a completely unnecessary Family Guy parody
Chapter 8: Epilogue
Disclaimer: Family Guy and all related characters are the copyrighted property of 20th Century Fox, blah blah blah. All the characters and stuff that'll appear in the obligatory cameos and non sequiturs belong to whoever the hell owns them, yaddi yadda yadda...
Almost two months had passed since Meg's rampage through Quahog.
Slowly but surely, all traces of Meg's psychotic breakdown were being cleared away. Buildings were rebuilt, ruined roads and mangled water lines repaired, police and army vehicles replaced, and the airport, docks and power plant were all in working order again.
But perhaps most importantly, it seemed like Meg had reached a turning point in her life. After several weeks of extensive, court-ordered therapy and counseling, Meg had come to terms with everything that had happened, and finally let go of the hatred she had kept bottled up her whole life.
And now, her therapy complete, she was back with her family. At first, Meg had feared that they would despise her and shun her all over again; she HAD tried to kill them all, after all. But instead, they had welcomed her back with open arms, and did their best to help her with her therapy. It was as if this whole sad affair had taught them something as well.
And now, they were all crowded around the television, watching the evening news, and as usual Meg was lying on the floor. Before, being in that spot made her feel shut out, but now she was just glad that everything was back to normal again.
"Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin, the independent movie which was originally aimed at freaky fetishists, but gained popularity among feminists, movie monster maniacs, and other niches," said Tom Tucker. "After a successful two-month run in theaters that grossed over 200 million worldwide, the DVD will be released tomorrow."
"Well, what d'you think of that?" asked Peter, turning to Lois. "Turns out more people like the idea of a big girl running around smashing crap up than we thought."
"I'll admit it, it's nice to know not EVERYONE who went to see Meg's movie did it for kinky thrills," said Lois. "But Peter, I've been wondering...there was footage in the movie neither you or Neil filmed, stuff shot by Channel 5 News. How did you get exclusive rights to that footage?"
"Blackmailed Tom Tucker with incriminating evidence involving sleazy hookers, no doubt," said Brian nonchalantly. "Oh well, at least all the revenue from the movie is what's paying for rebuilding the entire city."
Meg let out a sigh, guilt overwhelming her once again. "Yeah, I guess so. It's just too bad nothing can be done about all the people I killed."
"Don't worry about it, Meg. Daddy took care of that too," beamed Peter. "Y'see, there a plot device that incompetent fanfiction authors have always fallen back on for years..."
Peter slowly surfaced next to his boat, wearing scuba gear. He climbed up onto the deck, holding a large, orange, glassy ball that had a single blue star on it. And waiting for him on deck was none other than Goku. "Uh, OK, just run this by me one more time...now that we have all seven of these Dragon Ball things, we get any two wishes we want, right?" asked Peter.
"Uh, that's basically it, yeah," said Goku.
"And with one of those wishes, I can bring everyone my daughter killed back to life, correct?" asked Peter.
"Uh, as long as they weren't resurrected with the Dragon Balls once already, yeah," Goku replied.
"Gotcha. But...I was wondering. Meg kinda wrecked half of Quahog, and...it's gonna cost a fortune to clean it all up. So any chance we can use the second wish to..."
"Uh, sorry, no can do," said Goku quickly. "You see, there was a big party at my house last night. Vegeta had a few too many, he tried to grope Android 18, one thing led to another, and now it's nothing but scorched earth for a five mile radius. Chi-Chi's due back home any minute, so my balls are gonna be on a plate without that second wish."
"So everything really IS back to normal after all. It's as if this whole sorry mess never happened," said Brian. "And maybe, just maybe, everyone with learn something from this sorry affair. Maybe it'll finally teach everyone how wrong it is to ostracize someone from all social circles for such petty reasons. Maybe it'll show people what kind of emotional damage that can do to a person, and how it can come back to bite everyone in the ass."
"D'you really think so, Brian?" asked Chris.
"Not for one second," said Brian darkly.
"Either way, there's antoher reason I think people around here'll think twice before they give Meg a hard time again," said Peter, sounding pleased with himself.
Meg sat up and looked to her father. "Why's that?" she asked.
