Yes this is a silly holiday-ish story with the Voyager characters. I own nothing except my brain and then some…………
The Voyager was flying at warp speed, passing by al sorts of stars, trying to get past the Delta Quadrant paparazzi before they could see what the Voyager crew were really doing on the ship.
Tom Paris was at the helm station, his feet propped up on the station, sitting back, and reading a newspaper. "Wait a minute, I can read?!"
Paris, shocked as he was, threw the newspaper away, as he remembered that he can't read. Daddy and Mommy were awful parents. Never taught ol' Tommy about the birds and the bees either, but Tommy boy sure found out quick, didn't you Tommy? "Yes, I sure did!" Tom said, smiling like a moron and nodding his head like a buffoon.
Captain Katherine Janeway was in her command chair as her first officer, Commander Chakotay, or "Janeway's lap dog" as the crew liked to refer to him, was in his chair staring at her while drooling like an animal in heat.
"Can we go in your ready room now?" Chakotay asked.
Janeway was getting freaked out from Chakotay staring at her. She poked him in the eyes to fix the problem. "No," Janeway bluntly said.
Chakotay started to rub his eyes. "Fuck!"
As the banter between Janeway and Chakotay came to a hault, Neelix, the annoying Talaxian who somehow shagged the one dimensional personality, girl from next door, but hot Kes, a young Ocampan, walked on the bridge as his usual over cheering, chipper self.
Neelix walked over to Tuvok, the chief of security for the ship. "Guess what today is Mr. Vulcan?"
"Why aren't you dead yet?" Tuvok smugly said.
Neelix playfully punched Tuvok. "No silly billy. You know you wouldn't be the same without me."
"Ten bucks says I would be," Tuvok said.
"Today is Christmas," Neelix continued, looking at everybody.
Ensign Harry Kim, the ship's chief operations officer, started to jump up and down for joy, like the man child he is. "I wonder what Santa brought me today."
"Sure wasn't that promotion you asked for," Janeway started to laugh.
The entire bridge started to laugh with Janeway, but Harry started to cry like a little school girl.
"How come you repromoted Tom to lieutenant junior grade and yet I'm still an ensign?" Harry asked, still crying like a pansy.
"Oh god Harry, if you're going to cry like a kid, I might as well stick out my tits for you to suck on," Janeway replied.
"Can I suck on them Captain?" Chakotay started to get all excited.
Janeway slapped her first officer. "No."
"If I want to suck on someone's tits, its going to be mine," Harry responded pointing to his chest.
Everyone looked baffled and confused. They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
"Torres to the bridge," B'Elanna Torres, the chief enginner said through the comm channel.
"Go ahead," Chakotay said.
"Nothing, just wanted to get myself in the story somehow. Torres out," the chief engineer said.
"That was nice of her to call up and say hi," Chakotay said.
"Oh and I'm naked down here in the engine room and I love it," Torres interrupted. "Torres now out," B'Elanna said again through the channel.
"Anyway, I think we need to pass out presents to everyone," Neelix suggested, getting back to the reason why he showed his ugly furball face on the bridge.
"That would put a potential drain on the ship's power," Tuvok pointed out.
"Damn it, why in the hell are you on the bridge anyway?" Janeway asked, her eyes looking sharply at the Talaxian wearing gay looking clothes not even a homeless person would want to wear, even if they got them for free. "Didn't I ban you from coming up here?"
Suddenly the lights on the bridge got dark. Somehow the Los Angeles Lakers cheerleaders appeared on the bridge. They started to do some dancing to some techno music that went through the speakers on the bridge.
They disappeared after the music ended. The lights on the bridge went back to normal illumination.
"This just in," Torres interrupted again through the communication channel. "CNN has just learned that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are mutated turtles who are teenagers trained in the art of the ninja," Torres explained. "More on this story as it develops."
"I know I can't wait for more," Tom said. "Their my heroes."
"You don't like my Christmas idea?" Neelix asked, again trying to get back on subject.
"We're still trying to figure how you ended up with Kes," Paris commented.
Suddenly Bob Saget, from Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos, appeared on the bridge.
"Hi everyone, I'm television personality Bob Saget, Bob said in a friendly voice, waiving at everyone.
Bob Saget then disappeared from the bridge.
Commander Chuckles looked around to his shipmates. "Who was that?"
"Bob Saget," Paris answered. "Didn't you hear? And people say I'm dumb."
"That's because you are, dumbass," Tuvok pointed out.
"I um………eh…..oooooo…..I forgot what I was going to say. Never mind," Torres interrupted again through the comm channel.
Neelix decided to change the subject yet again. "Or how about we sing Christmas carols."
"Shit! You motherfucking head of a horse pile with cats licking my poo. I can't take it anymore!" Tuvok yelled out.
The Vulcan grabbed a phaser and vaporized Neelix.
Neelix was no more. Everyone on the bridge cheered.
Janeway tapped a button the terminal between her and Chakotay. "This is the captain, Mr. Neelix is dead."
Thunderous applause and cheers through the comm channel could be heard.
"That is all," Janeway said as she turned off the communication channel. "Merry Christmas to all, because Mr. Neelix is dead."
Suddenly it strangely started to snow on the bridge.
Everyone started to sing a new version of "Joy To The World" called "Joy To The World, Neelix Is Dead".