Oneshot. Kind of Haruhi/Everyone but it's Haruhi Tamaki in the end.
What had only started out as an innocent question was soon cause for the entire host club to panic. A naïve customer had wondered aloud;
"I wonder which host is the best kisser." Which has immediately been followed by a debate of 'do the twins kiss differently?'
"Of COURSE I'm a better kisser." They both said together. "No me!"
"Boys don't fight." Haruhi said exasperatedly, standing between them.
"I'd bet Kyoya's a better kisser than either of them though." Mused another girl. "He's got that strong jaw…" Kyoya shot them a dashing smirk and Haruhi suspected he was planning on having her expelled when nobody was looking.
"Mori does too." Her friend said.
"But I bet Tamaki would give them all a run for their money, he's so princely and romantic!" Squeaked a girl.
"What about me?" Pouted Honey. The girls immediately fussed over him.
"Of course you're a good kisser! I mean I'm sure you are!" They simpered. Haruhi quickly jumped in before discussion could turn to her kissing skills.
"Ladies I'm sure all the hosts are good kissers, pitting them against each other would be pointless." She said calmly.
"Pointless my eye! I'm a better kisser than those two!" Tamaki snapped glaring at the twins.
"In your dreams lord!" They chanted.
"There's only one way to settle it!" Said an overly high pitched voice. Tamaki hid behind Kyoya and the twins hid behind Haruhi, Mori put his hand protectively on Honey's head, for Renge had appeared in the room, courtesy of a high powered motor. "A contest!" She nodded. Haruhi sweat dropped, this was going to be one of those days.
"Contest?" Hikaru asked raising an eyebrow.
"Competition's my middle name!" Kaoru yelled raising his hand
"No it's not it's Clarence." Hikaru said, making up a middle name for his brother he'd heard in a book once.
"Shut up!" Kaoru said as several of the girls laughed at him.
"The only solution is one person kisses all the hosts then tells us who's the best!" Renge thumped the air. "LET THE COMPETITON BEGIN!"
"No way." Haruhi said bluntly, and went to make coffee in the next room.
"Ne, but the girls all have their favourites." Honey said sadly. "We couldn't get an unbias opinion."
"Who said it had to be a girl?" Renge smirked as the customers all went severely MOE on them.
"But some of us aren't into other boys." Honey said innocently, deliberately not specifying which ones in order to fuel the girl's fire.
"It would be good business." Mused Kyoya beginning to do some addition. "It's also interesting, how nobody mentioned Haruhi… perhaps he could…"
"Nobody is kissing Haruhi!" Tamaki said crossing his arms as Haruhi walked back into the room carrying a tray of coffees. She handed them out to the starry eyed girls.
"Oh please Haruhi!" Begged a customer. "Be the judge for us!"
"Yes PLEASE Haruhi!" Another one said, getting onto her knees.
"He doesn't have a choice." Kyoya said calmly.
"Oh yes I do, Senpai I refuse to kiss you guys!" Haruhi crossed her arms.
"I'm with Haruhi on this." Tamaki gripped her shoulders supporting her.
"I'll knock twelve percent off your debt." Kyoya whispered in her ear, smirking. He knew the money would be more than made up in merchandise they managed to sell the customers. Haruhi looked severely tempted. She bit her lip.
"You'll get mad if I pick the wrong one though! You guys are my friends it's not right to be kissing you!" She tried to reason.
"We won't get angry!" Promised the twins, eager at the thought of kissing Haruhi.
"I will not allow it!" Tamaki snapped.
"Senpai don't decide things for me. Renge what're the rules?" She asked reluctantly, several girls squealed as Renge (who had miraculously set up a microphone, stage and spotlights during all this indecision) laughed maniacally.
"There ARE no rules, you let each host kiss you, anyway they want, it can be as sweet and timid, or as hot and passionate as they like, and it only ends when THEY stop it!" She said. At the word passionate the lights dimmed slightly, Haruhi wondered how Renge had wired the room so quickly.
"Disqualification for groping?" She begged seeing the twins giving her the evil eyes.
"Of course, instant disqualification! Once you have kissed each host you will write a score out of ten below their name on THIS sheet, you will also add or remove up to five overall bonus points based on the categories of 'Romance' 'Lust' and 'Swooning Capability'!" Renge showed a sheet. "Nobody except you can see the sheet until the game is over!"
