MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
Yes, it's that time of year again: the time of snow, the time of sleigh rides, the time of peace on Earth, and the time where kids wake up really early to see if they got any presents from the big red man we come to know and love. Yes, and this is a Christmas fic to celebrate the event (however, I was originally named SuperMetalMan; and during that time, I already wrote a Christmas fic, but it was inspired by 2 Christmas stories when I only wanted it to be inspired by only one)!
Oh, and get this: I'm actually watching Adult Swim! XD Currently, my two favorite Adult Swim shows are The Brak Show and Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law.
But's that's it for the introduction…NOW FOR THE 411!
Full Summary: Dad forgot to get Mom a Christmas present! Now he, Brak, and Zorak have to do the (somewhat) traditional last-minute Christmas shopping for the one gift that's hard to afford: a really priceless ring!
Restrictions (that's for when I write a fic that's rated T or higher. Anyways, YAY! New topic!): As I've said before, The Brak Show is an Adult Swim cartoon, and Adult Swim probably isn't suitable for children under the age of 14, so I'm trying not to be a bad influence. ;) Oh, and mild language and mild violence, too.
Dedication (YAY! Another new topic!): My family, who I get to watch The Brak Show and Harvey Birdman with, whenever we get the chance.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Brak Show or Adult Swim. I also didn't discover the season of Christmas.
Alright, THE CRAP IS OVER! RER!
THE LOON OF THE RINGS: A TRIBUTE TO BRAK
THE LOON OF THE RINGS: A TRIBUTE TO BRAK
It was another winter day at the hometown of Brak. And inside Brak's house, his parents were doing normal things. Mother was busy doing chores, while Dad was just putting it all off by reading the newspaper.
"Hey, look at this, Mother," said Dad, who appeared to have seen an interesting article. "It says here that scientists are making experiments to see if unicorns really do exist! Isn't that interesting?"
"That's… nice, dear…" said Mom.
"Of course it is!" said Dad. "Now we can finally see if unicorns are real or just made up!"
"Mornin' Mom! Mornin' Dad!" said Brak, zippily entering the kitchen.
"Why, hello, Brak!" said Mom.
"Aren't you just excited about the Christmas season?" asked Brak.
"Not really…" said Mom.
"Aw, why not?" asked Brak.
"Because someone forgets to get me a Christmas present every year…" said Mom, sternly looking at Dad.
"Look, Mother," said Dad, "I have a pretty good explanation for not getting you anything every single year!"
"Oh, really?" asked Mother, raising an eyebrow. "And I suppose you have a good excuse for not getting me anything this year?"
"Well, uh…" said Dad, trying to think of a good excuse. "It's… because… of… the… dog eating your Christmas list! Yeah, that!"
"We don't have a dog…" said Mom.
"Oh…" said Dad, "…uh…the cat ate it?"
"We don't have a cat, either," said Mom.
"The guinea pig?" said Dad.
"We don't have any pets in this household!" said Mom.
"Oh… well, that's a crappy shame…" said Dad.
"We are going to have a little talk after today!" said Mom.
"Can I hear on the conversation?" asked Brak.
"You stay out of this!" said Mom.
"Okay, then…" said Brak, leaving the kitchen. "I'll be in my room if you need anything…"
"I guess I'll be leaving too…" said Dad, starting to leave the kitchen.
"You stay here!" snapped Mom.
"Damn it…" said Dad.
Later that day, Dad wanted to have a secret conversation with Brak in the garage.
"Since when do we have a garage?" wondered Brak.
"That's not the point," said Dad. "Brak, I need your help."
"Whad'ya want, Dad?" asked Brak.
"I need you to go help me pick out a Christmas present for Mother," said Dad.
"Aw, that's so sweet of you!" said Brak. "My dad finding a good Christmas present for Mom just because it's nice!"
"Actually," said Dad, "I'm not getting her a Christmas present because of just that. I'm getting one for her because Mom said that I didn't get her a present, I'll have to do all the work around the house myself! And you know how much of a lazy bum I am, don't you?"
"Well, yeah…" said Brak, "but why are you so lazy?"
"Because, Brak," said Dad, as some comforting piano music began playing from nowhere, "I am a man. And like most other men, we are considered to be lazy bums with wives who do our work for us. And Brak, I will have you know that I am one of those lazy bums. And also, like those kind of men, WE ARE SO DAMN PROUD OF OUR SUPREME LAZINESS, AND WE'LL STAY THAT WAY UNTIL THE END!"