"Oh, just the fact that you're stinkin' rich. Not EVERYTHING had to go to rebuilding the city, y'know," Peter replied happily. With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of money from his pocket. "There's almost forty grand here, so take it. You're the whole reason this thing got off the ground, so you get all the profit."
Meg couldn't believe it; all that leftover money, and Peter was just HANDING it over to her. That was more than enough to at least get her through her undergraduate years! As much as her father screwed up, once in a while, he really did pull through. "Thank you, Dad!" cried Meg, running to embrace Peter. Her eyes teared up, not from how the first four years of college were set for her...no, the realization that her family really did care was far more precious.
Meg warily stepped out of the station wagon. The psychologists she had seen in her mandated therapy sessions claimed she had made remarkable progress, but every day she had to step back into her high school...made her feel whatever progress she had made would be lost. Her little clique of friends welcomed her back, and of course, she would catch Neil and occassionally Sarah staring at her lustily, but she couldn't help but notice that everyone else was instinctively keeping their distance without realizing it.
At least today, things would prove to be a little different...
As she neared the doors, she overheard one of the male students. "I just got the copy of Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin! Man, I can't wait to get home and watch it. Rumor has it there's a deleted scene where Meg tackles an Eva unit. Wouldn't be surprised...Godzilla even got told by her!"
Meg turned around, seeing he was deep in conversation with another male student. "Oh please, Meg woulda gotten owned if Godzilla had put up a fight," said the second boy. "Still, I'll probably watch this thing until my eyes bleed. There's just something about seeing those big, glorious breasts bouncing around everywhere...makes me wonder why she always got a rep for being ugly and..."
His words trailed off when they noticed Meg was standing there, listening in on their conversation. However, instead of pretending as if they hadn't been talking about her, or outright shunning her, they did something that took Meg completely by surprise.
"To think we go to the same school as a movie star!" said one of the boys. "Hey, will you sign my copy of your movie?" he added, thrusting a pen and his DVD copy in front of her. The other boy did the same.
Meg hesitated, staring at the DVD copies of her movie, not sure what to think. Indeed, the whole reason for her sudden popularity was a little mortifying. Let's see, I'm famous because I starred in what was originally fetish schlock, and only gained fame after I had a mental breakdown and almost razed the whole city!? she thought to herself incredulously.
After a moment, however, Meg merely shrugged her shoulders. Oh well, like they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. Out loud, she said, "Hey, why not?" and took a pen and one of the copies. A couple of other boys, along with quite a few girls, ended up crowding around Meg as well, all wanting their copies signed as well. Meg knew this popularity wouldn't last long, but she figured she might as well enjoy it while it lasted.
Unfortunately, not everyone was about to jump on the fanboy bandwagon. "Hey Meg, you might as well make out all those signatures for eBay," came a cold, conniving voice.
Meg gritted her teeth, recognizing Connie's voice instantly. That was the one bad thing about 'everything being back to normal'...Connie was back to tormenting her as usual. But things were different now. Giant-sized or not, she wasn't going to let Connie walk all over her anymore...
Meg steeled herself and turned around, putting on what she hoped was her slyest, most calculating look. "Well well well everyone, if it isn't Connie D'Amico! Everyone, please, let's give credit where credit is due. I mean, she had a huge part in this movie, too. I mean, lots of people said on the site's forum that the scene where I ate her alive was their personal favorite..."
Connie's brow furrowed; obviously she hadn't expected Meg to fire right back with a retort. Encouraged, Meg went on. "Anyway, you seem to be in good health after Dad and I crashed that costume party last week."
Connie D'Amico was dressed as Cammy from Street Fighter, but at the moment she was stuck between Peter and Meg. Peter was dressed up as E. Honda and was using the thousand-hand slap, and Meg was dressed as Chun-Li and using the lightning kick. And poor Connie was sandwiched between both attacks, getting pummeled mercilessly.
Eventually, the abuse was too much. Connie let out a scream, and time seemed to slow to a crawl as her battered body collided with the floor. Then Peter and Meg did the victory poses for E. Honda and Chun-Li as a digitized, disembodied voice yelled, "YOU WIN!"
It wasn't long before Connie fired back, though. She leered threateningly at Meg, and said, "Well, I don't see your dad around here anywhere, so who's gonna cover your big fat ass now!?"