"Fine." Haruhi sighed. Hikaru and Kaoru high-fived. Mori and Honey helped Renge turn the seating arrangements into an arch so everyone could see the stage.
"You can't be serious! You'll let these monsters take advantage of you for profit?" Tamaki demanded.
"It's just kissing senpai." Haruhi said, trying to convince herself it was no big deal. Honestly she'd only ever had one kiss before (with a girl) and the thought of kissing each of her best friends made her nervous.
"We'll go in last name alphabetical order." Renge said. "So as not to show favouritism… also so the twins can go one after the other!" (Honey, Hikaru, Kaoru, Mori, Kyoya, Tamaki, that order btw) The girls all giggled and gossiped as they gathered round for a show of what promised to be hot boy-on-boy kissing… except, Haruhi was secretly a female. Let's not tell them that, it may break the MOE!
"Let's just get this over with." Haruhi said.
"Do not make me hit you to make you more enthusiastic mister!" Renge berated wiggling the microphone threateningly at Haruhi, who just blinked bewilderedly. "Mitsukuni Haninozuka… Honey you're up first." She beckoned the blond.
"Okay." Honey made several attempts to climb onto the stage, before Mori lifted him up by the scruff of the collar and deposited him on the stage like one may do a small kitten. The spotlight followed him to Haruhi, who vaguely wondered who was manning it, before spotting a remote in Renge's hand. Rich bitch. Haruhi had to bend so she was at the same height as Honey, naturally a head shorter than her.
As they leaned in, and their noses touched both started to giggle uncontrollably. It started with a small snicker from Honey, which Haruhi found contagious and soon the two fell about laughing. It took them nearly a minute to compose themselves enough to kiss. She hadn't really expected anything else from Honey, he was soft, and tasted chocolaty. He kept his hands clasped behind his back the entire time, and Haruhi could be easily fooled into believing he was as young as he looked. He was chaste and sweet, and all-over Honey. He pulled away and they both continued giggling.
"Was I okay Haru-chan?" He asked, looking a little worried.
"Yes, you were fine." She ruffled his hair and went over to Renge who thrust a piece of paper under her nose. As the younger blond was accosted by an irate Tamaki, she put a '7' under his name, with 2 bonus points one for romance and one for swooning, because although she didn't find the kiss breathtaking she knew the otaku's would due to his purity. She folded the paper so Renge could not see.
"Hikaru!" Ordered Renge, snapping her fingers. One of the orange haired twins hurried onto the stage and leaned in to kiss Haruhi, who promptly smacked him, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough to stop him kissing her.
"Kaoru, wait your turn!" She ordered. Kaoru pulled a face as several fan girls gasped. "You forget I can tell you apart." Kaoru slumped off stage, quickly switching with his brother.
"No funny stuff." She warned Hikaru, pulling away as he leaned in.
"I mean it Hikaru!" She added as he leaned in again, turning her head.
"Stay still." He said, pinning her face between his hands he brought his lips to hers. Haruhi squeaked as, though she expected it, no sooner were they engaged in the kiss then Hikaru's tongue slipped into her mouth.
"He whimpered!" A girl squealed. Hikaru's hand snaked behind her neck pulling her closer. Haruhi wasn't entirely sure how to respond but allowed her tongue to flick against Hikaru's. He pulled back, and didn't wait for a response, before strutting off the stage. Haruhi blinked several times before writing '6' on her piece of paper, with 2 extra points for passion and 1 swooning. There had been nothing romantic about that kiss, her mouth felt somewhat violated and bruised. She made her way back to centre stage to find Kaoru waiting there already.
"Now, the ultimate question, are the twins equal kissers?" Renge whispered into the microphone. Kaoru's hand slipped up and cupped one of her cheeks, he leaned in and kissed her. Not quite as forceful as his twin brother his hesitation to slip his tongue into her mouth definitely lost him passion points but his gentle behaviour earned him romance and swooning points. His thumb stroked the cheek facing the audience, causing a few of the girls to faint as he retracted. He whispered.
"How was that?" Haruhi said nothing, but disappeared to write under his name. He got a 7 for kissing and one point for romance, one for swooning. She sighed realising all three came to 9 out of 15, it was hard to choose, though so far she had slightly preferred Kaoru if only for his mannerisms.
"Takashi Morinozuka!" Renge ordered, tending to several of the girls who had fainted. Mori hesitated before whispering to Renge, reluctant to talk to her at all.
"We can touch?"
