Nagini and the sexy snake charmers- a misnomer if ever there was one.

NOTE: do not read this if you have any sensitivity to the parody of Harry Potter characters. Also if you are in any way homophobic perhaps it would be better if you tossed off right now. Thanks.

Most characters are not my own but the legal property of Joanne Kathleen Rowling.

PART ONE

Imagine that your sight is being brought through a large, long stain – glassed window of a massive mansion. That's where we shall begin. Alternatively, If this was a movie, the camera would show you a massive mansion and then go through a large, long, stained-glass window. It's not a movie but you get the picture.

A very withered man sits in a high – backed chair, wrapped in a blanket with a snake wrapped around one arm of the chair. There's no need for me to tell you his name is there? He sits atop a long table surrounded by his many advisors. He is dying and must put his affairs in order. He speaks in a wheezy voice.

Voldesex: Before I die, there is many people that I'd like to sue, or kill slowly, for copyright….em..(cough)…let's see...aha…Lord Montymort; Kill. Voldemart stores…stab. Lord Vernon Monstermart; Send a poisonous howler. Harry Potter….no copyright involved but let me stab him anyway and send him a very unpleasant letter. Yes. That will be most unpleasant for him. As for annoying Salazar Emmet Herbert Olympus Lemony Elongatus….send him a frog, filled with pomporey …but also…leprosy!

Advisor 1: Perhaps master we could….

Voldesex: Silence Wormtail!

Advisor 1: I just wanted to say…

Voldesex: I may be on my last breath so we must select a suitable heir for my dark kingdom and the knight eaters of Death. ( the motto is I could eat a death at knight )….my breath is failing me….

DROPS DEAD

….But who really cares. What we all want to know is what Wormtail was trying to say so hear it is.

Wormtail: I need to use the bathroom.

You see Voldemort and Wormtail usually went to the bathroom together. It was almost a ritual at this point in time.

Advisor 2: Certainly what the Dark Lord was trying to say was that I, Severus Snape, must follow in his footsteps and….

Advisor 3: Die. Yes that would be best. In fact it's the best idea you've ever had, Sev. And I, Lucius Sextoy ( formally Malfoy. Changed for a more adequate stage name) shall be KING!!!

Advisor 2 (Snape): King of the Gays, perhaps ….we all know your secret, Malfoy, but I shall be king of the Dark Kingdom!

Advisor 3 (sextoy): But, semenface, it is widely known that my sister's, step-brother's, father's, wife's, step-mother's, grandmother was in fact Voldemort's mother so I am closer to him in line!

Snape: Yes but your grandmother's, step-son's, daughter's, son is also that scum George W. Bush….so…

Lucius: And what connection do you have to the Dark Lord?

Snape: I was his beloved spy at Hogwarts, his right-hand man whereas you were merely his bit on the sside!!

Wormtail (quietly): What?

Lucius: Fine! We shall solve this with a duel…

Would we like to see this duel? I think not….I think we'd rather see what Wormtail was doing in the meantime…Yes.

Well…at first, he was slightly annoyed at Snape's revealation…then frightened of the argument…so he went to the bathroom…then he went to the kitchen. Had some cheese, milk and cookies. When he returned, the men where neck and neck in the fight…he feared for Nagini so he set her free…He then feel asleep wrapped in Voldemort's arms…

As for the duel…neither died…Rookwood got caught in the middle, lost his head, tripped pushing Dolohov into the fire, Dolohov fell out again pushing Bellatrix and Rodolphus (who were making-out fiercely) out the window…The rest had fled…some in search of Nagini, who had the Elder Wand stuck between her teeth…these later died in a car-crash...some like Wormtail needed the bathroom while Crabbe and Goyle senior just remembered they had left their burgers in danger of being shot at…in their Beetles (the car not the animal) which were parked in the dangerous part of town, notorious for gun-crime.

As for Lucius and Severus…well…their fight ended in a physical brawl on the floor…which later led to…

Hold on. Wormtail just did something interesting….no he's just picking his nose…never mind…

Lucius realised Snape had very nice, however cold…

Wait I think Wormtail has realised what he's done in releasing Nagini….no he's realising that a hair-dryer emits warm air and is trying to heat up Voldemort….

As for Lucius he realises he mistook his love of Snape for loathing and tries to kiss him…

Voldemort is moving……but it's just the body's reflexes slowing down….

Snape thinks there's something on his face…..

Snape: What?

Lucius: I love you!

Snape: GET OFF!

Lucius: Please!

Snape: Go back to Narcissa before I do!

Lucius: Be my guest…as long as I can kiss your…

Now Wormtail realises his mistake and is on the hunt….

Snape: Yes, ok.

Lucius: If I get it first…I'll be King and you''ll be my Queen.

Snape: But if I do, I'll be king and you're dead meat.

Lucius: Agreed.

They are not talking about Nacissa's heart or anything else of hers…ahem…but the Elder Wand. It took Snape at least two hours…and a lot of 'Cillit Bang'…to pry Lucius away from him (Lucius can be clingy you know)long enough to tell him Peter had left a note detailing his idea that whoever managed to get the wand from Nagini and own it would be the next leader…who ever though someone who spent most of their life as a rat could be that clever…

COMING SOON:…The tale of chivalry, a quest to find the Elder Wand….no they don't go hand in hand at all. More like: cowardice, back-stabbing, sex and magic…and even a little rock'n'roll….

Or maybe I'll give up on the idea altogether and write a story about Dumbledore's love affairs with other homosexual men….hmm….now that's an idea….