Title: Soul Snatcher
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Rated: R Just to be safe
Genre: Drama, Romance
Summary: A heated argument forces the brothers to go their own separate ways, but an unfortunate circumstance brings them back together. Sorry for the terrible summary
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
Chapter One: Leaving This Behind
I just don't know what to do anymore. I find myself getting more and more agitated by the day. I have tried to deal with it on my own, believed it would pass within time like it has always done, but this time it would appear it is here to stay. I have tried not to show it around Dean, but I fear I am failing. I just don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore and it is really pissing me off. I am usually very level headed, but this has proven to be more than I can take.
As soon as we enter our hotel room I angrily throw my luggage down onto one of the beds. I can feel Dean's stare burning a hole into my back but I don't turn to face him and I don't offer an explanation for my actions. Instead, I head into bathroom and slam the door behind me. The sound of the slam even makes me flinch, so I can imagine what Dean must be thinking.
Turning to look at my reflection in the mirror, I let out a heavy sigh and grip onto the edge of the sink; turning my knuckles white. You're just under too much stress, I think to myself as I stare back at my reflection, you need to calm down.
I really am under too much stress; I just don't know how to relieve it. I am not taking my dad's death too well. Too many issues were left unresolved and the guilt for what I have said to him over the years is eating me alive. On top of that, these feelings that I harbor for my brother are getting harder to ignore. I find myself touching him a lot more than I used to and I know it is getting on his nerves. Also, the temptation to reach out and kiss him is getting harder to resist and I fear the repercussions if I finally give in.
I really need a break from hunting before I do something I can't take back. I don't know how to approach Dean with this, though. I highly doubt he will be too keen on the idea since it seems he can never just take a break and relax for a bit. Everything is just 'move along' with him and that isn't going to change.
I am startled when the door suddenly flies open and I glare at Dean, who is standing in the doorway. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks in a stern, no bull-shitting, tone of voice.
"Excuse me?" I gape at him, shocked and not too pleased with him for taking such a tone with me.
"You've been walking around here for the past two weeks like you have a stick up your ass. And to be honest, I'm not too happy with this attitude of yours. So just tell me what the hell is going on." Dean explains, but in an annoyed tone of voice.
"It's none of your business Dean, just let it go." I respond through clenched teeth before pushing my way past him.
"Sam, do you have feelings for me?"
This question stops me dead in my tracks and I slowly turn to face him. I am sure shock is evident on my features. "What? What would make you think that?"
"I'm not stupid Sam; I see the way you look at me. Also, you're not exactly quiet in your sleep." He says softly; serious expression on his face.
I am a little embarrassed to learn about this and all the possibilities of what I may have said in my sleep fill me with dread. So, instead of admitting to anything, I get defensive, "You're crazy Dean, I don't have feelings for you."
"It would be okay if you did Sam." Dean says in a surprisingly soothing tone.
"God, Dean that is just sick and wrong on some many different levels. You really think I'm like that? You're more fucked up in the head than I thought. I don't have feelings for you, you freak! Get that through your damn head!" I scream at him, even though I don't mean a word I am saying.
"Oh, so now I'm a freak?" He asks forcefully, obviously furious. "You can stay in denial if that's what you really want to do. But tell me, if that isn't what's bothering you then what the fuck is?"
"You really want to know Dean?" I ask as I step forward; directly in his face. "Fine, I'll tell you. I am sick and tired of hunting. This may be the life you chose, but I sure as hell didn't. I hate it! All I want is to live a normal life, but the world doesn't seem to be on my side. I don't particularly want to spend the rest of my life with your ass hunting demons and whatnot. I want to quit."
"Ignorance is bliss, ain't it Sammy?" is the only response I get from Dean, and it's like a switch has been flipped; I explode.
"You want to know the truth, asshole?" I practically sneer in his face, which is unusual for me. "I hate you Dean. God, I hate you so much."
When my words finally register in his mind a blank expression covers his facial features. He does this when he doesn't want anyone to know how he is feeling inside, but I can see the hurt shining in his eyes. I can't honestly say why I said those things to him either. Sure, I do get tired of hunting all the time, and I do wish I could lead a more stable life, but I enjoy spending time with my brother; would spend the rest of my life with him if I could. And I certainly don't hate him. This is something he has thought in the back of his mind, but it isn't true. In fact, I feel terrible about saying it because I know how much it had to have hurt him.
I watch silently as he wordlessly pushes past me; not even looking at me. A fearful feeling settles in the pit of my stomach as he picks up my duffel bag and back pack.
"If you want out so badly Sammy, if you hate me that much, then just go." He says as he thrusts my things into my arms; his movements angry and jerky. "No one's keeping you here. I will be just fine on my own!"
I want to apologize, I want to tell him that I don't hate him, that I don't want to leave him, but then a thought occurs to me. Maybe if I go away for a while I could get my head on straight and decide on what to do. I could probably use the time away so I can figure out what to do about these feelings I harbor for my brother, and I can also find a way to make this up to him. I know a simple, "I'm sorry" won't make things right this time.
Looking down at my feet in shame, I whisper, "I guess I will be going then."
"Yeah, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Dean grumbles as he flops down onto his bed, refusing to look at me.
Without another word, I leave the room and softly shut the door behind me. A weight as heavy as concrete settles over my heart as I walk away from the only person I have left, and I have a feeling it is here to stay.
Once I reach the bus station a block away from the motel, I pull out my cell phone and dial Bobby's number. I really hate to call so late, but I don't have any other options.
