I own nothing! Hazzah! Wait...
Crazy-Savior-Girl as Jayne was fond of calling her in his head, was outright glaring at River. River's eyes kept darting around the room in an assessing manner and it took Jayne a moment to realize she was calculating any and all items that could be used as a weapon. He began counting as well. He soon lost count and his agitation began to mount. He was somewhat relieved to find Mal and Zoe were just as tense as he was.
"I'm hungry," River announced. Crazy-Savior-Girl's glare deepened. "You're a thief."
"You're crazier than I am," River snapped. The blond girl tensed. "That wasn't nice."
"Well, calling me a thief wasn't nice. Finder's keepers. I may be fat, but I can take you if I have to."
River's face turned beat red with rage and she fought to stand, but only succeeded in pushing herself further into the couch. She let out a low, frustrated growl. She glowered at the girl. "If I had a gun, I would shoot you to put you out of my misery."
"Only the weak turn to violence for a solution," Crazy-Savior-Girl said snidely and River smirked maliciously. "Well, I guess maybe we made a mistake in attacking the Academy. I suppose you wanted us to just waltz in and ask them politely to quit cutting into your minuscule brain. Do not be so quick to bite the hand that feeds you as it might pull a gun on you and shoot you for your insolence."
Crazy-Savior-Girl's face blanched and David put a hand on her shoulder. "Sarah?"
She jerked away from him. "She's fine."
River fought to push herself to sit up more correctly and Jayne reached over to help her. Crazy-Savior-Girl-Sarah's eyes narrowed. "Why did you get to have paradise? Why must she suffer while you float on pink clouds?"
River frowned at her. "Not always pink clouds. They were very stormy for a very long time."
"Well if this ain't been just a fine little get tagether," Mal mumbled sarcastically. Zoe raised an eyebrow. "Very fine, Sir."
"Very...non-threatening," Wash stuttered. "Can we go home now?"
"I ain't feelin' ta good 'bout that way yer wife's starin' at my girl like she's 'bout ta gut 'er," Jayne said in a low voice to David, causing both his brother and Crazy-Savior-Girl-Sarah to widen their eyes and reel back slightly. He pointed at his brother's wife. "Now any a them fanciful girly notions you got floatin' 'round in that cracked brain a yers need ta disappear right quick or so help me I will beat yer ass 'til it takes one a Doc's machines ta keep you alive."
"Should have wrapped the blue box with me," she mumbled back and he glared at her. "Gorramn it, I don't wanna wrap no blue boxes with you. If'n I did, I woulda-"
River's small hand on his arm cut him off. She smiled up at him. "No concept of ownership. Does not understand that some things are not tame-able and do not come when called."
Jayne smiled down at her. "I'm pretty sure when you tell me jump, I say 'how high'."
She smirked. "Does not mean you are tame. Means you are loyal. Like a penguin."
Jayne made a disgruntled face. "How the ruttin' hell did I go from bein' a Jaguar ta bein' a yu ben de penguin?"
"Penguins, both male and female are loyal to their mates," she laughed, poking his side, "however, I am the most loyal of the pair as you have yet to give me my pebble."
"Why would I give you a rock?"
Simon covered his face with his hand. "She means a wedding ring, you idiot."
"Oh, well, she shoulda said that," he snapped back to his future brother-in-law. Simon rolled his eyes in exasperation. "She did!"
"Oh, so now you know everythin' she means when she spouts of 'er nonsensical poetry," Jayne groused, "weren't too long ago you was scratchin' yer head tryin' ta figure out what she Gorramn meant when she was spoutin' off her bird in th'egg talk an' callin' me a jaguar!"
Simon's face reddened. "Pardon me for just now catching on."
Wash raised an eyebrow. "Gotta admit, Simon, you were pretty slow on the uptake. Me knowing what she was saying before you is pretty sad."
Zoe smirked. "Husband, did you just call yourself stupid?"
Wash sighed, hurt. "Well, Sweet-thighs, it does further my point..."
Jayne turned back to stare at Crazy-Savior-Girl-Sarah. "You done actin' like a freak yet?"
The small church was hot and stuffy and there was no air conditioning. The guests consisted solely of Jayne's family, the crew of Serenity, and River and Simon's parent's. After a heated "argument" in which River lobbed one of her boots at Jayne's head, she finally acquiesced to his demands and put on said boots on the grounds that he not wear his pin-up shirt. He wore his "big all over" shirt instead. They were the least formal of all in attendance, Matt and Barrett coming in at a close second. Vera was maid of honor and Wash was the best man. Mal proudly walked River down the isle, though she waddled more than walked, casting an eat shit and die look to a grim-faced Gabriel Tam. Everyone else was all smiles.
