A/N I'm going to do something I never do, I'm going to write a short author note the details the reason why I'm writing a short author note. Actually, I needn't bother because once you see the size of the chapter title you'll see I hardly need a chapter, let alone an author note :D This is also the last chapter which saddens me a bit but still... Enjoy it :)
Chapter Seven – Some 'Bullet for my Valentine' inspired genius/In which a conclusion is not met because… the writer is a dick head and has thought up another cliché riddled plotline that is inevitably worse and more cliché ridden than the last one they thought up and is too busy writing that to bother finishing this properly/The Fizzling Finale (Maybe I should take that out.. Alliteration is actually a sound literary technique and sound literary techniques generally don't like being associated with these stories)/The chapter that is known solely for it's horrendously long chapter title that doesn't fit into the chapter jump bar above let alone in the documents on her/his/its account, infuriatingly enough for her/him/the devil, or for short (because like the Mary Sue in its contents it has trouble remembering its full name when it comes time to fill our papers and so therefore needs something easier to say (or write… whichever)): The ye old clichéd inconclusive conclusion.
Yes that's right, he jumped. Because the author went to English for dummies this morning and learnt that every story should have a captivating beginning that… er… Captivates… the audience and makes them want to read on.
Too much cynicism... Right...
Remus jumped. The tree Snape had just run his hand along was being swallowed by the ground and replaced with a human sized hole.
Well… A human size 0 hole.
"How are we supposed to fit through that?" Hermione gasped.
"Well if you'd paid attention to the letter Dumbledore sent out to students before the beginning of this year," Snape began in an acidic tone; "You'd have gone on holiday to America and had a make over there that immediately transformed you into a size 0 playboy bunny."
"And if you're a dude, you were supposed to stop eating for a while to add to the pathetic appeal, like the emo over there," James continued, "Or go to the gym every day and do weights so you can do this…"
He raised his arms over his head and struck a pose; his muscles rippled in the wind and Lily gave a little twitch and foamed from the mouth some more. Because even though James had glasses and was not as HOTT as Sirius Black, he could totally make girls foam at the mouth with his ripped arm muscles.
And then, he smashed the ground with his cement fists; the dirt around the hole shuddered and fell into the earth creating a space large enough for-
"Shame Peter's not here with us." Remus sighed.
"Who?" James asked, his sexy eyebrows furrowed in sexy bespectacled confusion.
"Never mind." Remus muttered.
It took a full half hour for everyone to crawl down the hole and into the dark tunnels below (except for Lily of course, who was lying on the forest floor above, foaming). By that point Remus was well and truly sick of the day.
Hermione seemed to be in agreement – muttering silently behind him as they walked deeper into the darkness. (A/N Anyone want to wager a guess at who is Kurtz and who is Marlow in this parody? Anyone?)
As they crept on Remus noticed something strange. On his left was an array of satanic styled paintings and wall hangings (mostly depicting Marilyn Manson holding some sort of dead animal – Snape's explanation) and on his right was a display of all things girly and techno.
Finally, they entered a small opening; they had been walking for hours. Well, they had been walking for what felt like hours, in actual fact, it had been 36.789867851 seconds (to 11 significant figures).
Suddenly Remus became aware of a sound – it was a horrible sound that was disjointed and foreign to his 1970 ears.
"Gotta love T-Pain." James said rocking his head up and down and pointing his middle finger towards the ground repetitively. Remus noted that with his ripped muscles he sort of looked like an ape.
"So you've finally figured it out?"
A smug Kristen Bell-like voice rang out and made them all turn to the centre of the small cave they had just entered. There, sitting on his throne like a good little overlord was…
"Oh no!" Hermione whimpered, "It's…"
"Lord Voldemort?" Remus guessed as he'd never seen him before in his life, "I'm right aren't I? To top the day off I've walked into Voldemort's underground lair, right?"
"Well… Yeah… That's pretty much it." Snape said with a shrug. He turned towards Voldemort broodily and said; "Listen biatch, you pissed me off when you took this place for my dog collars but you've gone far enough. You've gone too fucking far.."
"You know how he's making this happen?" Remus asked incredulously.
"Well duh." Voldemort said. His girly voice gave him a similar persona to that of one of the characters out of Priscilla Queen of the Desert… Except, British. "Originally he was in on it. Until all the preps turned against him."
Snape flipped his side fringe and Remus wondered how he hadn't by this point impaled his eye.
Voldemort sighed in a very bored way; "I guess I'll relay my evil scheme to you all, it's not like I have anything to do except update my blog."
He flipped his non existent blonde hair over his shoulder.
They all raised an eyebrow at him.
"Shut up. I'm getting extensions next month." He snapped touching his head self consciously, "EEEnyhow, so, one day, I was watching one of my daytime soaps when I started thinking about why I hadn't conquered Harry Potter yet…"
"Wait… that only happens in the future... how does that…?"
"Oh shut up fuzz ball. Nobody cares about the fabric of time except you."
Hermione bowed her head.
"As I was saying, I wondered why I hadn't conquered Harry Potter yet. I mean… Once I get my extensions my hair will be way better. And… like… What's so fucking good about him anyway? So, I realized that I was aiming my attack at the wrong age audience."
They all shot him another raised eyebrow.
"I did a stint in marketing at college okay? EEEnyhow, I realized that the kind of attacks I was staging were the kind you'd stage against like… Full grown wizards. I realized I needed to make an attack you'd make on a teenager. And… I got thinking, you know.. about peer pressure and all, and I realized if I started a totally addictive OMG blog that people would start acting like the people I talked about in my blog… And sure enough…"
"How does the land of fan fiction come into this?" Remus asked, thinking of Peter's theory.
