Title: Forgive Me
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: Sequel to Wasted Days... It has been six months since Dean left home and not a day has gone by where I have stopped searching for him.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
It has been six months since Dean left home and not a day has gone by where I have stopped searching for him. I have slowly been being consumed by worry and guilt. I just hope that he is doing alright and taking care of himself. I hate to think of him living on the streets or something.
I remember waking up that morning, not even knowing that he was gone yet. I had stumbled into the kitchen and fixed myself a bowl of Lucky Charms. Dad was sitting at the table looking worn and completely distraught. I hadn't known what to say at the time, so I opted to stay quiet. A large part of me wanted to defend Dean, though, because I hate anyone thinking badly of my brother. This had all been too new, too fresh, though, and I knew I had to wait to have that talk when my dad would be a little more willing to listen to me.
Before I had even finished eating dad had told me to go get Dean and bring him down for breakfast. I had done so without as much as a word. Dean didn't answer when I knocked, though, nor did he respond to my calling out his name. I believe I knew at that moment something was wrong, but it didn't really hit me until I entered the room. I had walked into an empty room, and while most of his things were still there, his most prized possessions were missing.
Right at that moment I felt the weight of the situation and my knees almost buckled under the pain I felt deep down in my soul. The night before I had thought everything over and came to terms with how Dean felt for me. I was determined to not let it break us apart. I was going to tell Dean in the morning, but obviously I had waited too long. Dean had escaped in the night without knowing how sorry I was and I felt lost.
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
Looking back on six months ago, I have never been more ashamed of myself. I can only imagine how crushed he must have been by my reaction. What's worse is I told dad. I honestly don't know what made me take such an action. Part of my brain hadn't seriously registered what Dean had said, I was still in shock. When dad asked why the room was filled with so much tension, and Dean hadn't answered, I just kind of let the truth slip. If I could take that moment back I would. I had never wanted to betray Dean like that. He is honestly the last person I would want to hurt.
What I can't get out of my head is the look Dean had given me when he heard those words leave my lips. He just couldn't believe that I had told dad his secret. Hell, even I couldn't believe it. The words had just kind of slipped out without me giving it any thought. I know that is no excuse, doesn't make it right, but that is what happened.
That look had broken through the shocked daze I had found myself in, though. The pain that look caused me, accompanied by the revelation of what I had said, nearly broke me. I had never seen my brother so hurt. Just by the look on his face and in his eyes, I could tell he felt betrayed. What hurt the most was knowing I was the cause of it. In all my years, and through all of our fights, I have never seen him look at me that way.
About this time was when dad had torn into Dean, saying the most hurtful words I have ever heard. I was shocked to hear him saying such things to his own son, especially since we both know how much Dean looks up to him. And still Dean had looked over at me, that same expression on his face, along with the added resignation. The hurt, betrayal, and utter hopelessness I found on his face just about killed me, though. In that moment one thing had been painfully clear: I had destroyed my brother.
Then you look at me
You're silently broken
Hearing that my brother was in love with me just wasn't what I had been expecting when he told me he needed to talk about something serious. I don't know what I had been expecting, but that certainly wasn't even a thought in my mind.
I know what he must have thought, but I wasn't repulsed by him or disgusted in any way. I was more in a shocked daze and not really knowing what to do with this information. Sure, hearing that your brother loves you isn't something someone wants to hear, but that didn't change how I felt about him. He is still my brother and I would be lost without him; am lost without him. I want him to come home, I want to apologize and tell him that his feelings aren't going to change the bond we have. And so, that is why I haven't given up my search.
It had taken me a long time, long hours that expanded the whole of six months, but I finally located him. I had been tracking one of the credit cards and I got lucky when he finally used it. A little further research lead me to the knowledge that he is living in a small apartment building in Las Vegas. Which happens to be where I am right now. Dean isn't home at the moment, though, so I am just sitting in front of his door in the hall; waiting for him to turn up.
Leaning back against his door, I close my eyes and let out a heavy sigh. I can't deny that I am a little worried about how he will react to seeing me. I can only hope that he will hear me out and accept my apology. Of course, I also hope to bring him back home with me. Life just isn't the same without him around and I don't know what I will do if he refuses to return with me. I can't go back to how things have been the past six months, though, even if I do know where Dean is now. No, we need to stick together. It has always been him and me, hardly ever separated, and I want to keep it that way.
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
So stay with me
I sit up straight and hold my breath when the sound of footsteps can be heard on the stairs no more than three feet away from me. As soon as Dean emerges, I let out my breath in a quick exhale and am immediately standing. The movement catches Dean's attention and he stops the moment his eyes land on me. As I stare at him I swear I can literally see his guard being put up; can see him pulling away from me.
