A/N This is something I wrote when I should have been updating my other series fics. Whistles innocently. It's all told from Remus' POV as he encounters the horrors of cliche fanfiction. I actually have a few of the cliches mentioned below in my own fics, but meh. I'm an Australian of irish descent. Laughing at myself comes naturally.
Disclaimer: I am not J.K Rowling. If I was, I'd have a lopsided mouth and be killing off characters like a mad woman. All I'm doing is making them OOC and putting them in cliche situations.
Chapter One - Please Let it be the Drugs
Remus Lupin was exhausted. It was full moon in a week and he'd stayed up until three finishing an essay for Professor McGonagall. The last thing he wanted to hear was the annoyingly chirpy beep of his battered alarm clock.
With a sigh, his feet found the hard wood floor of his dormitory. Stretching, he looked around, expecting to see a fully dressed Peter, a snoring Sirius and a messy haired James.
Peter's bed appeared to be unused and his trunk was nowhere to be seen. James bed was unrecognizable; framed pictures of Lily were overflowing on the bedside table and there appeared to be a life size doll of Lily herself resting where James should have been.
Sirius' bed appeared to be occupied. Frowning and wondering if he was suffering from sort of mental illness, Remus walked over to it and pulled back the covers.
He jumped back in shock.
Two underwear clad girls were stirring slightly.
"Who are you?" Remus exclaimed.
"I'm Avrianna." The darker haired one said.
"What are you doing in Sirius' bed?" Remus cried. He wanted to ask why her name was so ridiculous too but was much too polite for that.
"Savouring the scent." She said with a seductive smile.
Remus gaped. What was wrong with him? Was he drunk?
He hit himself in the head.
Nope, not drunk. But he now had a head ache.
He raced down the stairs, hoping that maybe one of his three room mates could explain why the hell he was having hallucinations. Perhaps they'd slipped Blue Krazzaz crystal into his pumpkin juice again as a joke.
He was greeted with chaos. First years were cowering behind arm chairs and whimpering pathetically. A few older students were looking at the scene as if they were torn between running like weasels and shooting curses in all directions.
"JAMES POTTER!" She exploded. Her hair was on end. Her expression was livid.
Remus was torn between relief and terror. While he had appeared to have found one of his friends, he also appeared to be having another hallucination.
"Yes my sexy gorgeous, sexy, hot, sexy, beautiful, like, to die for, Evans?" James asked running his hand through his hair seductively. For effect he winked.
"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Lily roared, grabbing a text book and hurtling it at him savagely. The book missed by inches, resulting in another roar and a stormed exit form the common room.
"I knew she liked me." James said with a cheeky grin, running his hand through his hair. Again.
"James." Remus walked over to him tentatively. He felt extremely dizzy, "What the hell did you lot put in my drink last night?"
"Drink? Do you think Evans would like one?"
Remus shook his head, "James. What the ruddy hell is going on?"
"Huh? Oh you know. The me and Evans are so, like going to hook up plan, that's the hap man."
"James why are you talking like that?" Remus asked. He had many other questions that seemed more relevant, like what the antidote for insanity was and where Sirius or Peter were but James' speech was so impaired he felt it couldn't be held off.
"Because I'm crazy sexy. And a surfer. And a jock." He ran his hand through his hair and a few girls passing fainted.
It was James turn to look confused. "Uh… Dude. He's in a broom cupboard, like, where else would he be?" He paused thoughtfully, "You know… Maybe Evans would like to-"
"Somehow, from that display." Remus issued the cowering first years, "I doubt it. Where's Peter?"
James looked confused, "Who are you talkin' about Mooney man?"
"Peter." Remus exclaimed. "Peter Pettigrew."
James shrugged, "I don't know who you're on about man but I've got to go stalk Lily now. Later."
Remus watched in complete bewilderment as James walked to the portrait hole, gave a brief hair ruffle to the delight of two attractive six years and disappeared.
Remus looked at his watch, figuring that after breakfast, if he had time, he might make a quick trip to the hospital wing.
Everything seemed quite normal in the corridors. There was perhaps, a little more snogging than there usually was, but otherwise everything seemed fine.
With a sigh of relief he descended another set of stairs. Maybe when he got down to breakfast the hallucination might have worm off and he could yell at a perfectly in character James.
Was that, giggling?
He turned to face the broom cupboard he'd just passed. Yes, there was definitely giggling.
He approached it carefully. Maybe, it was just a first year hiding from a sixth year who'd just cast a tickling curse, or something…innocent, like that.
