"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."
"Or," said Kyle, always the one willing to show off his years of learning Hebrew, "V'et zachar lo tishkav mishk'vey eeshah toeyvah hee."
"Oh, God," said Stan, always unable to face up to the smug look on Kyle's face whenever he outdid him. "So that's the passage?"
"That's the passage."
Stan couldn't help but show his indignation. "So hang on! Christians use that sentence, that was written over 2000 years ago, probably translated from thousands of different languages, written by a man, a man who also says shaving and wearing clothes of more than two different fabrics is an abomination, and they use that sentence to say 'God hates fags'?"
Kyle nodded. "Pretty much."
But Stan was on a rant now, which was surprising, because it was usually Kyle with the short temper. Nevertheless, when the Marsh boy was off on one, it took a hell of a long time to calm him down again.
"But that's not all! Jesus came, practically abolished all the Old Testament rules, told people to love and care for each other, said nothing about homosexuality himself and still people use him to fuel their bigotry. There was nothing about homosexuals in the New Testament!"
"Actually," said Kyle, spotting another chance to display his knowledge, "The New Testament's 'No to Homos' message comes down to Paul the Apostle's comments in Romans 1: 26-27 on the sins of the Gentiles."
Stan clapped a hand to his head. Kyle was a damn Jew and could recall the New Testament better than he could.
"'God gave them up unto shameful affections', and then it depends on how you translate it."
"How so?" said Stan curiously.
"Well the word in question is a mysterious Ancient Greek word, 'arsenokoites'" Kyle tried hard to keep his face straight.
Stan also was having trouble hiding his amusement. "You've got to be shitting me."
"No, I swear to Abraham, exact wording." It was amazing just how even at adolescence, they still found curse words funny. "It could mean 'special gay friend' or possibly 'male temple prostitute' or even 'gigolo for rich women'"
"Well, there's a solid bedrock for bigotry if I've ever heard one," huffed Stan. "I mean, people ask themselves every day 'What would Jesus do?' Oh no, he wouldn't make stuff out of wood or cure the sick, he would hate gays!
"At not one single point in the bible did it say: 'Hey, I'm Jesus, I welcome paupers, lepers, prostitutes and even tree climbing tax inspectors into heaven, but not gay people!"
Stan chose that moment to allow his body, worn out from ranting, to collapse to the floor.
"Why, Kyle? Why does that passage allow a load of bible-bashers to tell us we're going to hell?"
His red-headed boyfriend grinned at him. Stan knew that smile; Kyle would only grin that widely if he had a brilliant idea, thought of something exceedingly clever to say or was able to exploit something or somebody (usually Cartman).
"Y'know, Stan. It does say 'Do not lie with a man as you would with a woman.' So technically, the one of the bottom won't go to hell."
Stan groaned. "Dammit, Kyle. That's just an excuse so you can keep topping me. 'Gee, Stan, I'd love you to top, but you haven't been on top once yet, so you still have a chance of going to heaven. Besides, Jews don't believe in hell, so I'm covered.' I mean it, Kyle, I should be on top. I'm the manliest one anyway."
"Oh, yeah? Says who?"
"I was the sports captain, had the first girlfriend…"
"Before admitting you liked cock."
"I'm a masculine homosexual!"
"Raggedy Andy, Stan. That's all I'm saying. I came as Chewbacca."
"That was one time!"
"OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"
Stan and Kyle turned their heads to Kenny, who was lounging on the sofa, and shaking his head at their bickering and discussion.
"You're not Mormon."
"Neither of you are Mormon, you're both gonna go to hell anyway." He turned back to his porno magazine, whistling at "the single greatest art form ever" as he would phrase it. "So goddamnit, Kyle. Just be a man and let Stan shove it up your ass for once… it'll stop his bitching."
"Only Mormons go to heaven?"
"Well, I should know, seeing as I've died about a million times. Now, go to Stan's room and don't even think about coming down until you've taken it up your taut, Jewish ass!"
Kyle showed his glorious grin again, causing Stan to wonder exactly what was coursing through his brain.
"All right then. Hey, it might be fun!"
Stan couldn't help but get caught up in Kyle's enthusiasm. "Yeah, screw that Leviticus guy!"
"Yes, and you, Kyle."
"Great," said Kenny, still engrossed in his mag. "Take some pictures too, so I can at least benefit from all this. I need some more material to jack off to." He was promptly ignored.
And in a great sense of déjà vu…
"Y'know Kyle, I think we've learned something today. The bible can be great when giving you basic morals to live by, but taking certain passages to suit your own bigoted beliefs is just abusing what great writers of the past have laid down for us. I mean, even if it wasn't all inspired by God, then it can still teach us about respecting each other and trying to live a good life, but not all of it can be applied to today's society. If you want to live exactly like the bible says, and not eat shrimp or shave, then that's okay, because you're following everything it says. But to just choose what parts to follow and to ignore, well, that's just retarded. You're blaming your religion for your own prejudice, and religion…"
"You're babbling, and cutting down on time that could be spent making mad passionate love to my ass."
"Point taken. Now get up those stairs, princess."
Now, just to clear things up. I don't hate Christians. I hate Christians who are intolerant, bigoted and use their religion as an excuse for that. I know plenty of people who are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Sikh etc who are accepting of gay people or gay themselves. In fact, I hate all intolerant bigots. Some people are gay. Get over it.
So yes, this oneshot is basically my rant to people who say "homosexuality is wrong" and always point out Leviticus. I don't want to offend people so don't try and look at it that way. I just want to show my opinion on people who blame their religion for their prejudice. If you don't feel the same way, fine.
Anyway, thank you for reading!