Disclaimer: I don't own Princess Tutu, nor do I own the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas."

Notes: I hope no one has done this for Princess Tutu yet… Well anyway, watch as I brutally screw up the whole song! Anything between a () is an action/description.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

(Princess Tutu version!)

(There is a large stage in the middle of the room, with the curtains drawn. Drosselmeyer drops down onto it from a swing that lowers onto the stage. He begins talking.)

Drosselmeyer: Welcome all, to the Christmas Carol of the century! Prepare to be awed and amazed as our lovely actors sing and perform to the song, "The Twelve Days of Christmas!" Enjoy! (He laughs evilly before leaving on the swing again, as it rises up out of sight. At the same time, the curtains part, revealing a small pear tree in the midst of the stage.)

Voice from backstage: Go, Ahiru, that's your cue!

(An orange-haired girl is pushed out onto stage. She is wearing a silly duck costume.)

Ahiru (nervously, stuttering): On the f-f-first day of C-christmas, my t-true love sent to me…

(Walks to the pear tree in the middle of the stage.)

Ahiru: A duckling in a pear tree!

(Backstage:)

Aotoa: Hey, wait. Ahiru's already a duck; why does she need to wear such a stupid costume?

Fakir: Because no one would understand her quacking if she was a duck…

Aotoa: …I …see. Hey, you're up next! (Pushes Fakir out onto the stage. Fakir is wearing a green ballet costume.)

Fakir (angrily, sounding like he's reciting lines rather than singing): On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…

(Takes out script)

Fakir: Two turtle doves?

Rue (comes onto stage): Sorry, we only had pigeons. (Gives Fakir the pigeons and walks offstage. The pigeons perch on both of Fakir's shoulder.)

Ahiru: …Two turtle pigeons?

Fakir (improvises): Two UGLY pigeons… (nudges Ahiru)

Ahiru: Oh, right! (sings) And a duckling in a pear tree!

Pique: (steps out onto stage, wearing a purple dress.) On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me—

Voice from backstage: No! It's "sent to me!"

Pique: Ah, sorry! …My true love sent to me…

(Takes out three slices of bread)

Pique: Three French Toasts!

Ahiru and Fakir: (Facefall)

Pique: Hey, it's hard to get a hold of three French hens in a town like this, okay!

Fakir (muttering): Yeah, especially since this is Germany…

Pique: What?

Fakir (slightly louder, ignoring Pique's question): Two ugly pigeons!

Ahiru (singing): And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Lillie is next. She steps out onto stage, wearing a pink frilly dress decorated with lots of ribbons.)

Lillie (happily): On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me… (Takes out four cards) Four calling cards!

Pique, Fakir, and Ahiru: (Facefall)

Fakir: …Isn't it supposed to be four calling "birds?"

Lillie: I didn't know what calling birds were, so I just substituted these cards! (giggles)

Pique: …Have telephones even been invented in our time, yet? Um, anyway… Three French Toasts! (Holds up slices)

Fakir: …Two ugly pigeons…

Ahiru: And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Neko-sensei leaps onto the stage. He is wearing a white ballet costume this time.)

Neko-sensei (singing loudly and off-key): On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… (Takes out five rings, sings the next line with gusto) FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Fakir: …They look bronze to me…

Neko-sensei: I shall now pick five girls to MARRY ME, MEOW! (Wedding March plays in the background)

Pique: Hey! That wasn't in the script!

Lillie (smiling): Four calling cards!

Pique (annoyed from being ignored): Three French Toasts…

Fakir: Two ugly pigeons…

Ahiru: And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Aotoa appears on stage next. He is wearing his usual school uniform, but is covered in white feathers.)

Aotoa (saying the lines like he is reading a book out loud): On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me…

(Long pause. Everyone else turns to look at him.)

Aotoa: Oh for goodness sakes, I'm a musician, not a singer!

Ahiru: Just go along with it, or Drosselmeyer will do something bad to us!

Aotoa: (Mumbles something inaudible)

Everyone else: What?

Aotoa (shouting angrily): Six goose eggs! (Holds out the eggs)

Ahiru: …Those look more like chicken eggs to me…

Pique: Isn't it supposed to be six "geese" eggs?

Aotoa: (glares at Pique angrily) You can't use a double plural in the same sentence! Honestly, the things kids are taught these days… Besides, these eggs all came from the same chick—I mean, goose. Yes. That's what I meant. Goose.

