Disclaimer: I neither own nor make any profit out of Rowlings characters, they're just fun to use.
A/N: This Idea sprang from my friends head, thanks Iounn, she told me to write it though so that's what I did, enjoy.
From the beginning I claim total innocence in this dilemma. It wasn't my fault…well it sort of was, but who could have thought that Sirius….my best friend Sirius had a….rather dodgy secret. A dodgy rather gross secret, which has made Moony keep his wary distance of said person. But I'm jumping ahead in the story.
It was a normal rainy Tuesday afternoon and a week before Sirius' 17th birthday and Moony had been asking my "subtle" questions about what he should get Sirius. Usually we all just threw together and bought a big pressie from all of us; but it seems that the crush our resident werewolf has on my best friend (who likes to call himself "The Sex God") is flourishing into full blown love.
After days of being bugged by Remus at the most inopportune moments (usually when I was busy with Lily), I suggested we look under Sirius' bed; since I hide anything that I think is worth keeping under my bed. You can tell a lot about what a guy wants from the things under his bed. But looking under Sirius' bed. THAT was a big mistake. Moony crawled under Sirius' bed (being the one with enhanced sight); however he retreated rather fast with a loud shout of scared surprise.
"What is it Moony?" I asked and looked at his pale face curiously.
"Padfoot has….has…" He pointed under the bed and grew even paler and then a look of horror crossed his face and he shuddered.
"Has what Moony?"
"WEREWOLF PORN PRONGS!" I stared, I did the fish impression, I sat down hard on my rather nice backside. Werewolf porn?! WEREWOLF PORN?! My best friend was looking at WEREWOLF PORN! It was ridiculous, it was sick, it was….so wrong. Hairy and soooooo wrong. Remus was shaking, best to get up and sit him down on the bed.
"Why?" He asked hysterically, burying his face in his hands. "How could he. It's like sadomasochism….worse….I tell you James, its worse then sadomasochism. I always knew Sirius was sick but that….that's just…." The door sprang open then and Sirius strode in with a big grin on his face, which was however quickly wiped off his face as a pillow hit him right in the middle of it.
"What the hell? REMUS!"
"YOU PERVERT!" And then Remus dashed out. Sirius looked slightly astonished and then plopped down next to me.
"What's with him?" I quirked and eyebrow.
"Werewolf porn Sirius?" He blushed, oh he was embarrassed…oh it was so good to see him embarrassed.
"I might have a little fetish." He mumbled.
"A hairy, quite gross little fetish Sirius."
"Everyone has their little problems." He said defensively. "Anyway, can you just imagine it, being brought down, having that tongue ravish your neck and those sharp teeth scraping across your…."
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION SIRIUS! I'M GOING!" Sirius continued, completely caught up in his fantasy.
"The fur, the tail, oh Merlin…the ears."
I hurriedly left him to his fantasies as he groaned and went to find Remus before he hurt himself…and if I didn't find Remus well, then I could just go and find Lily and have some fun with her instead.
So that is how we get to this point of the story. With Remus avoiding Sirius like one would avoid the Black Death and Sirius sitting in the dorm room sulking because his object of desire had taken to ignoring him. He was sulking like a three year old kid who didn't get the lolly he wanted. Every time I tried to speak to Remus, he'd get that blank look on his face and walk out. But this was going to end, right now. This wasn't a day care centre….I didn't want kids until another few years and I really hope they don't turn out like Sirius…maybe a bit like Remus but…preferably like Lily and maybe my charming old self. And if getting Sirius and Remus together would take locking them in a cupboard then that was what I was going to do.
Getting Sirius in the cupboard had been easy (I told him there was a free stash of dung bombs in there, does it every time). Remus had been more difficult but he jumped in when I shouted,
"Brussel sprout attack!" (Remus has a strange unexplainable fear of brussel sprouts). I locked the door and hoped for the best.
"Remus!" At least one overjoyed shout was good.
"Let me out you perve."
"Didn't lock you in…but now you're here and I'm here…."
"No…get away…you're gross."
"I'm sorry Remmie…" Whining Sirius is not good.
"The dog likes it….it likes the wolf and I like porn. I am a teenage boy after all. The two just go together so well." Sirius whined.
"Your animagus form likes werewolves? You like werewolf porn!?"
"Sorry." There was a little pause and then Sirius said, almost shyly if you can believe it, "I love you though."
"You what?" But no answer ever came. However only about 15 minutes later quite clear disturbing sounds could be heard from the cupboard. I ran quickly away as Sirius moaned,
"Oh Remus! Bite me, bite me harder. Ugh!"
There you are…I claim total innocence for the dilemma in the first place but I claim full credit for the fun those two are having now.
I have to leave them now though….the sounds are just…too explicit….really didn't want to know that my two best friends are THAT randy. GODS, WHERE IS LILY!? Got to go and find her, bye.