, let me tell you. Figuring out I was pretty much as straight as an exponential function. (Shut up, I have a math test tomorrow. It's a good analogy!)
So there I was, lost in the darkness, thinking of Sora pretty much the entire time... And I start having these little dreams. They started out just being of us on the island, the way things used to be, but then things took a turn for the slightly more sensual.
A classic example: we'd be wrestling over something stupid one minute... And the next we'd be in a warped version of my room making out and doing things. And then came the actual sex dream.
I have to say I was a bit weirded out by having dream-sex with my best friend. Male friend, that is. And at first I was a little disturbed by my "Sora Dreams," but then I just had to face the music.
Hi, my name is Riku, and I'm very much gay. Also, I'm in love with my straight best friend, who is in love with my other best friend, who is female.
Sometimes I think it would be hilarious if Kairi were in love with me. You know, just to complete the circle. Heh.
Speaking of Kairi, I think she's starting to sniff around my emotional wall a bit. She's not as emotionally... undeveloped as Sora, and she probably has sensed the tension that comes up between us.
GAH! Sneaky little lady.
I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not jump like a pansy when she all but yelled in my ear.
I gave her a soft smile, despite my slight irritation. It's still usually good to see her.
"Hey Kairi, what's up?"
She plops herself down at the base of the Paupu tree, stretching out and smiling up at me. And if I weren't sure this was Kairi, I'd say she was smiling like a fat cat smiles at someone with a bowl of cream.
"Nothing really... I just wanted to chat with you a bit. It's about Sora."
Oh. Well, crap. Probably anyway... I mean I don't know what she has to say yet. I feel my heart speed up despite myself. Stupid reactions.
"Really? What about him? Did he get himself caught by the belts on the big tree trying to jump from his window again?"
I smirked at the memory. Sora apparently thought he could still glide, and so when he saw Kairi and I coming down the road, well, he jumped out of his second story window. And somehow caught one of his twelve million belts on the branches of the tree in front of his house.
She laughs, shaking her head before saying,
"No, nothing like that. It's just... I've been noticing lately that you guys seem a little... I dunno, weird around each other." She frowns. "It's almost like there's an elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about."
I sigh. That elephant she's referring to is the fact that sometimes I catch myself staring at Sora... And thinking... things, about him. (Can you blame me?) Then there's a good, long moment of me ignoring him while I try to shake off those thoughts...
I could probably tell her about my little issue, but I'm still pretty sure that she's in love with the ditz just as I am. So I give her a little nod.
"I know what you mean... but I think it's just both of us trying to readjust to being back, you know? I mean, it's a pretty major change." Liar.
She looks at me from the corners of her eyes, something she always does when she doubts what someone else is saying.
"True enough. But I feel like something has changed between you guys. Like your relationship. And it seems like neither of you want to say anything..." A small pause. "Actually I think Sora is just clueless." She looks at me. "I think it's something up with you. Something you don't want to say."
Hm. I think it's safe to say it now: Crap.
"Before you jump to conclusions about anything, I just want you to know that you can talk to me. If you can't tell Sora, I know you're probably not going to tell me, but you can tell us anything, you know? I'm just worried about you. If you're being weird around Sora then that means you don't feel okay here, and that means that you might try to leave and then everything will all-"
She's gone wide-eyed and I've tuned out her ramblings because they will probably hurt my feelings. (Keh. So not the expression I want to use, but give me a break, I have someone hysterical on my hands.)
"Kairi!" I'm kneeling down next to her, gently shaking her shoulders. She shakes her head a bit, teary eyed, and looks at me.
"I don't want to lose you both again. Wherever you go, he's going to follow you. Please don't leave!"
I pull her into a semi-awkward hug.
"I'll never leave you guys again. I swear it."
She pulls away slightly and wipes her eyes. I silently thank her for not snotting all over my new jacket. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl (sister), but still... It's new.
"I know. I'm sorry. I've just been thinking about this a lot lately."
I chuckle slightly.
She smiles that lovely smile.
"And it's made me kind of upset. I want you to trust us, tell us when something is really bothering you... "
I sit down and face the ocean again, thinking about the pros and cons of actually letting Kairi know about all the shenanigans running through my head.
And damn, I thought I was doing a good job hiding my brooding Sora-related thoughts. Especially around him. But I guess not.