He opened the door and recoiled in horror.
Sirius black was half naked, and surrounded by seven, lacy underwear clad girls.
"Sirius what's going on?" Remus gasped.
"Mooney my man… And ladies." He shot a dazzling smile at two of the girls on his left and they died. Promptly. "Just playing a spot of strip poker… with the ladies."
"But… I… What… Ge… Meh… Keh?" Remus said feeling faint himself, "Padfoot, you put Krazzaz crystal in my drink last night and I'm hallucinating right?"
"Woah… Woah…" Sirius put up a hand to stop Remus from speaking and another girl died promptly at the sight of his totally ripped arm muscles, "I'm called sex god now. Right ladies?"
"Right." They all sighed.
"Oh yeah?" Remus asked lightly, "Since when?"
"Since like… Second year, when I lost my virginity on my twelfth birthday. To strippers. In a London Pub. Now if you'll excuse me." He said suavely standing, "I've got to deal my next hand." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and closed the door. Remus could still hear the giggling and figured he'd probably hear it in the back of his mind for the rest of his life. Taunting him.
He made his way to breakfast in a daze of panic. How much longer would he suffer from these hallucinations? Was this just a temporary thing? He was getting the sinking suspicion that it mightn't be. But he held onto the hope that it was just blue Krazzaz crystals which wore of quickly. Please let it be the drugs, he thought.
As he walked he noticed girls stopping and staring at him and whispering. He averted his glaze awkwardly and kept walking. If he ignored it, it would go away. That he was sure of.
He was stopped just outside the great hall by a blonde girl with perfect skin. And hair. And teeth, And body.
"My names Helenia. I was just wondering, if like, Sirius is over going to you know call me back?"
Remus' eyebrow disappeared high into his fringe, "Aren't phones a muggle invention?"
"What's your point?" She asked. She had quite the attitude. In fact, Remus realized after a moment that she had a rose tattoo on her hand. It really accentuated her perfect… Wrists.
"Well… When has Hogwarts ever had a telephone network?" He was sure now that his brain was boiling in his scull.
"Since 1935. I'm intelligent you know, and pretty, and I have lots of attitude and I can tell any guy where to stick it if they piss me off. And…" She paused meaningfully, "I have awesome comebacks for everything."
"Uh huh." Remus said his voice rather high. He excused himself politely and ignored the now frequent calls of; "Your Sirius' friend. Has he said anything about me?" "Does he like me?" "Did he get my gift?" "I'm going to slip poison into his juice if he doesn't take me to Hogsmeade next weekend!"
He practically ran into the great hall and barricaded himself under the Gryffindor table. He slapped himself again. And again. And again.
"LUPIN YOU LUNATIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHOES?!"
Remus stood quickly, hitting his head on the table sharply. When his vision came back into focus, he realized that Lily Evans was yelling at him.
"THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! FREAKING MARAUDERS! FUCK WANK BUGGER SHITTING ARSE HEADED HOLE, I HATE THEM!" She howled, "BUT I HATE POTTER MOST OF ALL!"
She cackled insanely.
Remus was on the verge of collapsing when Dumbledore tapped his Chardonnay class promptly. Remus immediately wondered why Dumbledore was drinking Chardonnay at seven in the morning, and why he was giggling merrily.
"Good morning Hogwarts." He said cheerfully, "I just wanted to remind you, that by order of the minister of Magic, and… well, me." He tipped his wizard hat with a giggle and met cheers, "that, James Potter is now in charge of the school."
This was met by thunderous applause. The entire Gryffindor table stood and cheered. Two boys, Remus had never acknowledged in his life hoisted James up onto their shoulders.
The only people not celebrating seemed to be the Slytherins (who has gotten horrendously bad looking over night, Remus noted) and Lily, who was weeping into her porridge.
"And that, instead of third period, there will be a social hour in the great hall where fire whiskey and other alcoholic beverages will be served."
"And that, a shipment of lemon drops will be arriving late this afternoon and no one should enter the third corridor and steal any of the stash because I will feed them to Hagrid's giant pet spider."
Everyone stopped cheering and looked at Dumbledore fearfully.
"Oh but of course." Dumbledore said looking mystical, "Nobody is supposed to know about Hagrid's giant pet spider for another nineteen years at least." He giggled at the mistake, "No harm done. Plot accuracy never bothered anyone before…" And with that he sat back down and popped a lemon drop in his mouth.
And with that, Remus fainted.
So good? Okay? Average? Completely stupid and should never be updated again? Let me know via the pretty purple button. :D