Disclaimer: I'd love to own Akatsuki. I don't think they'd let me. What do you think?
It's Mika-chan! And my first holiday fanfic! I was going to do this with Organization 13, but I decided to do Akatsuki instead. Let the randomness begin!
"Sasori! Get your ass out here!"
Akasuna no Sasori was in his room, fixing a puppet, when he heard Hidan yelling. This was a regular occurrence in Akatsuki; there was hardly ever a day when Hidan hadn't yelled or cursed once. Acting on a suggestion from Tobi, the Akatsuki was celebrating Christmas, much to the annoyance of many members. Sasori had wanted no part in the holiday festivities and had barricaded himself in his room to work on his puppets. Now the rest of the organization was setting up Christmas decorations and Sasori was trying to avoid doing anything holiday related at all costs.
"Sasori!" Hidan continued yelling.
"What, Hidan?" Sasori yelled back, pretending he didn't hear the Jashinist the first time, though he knew that it was impossible to not hear Hidan yelling.
"Get your ass out here!" came Hidan's reply. "Deidara's screwing with the lights again!"
Sasori rolled his eyes and left his room. Upon entering the living room, his eyes met complete and utter chaos. Itachi and Kisame were having a hard time putting up the Christmas tree. Deidara was sitting on the floor with a giant mass of tangled Christmas lights in front of him. Tobi and Konan were attempting to move the furniture out of the way. Kakuzu was alone at the kitchen table, most likely doing something with money.
"What are you doing, Hidan?" Sasori asked the Jashinist, who was sitting in the middle of the floor, reading his Bible.
"Reading." Hidan said.
"Why?" Sasori raised his eyebrows.
"Because I don't believe in Christmas." Hidan said simply.
"I don't either, but that doesn't mean that you can't help." Sasori said.
He walked over to Deidara, who was trying to untangle the Christmas lights.
"Having some trouble, Dei?"
"Can't I just blow this up?" Deidara asked with all due seriousness.
"No, you can't." Sasori said, sitting down and helping Deidara with the mass of lights. "Are we looking for a burnt bulb?"
"We're just untangling them, hmm." Deidara said. "The last time we had Christmas, Hidan was in charge of the lights, remember?"
"Of course I do." Sasori smiled.
Hidan had been in charge of running the lights throughout the hideout. Once Christmas was over and it was time to take the decorations down, Kakuzu had told Hidan that he had to wrap the string of lights neatly, so they wouldn't get tangled. Of course, Hidan isn't known for his patience, so he threw the lights in the box without properly packing them.
"Are you implying that I didn't do my job right?" Hidan questioned, closing his bible and joining Deidara and Sasori.
"I'm saying that if you did it properly, Hidan, we wouldn't be doing this." Sasori said.
"Hidan, are you doing anything useful?" Kisame was heard from over in the far corner.
"I'm staying out of the way." The Jashinist happily replied.
"Make yourself useful." Konan said. "Help Tobi move the couch over to the wall."
"Tobi can do it himself." Hidan said.
"But it's too heavy!" Tobi complained.
"Shut it, Tobi!" Deidara yelled. "You're getting on my nerves!"
Once the lights were untangled, Deidara brought the cord over to the outlet by the TV and plugged it in. When none of the lights went on, Itachi said, "Ok, who broke the lights?"
"Hidan?" Kakuzu questioned, looking up from whatever he was doing that was probably money related.
"Why the fuck are you guys always blaming me?" Hidan demanded.
"Because you usually cause things to go wrong." Konan said.
Itachi walked away from the tree, hoping it would stand up.
"Does this look even?" he asked.
"Looks fine to me." Tobi said.
"Where are Leader and Zetsu?" Sasori asked.
"They're out looking for more lights." Konan said. "Kisame short circuited the last set, remember?"
"That wasn't my fault!" Kisame said quickly.
"Why were you practicing around the lights anyway?" Sasori asked. "You know water and electricity don't go well together."
"I wasn't thinking." Kisame said.
"Pulling a Hidan, eh?" Kakuzu smiled.
Hidan glared at his partner, but didn't say anything.
"Seriously!" Deidara yelled in annoyance. "Am I going to have to go through every single bulb to find the one that went out, hmm?"
"Every single one." Konan said.
"I'll help, Deidara." Sasori said.
"Thanks, hmm." Deidara said, still annoyed.
"Hidan, help bring up the tree ornaments, ok?" Itachi said.
"I'll be doing something anyway…" Hidan said as he followed Itachi down the steps to the basement.
"It'll be quiet for a bit." Tobi said.
"Now I can concentrate." Kakuzu said.
"What are you even doing?" Konan asked.
"Figuring out how much this is going to cost us." Kakuzu replied, leaning back in his chair.
"The same as always, hmm." Deidara said.
"With the lights, it's extra." Kakuzu replied.
"You can figure that out later." Sasori said.
Suddenly something crashed down in the basement, followed by yells that could only belong to a certain Jashinist. Soon Itachi and Hidan could be heard arguing.
"Watch where you're going, Hidan!"
"It's not my goddamn fault!"
"Yes it is!"
"How the fuck is it my fucking fault?"
"You saw it!"
"Saw what, exactly?"
Sasori rolled his eyes. Itachi and Hidan got into arguments fairly often. And when they fought, it was long and loud.
"The box, you idiot!"
"How could I?" came Hidan's reply. "You were in front of me!"
"But you saw it on the way down!"
Deidara walked over to the top of the steps and yelled down, "Hidan, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything!"
Just like Hidan. Always trying to put the blame on everyone but himself.
"He dropped the box of ornaments." Came Itachi's voice.
"Just bring the stuff up." Konan shouted. "We'll see the damage."
"There won't be any fucking damage."
