The Thin Line
A/N: Welcome to a new story that I shouldn't even be starting until I finish everything else but that seems to be the way I work. I needed to write something new and fresh and so here it is. Please read and I hope you enjoy.
Dedicated to Everyone.
Summary: KH- AU- AKUROKU- BL- DRAMA/ANGST …What would you feel, being the dirty little secret?
WARNING: BL AND ANGST IN THIS STORY. READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL
Chapter 6: You Don't Have To Wait Up For Me.
Another… tired… lonely day. Why had I even come to this place? I was a masochist; there was just no other option. Somehow, life just didn't feel quite right without being abused. Ha. What a laugh. I suppose the good thing was those stupid jocks must have scared themselves out of attacking me again. Well, a few of them had even been expelled. I didn't know how the school had found out but I didn't really care. It had been three whole days and I hadn't even heard a word from them. Them… or Axel.
I sighed and leaned my head back against the faithful graffiti tree. We were two of a kind. A battered and bruised sort of bunch that somehow just remained… stationary.
It shouldn't have hurt so much, that I hadn't seen him for days. It shouldn't have hurt, but it did. Every time a snap of red caught my eye a big pit of hope opened in my chest, only to be clenched tightly shut when I realized it wasn't him. I didn't even know why I was looking for him. Did I really want to see him? And if I did, what would I say?
Somehow, my emotions hadn't been quite right since he had stormed out of the hospital. I went from cold to hot to colder then hotter. It was either anger or despair. It was hard for me to find my happy medium of normal… numbness. Is that how I had been living? Had I just been suppressing everything so I didn't feel… anything?
I felt that, and then I felt like a coward.
But was I? Was I a coward for always keeping what I was feeling inside? Was I a coward because I wanted to protect what little I had? The only thing that I had, or had had, was Axel's friendship, and I had done everything I could to keep it… hadn't I?
The bell. I closed my eyes, and inwardly sighed again. Really, I didn't feel like going to another class. But I had to go to the next one. It was the only one where I'd get to see him. We were desk buddies even. Would he ask one of his friends to change seats? I still didn't understand. Why had he left that day? Why had he been crying? Didn't…Didn't he understand what he had done? Didn't he feel any kind of remorse?
If I had kept my mouth shut, would things be different now?
I gathered up my things and stood, heading towards English. Maybe things would have been different, but did it really matter? Could I have continued on being just friends with someone who meant the world to me? The selfsame someone who had sold me out to his friends for a few kicks and a social ladder; could I continue to keep quiet?
I didn't know why I was still questioning. Hadn't I always already known? When you didn't have anything to begin with, you didn't have anything to lose.
"Maybe it was the smoke in the air, or the feeling of emptiness. Maybe it was because we both thought we were going to die in that little cramped space. Whatever it was the hunger was real. It was like a giant typhoon that took us both over as the world shook around us and the sky lit up with fire. We kissed with a hunger I had never felt before, nails scratching, biting, and tears streaming down my face. Was it really going to be my last moment?
"The pounding of my heart as we stole each others last breaths was an emotional rollercoaster that I had longed to experience but never wish to feel again. The darkness and the pain and the sadness and the loss were all amplified in that moment along with a feeling of freedom and life renewed. His lips caressed mine, demanding, conquering, soothing. Never in a million years had I ever thought I could be here, with him, like this.
"Was it love that made us do such crazy things? Or was it the moment? Was it me he was seeing, or was it a last kiss to life? Was it… us? Or was he just waiting for death? No, I think I had always known. He had never been with me; his eyes had never seen mine. They had only ever seen what I could do for him. What we had was no searing memory of passion, shown in the only moments that mattered. It was only his fear of losing his stage and I… I was only a stand in."
I closed my notebook, my face burning and nodded to the teacher to indicate I was done. The room was in a stunned silence, and I'm sure everyone's eyes were on me. I couldn't really tell from the burning tears in my eyes trying to escape. Who knew I could feel so strongly, right? Isn't that what you had said? Maybe I'm not so heartless after all.
Blinking a few times I came to my desk and our eyes met. I would have died a thousand deaths to know what you were thinking as your eyes searched mine, but I didn't dare ask. Sitting down in my chair I closed my eyes to the world and once again waited for that rainy day everyone says I should save up for so I could blow it all.
Ah, life was back to normal. I softly closed my locker as I watched him approach. Lucky for me, our school's lockers were much to small to stuff someone in. Either way, I would rather mine be closed, just in case he decided to try anyway. Science and math couldn't be their strong suits.
Blonde-Jock was, once again, coming to get me. Briefly I wondered where Axel was, but that was easily pushed aside. Well, who knows if I even managed to push it aside. But I could pretend that I wasn't always thinking about him. Besides, even after everything that had gone on I didn't think he could stomach personally beating me up.