"Do you understand what I mean, son?" asked Dad.
"I… guess so…" said Brak.
"Good!" said Dad. "So it's settled! Tomorrow, we go find a good Christmas present for Mother!"
"Okay!" said Brak. It was then when our good friend Zorak jumped into the scene.
"What are you two idiots talking about?" asked Zorak as if he didn't care.
"Oh, nothing, Zorak," said Brak, "we're just making plans to get Mom a good Christmas present so that Dad can keep on being a lazy bum."
"Heh," said Zorak, "I don't think your little plan's gonna work. I mean, the stores close tomorrow-"
"OH, CRAP!" cried Brak.
"Indeed!" said Dad. "Come on, boys! Let's go find Mother a good Christmas present!"
"Okay!" said Brak.
"Hey, you jerks!" said Zorak. "I said nothing about me joining you two losers on your little quest! SO LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS CRAP!"
"I might get you a present while you're there…" said Dad.
"What kind of present?" asked Zorak.
"Uh… one that tortures people!" said Dad.
"OKAY, I'M IN!" said Zorak.
"Great!" said Brak. "NOW LET'S FIND MOM A GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT!"
It was then when Brak, Dad, and Zorak quickly went to the store to find Mom the 'perfect present'.
As soon as they got to the store, they went inside to see if they could find a good present.
"Now, everyone," said Dad, "think for a moment-"
"Yeah, like you two ever do…" said Zorak.
"Quiet, Zorak," said Dad. "Now think: what kind of present would Mother like?"
"OOH! I KNOW!" said Brak. "She could like some cooking tools…"
"No, Brak," said Dad. "Mother already has plenty of those…"
"Maybe we can get her something to torture you with!" said Zorak. "Speaking of which, when do I get mine?"
"No, and soon," said Dad. "I've got it! We'll get her that priceless ring!"
Dad soon pointed to a really shiny ring on display, which had a really big piece of topaz in the center.
"Isn't it beautiful?" asked Dad.
"That thing costs, like… a hundred thousand dollars…" said Zorak.
"Actually, it costs $99,895.49," said Brak, looking at the price tag of the ring.
"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" screamed Zorak. "Anyways, how the hell are we going to get that much money?"
"I think I know how…" said Dad.
AT A NEARBY BANK
AT A NEARBY BANK
"Hello, and welcome to our bank…" said an alien bank teller, speaking in a monotonious voice, "…how may I help you?"
"Hello, my good man," said Dad. "My name is Dad, and I would like to make a withdrawl!"
"How much are we talking?" asked the bank teller.
"All the money I own!" said Dad.
"Will that come from your savings or your checking account, sir?" asked the bank teller.
"I don't care, just give me the freaking money!" said Dad.
"Of course…" said the bank teller. "But can I please see some identification, sir?"
"Here you go," said Dad, handing the bank teller a membership card of the official Laziest Bums Ever Alive Club (LBEAC).
There was silence as the bank teller began to find the amount of money Dad had.
"Sir, you have zero dollars and zero cents in both accounts…" said the bank teller.
"Well, this sucks…" said Dad.
"Get out of here, sir," said the bank teller, "we have other people waiting…"
"Fine…" said Dad. "Come on, boys, let's go…"
"There's got to be a way to get the money for the ring…" said Dad, "…but what…"
"I got the solution to all this!" said Zorak, heading into the bank.
"Can I help you, si-" began the bank teller.
"ALRIGHT, YOU ASSHOLE!" screamed Zorak, confronting the bank teller face to face. "GIVE ME THE MONEY, AND NOBODY GETS HURT!"
"How much are we talking?" asked the bank teller.
"GIMME A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!" screamed Zorak.
"Actually," said Brak, entering the 'scene of the crime', "it's $99,895.49-"
"WILL YOU BE QUIET?!" screamed Zorak as Brak ran away.
"Will that come from your savings or checking-" said the bank teller.
"I DON'T CARE!" screamed Zorak. "JUST GIMME THE FREAKING MONEY!"
"You didn't say the magic word," said the bank teller in sing-song voice, still in the same monotone.
"You're right," said Zorak. "GIVE ME THE MONEY NOW!"
"No way, hozae…" said the bank teller.
"You've just made the biggest mistake of your life…" said Zorak. He soon beat up the bank teller, took all the money he needed, and then ran out of the bank. A bunch of alarm bells went off as this happened.
