Blair Waldorf Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah

"Hey, Blair, what's going on? Did you leave something here the other day?"

"Bass, I need your help."

"Me? Help? You?"

"You. Help. Me."

Pause.

"Now!"

--CB--

"Did you have to yank my hand so hard? That'll leave a bruise, you know."

"Bass, you should be thankful you aren't bruised in a more valuable place."

"Are you admitting that there are parts of me that are valuable?"

"Hey, uselessness is relative."

"That hurts, Waldorf."

"I thought it was your arm that hurt, you big baby."

"Ouch! Why'd you pinch it again, then?"

"To get you to snap out of it! I didn't drag you out here for my own amusement, that's for sure."

"So why am I here again?"

"To. Help. Me."

"Well, yeah, I knew that."

"Then why did you ask me?"

"I was hoping some more specific details could be provided as to the nature of my work. I might not be helpful. For example, if the task requires the use of my left arm, I will not be very useful."

"Can you be quiet for ten seconds? You are actively not helping at the moment."

"Yeah, talking to you as you read the MapQuest directions for the millionth time is really going to distract you. Why couldn't we take a taxi?"

"Because I don't know exactly where we're going, okay?"

"Then how do you plan to get there?"

"By using my wits."

"Hey, then I could help you."

"With your non-existent wit?"

"Again, ouch. I'm delicate."

"Am I too harsh for your pretty-boy sensibilities, Bass?"

"Speaking of delicate pretty-boys, why isn't Nathaniel here helping you?"

"He's just not."

"You two haven't broken up, have you?"

"That sounded almost like an expression of concern, Bass. You better be careful or someone might mistake you for a nice person."

"Hey, I'm watching out for you here. You know Natie-boy calls me begging to get V.I.P. access at Victrola whenever he's…well, you know. And then you wouldn't have my charming presence to aid you in your demented, manic quest."

"I do not need to hear that about my boyfriend."

"Oh, you and Nate are still dating?"

"Was that…disappointment? Bass, even if there was no other person on earth would we ever be together."

"So what was the night you and Nate broke up?"

Pause.

"Or the night of your birthday, when Nate was a no-show?"

Pause.

"Was there a gun to your head, forcing you?"

"We have already discussed this, Bass. Those nights never happened. 'We' never happened."

"Really? How'd you get that Erickson-Beaumon necklace Nate found in your nightstand?"

"Chuck. Please."

"Just curious."

"Can you please drop it?"

"…Fine."

"Anyway, Nate is not here because although God knows I love the boy, he does not have the intellectual depth or the emotional sensitivity to help me."

"True that."

--CB--

"Are we there yet? We've been walking forever."

"It's been twenty minutes. How ever do you stand those transcontinental plane flights?"

"With my personal DVD player. You are not very entertaining."

"What, do you want for me to dance or something?"

"Actually-"

"Don't answer that."

--CB--

"So…are we there yet?"

"If we were there, would we still be walking down the street?"

"You could have just said no."

"Thought I'd just point out the obvious "

"So did I."

--CB--

"This is where you were leading me too? Beth Shalom Synagogue? Are you joking?"

"Hush. They're in the middle of a service."

"On Saturday morning?"

"Saturday is the Jewish holy day of Shabbat, idiot."

"You couldn't take a taxi here?"

"I didn't know I was going to this temple, exactly. I was just looking for one."

"You don't think a taxi driver would have known where one was?"

"How many Jews do you know that drive taxis? Or taxi drivers that speak that good of English?"

"Blair, that is a little culturally insensitive. I might be standing here with Nathaniel."

"Please, please, please be quiet while I look around."

"By the way, how many taxi drivers are you suggesting I associate with?"

"Bass…"

"I do have a limo, you know. I don't actually take a taxi anywhere."

"Shhh."

"Thank God for that, by the way. I hear taxis are very unsanitary."

"Bass! Shut up!"

--CB--

"Why are we whispering?"

"Because I am giving you instructions that I don't want the person behind that door to hear."

"Who is in there?"

"The rab-ee."

"Rabbi, you mean?"

"Rab-ee, rab-eye, whatever. Just listen."

"I'm listening attentively."

"Do you even know the meaning of those words?"

"Sort of."

--CB--

"Hello, Rabbi Goldenstein! My name is Blair Waldorf and this is my friend Michael Cohen."

"Happy Hanukkah, Ms. Waldorf and Mr. Cohen. It is nice to meet you both."

"We saw your service earlier and it was lovely."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Ms. Waldorf."

"Yes, it was my first Jewish service ever."

"Ah, you aren't Jewish?"

