This idea came to me last night while I read The Darwin Awards. I don't own Inuyasha or the book, though they both are highly entertaining.
Edited 02/03/08: I was reading this while at work and I couldn't believe what I'd missed while writing it. I also left out the disclaimer! I don't own the book The Darwin Awards or the characters from Inuyasha. I do, however, own this story.
"Hey, Kags!" a voice yelled out in the crowded hallway of the educational prison. Said girl of seventeen turned to see her boyfriend of four years sauntering towards her through the crowded hallway with a grin on his face and his messenger bag slung over his left shoulder.
"Hey, Yash," Kagome greeted him with a smile and a kiss.
"What? No ear rub?" Inuyasha whined, his soft silver dog ears drooping.
Kagome chuckled and reached up to rub his right ear. He let out an appreciative rumble and pushed his ear against her hand and he drew her closer to his form, wrapping his arms around her waist. Kagome giggled at his cute antics and let go of his ear. She detached herself from him and started to walk down the hall towards their first hour class, ignoring his whine of protest as he moved forward to walk loyally beside her.
"So," she asked her boyfriend. "What's got you in such a good mood this morning? Usually you're practically dead until you've had your ear rub and nap in first hour."
"Oh!" Inuyasha said, "That's right! I almost forgot!" Kagome watched in fascination as he dug through his bag and pulled out a book.
"A book?" Kagome asked, unable to hide the surprise in her voice.
"Don't act so surprised," Inuyasha said dryly before regaining his smile as they walked into their first hour math class and sat in their adjacent seats.
"What book is it?" Kagome asked, curious as to what book (that wasn't history) was able to keep her boyfriend interested.
"The Darwin Awards," Inuyasha answered her simply as he handed the book to her.
'"A new volume commemorating individuals who improve our gene pool…by removing themselves from it." Of course it's not a novel, oh well.'
"Darwin Awards?" she asked her boyfriend.
"Yeah, here, I'll show you my favorites," Inuyasha said, taking the book from her and flipping through the pages before handing it back to her.
DARWIN AWARD: MILE HIGH CLUB FAILURE
Confirmed by Darwin
23 DECEMBER 1991 FLORIDA
This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in brackets for clarity.
Aircraft: Piper PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.
The private pilot and a pilot-rated passenger [two pilots were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the copilot seat to a bed. Neither body showed evidence of seat belts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed. Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and copilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane. Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane landing to a wing failure.
Kagome turned the page and read the comic on the next page.
98 THE DARWIN AWARDS IV
Pilot: Ooh! Ahh!
Copilot : Yes! Yes!
Airplane terminal guy 1: Oh my God! It looks like they're gonna crash!
Airplane terminal guy 2: Yeah—but what a way to go!
Kagome laughed and looked at the next page and finished the article.
[Lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, overstressing the wing and leading to a crash.
Reference: NTSB #MIA92FA051
"Get an autopilot!"
"The ultimate high!"
"I guess they did give a flying f—."
"Perhaps Durex ought to sell parachutes as well…"
"Well, obviously they were erotic…oh, oops, I mean erratic, pilots."
"Of course that's your favorite," Kagome said sardonically.
He grinned and leaned towards her before whispering huskily into her ear, "I've heard that pleasure is heightened at higher altitudes. What say we test it?" He flicked his tongue out against her ear before trailing his mouth down her neck to nuzzle her shoulder, right where the cloth of her uniform shirt covered her mate mark.
Kagome blushed and giggled, shuddering from his ministrations. "I have no wish to end up like these people," she told him.
"Sesshomaru can fly," Inuyasha told her.
"I don't think that he'd appreciate all the noises that we're sure to make."
"We could bring Rin along."
"Yeah, but again, we'd just end up like these people."
"Aww, well, you can't blame me for trying," he whined." There's another good one, one that even made me cringe." He took the book from her again and flipped through the pages before handing it back to her. Kagome took the book and read the article.
DARWIN AWARD: CHICKEN TO GO
Confirmed by Darwin
3 OCTOBER 2004 ROMANIA
Radu, sixty-seven, lived in a formerly peaceful village near Galati. But lately Radu couldn't get any sleep, all because of a single noisy chicken. Night after night he dreamed of wringing its neck, or even better, chopping its head off and eating it. One night, he finally had enough. He roused himself from bed and headed out to the yard in his underwear, determined to bring silence to his home.
The sleep deprived villager grabbed the chicken by the neck and chopped its head right off. Only then did he realize that he had confused his own penis for the chicken's neck. While Radu stood stunned by his own folly, his dog rushed over and gobbled up the treat.
He was rushed to the hospital, bleeding heavily. Doctors sewed up the wound and pronounced him out of danger. He is also in no danger of reproducing.
"Oh my God!" Kagome exclaimed, clamping a hand to her mouth and earning some strange looks from their classmates that were trickling in. "I can see why it made you cringe! But…but how did he mistake that for that?! That's the most sensitive part of the male anatomy!"
"I don't know, but now whenever I go to the kitchen for a midnight snack in my boxers, I'm gunna check and make sure that what I'm choppin' ain't attached to me," Inuyasha said with a shudder.
"You better," Kagome said. "I'd hate for you to lose those family jewels." She flipped towards the front of the book and looked at the other categories for Darwin Awards. "Let's look at Explosion slash Fire." She turned towards page 188 and read the two articles that showed.
"People are really stupid, aren't they?"
"Yeah," a voice answered from behind the couple. They turned around to see their two friends, Miroku and Sango, a couple in and of themselves, had walked in when they weren't paying attention. "People are very stupid, but what suddenly made you come to this revelation?" Sango asked.
Kagome smiled and showed her the book. "Darwin Awards, they're hilarious!" She was just about to show Sango the airplane one when the teacher walked in.
"Alright class, quiet down and open up your books to page 77," she said as she turned to write notes on the white board.
Kagome mouthed a 'later' to Sango and turned around to the front of the class. Inuyasha nuzzled her shoulder and her mate mark, the one that she'd gotten from their first time, once more before turning his attention to the teacher.
'Maybe we can borrow a pilot from his dad to test that theory out…' Kagome thought, thinking back to the first Darwin Award article that Inuyasha had shown her. She glanced at her boyfriend and caught his eye. He smirked at her and tapped his claw on the Darwin Awards book before raising a questioning eyebrow.
'Yep, definitely gunna have to see about that,' she grinned back at him and gave a small nod, barely able to wait.