Meg merely smiled back. For one thing, she was through being a shrinking violet and didn't need Peter to deal with bullies anymore. But why waste her time on scum like Connie, for secondly, she had other help to call on. Meg's only response was a low whistle, which sounded suspiciously like a pigeon's call.
And before anyone could so much as blink, a swarm of pigeons flew overhead, making a 'special delivery' in the form of...
"AUUGGGHHH!" Connie shrilled as she ran inside, frantically trying to wipe away the bird excrement that now covered her.
Everyone else just laughed, further filling Meg with a sense of pride. "Glad I finally got the hang of that," she said to herself.
"Way to go, Meg!" came the voice of her brother. Meg turned to see Chris walking up to her, along with Sarah and Neil.
"But it is a shame that you're still forced to resort to such measures," said Neil. "I mean, as little as a month ago, Connie still seemed thoroughly traumatized..."
Meg had volunteered to hand back tests for the class. She passed by Sarah's desk and handed her her test, who stared back at her dreamily, and then handed back Neil's, who looked back with his usual self-satisfied, sly smirk.
Meg ignored them both and kept handing back tests, until she reached Connie's desk. Connie sat bolt-erect at her desk, quivering as if she had had too much coffee that morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide-open, and she kept muttering, "Can't sleep, Meg will eat me... Can't sleep, Meg will eat me..."
For a moment, Meg just regarded Connie with her trademark piercing, aloof glare. But then, she noisily licked her lips and clacked her teeth.
At once, Connie let out an ear-splitting shriek, clutching her heart as if she was going into cardiac arrest. Then she collapsed onto her desk, not a single muscle moving. Meg simply lifted Connie's head, placed her test on her desk, let her head drop back down, and walked away.
"Well, it's obvious Connie will never leave you alone after this," Sarah pointed out. "I guess from this point on you're just gonna have to give as good as you get."
"And I have a suggestion for your next move," Neil offered. "Chris tells me there was quite a bit of profit left over from your movie."
Meg regarded Neil carefully for a moment. "Yeah, so what?" asked Meg, suspicious of what Neil was getting at.
Neil smiled wickedly. "It's just that know of couple things you could buy that may come in handy..."
That night, at Connie's house, her friends had come over to hang out. As they were talking, the conversation inevitable steered toward Meg, and of course, Connie couldn't help but express her desire to humiliate Meg yet again.
"Uhh, Connie, are you sure that's a good idea?" asked one of her close girlfriends. "I mean, we all saw what'll happen if you push that bitch far enough."
"Look, unless she gets another piece of radioactive rock up her ass, she's fair game," Connie retorted. "And since I don't hear any tremor-inducing farts, I don't think that's happened."
This made eveyone burst out into raucous laughter. But their laughter was short-lived, for at that moment, a thunderously loud fart DID indeed shake Connie's house to its very foundation.
Everyone froze, terrified of making the slightest sound. They all were thinking the same thing: Meg was once again a 100-foot tower of psychotic terror, and was coming for them all. After a few moments, Connie worked up the courage to whisper under her breath. "Everyone...the backyard is poorly lit...let's slip out while we can..."
Seeing no ther option, Connie and her friends made their way to the back of her house, all the while fearing that a gigantic, psychotic Meg would rip off the roof at any moment. Finally, they made it to the back door. Connie cautiously opened it and bravely poked her head out, looking for any sign of the towering menace. She couldn't see Meg anywhere, but it was dark, and it was likely Meg had made her way to the front of her house. Connie wondered why there were no booming footsteps to be heard, but didn't dwell on the matter. Connie waved for her friends to follow her, then they all stealthily crept out into the backyard...
But they didn't get far before a trap sprung on them. Now all of them were dangling several feet over the ground, held by a tightly-woven net. Everyone swore vehemently and struggled, but all they accomplished was that the net swung around slightly. "What the hell!?" exclaimed Connie. "If Meg's giant again, why would she need this!?"
"Congratulations, you can put two and two together," came Meg's voice. But it wasn't oppressively loud or booming all around them. In fact, it was coming from...down below. Connie looked down, and in the darkness could make out Meg's form, still normal-sized and probably grinning smugly at them all.
"What the...what the hell is this all about!?" demanded Connie. "I mean, you...we thought...that fart..."
