The Tragedy of Hikaru Hitachiin

Chapter one:

Something awful has happened.

"Hikaru, are you alright?" It's my twin's voice. Except instead of sounding annoyed or tough or male or- or sounding anything remotely like Kaoru, it sounds soft and compassionate. It's like rain on soft grass.

Shit. My cheeks are heating up. My throat feels dry. I can't swallow. I can't breathe!

The person sitting next to me is not my twin. Kaoru would never look at me with that tilt in the head and those wide far seeing eyes. They are a golden colour like mine, but my imagination teeters and I swear I'm seeing brown.

No, the person now reaching to pat me gently on the arms is Haruhi.

Haruhi in Kaoru's body.

If I could bash my head against a very thick concrete wall, I'll do it now. Just to make sure I'm not dreaming, or going insane.

"Hikaru," Kyouya sounds amused. "Haruhi and Kaoru have switched bodies." He taps my head with his pen. It is a sharp pen, and it hurts like hell. Thanks, Shadow King.

"It… stuffed up?" Someone is looking more stupefied than he ever has. "My H-Haruhi?" Tamaki leans towards Haruhi's body, whose adorable face flinches and looks disgusted at his advances. "H-Haruhi?" He stares tragically at Kaoru's body.

"Eh?" I've never seen Kaoru looking that clueless.

"HARUHI HAS SWITCHED BODIES WITH KAORU!!!" Tamaki screams hysterically, broadcasting the truth to every corner of the school.

Stop saying it!

"Haru-chan has switched bodies with Kao-chan?" Hunny-sempai is astonished.

Stop saying it!

"Haruhi and Kaoru?" Mori makes a switching gesture with his hands.

Stop saying it! Or making hand gestures about it!

"I've switched bodies with…"

"Me?"

Kaoru and Haruhi stare at each other.

"OH MY GOD!!!! HARUHI HAD SWITCHED BODIES WITH KAORU!!!" Renge faints to the floor.

Stop saying it!

"HARUHI HAS SWITCHED BODIES WITH KAORU!!!" Tamaki screams hysterically, broadcasting the truth to every corner of the school – again.

STOP SAYING IT!

I wish that idiotic lord had never gotten that machine gun.

Kyouya smiles grimly.

Something awful has definitely happened.


How this "awful thing" happened:

"A machine gun…?" Haruhi deadpanned.

"A gun?" Hunny sempai shivered.

"A toy gun?" Mori asked seriously.

Kaoru and I rubbed the massive dented thing with suspicion.

"A real 19th century style machine gun," Tamaki nodded, looking delighted with himself.

"Exquisitely designed by obscure German scientists during World War One," Kyouya read expertly from his notebook. "Made from stirling silver, hard polished steel, iron and coated with copper in the inside. Durable, strong and has many m-"

"An ancient Souh family relic!" Tamaki interrupted. "I uncovered it from the attic and was so excited!"

"How is it a family relic?" Haruhi wrinkled her nose.

"I don't know!" Tamaki hugged himself and waved the question aside, "But it would do beautifully for our next cosplay. The Host Club; handsome army men! Let's test it out with some ping pong balls!"

"WHAT?!"

"Wait, Tamaki-"

Without further thought of any consequences, the blonde pulled the lever. There was a gush of something, a bang like the world had exploded, and a blinding beam of light that hit Kaoru square in the chest.

"KAORU!!!" I died from the shock.

The beam rebounded and struck Haruhi like lightning.

"HARUHI!!!" I died a second time.

Several ping pong balls dropped from the air and knocked the life back into me.

"What the hell happened?" I yelled. Everyone was looking stunned but perfectly okay.

"-has many mystical properties including the ability to switch the bodies of two people," Kyouya tapped the "machine gun" and finished his sentence. "It was especially useful as a spy method. Bodies were switched. The spy in the enemy's body gained ample information. The enemy in the spy's body was locked up and imprisoned. Ingenious."

Which idiot would bring to school some hideous mystical machine gun? Why would we ever look good as army men? Why did that milord unearth this supposedly family relic when it is supposed to be hidden from humanity forever? Why are the victims the ones dearest to me out of the whole entire world? My twin brother whom I've always been around with, and Haruhi…who is…just…so…beautiful and special?

WHY ME?

Something awful has happened.

My twin brother is inside Haruhi's body.

ARGHHH!!!!

Haruhi is inside my twin brother's body.

ARGHHH!!!

This is my tragedy.


A/N: I had this idea for a while and finally decided to write it. I am obsessed with writing in first person atm (I have no idea WHY) so please bear with me. (It's a new style wohoo) Comments/criticism/suggestions are welcome. Please leave a review!

lu.e3

PS: Looking for a beta! Please PM me if you're interested.