"Alright, boys!" said Zorak. "Now let's scram before the cops show!"
Zorak, Brak, and Dad soon dashed away from the bank and headed to the store.
On their way to the store, they stopped by Clarence, a purple alien wearing a red hat and red overalls, who was running a charity stand.
"Give to the poor!" said Clarence, ringing a bell. "Give as much money as you want to the poor! Help those in need!"
"HERE!" said Zorak. "TAKE THE FREAKING MONEY! WE DON'T NEED IT!"
"Wow!" said Clarence. "Thanks, Zorak! That was very generous of you!"
"Yeah, well I'm still gonna beat you up after Christmas!" said Zorak as he soon kept running along with Brak and Dad.
"Zorak," said Brak, "why did you give the money we needed for the ring to Clarence?"
"Oh, you'll see…" said Zorak.
It was then when an army of police aliens approached Clarence.
"Excuse me, kid," said one of the police aliens.
"Can I help you, gentlemen?" asked Clarence.
"Are you the person who beat up the bank teller and took all the money from the bank?" asked the police alien.
"I don't know anything about a bank teller," said Clarence, "but I think all the money I just got might have come from the bank!"
"That's all we need to know, son," said the police alien.
"Why, you're welcome!" said Clarence.
"BOOK HIM, BOYS!" said the police alien.
"What?" wondered Clarence as he soon got arrested by the police aliens.
"HA!" said Zorak. "SUCKER! MULAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Well, that wasn't very nice!" said Brak.
"Of course it wasn't nice," said Zorak. "I'm never nice, ya got that, punk?"
"Uh…I guess so…" said Brak.
"Good," said Zorak. "NOW LET'S GET THAT RING!"
"But we can't get the ring if we don't have any money!" said Dad.
"Oh, crap, you're right…" said Zorak. "Well, I guess we'll have to move onto Plan B!"
"This is Plan B?" asked Brak later that night at the store, wearing a burglary outfit.
"Of course this is Plan B, you idiot!" said Zorak, also wearing a burglary outfit. "We get into the store, find the ring (and my torturing device), we all scram, we give it Mom, she gets happy, game over!"
"I have a feeling that this won't work…" said Brak.
"Of course it'll work," said Zorak. "NOW GET INTO THE FREAKING BUILDING!"
Brak and Dad (who, of course, was also wearing the burglary outfit) snuck into the store, along with Zorak.
As soon as they got into the store, they carefully looked around to find the topaz ring. They searched high and low, left and right, wherever they could find something like that.
"I found it!" said Zorak.
"Really?" asked Dad. "You found the ring that we're looking for?"
"Heck, no!" said Zorak, holding up some kind of torturing device. "I found this wicked-cool thing: The Whipshocker 9000! I've been looking for one of these babies for years..."
"Yeah, that's great," said Dad. "NOW CAN WE FIND THE DAMN RING?!"
"Fine, fine, fine," said Zorak, "but I'm still gonna hold on to this, just for safe keeping..."
"Of course…" said Dad as he, Brak, and Zorak kept looking for the ring.
It wasn't longer than about a half hour when they finally got to the stand in which the ring they were searching for was displayed. However…
"The ring's gone!" cried Brak.
"So someone else stole the ring before us?" asked Dad.
"That, or someone already bought it," said Zorak, noticing the ring's price tag on the floor.
It was then when a flashlight soon shone on Dad, Brak, and Zorak.
"Who's there?" asked a voice from nearby. The lights soon turned on and found that the voice belonged to a tough alien store guard!
"Oh crap, it's the cops! Let's scram!" screamed Zorak as he, Brak, and Dad exited the store.
"STOP, YOU THEIVES!" screamed the guard as the others quickly fled for their lives.
"Oh, this is just great," said Dad, wearing a goofy disguise, along with Brak and Zorak, "now how are gonna get the ring?"
"Maybe those guys can help us!" said Brak, pointing to a pair of rich aliens, with one of them holding… the topaz ring!
"BRAK, YOU GENIUS!" said Zorak. "I don't know how you found it, but you're a genius!"
"Why, thank you!" said Brak.
"Come on, boys!" said Dad. "Let's get that ring!"
"OKAY!" said Zorak. "I'LL BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM WITH MY NEW WHIPSHOCKER!"
Zorak soon activated 'his' Whipshocker 9000, which showed a bunch of painful sparks on it.
"I think I have a better idea," said Dad. "Instead of killing those two nutjobs, why don't we do a little… bartering, if you know what I mean?"