We both stand in front of each other for a long moment, neither saying anything; the awkward silence so tangible I can taste it. Then he is moving, unlocking his front door and inviting me inside. Letting out a sigh of relief, I follow him into the small apartment and take in my surroundings. He has but a few possessions and furniture, but the place feels like home and instantly I feel relaxed. I am guessing that is because this is Dean's place, though. I always feel comfortable with him.
"What are you doing here Sam? How did you even find me?" Dean asks as he takes out a beer from the fridge and takes a seat on the counter; motioning to the fridge to let me know I can grab something for myself if I want to.
"I tracked your credit card." I reply honestly, smiling slightly. He must be so proud of me, I think to myself with a silent laugh.
"Figures," He responds with a slight shake of his head, but I can see the smile that wants to climb onto his face. "So, you gonna answer my first question?"
Simply staring at him for a moment, I finally turn away and move around the room restlessly. Now that I am here, I can't find the words to express how I am feeling; how sorry I am. Would it even matter to him now after six months? Would he believe a word I have to say?
I stop moving when my eyes land on a picture frame on the small table by the stained, ripped couch. That picture used to stand on my night table. We both hate getting our picture taken, but the moment we saw this one we instantly liked it. We had fought over who got to keep it, but Dean had relented and it hadn't left my bedside since. I had known that Dean took it with him, but having the proof before my eyes causes warmth to fill my stomach.
"I came to talk to you about the night you left." I finally reply as I turn to face him. "I wanted to apologize for the way I reacted; I could have handled it better. I never meant to hurt you Dean. That is honestly the last thing I would ever want to do. I know you must've gotten the impression that I was disgusted with you, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I had just been shocked, and it took me a while to process everything. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused, though. You're the one person in my life that has ever had an impression on my life. Never would I want to hurt or disappoint you."
Dean simply stares at me after I say what I have been dying to ever since the moment I found out he left. He is analyzing me; trying to determine if I am being sincere. I try to convey just how terrible I feel and just how sorry I am with my eyes. Using my entire soul to apologize; hoping he can see the sincerity within.
You look in my eyes
And I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry
I let out a breath of relief when a small smile forms on his face and he nods his head softly. "I forgive you Sammy. You know there'd never come a day where I'd turn my back on ya."
"So, you gonna come back home with me?" I ask softly, taking quick note of the flinch that crosses his features.
"I don't know about that Sammy. With the way things were left between dad and me, what he said... I just don't know if I can face him, ever."
"Dad misses you too Dean, and he's sorry for what was said that night. He wants you to come back home, and he's trusting me to be able to do that." I respond, smiling at this last part. "He told me, and I quote, "bring that brother of yours back home where he belongs, this family sticks together". He's too stubborn to apologize, but I think you know how close enough to an apology that is."
"He really said that?" Dean asks, trying to hide the hopeful tone in his voice.
I nod my head briefly, but there is still one thing I have to make clear. "Ya know, Dean, as much as I would like to, I don't feel the same way you do."
A rueful, albeit sad, smile crosses his features and he half-heartedly shrugs his shoulders. "Yeah, I figured as much. It's okay though, I wasn't expecting you to."
"It's not that I don't want to, because we both know how great a guy you are, but my feelings just don't run that way. If I could make myself love you in that way, even just to see you happy, I would."
"That kind of love is the last thing I want Sam." Dean says firmly, almost sounding offended at the very idea. "I wouldn't want you to love me just to make me happy. I'd rather not have you at all than to have some false relationship, I couldn't live like that."
"I know that, and I would never want to cause you such pain. I can tell you that I do love you though, even if just in the brotherly sense. I don't know what I'd do without you man, life has been hell these past six months. Showed me just what life would be like without you there and I don't ever want to go through that again." I say straight from my heart, moving until I am standing right in front of him. "I need you in my life Dean. I guess the only question I have is can you handle just having me as your brother?"
"I'm more than willing to settle with that. I mean, it's better than nothing." Dean manages a sincere smile before it turns into his signature smirk. "Besides, we both know life would suck without you whining and generally being a pain in my ass."
I can't help but laugh when I hear this, and punch him on his shoulder like I do so often. "Jerk."
And with this familiar exchange, I know that everything is going to be alright between us.
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
Forgive Me - Evanescence
A/N: Okay, there it is, sorry it toook me so long to post it. Hope you're all okay with this ending. I wanted this fic to be more realistic, and having Sam realizing he was in love with Dean just didn't seem realistic to me. I still gave it a happy ending, though. So, how was it? hopeful smile