Disclaimer: No, I don't own Naruto. Or InuYasha. I only came up with this silly, silly idea. And even then, it's probably not too original.
Authors Notes: This is a CRACKFIC, through and through. Honestly, the idea just struck me at some point. "Oh, hey, Sasuke needs to carry on his bloodline, and so does Miroku!" And then I wrote this in a matter of hours. Some of the characters may be OOC, but recognize that I don't care. That's where the whole crack part of... well... crack comes from.
For those of you unfamiliar with the InuYasha fandom, "houshi-sama" is the name Sango uses for Miroku. It's just a name someone would use to call a monk.
Uchiha Sasuke had a dilemma.
See, he originally thought that — after killing Itachi — this whole clan-restoring business would be easy. However, after the third time approaching Sakura about the idea, he reckoned he'd rather take on the psychopathic-clan-killing-genius than attempt to ask for her help with completing his second life goal.
Why Sakura? Well, she was the obvious choice, of course — out of all the kunoichi, she would be the least annoying. She was on his team, so at least he could work with her, and she was also the most likely to agree. Not to mention, she had gotten (kind of) pretty, (sort of) strong, and (sometimes) tolerable.
However, he couldn't seem to ask her.
He'd get to the "Sakura, I-" part of the conversation fine, with absolutely no trouble.
But then she'd look at him with those green eyes of hers, so wide and curious, and say, "What is it, Sasuke-kun?" in that inquisitive voice of hers.
And he'd freeze up, lose his nerve (though Uchiha Sasuke never lost his nerve), and turn away with a slight blush (though Uchiha Sasuke never blushed, either) and mutter, "Hn. Nothing." And the entire subject was dropped.
Oh, yes, he really needed help. Which is what found him at Naruto's apartment one bright Saturday morning, knocking on his door.
Naruto spent a good twenty minutes laughing, guffawing, chortling, what have you, when Sasuke explained his request to the blond.
"So let me get this straight," Naruto said, after Sasuke told him for the sixth time to shut up. He was still snickering. "You want me to help you ask Sakura-chan to help you… uhh… 'restore your clan'?"
Sasuke gave him an annoyed look. "Yes," he said irritably.
Naruto snickered again, and had to stuff his hand in his mouth to keep from doing anything more, because surely Sasuke was contemplating Katon-ing him into next Wednesday already, and he didn't need to worsen his sentence. Still, it wasn't ever day that Uchiha Sasuke asked for help, and Naruto was milking it for all it was worth.
Sasuke shot the blond a glare. "So can you help or can't you?" he demanded irritably.
"Relax, teme, of course I can," Naruto said, still fighting laughter. "Ero-sennin mentioned someone last week who'd be perfect to help you."
Sasuke looked a bit wary. He knew the infamous author of the Icha Icha books, after all, and he was rather afraid that Jiraiya would recommend some total pervert. But he'd already admitted that he did need the help.
"He's this monk-"
"Relax, teme, I'm getting to it. There's this monk who lives in this backwards old village. Ero-sennin says he's the master at asking women to… uhh… 'clan restore'."
As Naruto collapsed into more laughter, Sasuke thought. A monk. That wouldn't completely ruin his reputation. And if he really was a master….
"So tell me more about this monk," he said.
Tsunade looked at the report Sasuke was filing, and them up at the dark-haired nin waiting patiently in front of her desk.
"And you say this is for training?" the Hokage asked, staring at him intently.
"Umm… yes," Sasuke said, suddenly quite uncomfortable.
Tsunade fixed him with a piercing stare. "You haven't been talking with Jiraiya, have you?" she asked.
Suddenly, the temperature in the room jumped an uncomfortable ten degrees. Sasuke resisted the urge to tug at his collage.
"No," he said, a bit unconvincingly.
Tsunade nodded skeptically. However, she signed the necessary papers. Sasuke sighed in relief.
It was a two-week journey to this "Kaede's Village," but, traveling at his top speed, Sasuke managed to make it in nine days. He arrived just after midday, in the small village..
This was a rather backwards country, as Naruto had said. They did not have any hidden villages, no shinobi, and almost no modern technology. Sasuke hid his discomfort, however, because he was Uchiha Sasuke, and Uchiha Sasuke is always unfazed.
He walked into the village confidently, and quickly saw a man wearing the robes of a monk. Sasuke grinned, and walked up confidently, with an, "Excuse me."
The monk and his companions — a girl in a strange, short kimono that looked like something Ino would wear, a silver-haired dog-eared boy who reminded Sasuke of the Kyuubi sealed inside Naruto, and a conservatively-dressed brown-haired female carrying a rather large weapon — turned to look at the newcomer.