He stopped in front of me, and looked at me. Just… stared at me. I think it unnerved me much more then a fist to the face ever had. What was his game? I realized somewhere in the back of my mind that he hadn't been there that night. Awful, stupid, night that it was. Why? Or maybe he had been, and I just hadn't noticed between being choked or beaten. Yeah, that was probably more likely. But… why was the doubt still there?
"What do you want?" I asked finally, after too many moments of silence between us.
He just kept staring.
School was over…
As the bell rang I decided, if he wasn't here to beat me up then I really had no business with him. Turning to go I started as he reached out to grab my arm, much softer then I had expected. What's more, he didn't do anything other then turn me back around so that we were once again face to face.
"You need to know something."
What the hell was going on? I sighed and let my shoulders droop. Ah, really, what was I expecting? This was definitely a new approach, but what else could it be? Some sort of trap? A trick? Did I even care what happened to me anymore?
"What do you want?" I asked, resigned. Really, I should have just asked "where are we going?" I knew it was the same thing.
"Come with me." Yeah… same shit, different day.
But then he let go of my arm and turned around, heading down the hall that had been recently emptied of humanity. Our shoes made a soft clomping sound against the old linoleum as I wondered why I was following him. It wouldn't have been hard to run, or scream, or I could have just said no. Was I really such a glutton for punishment? Or was there… was there something else? Something that wasn't quite right? Was I… hoping for something?
We turned, and he entered an empty music study room. They were small soundproof rooms designed for self study by people from the musical departments. Though the soundproof part would definitely help if you were going to try and beat up somebody, the windows on the doors didn't really scream "secret place."
I followed him in, and sat down on one of the benches. Why wasn't anyone else here? Was he really planning anything or was this…? What was this?
"Axel didn't set you up."
I physically reeled back. Wait… what?
"You've got to be kidding me."
But he didn't look like he was kidding. In fact, he wasn't even smiling his normal "I-love-causing-you-pain" smile. What… was going on?
"No. I don't think I'm going to believe you."
I stood to leave and he grabbed my arm again, this time yanking me back down. I sat, a little shocked, a little apprehensive, and he grimaced.
"Sorry, but would you please listen?"
Sorry? He was apologizing to me? There had to be a trick in here somewhere right? Why would someone like him be apologizing to someone like me? And now of all times? Didn't he get that it was too late? That there was nothing that could be done to make me better anymore? Didn't he get that I was so far gone no one could bring me back with some tiny apology?
He must have seen the disbelief on my face.
"Yeah. I know. I haven't exactly been… Well, I hated you. I don't know why we hated you, it was just… Somehow we all… Well, whatever. That's not why I'm here…"
He looked like he didn't know what to say and I was getting more confused by the moment.
"What…what is going on?"
"I told you, Axel didn't set you up. He even… When they started… to you… He jumped in and saved you. He was the one that beat the shit out of everyone and got them to stop. He was the one that took you to the hospital and told the school everything. He even threatened to press charges on your behalf but the hospital said you were okay enough to decide that on your own…"
"… this isn't funny." I said softly, my chest collapsing. I couldn't breathe. There was no way this shit was true. Why? Why was this guy torturing me?
"Do I look like I'm fucking kidding? That guy's a wreck now and it's all because you're too stupid to see that he cares about you. What the fuck was that shit in class dude?"
"Cares about me? Like he's been there for me?!" I snapped and stood, throwing out my hands. "What the fuck do you know you asshole? When was he there for me? When he let you guys kick my ass? Huh? When the fuck was he there except when no one else was around?"
He grimaced again and sighed. "Look, I don't know how to say I'm sorry, and I don't really want to… we were stupid. But Axel, he never let anyone get really rough on you, and he was always trying to get everyone to stop. A few of us agreed with him but there were a couple guys… they just wouldn't quit. Axel was trying to get them thrown off the team. He actually threatened the coach with leaving if the guy didn't kick some of them out."
I could really only stare. Was this the truth? Was there… could it be possible?
"What about… what about his scholarship?" I croaked out, my hands shaking.
"I guess he didn't care about that as much as… you. Whatever, I don't get all this gay mushy crap but I was just here to tell you the truth. I'm out."
And just like that he left my world crashing down around my ears.
Bruises. I had always just assumed they had been from sports but had he been fighting? Had he been fighting for me? And what about in the hospital?
"I'm sorry.. Rox you know I couldn't do anything. If I had stood up to them… I… My scholarship… My parents… I just…"
No… It hadn't been excuses. hadn't I known him our whole lives…? Why had I been so stupid?
"I'm sorry… I couldn't do anything. Rox you know I couldn't do anything, but I should have. If I had stood up to them…None of this would have happened. I…didn't know what to do. My scholarship…It doesn't even come close to mattering as much as you. My parents…They'll understand why I'm doing this once I explain. I just…I couldn't let you keep getting hurt."
