Clandestine

Chapter 1: Instant Heartbreak


"It's Raph."

I sat and stared at him. His eyes were so full of fear and pain – I'd never seen him like this. It was way too apparent that keeping this love of his cloak-and-dagger was tearing him apart from the inside out, and that he was scared to death of admitting to it. It's not that I was shocked to find out he was gay – I think all four of us fancy the touch of a male. And I admit I even wasn't that shocked to find out he was in love with one of his brethren; think about it – we've been stuck together for over a decade and a half with no contact with women…except for April, but she didn't have any interest in us beyond our friendship. We're all teens with raging hormones and we were all seeking some sort of release from someone. But what did shock me was that he fell in love with Raphael. What the hell was there to love about that egotistical asshole? Of the three of us, I most expected Donny to pursue Mikey – those two seem to be more alike than Donny and Raph.

My brother muttering those two words just made something rise up and grapple my heart. I felt a physical pain in my chest, as if a large part of me had been lost. And I say I felt this way because I loved Donny. I'd been in love with him for years, but I hadn't the guts to tell him because succumbing to my emotions would show weakness on my part, and a good leader cannot be weak. I also trust Donny with many things that I wouldn't want to have him abandon because he's ill at ease around me.

It hurt me to know the one I loved wanted to be with someone else, but his soul was shattering right before my eyes as he poured his feelings out to me. I couldn't possibly add to his emotional distress by telling him I wanted to be with him – it would have driven him beyond insanity. I did my best to console him, and to reassure him that his feelings were not wrong; as I held him in an embrace and let him cry his sorrows away, he had no idea I was quietly weeping. The pain in my heart was unbearable – worse than any injury I'd ever sustained in battle.

Once Donny seemed more calmed down, I left him to get some rest. I immediately went to my own bedroom and buried my face in my pillow. For hours, I simply lay with my fists and teeth clenched, forcing myself not to cry. If I allowed myself to submit to this weakness, there was no guarantee I would not yield to other weaknesses. But I realized my heart had a limit, and I was pushed past them that night. I reached a point where I broke down, and I sobbed violently; I never knew wanting someone could hurt this badly. Not only was I upset over the dreadful pain in my heart, but I felt like a weakling, having submitted to my heartbreak.


Author's Note: Yes, it was very, very short. But trust me when I say future chapters will be longer. But yeah...oh, the webs love weaves.