"Are you the monk Jiraiya-sama spoke of?" Sasuke asked imperiously.
The monk looked up with a smile. "You're from Konoha, then?" he asked. "How is the old man?"
Sasuke ignored the question. "So you are the monk. Good. I want you to train me."
The monk looked up in surprise. "What kind of training?"
Sasuke sighed and, sensing that this would take a long time, sat down. He began to explain his predicament.
When Sasuke was done with his story, the monk (called Miroku) was looking at him in confusion, the two females (called respectively Kagome and Sango) were looking at his reproachfully, and the dog-eared boy (called InuYasha) was looking at him rather confused.
"So you want this lecher to-" InuYasha began, before Miroku hit him over the head.
"Let me handle this," he said, before turning back to the Uchiha prodigy. "So this Sakura girl is rather beautiful, you said?"
Sasuke gave a shrug. "Hn. Whatever. She's better than the rest of them, I guess." (And he blushed a tiny bit. But only a little. This is still Sasuke we're talking about.)
Miroku nodded. "Mmm-hmm," he said, thoughtfully. "And you said she has friends?"
Sasuke scowled at the thought of the (usually giggling) girls Sakura surrounded herself with, and nodded warily.
The monk put his fist in his hand rather decisively. "That settles it. I have decided to help you! We leave in the morning!"
The girl Sango (who was a demon-slayer, a profession that confused Sasuke quite a bit, because the only demons he knew of were the tailed-beasts and they were rather impossible to slay) fixed him with a steady glare. "Oh?" she asked, ominously. "And just what exactly would you be doing there?"
"Oh, nothing that would require supervision, Sango," the monk replied cheerily enough, but he looked a bit wary of the large weapon she carried slung over her back. "Just training the kid is all."
Sasuke looked irritable at the mention of 'kid'. They didn't look much older than him — in fact, the two girls looked rather younger than he was. But he didn't comment.
"Well, I think I'll go, just in case you get into trouble, houshi-sama," Sango said, decisively. Sasuke was a bit annoyed at this — surely this sage monk could handle himself in battle. If not, then what was he doing getting training from him?
"Ah, no, there's no need-" the monk began to protest, but Kagome cut him off.
"We'll all go," she said, with a cheery smile. "It's give us a chance to look for more shikon no kakera."
Sasuke had absolutely no idea what this was, so he fell silent. The monk would train him, and that was all he cared about. So he remained silent, as the conversation fell to something called the 'shikon no tama' and somebody called 'Naraku', neither of which were topics Sasuke cared enough to ask about.
The five of them — plus some bratty fox kid who reminded Sasuke of Naruto too much for his own good, called Shippo, and a two-tailed fire-cat who was much more useful than she first appeared, named Kirara — set off the following morning.
Miroku spent most of that time talking to Sasuke, explaining his lessons. He was currently explaining something called "the approach".
"You have to give them a certain smile," Miroku was saying. "One that says, 'you're the sexiest woman I've ever laid eyes on, sleep with me now'."
Sasuke gave him a confused look. "And this will help… how?"
Miroku sighed. "When we get to the next town, I'll show you."
Fortunately, they arrived in a village that night. Miroku immediately announced that he had to make an exorcism on the nicest inn in town, claiming that it was infested by demons. Sasuke gave him a skeptical look, but didn't comment — he was the monk, after all. The others just looked annoyed.
Once they were, rather graciously, outfitted with a room in gratitude for their services, Miroku decided that it was time for Sasuke to continue his training.
It didn't take long for the monk to spot two fairly young, rather beautiful women walking alone. Miroku nodded to the ninja prodigy by his side.
"Now, then, this is the patented Sexy Smirk Technique," Miroku explained, before striding up to the two young girls. The looked at the monk in some confusion.
Sasuke, meanwhile, used his chakra to activate his sharingan. He watched the lecherous monk intently, determined to learn this new jutsu. Surely this would help him to complete his second objective.
The monk gave a smile, which (inexplicably) seemed to sparkle, though Sasuke could see no evidence that he was using chakra. Nor had he used any hand signs, though he was watching Miroku's every movement.
"Excuse me, ladies," he said, still giving them that smile.
They giggled and blushed prettily. Still quite unsure just what kind of jutsu the monk was using, because it seemed the sharingan just couldn't manage to pinpoint it (and how was that even possible?) and he needed to learn this technique.
The monk continued his flirting. "What say we head back to the inn and-"
"And what, houshi-sama?"
The voice, ominous and quite terrifying, came out of the darkness. Sasuke gulped a little bit in fear despite himself.