"I get it!…" said Brak, "…oh, wait, no I don't…"
"Just listen to my plan, and then you'll understand," said Dad.
"My, isn't this such a lovely ring?" said one of the rich aliens in a fancy accent.
"Why, it is such a lovely ring," said the other.
"I would be so crushed if anything happened to a precious ring such as this," said rich alien #1.
"Indeed," said rich alien #2.
"Excuse me, sir," said a slightly-taller-than-usual Dad, wearing a big coat and a salesman hat, "do you, by chance, have a topaz ring?"
"Why, yes, sir," said rich alien #1. "Why do you ask, my good man?"
"I would like to make you a little offer," said Dad. "For your topaz ring, would you like a special surprise?"
"A surprise, eh?" said rich alien #1. "What kind of surprise are we talking about here?"
"Oh, a big surprise!" said Dad.
"Ooh, a big surprise!" said rich alien #1. "My favorite kind of surprise!"
"Mine too!" said rich alien #2.
"Good!" said Dad. "Now then, hold out the topaz ring, and then close your eyes!"
"Okay!" said the rich aliens, holding out the topaz ring, as Dad took it and replaced it with a paper slip in their hands.
"Goodbye, now!" said Dad, leaving.
The rich aliens soon opened their eyes, and looked at the slip of paper in their hands.
"An IOU?" asked rich alien #2.
"Why, yes!" said Dad. "That's the surprise I was talking about!"
"You… you cheated us!" cried rich alien #1.
"Of course I did," said Dad. "We're salesmen; we cheat all the time!"
However, the cloak of Dad's costume suddenly fell down, revealing Brak and Zorak, who were carrying Dad upon their shoulders.
"That salesman's a cheater… and a fake!" said rich alien #2.
"Of course I am!" said Dad. "We're salesman; we're also fakes as well!"
"GET THEM!" screamed Rich alien #1 as he and rich alien #2 chased Brak, Dad, and Zorak across the field.
As soon as they got home, Brak, Dad, and Zorak barricaded the doors so that no one else could get in.
"Man, that was a close one!" said Brak.
"At least we got the ring," said Dad. "Now, all we have to do is see if Mother is around so I can give this to her! Then, I'll keep on being the lazy bum I already am!"
"Yeah, that's great," said Zorak. "And I got what I wanted as well: THIS WICKEDLY AWESOME TORTURING DEVICE! MULAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hey, Mother!" called Dad. "Come down here right now! I've got something to show you!"
"I'll be down in a minute!" called Mom from upstairs.
"Oh, boy," said Dad, "mother is definitely going to thank me for this!"
"Alright, Dad," said Mom as soon as she got downstairs. "What do you want now?"
"Merry Christmas, Mother!" said Dad, holding out the topaz ring.
"Why…it's…it's so…beautiful…" said Mom at the sight of the ring.
"What do you think, Mother?" asked Dad.
"I think that…this is the nicest thing you've ever done for me…" said Mom.
"Well, I'm glad you like it," said Dad.
"Tell me…" said Mother, "…where did you ever get a ring such as this?"
"Well, it's a long story…" said Dad.
It was then when gunshots were heard, and a bunch of angry people went into the house.
"Hey," said the bank teller, pointing to Dad, "that's the guy that was with that other guy when I was robbed…"
"And there's the same guy who was with that other guy who framed me for stealing the money!" screamed Clarence, also pointing at Dad.
"And there's the guy who broke into the store last night!" screamed the store guard, pointing at Dad as well.
"And there's the guy who stole our beloved ring!" said the rich aliens, who, of course, were also pointing at Dad.
"AND THERE'S THE GUY WHO VANDALIZED MY FORTRESS BY PAINTING IT PINK!" screamed Thundercleese, a giant robot, who was also pointing at Dad.
"HE DID THAT THING LAST WEEK, AND I'M STILL LIVING WITH THAT MOMENT!" explained Thundercleese.
Mom soon looked at Dad with an angry look on her face.
"Heh heh…" laughed Dad innocently, "…I suppose I'm in trouble, right?"
And indeed he was.
And so, after Dad was sentenced to five long years in prison on an account of theft and bribery, he was forced to work like a dog for Mom after his release. As for Zorak, let's just say he had a lot of fun torturing a lot of people with his new Whipshocker 9000, which also led him to five lone years in prison.
As for everyone else, including Clarence…well, nobody cares.