"Peter told you right? OMG that guy is a little dirk. You shouldn't' trust him." Voldemort leaned forward as if to start a bitch session.
Remus stared back at him waiting for an answer.
"Right well… I needed inspiration on how real teens acted right? So I went on FF and they were running rampage in the Harry Potter section. It was all about sex and angst and preps suck and… Originally it was just that but… What good evil overlord doesn't cause division between teens by creating preps too, am I right?"
Nobody answered him so he pretended he was being rhetorical.
"Eventually, after talking about all these unreal people in my blog that were just like the ones on FF, everyone started acting waaaaayy out there… And now like… I can stage an attack and kill HP."
"No…" Snape said darkly, "You're not. We're staging our own attack… Right…."
"Now!" James said dramatically, raising his fists in a Keanu-Reeves-is-about-to-defy-the-laws-of-physics stance.
Voldemort rolled his eyes.
"Puhlease. You think I can be the Anti Christ, Gossip Girl, Voldemort all at the same time and can sit through the episode of the O.C where Marissa died and not be able to perform the killing curse?"
"Omg! How could you take that?! I broke down in tears man! It was so sad! Marissa was finally getting her life back on track and then… BAM! She's dead…" James broke down in sobs.
Voldemort rolled his eyes again; "Lucius, get this freak out of here."
A man in drag raced into the room and forcefully pulled James away ignoring his fruitless struggle. Lucius was the most talented death eater – he could rid the wizarding world of mudbloods and other worthless scum and do it in heels. As if James' struggling was effectual against his Queen-ness. Pfft.
"EEnyhow, as James was saying, BAM, she's dead. I was reminded of your current situation."
He turned to Remus.
"You first because you're the cutest after the freak that just left."
He raised his wand; "Avada Kedavra."
Everything around him slowed down. He could see the green curse spiraling towards him, he could see Hermione's mouth opening in shock – infuriatingly slow. But in his mind all that mattered was that girl… The one who had claimed to be his girlfriend that morning.
Wonderful. He thought. I'm about to die and my last thought is that of some clichéd girl I've only ever met once. Just fucking wonderful.
It was then, in the moment before the curse hit him (still moving at about a millimeter per second – curious seeing as those things always seemed to be instantaneous in the actual books) that he remembered what he had seen James do that morning.
He moved his hand at the speed of green light… Or rather, light, seeing as green light was actually rather slow in near death experiences. Curiously. He barely registered what he was saying.
He felt the force of the spell as it bounced off his hand and vanished into thin air. He didn't register his next movement either – the drawing of his wand.
And as if possessed he mouthed the words – "Overlord slayest."
Black light spiraled out of his wand so fast he barely saw it before it hit Voldemort with a formidable force. Voldemort's smug smile fell from his face and he adapted an expression of shock. He shuddered for a moment before he collapsed in a pile on the floor.
"I'm… melting." He shrieked before the pile of robes that once had been his body withered and disappeared.
And then Remus woke with a start, beads of sweat grouping on his forehead. He panted and took a minute to check that he was still alive. Yes both legs. Both arms. One er… Very important manly bit and one still secure head. He was still breathing and his heart was still beating (very fast).
He took a deep breath, and then sighed. It had been a dream after all. Apparently you could hit yourself in a dream, feel something and still be having one. He'd have to discuss it with the other marauders sometime.
He sat up and stretched experimentally. It felt good to be back in reality.
He pulled his curtain away from his four poster bed and looked over at Sirius' bed.
He pulled the curtain back in front of him.
There was NOT an underwear clad girl lying on Sirius' bed.
He was just reacting to the dream.
He pulled open his curtain,
She was still there, toying with Sirius' pillow boredly,
He raked the room with his eyes in horror. Only three beds (Peter's was missing) one of which had a girl on it, one of which was a shrine to Lily and…
He hit himself in the head. Hard.
Moments after, he heard someone that sounded remarkably like Miss Blanche Dubois say; "That's not good for you you know."
"Get out of my head!!" He shouted.
"Oh relax. I'm not actually in your head… It's more that you're trapped in mine and I can do whatever I want with you."
"Please…" He begged, "Please, I defeated Voldemort, why isn't everything normal now?!"
She snorted; "You think Buffy only slayed one vampire in her time? Wishful thinking. You didn't get rid of Lucius did you? Or that nasty piece of work; Bellatrix? Gossip Girl is a cult; you'll have to slay more villains than that to stop the power of the blog."
He stuttered; "Please… Please send me back to reality… I'll… I'll do anything. Just send me back to reality."
"That would require magic not existing sweetie," she explained, "And that's my world. Not yours."
"Please…" He pleaded.
She sighed; "Look. I'm tired and pissed off, I've failed two very important exams, lost items that add up to about eight hundred dollars in total and had a massive fight with my Dad. I don't have the energy to give you a better ending which is kind of the whole point of the story because it's meant to be a parody you know? It's meant to end in a clichéd 'I didn't think this out very well' way. You try doing that in this kind of emotional state."
He started weeping then. Clutching a hand full of his hair despairingly.
"Oh toughen up." She muttered, "J.K killed you off. At least I have the decency to let your life play out in some sappy Mills and Boon-esque fashion where you end up marrying that girl who sexually harassed you today and who has a long name that I haven't thought of yet. That's something right?"
His no could be heard as a shot of his face was replaced by a shot of Hogwarts, and then a shot of England, and then a shot of Earth, and then a shot of some weird guys playing with marbles which Blanche suspects are meant to be universes (like at the end of Men In Black) with low pitched DUN's at the transitions to add dramatic effect.
Reviewers get to cheer up a distraught Remus with my last batch of body oil. Yes the real reason I ended this is because I ran out of body oil :D I hope you enjoyed it because it was really fun to write :)