Everyone else: (Sweatdrop)

Neko-sensei (still off-key): FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Lillie: Four calling cards!

Pique: Three French Toasts!

Fakir: Two ugly pigeons…

Ahiru: And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Malen appears next, wearing a simple blue dress. She holds up a painting that shows a lake and seven swans in it.)

Malen: On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… Seven swans a-swimming!

Ahiru: That's such a pretty painting, Malen! Did you paint that yourself?

Malen: Yes, I did.

Ahiru: You're such a good artist!

Malen: (blushes)

Aotoa (annoyed): Can we PLEASE just stop all this petty side-talk and get on with the song?

Pique: Hey! You and Malen are both wearing glasses!

Aotoa: …So?

Lillie: You two would make such a cute couple!

Aotoa: WHAT?

Malen: (blushes harder)

Lillie and Pique: Tee hee!

Aotoa: (resists urge to throw the eggs at them) …Six goose eggs…

Neko-Sensei (booming voice): FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Lillie: (Still giggling) Four calling cards!

Pique: (giggling also) Three French Toasts!

Fakir: (groans) …Two ugly pigeons…

Ahiru: And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Mytho appears next. He too is in a ballet outfit.)

Mytho (Still emotionless so he says his line in a monotone voice): On the eight day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… (Holds up hands) Eight finger puppets. (Has a little puppet on eight of his fingers.)

Everyone else: WHAT?

Fakir: That… Is totally different from the original line…

Ahiru: (Looks at script) Well, the original line was "Eight maids a-milking…"

Pique: EW! That would have been gross!

Aotoa: ANYWAY… Let's get on with this stupid play; not like anyone can bear to listen to this awful din that you call "singing."

Fakir: …Says the guy whose name is spelled the same backwards as it is forwards.

Aotoa: EXCUSE me?

Malen (nervously, trying to divert a fight): Er, seven swans a-swimming!

Aotoa: (sighs) Six goose eggs…

Neko-Sensei: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Lillie (Is the only one still enjoying herself by now): Four calling cards!

Pique: Three French Toasts! Oh no, they're getting cold!

Fakir: (rolls eyes) …Two ugly pigeons…

Ahiru: And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Rue steps out next. She is wearing her signature red ballet outfit, and has eight other ballerinas with her.)

Rue (singing): On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… Nine ladies dancing!

(She and the other ballerinas perform a lengthy dance routine and when they are finally done, the other ballerinas leave the stage.)

Fakir: …Are you quite done, now?

Rue (smiling slyly): Quite.

Mytho: Eight finger puppets. (wiggles fingers)

Malen: Seven swans a-swimming!

Aotoa: …Six goose eggs. I think they're starting to crack… That can't be a good sign…

Neko-Sensei: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! And now, all the girls on stage will have to MARRY ME!

Ahiru (annoyed): Stop ad-libbing!

Lillie: Four calling cards!

Pique: Three French Toasts! (Takes a bite out of one) Wow, these are pretty tasty…

Fakir: ARG! One of the birds pooped on me!

Ahiru: (sweatdrops, finished the next line quickly) And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Next up is Femio, who is wearing that weird ballet outfit of his again.)

Ahiru: Oh no, not HIM…

Femio: (singing with a heavy accent) On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me! (Throws roses to all the girls on stage, who look at him oddly.) Ten lords a-leaping! (Does a large leap)

Malen: Um, aren't there supposed to be nine other guys?

Femio: Ah, there is no need, my fair lady, for my greatness fills that of ten people.

Malen: Er…

Fakir: …Who the heck is this guy?

Aotoa: …And is he always this arrogant?

Rue: …You guys have never met him properly yet, have you?

Lillie: Let's get on with the song…

Rue: Nine ladies dancing!

Fakir: Do NOT put in another lengthy dance routine, please.

Mytho: Eight finger puppets.

Malen: Seven swans a-swimming.

Aotoa: Six goose—they're hatching!

(Everyone except the guys crowd around to see. Indeed, six chicks are hatching from the eggs.)

Pique: Aww, how cute!

Ahiru: (truimphantly) I knew those were chicken eggs!

Lillie: (giggles) They think you're their mother!

Aotoa: …Great. Just what I needed. MORE pests…

Neko-sensei: (trying to hold back anger) …Can we please just continue on with the song?

(Everyone returns to their places.)

Aotoa: Six chicks a-chirping...