"Well, no, I'm Episcopal. Well, atheist is more accurate, I suppose. Though I was in a Catholic church just the other week. I like to think of myself as religiously diverse."

"Really."

"Yes, however, that is beside the point. See, my friend Michael here is Jewish."

"Really?"

"Yes, well, born one, at least. His mother was Jewish but never raised him in the faith, but he was always…spiritually…devoted. That's why we're here; he's wanted to take a more traditional role in religion for a while."

"And…is the boy mute?"

"Oh, no, he's just nervous. Strange, he usually isn't. He was just so excited to meet you that I think he's overcome. Aren't you, Michael?"

"…Of course. Nice to meet you, Rabbi, I'm…er…Michael."

"So Michael, what exactly is it you are looking to do?"

"Well, I know it's too late to get bar-mitzvahed, but-"

"Oh, it's never too late. We have classes starting every semester for adult bar-mitzvahs. The next session begins in February, if you'd like me to sign you up."

"Well, actually, I was hoping to ease myself in a bit, just attend some services first."

"That's very understandable."

"The thing is, this isn't exactly a local temple for me."

"What's Michael's trying to say, Rabbi, is that he was wondering if there was a temple location a bit closer to his home that he could attend."

"That's certainly possible, yes. Where did you say you lived again?"

--CB--

"Blair, I'm wearing a yarmulke."

"Of course you are, Michael. You are interested in being a more traditional Jew, it's only natural."

"This wasn't exactly how I'd pictured spending my Saturday."

"Bass, do this for me."

"Who else would I do this for? The yarmulke doesn't exactly accentuate my cheekbones, so I'm clearly not doing this for me."

"And Bass, try to be pleasant while doing it."

"Hey, you can't have everything."

"So why are we at this particular temple again, where we know nobody?"

"That's not exactly true, Bass."

"What do you mean?"

"The new head of Sak's fashion design branch moved into the apartment across from mine."

"And?"

"She's Jewish."

"So she automatically goes to this particular temple?"

"She mentioned to the doorman that she went to a one very near the apartment building when he offered to hail her a taxi when she went to services last Friday and she declined."

"So how does this affect you, exactly?"

"Well, my mother wants to find out what the woman likes, doesn't like, etc., before she tries to convince her into selling the Eleanor Waldorf line."

"And all you knew about her was that she was Jewish?"

"Well, the doorman was my only source, so yes."

"You'd make a horrible private investigator."

"Good thing I have greater ambitions than being the next Veronica Mars, then."

"So when do we expect to meet her here?"

"After the service they apparently usually have a little get-together where everyone says prayers. Or something."

"You couldn't pretend to be Jewish yourself?"

"Um, that cover would be blown fairly quickly when she met my mother, wouldn't it?"

"Hmm. True."

"Besides, this way you have an excuse to go up to people and introduce yourself as a new part of the community, discover their name and occupations, and then I have a reason for knowing about this woman's work."

"Good plan."

"Also, I come off as a great person for accompanying my poor, soul-searching friend to a temple on my Saturday night."

"Man, the way you tell it I am getting major karma points for helping you right now."

"Bass, be quiet, the service is ending. Can you see which room they're heading to? Follow them."

--CB--

"Thank you for helping me tonight, Bass."

"I would say 'no problem'…but I'd be lying."

"Really, Bass, I'm trying to thank you over here. Do you mind?"

"Relax, Blair. Can't you call me by my first name anymore?"

Pause.

"Mmph! What was that?"

"A thank-you kiss."

"But…you…have Nate…why are you smiling?"

"Happy Hanukkah, Chuck."

Pause.

Pause.

"Is there any point to telling you I'm not actually Jewish?"

--CB--

There is no excuse for this fic, other than I suppose the fact that I am currently celebrating Hanukkah with my family (yes, I am Jewish, which is why I know 'rabbi' is pronounced 'rab-eye'). I wanted to know how Blair and Chuck would handle the holiday spirit coming a little early. It was intended to be a drabble written for blairchuckdaily but during its writing accidentally acquired a plot, so I had to finish it out. Yes, I am aware that I wrote about 6-7 times more words than in a drabble, which is why it is not posted at my favorite drabble comm. Sorry guys! Also, I have no idea why the entire thing is in dialogue. It just stared out mostly dialogue and then I wondered if I could do the whole thing that way. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy my contribution to the Hanukkah spirit. And the Blair/Chuck ship. Whatever.

Also, don't worry, I am working on the next chapter of TTO as we speak. Well, not exactly, I'm currently typing this, but I have plans to continue TTO in a bit. Once I solve my newly purchased Rubik's Cube. I suck at it, btw.

Remember, feedback is always lovely!