"Riku, please tell me what's going on."
She's not begging, and there isn't any nagging or pity in her voice. She's just worried.
I sigh, probably in a dramatic way, and look at my hands. Time to dive.
"Kairi... How do you tell your best friend that you're in love with them? Is it even okay to do that?"
I can feel her eyes on me. I don't say anything else, because I don't think I can breathe.
"Are you afraid that you and Sora won't be friends because of me?"
She doesn't get it. Well, I wasn't all that clear either, was I? Shut up.
"Not... not in the way that your thinking. And not that we won't be friends. Just.. never mind. It's complicated."
"You're not in love with me then, are you?"
Wow. What a question. One of those questions that makes you step back and absorb the fact that this is life and not some movie or something that someone else is living.
"No. I'm not."
"Then... I don't under... Wait! Are you... do you like... ?"
Her faces scrunches up in confusion and then realization and I look calmly back out to sea. Inside I feel like a chicken with it's head cut right the fuck off.
I can feel my face turning red. Did I mention I am not a fan of natural reactions?
"You are! You're in love with Sora! Wow. Oh my God. Oh my - wow. Shit."
At her swear I immediately raise my eyebrows and look at her. Since when does Kairi swear? Since never, that's when.
I figured I should probably say something. She is sitting there like she's been hit by a truck.
Worse, I'm instantly reminded of how she looked with no heart, with dead eyes... horrible. But then she says something.
"I mean, it's not so strange, is it?" she says. She looks at me, and our eyes meet. She continues, "After everything we've been through, I'd say it's practically normal."
We both chuckle, and I feel so ridiculously relieved now that someone else knows this. It's not weighing me down anymore, and I rather like that.
"Well I think you should tell him."
I was in the middle of standing up, and now I'm falling face-first to the ground.
"You're insane! That is the worst idea I've ever heard. No. No! Terrible. What would he say? How awkward would that be!"
I'm freaking out, and I know it. I don't remember the last time I freaked out openly. I never freak out. Why am I freaking out?
"...Sorry." I mutter, seating myself properly. "It's just, I don't think he'd understand. You know how he is."
"Riku, I think you're being stupid. I mean, Sora isn't the most perceptive guy, but I think he'd understand, and I don't think it would change anything between you guys."
I can tell she's trying to be comforting, trying to get it out in the open to make things right between all of us again. But...
"That's just it Kairi. Nothing will change between us. It never will. He's never going to love me back." I breathe deeply. Might as well keep spilling my guts now that I've started. "I don't even really understand how he's still my friend. After everything, I mean." I close my eyes, squeezing them hard once before I continue. "I hid in the darkness for so long... How could I possibly be forgiven? I let my jealousy consume me, and I forgot how much I loved him. Every time I think about it, it just makes me sick, makes me wonder if I'm still capable of that."
There is a small pause after I release my dark thoughts. In that, I realise how good it feels to let this out. I can feel her eyes on me again, but I can't bring myself to meet them.
"You gave yourself up for him, Riku. Look at what you became, all for him. You traded your body, for goodness sake!" she punctuates this by throwing her arms up in exasperation. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, opening my mouth to retort- "And don't try to say it was for both of us, because I was safe, and I know you were obsessed with seeing him safe too. So how could he not see that you care? And... Sora will always be there. For both of us. His heart is too big to let either of us go."
A smirk. "Sometimes I wonder if he's crazy. He'd have to be to still want to be friends with me."
"He'd have to be crazy to let you go."
"Listen, Riku. Just, listen to me." She takes a minute to gather her thoughts before she continued, "The three of us, we've always been inseparable. We're all connected, we... we just are. There is a strength between us that has always kept us together, no matter how far away we were..." She is looking at me harder now, her voice softening, "Or how hard we tried to hide."
I look at her, eyes thankfully hidden by my obscenely long hair. I don't know what I did to deserve people who care so much.
"I know what you're thinking, so stop it. I love you both so much, and it kills me to see you hurting like this because you can't forgive yourself. I hate that you force yourself to feel unworthy to be loved."
I can't look at her anymore. She's too honest, too innocent.