"I, River Annabelle Tam, promise to love, honor and sometimes obey Jayne Michael Cobb. I also promise not to slash at his chest with butcher's knives when I have crazy fits, though I don't have those fits anymore and the point is moot. However, I promise to have more fits that end in violence against others as it causes him great amusement and results in exemplary sexual intercourse for the both of us. I promise to fully sex him every night just the way he likes it and more-"
"That's kinda really horrific," Mal muttered from his place beside Inara. River and Jayne both shot him a warning glare and Inara elbowed him.
"I also promise that should we ever part from extenuating circumstances-"
"I'm not finished-"
River glared up at Jayne. "The operative word was should, Jayne, let me finish!"
Jayne rolled his eyes and she continued, "That I will not demand any of Jayne's girls, especially Vera, as part of the settlement. As I love Jayne, such extenuating circumstances will never come to pass. I will consider doing such menial tasks as laundry and cooking only on special occasions such as his birthday or him having nearly been shot to death, though it will most likely be the former of the two as he is smart enough to know that being shot nearly to death will gain him no sympathy. Being that I am more mathematical of mind, I will take full responsibility for managing our income from any and all illegal trade we take part in on Serenity and am prepared to give up my part in our life of crime in order to properly raise our offspring as is seen fit-"
"No more fancy, sexifying fighting?"
River sighed in exasperation. "I'm not finished, Jayne, I'm about to get to that part."
Jayne's lower lip jutted out in a pout and she smiled up at him as she continued on. "However, since I will on occasion accompany Jayne out for a drink, I will make it a point to take part in as many bar brawls as possible so that I may later play nursemaid and thus fall prey to Jayne's more carnal and manly urges."
Jayne perked up. "That's more like it!"
River smiled up at him tenderly. "Jayne, you are the only Jaguar wild enough to for this swan and I promise to always be your Wendy-bird. I love you ever so much."
Jayne rolled his eyes, smiling all the while as he stared down at her for several minutes. River arched an eyebrow at him expectantly and his brow furrowed in confusion. Wash leaned forward and whispered, "It's your turn to say you're vows!"
"Oh," Jayne squeaked in the most manful way possible as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a badly crinkled and gun oil stained paper. He dusted the lint off of it and unfolded it quickly, clearing his throat. "I, Jayne Michael Cobb, promise ta love, honor, an' always obey River Annabelle Tam. I promise never ta backhand River ever again should she ever have a crazy fit where she does slash at me with a Butcher's knife. Instead, I'll just sex 'er up good 'cause that always seems ta make 'er an' me feel better about any an' all fits she has that end in violence. I promise ta always put food on our table fer us an' our kids an' ta never ever get muhself shot up ta the point that she'll cry an' carry on an' make 'erself sick over it. I also promise that I will try not ta save her life at the expense of my own, even though her life is more important than mine-"
"Fer someone who made such a big deal 'bout bein' interrupted-"
Jayne huffed and glared. "I will also try not ta be so mean ta Simon, though he deserves it fer actin' like he's such a know-it-all all the time..."
Jayne waggled his eyebrows at her. "However, as this is of the highest priority, I promise, first an' foremost that any an' all sexing that occurs between the two a us will be conducted while I am attired only in my hat an' that said sexing will last a minimum of two hours."
Jayne shuffled his feet uncomfortably for several seconds and glared around the chapel nervously. He drew himself up to his full height and puffed up his chest. "River, yer the only woman in the 'verse that I like kissin' on the mouth-" His eyes widened in horror. "Not that I been goin' 'round kissin' women on the mouth! Gorramn it, what I mean is, yer the only one I wanna kiss on the mouth an' do a lotta sexin' with an' yer the only one I ever wanna marry an' have kids with an'...Well, I love ya, an' you'll always be my Wendy-bird."
He smiled jauntily at the preacher. "I'm done now."
The preacher, who had done nothing but gape at the pair all the way through their vows nodded and and smiled tightly. "I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Jayne Michael Cobb. You may kiss-"
Jayne had already leaned down to kiss his wife, making sure to kiss her as thoroughly as possible. The preacher gazed heavenward and shook his head. Everyone whooped and Jayne pulled away, smiling happily. "We should get married more often!"
River smiled up at him serenely. "Jayne."
"My water just broke."
A/N: okay, so, don't really have many notes for this part...um, chaos is about to ensue, so I cut it off here. Can't have a crazy vs. crazy battle royale with one of them knocked up. Any questions, just ask. Reviews would be appreciated!