Hidan and Itachi emerged a few minutes later, both carrying several boxes. The two set the boxes down on the floor by the couch.
"Which is the box that was dropped?" Tobi asked.
"This one." Itachi pointed to a clearly abused box.
"There wasn't anything glass inside, was there?" Sasori asked.
"I don't think so." The Uchiha replied.
"Hidan, stick your hand in and see if there's anything glass in it." Kisame said.
"Why me?" the Jashinist demanded.
"Because you dropped the damn thing." Deidara said, still working on the lights. "I'd like some help, Danna!" he said to Sasori, who had joined Konan and Kakuzu in the kitchen.
"Sorry about that, Deidara." Sasori walked back over to his partner.
"How many boxes are left?" Kisame asked.
"A few." Itachi answered, going through a box.
"Come on, Tobi." Kisame said. "Hidan would probably drop another one."
"Would you guys shut the fuck up?" Hidan yelled.
"You never do, so why should we?" Kakuzu smiled.
"Don't get in a fight now." Kisame said as he followed Tobi down to the basement.
"You don't know how annoying it is that you can't die." Hidan said, glaring at Kakuzu.
"It's handy, isn't it?" the stitched-nin replied.
Deidara was holding up a light, obviously happy.
"Good, Dei." Itachi said. "Do we have a replacement?"
"I think so, hmm." Deidara said.
He searched the box and found a spare bulb. After changing the bulb, the bomb expert plugged the lights back into the outlet. This time, the whole strand lit up.
"Now that that crisis is over with, let's put them on the tree." Itachi said.
"You do that, Danna." Deidara said.
Sasori scowled, but joined Itachi in putting up the lights.
"When are Pein and Zetsu getting back?" Konan asked, making origami cranes.
"How the fuck would we know?" Hidan asked. "He's your partner."
"Hopefully soon." Sasori said. "I don't think we'll have enough lights for the tree."
"Oh, that's a tragedy." Hidan said sarcastically as Kisame and Tobi came up with the rest of the boxes.
"Tobi, why did you decide on celebrating Christmas this year?" Kakuzu asked. "We didn't do anything last year."
"I felt like celebrating this year." Tobi replied.
The bolder guarding the cave was opened and Pein and Zetsu walked inside, both carrying shopping bags.
"How far did you guys have to go?" Deidara asked.
"Konoha." Zetsu's white side replied. "No one knows us there."
"I see you got the lights untangled, Deidara." Pein said.
"And found the burnt out one." Deidara said, searching the fridge for sakè.
"How many strands did you get?" Itachi asked Pein.
"A few boxes." The Akatsuki leader replied.
"We're almost out of lights." Konan told her partner. "And we haven't started on the room yet."
"What about the other set?" Pein frowned.
"Kisame ruined it, remember?" Kakuzu pointed out.
"Oh yeah." Pein said. He turned to Itachi and said, "Well, here are the lights."
Itachi retrieved the lights from Pein and joined Sasori back at the tree.
"Itachi, do you want me to get the ornaments out?" Hidan said in a bored voice.
"The ones that aren't broken, yeah." Itachi said.
"Why would they be broken?" Zetsu's white side asked as he was watering poinsettias.
"Hidan dropped the box." Tobi said in a somewhat hurt voice.
"It wasn't my fucking fault!" The Jashinist yelled.
"Do we really have to go over this again?" Itachi asked.
"I would rather not." Hidan said.
"Did anything break?" Zetsu's white side asked.
"We're not sure." Kisame said. "We haven't opened it yet."
"What was in it?" Pein asked as he started making dinner: chicken with rice.
"Ornaments." Tobi said.
"Is the shower open?" Zetsu's white side asked.
"Do you see anyone missing?" Konan asked.
"I'm going to shower off." Zetsu's black side answered.
Zetsu walked off, leaving the rest of the organization to put up ornaments. Deidara kept trying to put bombs disguised as doves on the tree, but Itachi caught him.
"But I'm putting art on the tree, hmm." Deidara said.
"Deidara, don't even start." Kakuzu said.
"But I am!" Deidara protested.
"I meant, don't start talking about art." The stitched-nin rephrased his sentence.
"Do you see Sasori talking about how his puppets are art?" Kisame asked.
"Sometimes…" Deidara said.
"That's because you two get into arguments over it." Konan said.
"Arguments over what?" Tobi asked.
"The definition of art." Kisame explained.
"Art is supposed to be everlasting." The puppet master said simply. "How is it art if it dies out after a few seconds?"
"That's my point, hmm!" Deidara exclaimed, "The explosion is the best part!"
"But we don't see explosions in museums, now do we?" Sasori rolled his eyes.
"But we see explosions on TV." Tobi said.
"And that is relevant…how?" Kakuzu raised his eyebrows.
"I don't know." Tobi admitted. "But it was about explosions."
"Do we really have to have this discussion again?" Hidan questioned.
"I'd rather not, but Danna won't admit I'm right." Deidara said.
"Konan, I'm burning something." Pein said from the kitchen.
"What do you want me to do about it?" Konan faced her partner, "Just turn the heat down."
"That's all I needed to know." Pein said.
"Hidan, can you move that strand up on the branch a bit?" Kisame asked.
"Sure." Hidan said, still bored.
Somehow, the tree ended up falling to the floor, unplugging the lights and breaking several ornaments.
"Hidan, can you do anything without causing chaos?" Itachi questioned.
"Yes, Itachi, I can." Hidan snapped.
"It doesn't seem like it." Itachi said.
Sasori had joined Deidara in the kitchen for some sakè. They were now watching Itachi and Hidan arguing while everyone else attempted to get the tree standing upright.
"Why do we have to do this, hmm?" Deidara asked.
"I dunno." Sasori shrugged. "It's going to be an interesting holiday."
I had a blast writing this. Review?