Ahiru: Actually, they make more of a "peep" sound…

Aotoa: Does it MATTER?

Neko-sensei: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! MARR—

Lillie: (interrupts Neko-sensei before he can continue his outburst) Four calling cards!

Pique: Three French toasts...

Fakir: …There's only TWO left…

Pique: (looks guilty) I was hungry!

Fakir: (sweatdrops) Two STUPID pigeons…

Ahiru: (Pokes a pear on the tree) Hey, these are fake!

Everyone else: AHIRU!

Ahiru: Ack! Sorry! (sings) And a duckling in a pear tree!

(Next out is none other than Uzura. She is totting along her little drum)

Uzura: On the eleventh day of Christmas, my lovey-dovey sent to me! (Bangs drum eleven times) Eleven drum beats, zura!

Rue: …Isn't the drummer supposed to come LAST?

Fakir: …I don't think anyone cares by now…

Ahiru: Well, this IS Drosselmeyer's play…

Femio: Ten lords a-leaping! (Jumps and flashes a smile at the girls, but since he's not looking at where he's going, he crashes into a stage wall.)

Rue: (sweatdrops) …Uh…Nine ladies dancing!

Mytho: …Eight finger puppets.

Malen: Seven swans a-swimming!

Aotoa: Six chicks—(glares at Ahiru)—a-peeping…

Neko-sensei: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS!

Lillie (still smiling, after all this time): Four calling cards!

Pique: Three—well, it's only two now… Might as well eat them all…

Fakir: Arg, the OTHER bird pooped on me!

Ahiru (finishes quickly): And a duckling in a pear tree!

(They all wait in silence.)

Ahiru: Hey, wait; who's the last person?

Fakir: Do we even KNOW any other people?

(Suddenly, one of the spotlights shine brightly towards the middle of the stage, and down from the ceiling, appears a swing, and…)

Everyone: Drosselmeyer!

Ahiru (shocked): I thought you died already!

Fakir: (angrily, grabbing up a sword) Let me kill him once and for all!

Mytho: … (looks slightly scared, but since he's still emotionless, it's kind of hard to tell.)

Rue: (defensively) Stay away from Mytho!

Aotoa: (To Drosselmeyer) I'm your biggest fan!

Fakir: AOTOA! This man's a sadist, and he's the one who's controlling this whole story!

Neko-Sensei: Meow? Who's that guy? I've never seen him before…

Malen: He looks scary…

Femio: He has awful fashion sense…

Pique: (scared) If he's supposed to be dead… Then that means he's a ghost, right?

Lillie: (totally not scared) Yay!

Pique: …yay? Lillie, what…?

Uzura: (excitedly) I remember you somewhere, zura!

Drosselmeyer: (in a booming voice) EVERYONE, SILENCE!

(Everyone quiets)

Drosselmeyer: Now, let's just finish this play smoothly, alright?

Fakir: (still wielding sword) Now why should we listen to you?

Drosselmeyer: If you don't do as I say, I'll relate all the embarrassing memories you have through a long and painful flashback!

Fakir: …Fair enough.

Drosselmeyer: Good! Now that that's settled…

(Orchestra starts up.)

Drosselmeyer: (singing) On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me… Twelve singers singing!

Uzura: Eleven drum beats, zura! (beats drum happily)

Femio: Ten lords a-leaping! (leaps into the air, careful to see where he's landing)

Rue: Nine ladies dancing! (twirls on the spot)

Mytho: (still monotone) Eight Finger puppets. (wiggles fingers again)

Malen: (holding up painting) Seven swans a-swimming!

Aotoa: …Six chicks a-peeping. (The chicks are all around him now)

Neko-sensei: FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! MEOW!

Lillie: (still smiling) Four calling cards!

Pique: Three eaten toasts! (rubs stomach)

Fakir: (really sarcastically) Two LOVELY presents…

All, scaring Ahiru: AND A DUCKLING IN A PEAR TREE!

Ahiru: (surprised) Quack! (turns into a duck)

(The curtains fall)

The End!

Notes: As funny as it seems, I actually wrote this in the summer, but I've been saving it until now. Sorry if the characters were a bit OCC. And if you've noticed that I pick on Aotoa all the time, it's not because I hate him. He's actually one of my favorite characters in the series. Which is why it's so fun to pick on him.

Happy holidays, everyone! And Happy New Year! Hope you enjoyed reading this fanfic as much as I did writing it!