"Oh that? Well, it's like this. I had SO MUCH money left over from the box office sales from MY movie, my friends gave me all sorts of suggestions about how to spend it," Meg said slyly. "And one of them was to rent a van with a pimped-out sound system." With that, Meg inclined her head to her left. Connie looked over to where Meg was indicating and saw Neil and Chris, laughing hysterically. They were standing by a huge van that was parked in her backyard, and it looked like Chris had a microphone held up to his ass.
"So consider this a message, Connie," Meg went on. "If you EVER give me any trouble again, you can expect something like this."
"Oh wow, leaving us stranded in a net for a whole night, wow, that's...really devious," said Connie saracastically.
"Who said that was all I was doing?" Meg asked evilly. "Ladies, present arms!" With that, Sarah and Meg's little clique of friends stepped out of the darkness, all armed with paintball guns.
"Oh hell," muttered Connie.
And then, the night air was filled with the painful, pitiful cries of Connie and her friends as they were pelted with paintballs at point-blank range.
The dastardly deed done, Meg drove off flush with victory, her brother and friends packed into the van with her. "That takes care of that. Now it's off for a weekend at that paintball range!" Meg cried out happily. After so many weeks of therapy and trying to get a handle on her life, she was more than happy to have a little wild fun and take Neil's suggestion for a weekend vacation playing paintball. But not before sending a good-bye message to Connie, of course.
"In which my countless hours on online Halo multiplayer will no doubt come in handy," Neil chimed in. Meg shot a scything look at Neil. "Of course, hopefully we'll be on the same team, so you won't be on the receiving end," he added quickly. "And I truly hope you will be, my dear. You're still the one for me, whether or not you have a piece of radioactive alien rock up your butt."
"Yeah, whatever," Meg said tersely, returning her gaze to the road ahead. "Y'know, that reminds me: no one ever found out where that piece of rock landed. I just hope no poor girl finds it and goes through what I did..."
At that moment, halfway along the East Coast, in the community of Langley Falls, Virginia, the Smith family was stting down for a family dinner. Everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying their meal...everyone except Stan, who seemed distracted for some reason.
"Stan, what's wrong? You've hardly touched your food," inquired Francine.
"Probably mulling over the possibly that next year, he could be taking orders from a president that'll actually use his brain before deciding whether to go invade a country and blow crap up," said Hayley hotly, obviously eager to goad her father into a debate.
However, if only for the sake of keeping the peace, Stan refused to take the bait and ignored Hayley. "Well, Francine, it's just...you know how that DVD came out today?"
"You mean the movie about that girl from Quahog?" asked Francine.
"Yeah, that movie was awesome! Personally, my favorite part was when Meg sat on a tank and farted on it!" interjected Steve.
Hayley let out a disgusted sigh. "So they released a DVD that capitalized on the plight of some psychopathic girl. So what?"
"It's just that, whatever it was in her ass that transformed her...it was somehow removed, but no one's recovered it," explained Stan. "It's been bothering me ever since, and this DVD is just a reminder. Who knows where it is? What if it gets inside someone else?"
At that moment, Hayley was reaching for a huge baked potato, the biggest one on the tray. But Steve noticed this, and wanting to take it for himself, shoved a pea up his nose and then launched it at Hayley. It struck Hayley right in the eye. "OW!!" she shrieked, and Steve took the opportunity to snatch up the baked potato. Once Hayley got the pea out of her eye and saw Steve had grabbed the potato, she exclaimed, "Hey, that was mine, you little toad!"
"Enough Hayley! There's plenty to go around," Francine interjected quickly.
"Say, those are some huge potatoes, Francine," Roger noticed. "Your homemade garden is really working."
"This sort of thing's gonna be a necessity, with rising fuel costs and the resulting rise in food prices..." Hayley began.
Stan once again felt his willpower ebbing, but soon there would be something else that would demand his attention. Steve was cutting into his potato, and his knife had hit something hard. "Hey, what's this?" Steve asked as he pried open the potato...
And pulled out a finger-length sliver of pale-blue crystal.
Stan, having read all the intelligence files on the whole Meg Griffin affair, knew exactly what it was. How that mutagenic piece of crystal got from Quahog and into his family's garden was something he'd dope out another time. Now he had to get that crystal back to CIA headquarters. "Steve, gimme the crystal," said Stan authoritatively and sternly.