"You know, Riku, when you guys were gone, after I could remember Sora again I thought about how eventually we might not be a trio anymore. I made a picture in my head of an equilateral triangle slowly morphing as two of the corners became closer and closer, simultaneously distancing themselves from the third. I didn't know how it would happen, and..." Here I do look at her, the pause is so long. She is turning the color of a tomato. "I even thought, sometimes, about what it would be like if we were all together forever. In... that kind of way. Because it was always inevitable that we'd all be intertwined. I just wondered..."
Well. I was surprised. I'll say that much. Damn surprised.
"I have to admit I never thought of that. And, sorry... but I really am not straight at all. So it wouldn't happen."
Well what else could I have said?
She shakes her head, smiling slightly.
"I never really thought it would. But... I think that he cares more than you think he does." She crawls around to sit in front of me, and practically forces me to look into her eyes. "What I'm about to tell you is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. If you laugh, something really, really bad will happen to you."
I stifle a laugh - she looks really funny when she's trying to be serioues - because I don't want to upset her.
She breathes out heavily, too much so to be a sigh... more like a gust of breath.
"The other day, Sora was at my house, and I was tutoring him for some history or something, I don't remember. Anyway, he jumped up, all excited about being almost finished, and turned to run to the bathroom... and of course, he tripped. Well, he landed on top of me, and however it happened, our lips banged together. So, well, he's looking at me dumbfounded, and I just... I grabbed his face and practically shoved my mouth onto his... And he scrambled off me like I was fire!
"He stood up, looked around, blushed like mad, and just said 'Um... I'm gonna go,' then ran out of my house. Ten minutes later he runs back in, and tells me he's sorry but I'm like his sister and rambles something about how he used to think he loved me but now he's not sure and then we have this weird conversation but I'm still so embarrassed-"
Yikes. Hysterical rambling again.
"Kairi! Kairi it's okay. Have you guys talked about this any?"
She visibly relaxes.
"Well, not after that strange conversation when he came back in my room. But it hasn't really been that big of a deal since. I guess he just thinks that it's resolved... though sometimes I still get really embarrassed."
"Well duh. And that pretty much sucks by the way." I say, putting a consoling hand on her shoulder. She nods and giggles for a moment. I smile, but the expression dies when I remember what else I needed to say. "So, tell me, how do you think it would be any different for me? I'd just be rejected as well, and... I don't think I can handle that right now."
She looks at me like I've missed the point entirely. Which, I guess, I have. She sighs deeply.
"What I was really trying to say is that Sora isn't going to read that much into it. That he'll still be your friend no matter how you feel. But also... I think you might have more of a chance."
She blushes again, and looks down. I look at her quizzically.
"What I mean is that you don't hear how he talks about you. Whenever I tutor him, he always gets distracted-" Typical. "-and then he'll ramble on and on about 'what Riku and I did' and 'do you think Riku's okay?' and 'man I wish I were on the island with Riku...' If you were a girl, I would have thought he had a crush on you a long time ago."
I snort. Yeah. Of course. Except there's that whole part where I'm a boy.
"But now that I know about how you feel, I'm practically convinced he feels the same."
I'm dumbfounded again.
"Well he talks about you like he has a crush on you and... I know it sounds kind of silly... But I kind of think it's destiny. Two of us have to end up together, you know?"
"Kairi, that's... sort of retarded."
She smiles sheepishly.
"I know. But... it's at least worth a shot at happiness isn't it?"
Shit. Is it? Maybe... What if he does care?
"Riku, I'm gonna go. I think I'm talked out... plus I have to study for our math test tomorrow."
Ah, damn. Math among everything else.
"Yeah, I'm just gonna stay out here and... think. For a while."
We exchange smiles and I stand and help her up. She gives me a small hug.
"Thanks, Kairi. For understanding."
She pulls out.
"You're welcome." And with a smile and a wave, she's off.
And I have no idea how I'm going to do this.
A/N: This is the edited version... Because I accidentally posted the raw material earlier. Thppppt -- iz dumb. Anyway, this is one of a few parts, not sure how many yet, and should be updated within the next week or so. I'd like to hear some feedback on characterizations, etc... I kind of like sarcastic!Riku and goodfriend!Kairi, and semi-ditz!Sora will make an appearance as well. Also, how's the writing style? Does my grammar suck? Please let me know via review!
Edit: 5/20/08 - Fixed some things that have been bothering me as well as a few typos.