"Yes. But… you might cause nosebleeds," She squeaked. Mori shrugged then went to the centre of the stage to meet Haruhi. She nodded at him to tell him to go ahead. Without a word, Mori bent down and swung Haruhi into his arms. She gasped and clung to his neck as he picked her up bridal style. Before she had time to catch her breath his lips had met hers. She'd heard of breathtaking before but this really was… it was like something out of a romance movie. Her hands automatically laced into his hair and she responded gently to the kiss. His tongue flicked teasingly along her bottom lip and she was cautious about opening her mouth, she did so after a little pause. The twins whistled, Tamaki was tearing his hair out and Honey was clapping, several customers were screaming as Mori lowered her back to her feet. An audible
"Wow." Escaped Haruhi's lips as he let her go.
"Ah." Was all he said, completely devoid of emotion. She waited until he'd left before putting a '9' under his name, with 2 bonus points for romance, 1 for passion and 2 for swooning. That gave him a 14 out of 15. She found it hard to believe anyone would top that, and the devilish look in Kyoya's eyes lead her to believe he was up to something.
"Now let's see if the shadow king will be overshadowed by that dazzling display." Renge cheered as a lot of girls fussed over Mori. Honey was on his shoulders cheering 'Yay Takashi!'
"I don't like that look you're giving me." Haruhi said tentatively.
"It's merely business." Kyoya adjusted his glasses before darting in and pecking her quickly on the lips. "I'm shy." He said to the crowd, bowing and faking an embarrassed gaze, he then turned and left. Haruhi looked bewildered…what on earth was that? She marked him a 1 under his name, with 1 for romance, no other bonus points, sliding the folded paper into her breast pocket she wondered why he had not kissed her properly. She shook it off, seeing Tamaki offstage slip something into his mouth she gulped. He was next. Oh no. Her heart was going a mile a minute.
"Awwww, Kyoya is shy! Isn't that so sweet!" Renge purred. "Let's see how Tamaki, our last host holds up kissing his fledgling protégé!" She clapped wildly. Tamaki was forced onto the stage by the twins.
He stood in front of her, looking down his violet eyes appeared to gaze right through her. The silence stung like a knife.
"Tamaki! Kiss him already!" Renge snapped.
"Is this part of his strategy?" Asked a girl. Tamaki's hand slipped up cupping her neck slightly he leaned down and whispered in her ear.
"I don't like the thought of the others touching you like this." His breath tickled her earlobe and caused her eyes to flicker closed, his voice was soothing. Tamaki placed his lips to her cheek, then slid them gracefully down to her lips. One of his hands slid around her waist, pulling her body flush against his. Haruhi felt her heart pounding even faster, her cheeks began to turn pink, her breath seemed to catch in her chest. Actually… she didn't look so good. After a few seconds of the romantic kiss, Haruhi fell to the floor in a dead faint.
"WE HAVE A WINNER!" Screamed Renge.
"H… Haruhi!" Tamaki gasped, bending down to see to her. Her face was beet red and her breathing was harsh. "Call a doctor!"
"You actually made him FAINT Tamaki!" Squeaked several girls.
She blinked, re-familiarizing herself with her surroundings, she'd been out for nearly an hour.
"She's awake." Kyoya sang.
"Ne! Haru-chan was Tama-chan really that good a kisser!?" Asked Honey curiously as Kyoya handed her a drink of water and an aspirin.
"Baka!" She snapped, and thwacked the smirking Tamaki over the head. The twins snickered.
"Ouch! What was that for! Is that any way to treat the best kisser in the host club!" Tamaki rubbed the bump on his head. Kyoya smirked.
"I probably should have told you BEFORE you popped that breathmint Tamaki… Haruhi is allergic." Everyone sweat dropped.
"So THAT'S why you fainted?" Tamaki said looking slightly disappointed.
"You knew?" Honey said. He tapped Kyoya with Usa-chan. "What if it had been a serious reaction!"
"I've seen her medical records, it's never serious."
"WHY HAVE YOU SEEN MY MEDICAL RECORDS?" Haruhi demanded
"So who WAS the best kisser?" Probed Kaoru.
"Well… I didn't exactly rate Tamaki, I passed out before much happened." She said. "But the other results are… Umph!" She was cut off as Tamaki swooped down and placed his lips to hers. The mint long gone from his mouth she was in no danger of losing consciousness. This time both his arms wrapped around her slender waist, and he pulled her into a standing position without breaking the kiss. Because he was taller than her, this action had left her without stable footing, he hoisted her up so her legs wrapped around his hips, her arms slipped around his neck and the host club watched in amazement as a shocked Haruhi began to respond to the kiss.