Perhaps predictably, Steve resisted. "Wha...hey, go find your own, this one's mine!" Stan reached out to grab it, but Steve sprang up from his chair and ran from the table. Stan quickly tackled him, and the crystal flew out of Steve's hands. It bounced off a wall, and started ricocheting all over the place. Everyone watched helplessly as it bounced around...
And finally shot right into Hayley's mouth. Stan watched with horror as Hayley gagged...and reflexively swallowed the crystal. Hayley's eyes were wide-eyed with horror and confusion, having not the slightest clue exactly what she had swallowed. Unfortunately, Stan knew exactly was it was...and what was coming.
Evidently, being an alien, so did Roger. "Uh, everyone," he began while getting up from his chair and looking as if he were ready to sprint, "I humbly suggest getting ready to run for your sad, misbegotten lives, as I am preparing to do."
"What the hell are you talking about, Roger!?" demanded Hayley. "Why are you and Dad so..." Her words trailed off as a dizzy spell seemed to wash over her.
"Honey, what's wrong!? What's going on!?" asked Francine, watching her daughter clutch her head with her hands. And then, to everyone's horror, they all saw Hayley slowly growing taller. In a few seconds, she grew so much that her chair could no longer support her weight, and it collapsed underneath her.
This shocked Hayley into opening her eyes. She looked around, terror and confusion etched on her face, her brain no doubt locked up from seeing that everything and everyone was smaller than it was supposed to be, not to mention dwindling away. The expansion of Hayley's body was quickly accelerating, and her legs pushed aside the entire dinner table as if it was made of cardboard. Her family backed away nervously, and mere seconds later, Hayley's head was pressing against the ceiling. Cracks formed immediately as her head pushed upward through the ceiling.
"EVERYBODY OUT!" screamed Stan as the walls and foundation of their house creaked all around them. Stan and the rest fled for the front door in a blind panic, and Klaus's fishbowl bounded after them, not looking back as the sounds of crumbling walls and a collapsing ceiling filled their ears.
Luckily, they made it into the front yard safely. When they all looked behind them, they were just in time to see Hayley's giant head sprout through the roof and most of the second floor crumble away. At the same time, Hayley's gigantic legs shot out through the front of the house, almost kicking her family away, and her arms lashed out from the sides, nearly punching through the neighboring houses.
For a few excruciating minutes, no one said anything. Stan and the others just stood there, simply gawking stupidly up at Hayley's now-mammoth body, and she likewise stared back down at them with a shocked look and clearly on the verge of tears.
"Well, I know Francine had talked about remodeling the place, but wasn't this a little too drastic?" Roger asked sardonically. Although someone had finally broken the silence, it was hardly in a way that would diffuse the tension.
"Oh, shut up Roger!!" thundered Hayley. Then she looked down at Stan. "Well, I think we all know where that thing in Meg Griffin's ass wound up. Now anyone at the CIA kow how to get that crystal OUT of me!?"
"Don't worry, Hayley! I'm sure the boys at the lab can whip up a giant stomach pump in no time!" Stan knew he was lying, of course. He knew full well that the doctors and engineers in Quahog had spent over a week working on that giant colonoscope, and the CIA's engineers would run into similar problems.
Hayley must've seen through her father's fib, for she glared down at him with a dubious, withering glance. However, Stan was spared when Jeff's van suddenly pulled up. Jeff stepped out, and seeing Hayley's family, asked, "Hey, what're you all doing out here? Where's Hayley?"
In unison, they all silently pointed up at Hayley's massive form. Jeff took one look up at Hayley...then promptly fainted, an impossibly wide smile of ecstacy crossing his face.
Hayley blanched. "Oh God, don't tell me HE'S got that stupid fetish too!!" she shrieked, shaking her head in disgust. "Ugh, how can this get any worse!?"
Her question was quickly answered when she heard movement behind her. Hayley glanced over her shoulder, only to see a giant-sized Sakura Kinomoto standing there, brandishing her staff. A second later, Sakura began bashing Hayley's head in with it; it wasn't long before Hayley's eyes slid out of focus and blood dribbled down her forehead, and the bashing continued...