Sordid Secrets

Chapter 5: Telling All

The entire night, I didn't sleep a wink. I was so scared of Raphael finding out my secret that I simply could not relax and fall asleep. I absolutely did not want to come out of my room – not for food, not to see anyone, not for any reason. Mostly, I wanted to curl up and die. About halfway through the afternoon, I heard a knock at my door; I wanted to tell whoever was knocking to go to hell, but I knew they'd come in either way; I know how my brothers can be.

"Who is it?", I asked, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"It's Raph. Can I come in?"

Oh shit – he must know now. Did Leo tell him everything, or did he figure it out? Why the hell was this happening?! I swallowed hard and felt suddenly nauseous. "…yeah, sure."

Raph came in and closed the door behind him, and he was wearing an expression that seemed totally wrong for him. He looked, somehow, compassionate. This was surprising when I saw it with Leo, but I think I felt my eyes bleed seeing Raphael with this face. I didn't quite know what to think, and I couldn't tell if he knew the awful secret I'd been hiding.

"You feelin' okay, Donny?"

"Umm…yeah, I'm okay. Why?", I asked hesitantly.

"Leo said you were feeling kinda down, and I just was making sure you were okay. Anything I can do?"

Oh Raph, if you only knew how badly you were crushing my heart. "…n-no. I'll be okay. I was just in a slump, that's all."

"Any reason why?", he pried.

I looked away, chagrined. "Yes…but, I don't want to talk about it."

Raph got a bit irate over this. "Oh, so you can't talk to your own brother now? And what's so damn special about Leo that you can tell him and not the rest of us?"

He continued on his diatribe about how I shouldn't have to keep secrets from everyone. I couldn't bear to look at him – this was just rubbing salt in the wound. I closed my eyes as tight as possible, the tears that poured forth from my eyes were heavy as gold and felt like hot coals against my skin. I dug my fingers into my blanket and grasped as hard as I could to prevent from having a complete breakdown in front of the one I loved. At some point, Raph stopped his bitching – I think he saw that I was becoming extremely upset.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Donny. I guess I'm still mad about Leo for arguing with me last night. Just…don't mind me right now. I guess part of me is nosy, but the other part of me is just concerned about you."

I choked and replied without looking up. "It's okay."

Suddenly, I felt a gentle hand under my chin. Raph tilted my head up to see my face - a gesture I never thought I'd live to see Raph perform. My eyes were red and puffy from crying, my mask was damp, and my face was probably twisted up in a frown. Raph looked genuinely worried.

"Donny, I've never seen you cry, so don't tell me it's all okay. I know something's wrong if it's hurting you enough to make you cry."

I closed my eyes and looked away. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and I was reaching a point where my sadness and my fear were inhibiting my ability to speak. "Raph…please believe me when I say that I just can't talk about this."

"Well then why could you talk to Leo about it? It's about me, isn't it?"

After that, I didn't need to say anything – my unnerved expression gave Raph his answer. "Alright, Donny...if this is about me, I want to know. Are you mad at me for somethin'?"

I sniffled. "No, I'm not upset at you."

"Then what is it, Donny??", he continued to press, irritated that I was keeping information from him.

By this point, I was practically hysterical. I knew he wouldn't leave me alone unless I told him; my heart was breaking as I pretty much prepared myself to lose my brother's friendship. "You have no idea how hard this is for me to say."

Raph sat before me, fully attentive and fully impatient. "Just tell me."

This was, by far, the most agonizing and frightening thing I've ever had to do in my life. Ninja training couldn't compete with the distress, the heartache and the terror I felt at that moment. I managed to look up at my brother, tears still running down my face. I was a wreck, but I had to tell him – it was too late to go back now.

"I…I don't know how to tell you this, Raph. But…I…I love you."

Raphael cocked his eyebrow. "That's the big secret? I love you too, man. You're my brother!"

I wiped my tears away; clearly, he didn't understand. "No, Raph…what I mean is...I love you as more than a friend or a brother."

There – my secret was no longer a secret. Raphael had an expression that seemed a jumble of so many emotions – horror, surprise, confusion, and most likely disgust. I couldn't look him in the eyes any longer – I felt too ashamed. I just admitted to my own brother that I was attracted to him, and I felt lower than shit.

"You mean…you're in love with me?", he asked, his voice full of uneasiness.

This was a pain and a despair I could not deal with. I hastily got up from my bed. "I need to get out of here", I managed to choke before making a dash to my door, completely embarrassed and afraid.

"No, Donny – wait!", Raphael called after me.

I stopped and Raph came over to me and stepped in front of me. He knelt down in front of me so he could see my face while my head was slumped and he held me by my arms. "Donny, why didn't you tell me sooner?" He was neither angry nor doleful - he sounded more concerned than anything.

I broke roughly out of his grasp and backed away; at this point, I was screaming and crying hysterically. "Are you fuckin' kidding me, Raph? Do you realize how difficult it was to even admit to myself that I was in love with my own brother?! Do you realize how fuckin' ashamed I feel?"

The pain I felt coursing through me was unbearable, and I simply collapsed to my knees and sobbed; I felt like a sick, ugly deviant and that heartache that was once isolated to just my chest had spread all over my body. Raphael came up behind me and did something I never thought he'd do – he hugged me. And, for a gesture coming from Raphael, it was a very warm embrace, and he spoke rather softly to me. "I had no idea you felt that way, Donny." His voice was still coarse as usual, but had some hint of empathy in it, which was unexpected.

"Y-you mean you aren't mad at me?", I asked timidly through bouts of tears.

"Why would I be mad?", he asked.

"So you aren't grossed out knowing your brother loves you?", I asked curiously.

"If I didn't love you back, I would've been."

My eyes must have engulfed my whole face – did Raph just say he loved me? I had to have been dreaming, right? The turtle I loved shared my feelings this whole time? This seemed too damn good to be true.

"You…love me back?"

Raph held me and looked me right in the eye - I knew whatever he had to sya was going to be serious. "Yeah – I mean, I've always kinda admired you. You always think stuff through instead of just puttin' yourself right in danger like I do. And you're so smart – it amazes me. And I've always kind of been attracted to your submissiveness – you seem so shy. It's really cute."

My mouth was hanging open by now. I never would have guessed that Raph – the arrogant hard-ass – was not only gay, but would want anything to do with a coy computer nerd. He proceeded to brush away my tears and then looked intently into my eyes, as if he was looking for something. I'd never gotten that close to his face, but I noticed he had very beautiful eyes - they were eyes that didn't seem to be filled with rage like the rest of him. And he smiled – a rare thing for him. I felt myself blushing and my brother proceeded to run his hands up and down the back of my shell. I felt those butterflies again, but for the first time, they felt good. And in one quick, fluid motion, Raphael pulled me into a very passionate kiss. He held me close and tight, and my heart beat crazily within me. This happened to be two things I never thought I'd live to feel – a kiss, and the one I love kissing me.

Without parting our lips, he pushed me onto the floor and straddled my hips. I guess he was right about me being submissive, and his kisses grew even more fervent. It was quite evident that Raphael had wanted this for a long time. It might have been the most painful thing in the world to tell him the truth, but it paid off when I was able to feel the greatest pleasure in the world in return. I said nothing as I wrapped my arms around my brother and held him to me. He was now mine.


Author's Note: Awww, how cyyyyuttte - they're in wuv. And yes, I realize Raphael is way OOC in this chapter. Thanks for reading, everyone; I hope you enjoyed the story. Also, I will be posting a sort of sequel to this very soon - bits and pieces of this story told from the perspective of another character.