"Those two can really go." Whispered Hikaru pointing at his watch. One hand was supporting Haruhi and his other was trailing her face, his fingers toying with her hair.
"Don't they need to breathe?" Kaoru asked as one of Haruhi's small hands clutched Tamaki's blazer.
"Go Tama-chan!" Honey said. That thought was the one that snapped Haruhi out of her trance. She pulled back but Tamaki didn't put her down.
"As I was saying." She said trying to keep her cool. "The scores are in my pocket. I have to add one, then I'll tell you. Senpai… the floor…"
"What about it?" He asked dazedly, his face was the colour of her father's hair, the intense red contrasted with his own white blond hair.
"I'd like to be on it." She mumbled.
"OH sorry!" He dropped her… and by 'dropped' I mean quite literally. She had entrusted her weight unto him so he had been holding her up, when he had let go she fell.
"Oi!" She grumbled rubbing her butt where she had fallen. "Moron." She stomped off to go write on the slip of paper before thrusting it at Kyoya.
"As expected, in last place… me. 2 points. One for the actual kiss, one for romance." He smirked.
"Yeah why didn't you kiss me properly?" Haruhi asked slightly cautiously. Kyoya shrugged.
"I personally didn't want to encourage the rumors already surrounding my sexuality." He pushed his glasses up on his nose and looked back at the paper.
"Interesting, a three-way tie between Hikaru Honey-senpai and Kaoru. Nine points a piece."
"Ayah we do NOT kiss the same."
"No, you got the same total but different points. Honey seven for your actual kiss, 2 for romance."
"Thank you Haru-chan!" He hugged her, nearly knocking her off her feet.
"You're welcome." She ruffled his hair. "Hikaru six for your kiss." Hikaru pulled a face. "Two bonus points for passion, and one for swooning."
"Not so bad I guess." He shrugged it off.
"It would have been higher but you bit my lip!" She scolded.
"Kiss seven." Kyoya said, nodding at Kaoru, who stuck his tongue out at his brother. "One for romance, one for swooning."
"No passion!" Said Hikaru, gloating over his brother.
"In no particular order, Mori-senpai has fourteen out of fifteen. Nine for the kiss, two romance, two swooning, one passion." Mori bowed slightly. "Tamaki, also fourteen out of fifteen. 10 for the kiss, all 5 bonus points… minus one for 'sheer tactlessness'"
"What! Where does it say that!" Tamaki snatched the paper from his bespectacled friend and scanned it
"Next time don't drop me." Haruhi huffed. Tamaki smirked, tossing the paper aside.
"Next time?" She didn't have time to respond before, for the third time that day Tamaki pulled her into a romantic kiss.
"GET A ROOM!" The twins chorused.
"Maybe we will." Tamaki said, breaking away from her, he picked her up, swung her onto his shoulder and carried her out of the room, in what he hoped was a romantic way.
"Ah, she has work left to do here!" Kyoya scolded.
"SENPAI PUT ME DOWN!" Objected Haruhi upon hearing Kyoya, she flailed a little. In the end Mori rescued her from Tamaki's grasp.
"B… but Haruhi!" Tamaki whined. "Come to me." He whimpered, following her around, now his arms wide open and a goofy 'love-love' smile on his face.
"Senpai, we can make out later. NOT during hosting hours." She snapped, as usual a workaholic.
"Moooooom! Haruhi's being mean." He wailed looking at Kyoya.
"You think SHE'S mean? Wait til you see what the twins did." He smirked.
The next day, the twins plan became apparent. All over the school were photographs of Tamaki and Haruhi kissing, littered occasionally with other host club kiss pictures.
"AYAH!" Haruhi squeaked. "How on earth…"
"Well it was weird we just like… found these cameras." Admitted Kaoru, as Tamaki strangled him mercilessly. In the corner, Kyoya smirked, his glasses flashing. Yes… it was definitely worth cutting Haruhi's debt.
A/n: In case you didn't get that Kyoya planted the cameras hehe. I was originally gonna have him kiss her properly then grope her and be disqualified, but that would be bad for the club's reputation so… Oh yeah in my last Ouran fic I just noticed my computer changed 'Mitsukuni' into 'Mitsukini' evil computer. Ignore it. Reviews rock my world!