I had been an idiot. All that time, while I had been wishing he would just look at me, I had been the blind one. The scraps, and the bruises he always had, they were for me. That faint blush that I hadn't even really paid attention to every time he looked at me. How he was always smiling when we were together. The numerous amounts of stuff that he always replaced… How every time something bad happened he always came over and spent the night to make sure… to make sure I was okay. He was always… making sure I was okay.
Fuck. What have I done?
BAM. BAM. BAM.
I pounded my fist against his door. For the first time in my life I was scared, truly scared. What if he never spoke to me again? Had I messed up bad enough this time that he wouldn't forgive me? Was he avoiding me? Would I even get the chance to tell him how sorry I was? How I felt about him?
BAM. BAM. BAM.
Still no answer. I had been pounding for ten minutes and still… nothing. Nothing. What a horrible word. And it was me. I was… nothing now. Nothing without Axel. My body sagged against the door and I laid my head against the distressed wood. I don't know when I started crying, but my shoes were getting wet. Why had it all turned out this way? Why hadn't I noticed sooner? Why hadn't I noticed that I had been the one keeping him my dirty secret?
I turned around so fast that I nearly fell down. He was here, standing with a bag that looked sort of like groceries. His face looked… sad. I had never seen him look so sad. He looked… like I felt. Empty.
"Axel-" I started, reaching for him unconsciously before I noticed and just let my hand hang uncertainly between us. I looked ridiculous but I didn't know what to do. I had no idea how to make any of this better.
"What are you doing here?" He asked after a moment, looking wary.
Wary… He looked wary of me. He was scared of what I was going to say. How had I not noticed before?
"I love you."
In retrospect that probably hadn't been the best way to say it. Somewhere I knew that I should have had a bit more finesse but the aching in my chest hurt so much I couldn't even think straight anymore. He was here, and… and there was a chance that I would lose him forever just because I had been so stupid.
The silence stretched for an infinity. Possibly beyond. All he could do was stare at me, and I didn't dare move, didn't dare breathe. I couldn't. I didn't want to break the spell of whatever was keeping him here, staring at me.
"Are you… serious?" He asked slowly.
I could only nod, hoping he could see in my eyes how serious I was.
"Then kiss me."
It had definitely not been what I was expecting. I had only just been allowing myself to hope we could once again be friends. Was this… reality? It couldn't be. Somehow I had ended up in another one of my painful sick fantasies thinking it was real.
All I could do was stand there, gaping like a fish.
"Ah… ah… um…"
He chuckled a little and set the groceries down. Slowly, hesitantly, as if I might break, he reached for me. I gasped a little as his hands slid around my body pulling me close. I had to be dreaming. This couldn't be reality. Snugly fitted against the hard contours of Axel's athletic body my mind was blank. He felt way better then any of my fantasies had ever come close to. And I had never really noticed just how tall he was. He had to bend almost doubly over in order to rest his forehead against mine.
"Roxas?" He asked softly. I could feel his soft breath against my face and my hands slowly touched his chest. Was this okay? Was this really okay?
"Are you… real?" I asked in return, wonder showing on my face. I couldn't believe it. Everything had been wrong. I had hurt so hard I thought I would have rather been dead and now… Now I was within the circle of Axel's arms and he was staring at me with a heat so intense I could barely breathe. Was there any way that this was real?
"Let me show you…" He whispered, his husky voice sending shivers down my spine.
And he did. There was no way I could feel so fiercely in a dream. As his lips conquered mine I realized none of my imaginings had even come close to the real thing. I was being devoured. He kissed me hard, turning by body to jell-o as his lips effectively took my breath away. Grasping on to his shirt for balance, I gasped for air and he took the opportunity to penetrate my lips with his warm tongue. It was hard, and rough, and somehow… gentle. As if he was exploring my mouth with his own. Memorizing; learning what made me gasp and writhe in pleasure. And gasp and writhe I did. Somehow, though I don't remember him ever talking about other people, he had the prowess of a well seasoned playboy. Unwilling to be only led I returned his kiss with as much passion as I could muster. Somehow, there was a need to make him feel as good as he made me.
Long moments later he lifted his head away to rest his forehead against mine once again. It was strangely satisfying to feel his chest heave beneath my hands, knowing I had been the one to make him lose his breath.
"Were you… serious?" He asked again and for a moment I was dumbfounded. Was he an idiot?
Then, I smiled and unhooked his keys from his belt as he looked at me questioningly. Unlocking the door behind me I grabbed his hand and dragged him across the threshold.
"Let me show you."
A/N: El finito! Only took me… almost a year. XD Oh well. Hope you enjoy. And reviews are always appreciated.