"Ah, would you excuse me, ladies?" Miroku asked, looking quite a bit more afraid that he sounded. He turned around, a totally different smile on his face. "Hello, Sango, pearl of my heart…."
Sango gave him an exasperated look, and smacked him across the head lightly. He gave her a smile, and she grabbed his ear, dragging him off. "I think you're done for the night, houshi-sama," she said, in a no-nonsense tone of voice that reminded Sasuke (a little bit) of Sakura when she got pissed off.
She looked back over her shoulder. "Oh, and Sasuke… you should probably come back, too."
The Uchiha prodigy nodded, and followed them back to the inn.
The next day, Sasuke's training continued to commence.
"Now, then, Sasuke," Miroku commanded. "Why don't you try out your Sexy Smirk Technique."
Sasuke, thinking about what he had gained from the Sharingan the night before, and what Miroku had told him, pulled his lips back in the attempt of a smile. He narrowed his eyes a little bit, and looked intently ahead of him.
Miroku smacked his errant pupil over the head with his staff.
"You're supposed to entice the women, not scare them away," he lectured. "It looked like you were growling, not smiling!"
Sasuke scowled. "So just what was I doing wrong?" he demanded, glaring — if the monk couldn't help him, then what had he been doing? Wasting his time?.
Miroku gave a sigh. "I can see this is going to take a long time," he lamented.
Miroku turned out to be right.
It took most of the rest of the week for Sasuke to be able to smile competently. Once he had finally stopped scowling, of course — and that was a hard task, considering the Uchiha always seemed to be scowling.
Once they had completed that, it took the second week to teach Sasuke how to pitch his voice just low enough to be seductive without sounding like he was ready to kill someone.
Eventually, they were just outside of Konoha. As they neared the gates, Miroku took aside his pupil for some very last training.
"I don't have time to teach you the rest of my craft," Miroku said, a little bit dramatically. Sasuke gave him a look that said 'get to the point, you idiot'.
Miroku sighed. "Well, there's one last thing that I need to tell you," he said. "When you ask this Sakura of yours to help you restore your clan, you must say these words exactly…."
And then he leaned down, and whispered the words into Sasuke's ear.
"…. And that is all that I can teach you. However, I must caution you, that women can be rather temperamental, so make sure-"
But the Uchiha had already disappeared. Presumably to find Sakura.
Miroku sighed, and headed after him, hoping to find the kid before he got seriously injured. One never knew with these kunoichi.
Sakura was out at a bar, having a few drinks with friends and generally having a good time. She had missed Sasuke, since he'd gone on his training mission, but didn't think much of it. It was just a training mission, after all.
It wasn't like Sasuke would leave the village again, after all. Itachi was — they all knew — six feet under by now. Probably rotting, too.
(Which was a shame, she decided. He had been very good looking. Almost as good-looking as his brother, though to Sakura's eyes Sasuke would always be superior.)
Plus, the Uchiha had been acting odd around her. He would try to start conversations, which he would quickly finish, and then would steadfastly deny that he had ever tried to speak to her. It was getting a bit unnerving.
Which is why, when Sasuke entered the very bar she was currently sitting in, she was very surprised.
She was even more surprised when he strode up to her, clasped her hands in his, smiled a very, very sexy smile, and asked her probably the last question she ever expected to hear out of the mouth of Uchiha Sasuke.
"Haruno Sakura, as you well know, I am obligated to restore the Uchiha Clan," he said, his voice low and unbearably sexy. Sakura blushed, because (oh my god) he was holding her hand, and he was looking at her… with his EYES! "And so I was wondering…."
He paused, to give her another sexy smirk.
"Would you bear my child?"
For a second, the whole room went quiet. Sakura stared at Sasuke. Sasuke stared at Sakura. A tumbleweed blew by unnoticed in the distance.
Sakura, eventually, broke the silence.
"Sasuke-kun…" she said, a little bit timidly, blushing from head to toe. "Was that… a pickup line?"
Sasuke blushed a little bit (even though Uchiha Sasuke never blushed) and muttered, "Hn."
Sakura looked at him, sparkling tears in her eyes. "Sasuke-kun, that has got to be…" she gave him a sweet, pretty smile, before her face fell. "The worst pickup line I've ever heard!"
And then she punched him in the face.
Seconds later, a panting Miroku ran into the bar, to see a (rather unconscious) Sasuke who was being carried (over her shoulder) by Sakura to the hospital. She shot a possessive grin around the bar, before heading for someplace more secluded to patch him up. (And maybe jump him, while she was at it, because it was Sasuke, and he had just used a pickup line on her.)
Miroku gave a sigh.
"I tried to warn him."