One the First Day of Chanukah, Sakura Gave To Me:

An AkatsukiSakura holiday spoof


"Italic" means singing.

"Bold." means either Madara or Zetsu's dark half is singing/talking.


"Oi, Sakura-chan. Come here." Deidara called, voice sing-songy.

Sakura blinked. She got up from the couch she was resting on and followed Deidara, who was... well, prancing to the room where the statue was kept.

Deidara ran ahead, disappearing into the darkness. She looked around, yet she could not see anything for it was pitch black.

"Deidara? Where are you? Why in the world is it so dark?"

Sakura went in and started wandering around.

"DeiDei? What's going on?" she whispered.

Suddenly, a bright light shined on her, making her put her hands on her face instinctively.

"Good Evening, Miss Sakura." A slightly ominous voice boomed through out the room.

Sakura instantly recognized, the deep, haughty voice of Madara.

"Madara? What's going on?"

"Please sit, my love, and enjoy this minuscule production we have put together for you." he said.

Sakura sat, not for he called her 'My Love', although that was creepy, but because Madara had abusive tendencies.

The spotlight went off, and reappeared on the Statue, where Deidara was in his usual position.

His lyrical tenor voice rang out. An oddity it was, for it was the highest a man can go.

"On the first day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me." sang Deidara.

His raised his left palm.

"One hour," it sang.

He raised his right palm.

"Of hot, steamy,"

"Sex" the three mouths sang harmoniously.

"What the hell?" Sakura screamed. Unfortunately for her, Zetsu made his vines come out of nowhere to restrain her.

"On the second day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:" Sasori's Tenor was heard.

"Two slaps on the mouth,

And one hour of hot, steamy sex."

Sakura struggled again to go give the puppet another slap for good measure.

"On the third day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:

Three kisses on the cheek,

Two slaps on the mouth,

and one hour of hot, steamy sex." Kisame sang out loud, while winking at her profoundly.

Zetsu's vine now started rubbing against her neck.

"On the fourth day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:

1 fluid ounce of Visine: Astringent Redness Reliever Eye Drops,

Three kisses on the cheek,

Two slaps on the mouth,

and one hour of hot, steamy sex."

Itachi's Alto voice shot out.

Zetsu's goddamned vine kept rubbing.

"On the fifth day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:

The Jungle By Upton Sinclair,

1 fluid ounce of Visine: Astringent Redness Reliever Eye Drops,

Three kisses on the cheek,

Two slaps on the mouth,

and one hour of hot, steamy sex."

Zetsu's two halves sang together.

"STOP RUBBING!" Sakura screamed.

Zetsu obliged, but not exactly to Sakura's wishes. He opted to groping.

"On the sixth day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:
A booklet of coupons,
The Jungle By Upton Sinclair,
1 fluid ounce of Visine: Astringent Redness Reliever Eye Drops,
Three kisses on the cheek,
Two slaps on the mouth,
and one hour of hot, steamy sex.
"
Kakuzu sang. He even sounded greedy when he sang.

Meanwhile, Zetsu was going crazy and Sakura was just trying get the stupid vines off.
If he'd grope her any further, she'd kill him

"On the seventh day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:
One lap dance,
A booklet of coupons,
The Jungle By Upton Sinclair,
1 fluid ounce of Visine: Astringent Redness Reliever Eye Drops,
Three kisses on the cheek,
Two slaps on the mouth,
and one hour of hot, steamy sex
."
Hidan was such a sexy baritone.
Sakura was having no luck on the war with Zetsu.
"On the eighth day of Chanukah, Sakura gave to me:
One lap dance,
A booklet of coupons,The Jungle By Upton Sinclair,
1 fluid ounce of Visine: Astringent Redness Reliever Eye Drops
"
"This madness has got to stop." Sakura yelled.
"SHUSH!" All the men said.
"Three kisses on the cheek,
Two slaps on the mouth
,

and one hour of hot, steamy sex.
And most importantly, her unconditional love
!"
Madara sang much louder than the others.
Sakura, looked as if she was going to have an epiphany, panted.
She got up, wordlessly, and ran to Zetsu, and dragged him to a conveniently placed closet.

Deidara and Sasori said "Aww, man."
Itachi was currently using his Visine, and Kisame leafing through Zetsu's book.
Madara, who was now Tobi, looked confused.
"Sweet, 50 off on Garnier Merchandise. I mean, not that I use that stuff." Kakuzu muttered.

Sakura ran out, and dragged Tobi back into the closet.
For the next hour and a half there was a "Do Not Disturb Sign" on the door.

"Italic" means singing.

"Bold." means either Madara or Zetsu's dark half is singing/talking.


My, in the words of my band, depressing attempt to make fun of Christmas. Well, I hope you all get the Visine joke, and if anyone knows what The Jungle by Upton Sinclair is, please tell me.

-Lolita.