The sound of Bobby's grumpy, sleepy voice makes me chuckle despite the situation I have found myself in. "Hey Bobby, sorry for calling so late. Did I wake you?"
"Sam?" Bobby asks in concern, sounding more alert now. "What happened? Are you and Dean okay?"
I flinch at the mention of my brother, but try not to let it show in my voice. "I will explain everything when I get there, but I was calling to see if I could stay with you for a while. Just long enough so I can figure out what I'm going to do."
"Yeah, of course, you're always welcome here." I can tell that he wants to know what is going on, but I am grateful for the fact that he isn't going to make me explain everything over the phone.
"Alright I will see you in a few hours. And Bobby, thanks a lot, I really appreciate the help."
"Yeah, yeah, just get your ass here."
Shutting the phone, I let out a sigh as I take a seat and wait for my bus to arrive.
The walk to Bobby's place was relatively short, and before long I find myself standing at his front door. The lights are on inside, so I know he is awake; probably never went back to sleep. I surely can't blame him; I had been rather vague on the phone and did nothing to calm his fears and concern. I feel really guilty about that, but I hadn't wanted to explain everything over the phone. Some things are just done better in person.
Bobby opens the door immediately after I knock and ushers me inside. He leads me into the kitchen, where I sit down at the table and he places a beer in front of me. I smile gratefully before taking a long swig of the bitter liquid.
"So, you wanna explain why you're here?" Bobby goes straight to the point. "Nothing happened to your brother, right?"
"No, nothing like that. Dean is fine, I promise. We did have an argument, though. Truths were revealed, some things were said that shouldn't have been, and now here I am." I respond, all the while staring down at the beer in my hands in shame.
"Now that's a way to be vague Sam." Bobby retorts sarcastically. "Care to explain what was said? And what exactly do you plan on doing now?"
"I told him that I don't want to hunt anymore, that I want a normal life. We argued a bit and I ended up saying something I didn't mean; something I regret. Please don't ask me to explain what I said, though, because I'm ashamed of what was said and need to find a way to apologize."
"Wasn't gonna ask, can already tell that it wasn't anything good." I can hear the disappointment in his voice, even though he doesn't know what exactly was said, and it just manages to make me feel worse.
"Needless to say, we parted ways." I say softly. "Now I just need to figure out if I want to continue hunting or if I want to start over fresh. That's why I'm here; I just need a place to stay for a while until I figure things out."
Bobby simply nods his head. "Well, I'm not gonna turn you away Sam, and I'm not gonna tell you what to do. I will tell you one thing, though. Your brother can't do this on his own. He may act like a badass who doesn't need anyone's help, but we both know he can't do this alone. He is all the family you have left, just like you are all he's got. You two need to look out for one another. Just keep that in mind while you're figuring things out."
All I can do is nod my head; not knowing what to say to that. I hadn't really thought of it that way. It makes a lot of sense, though, and just thinking of it now makes me feel guiltier about what I have done and said. Despite what these feelings are doing to me, my brother really needs me right now, and not once had I taken that into consideration.
What makes me feel the worst is the fact that I have basically been being selfish; thinking of only myself and my feelings. He obviously needs me, even if just as his brother, but I haven't been there for him. Another thing stuck on my mind is what he said. What did he mean by, "It would be okay if you did Sam"? What was he trying to tell me? He couldn't possibly return my feelings, could he? Did he mean it would be okay because he loves me too, or did he mean it would be okay because I am his brother and he would never look at me any differently?
I am pulled back to the present when I notice Bobby staring at me and I blush at being caught so far away in my head. I only hope my thoughts weren't expressed on my face; bared for Bobby's curiosity. He smiles at me in amusement, though, so I figure I am safe. If he knew what I had been thinking he sure as hell wouldn't be smiling right now. I don't know what he would be doing, but I am sure he would be disgusted.
"Alright, follow me, I'll show you to your room." Bobby says as he stands up and beckons me to follow him out of the room.
Grabbing my duffel and back pack at my feet, I silently follow him into the guest room. Upon entering the room I drop my things onto the bed and turn to face Bobby. Once again I thank him for giving me a place to stay, but he just tells me to shut up and be grateful. This said, he gives me a warm smile before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.
For a moment I just stand there, but eventually I let out a sigh and move over to the window. Looking out into the pitch black night, I allow my thoughts to carry me away. Of course, the only thing currently on my mind is Dean. I can't help but wonder how he is holding up. I really hate the way I left things between us. Hell, I hated leaving him.
I wonder what he is doing right now. Is he sleeping? Or is he like me; too troubled by everything that transpired between us? I am really hoping it isn't the latter. I hate the thought of him losing sleep over me. I also hate the fact that I have caused him pain. That was honestly the last thing I wanted to do. The last person I would want to hurt is Dean. I have hurt him, though, and now I have to figure out a way to make things right. I can only hope that I can salvage our relationship from this mess I have caused.
Turning away from the window, I move over to the full sized bed in the middle of the room and lie down. Silently, I send a prayer out to a God I have very little faith in these days, pleading with the higher power to look out for my brother and keep him safe. I figure this is a long shot since I don't know if anyone is listening to me, but it is all I have left right now.
I know that sleep will be evading me this night. Despite how exhausted I feel, my mind is too consumed to allow me any rest. So, instead, I just lie on my back and stare up at the ceiling; my heart and mind silently crying out for my brother.
Moments shared there with you
They're the best times I ever knew
They'll still be there
When goodbyes are all through
I'll remember those days
I'll remember you
Leaving's not leaving
'Cause I'm not leaving you behind
You'll always be with me
Part of my heart from time
Wherever I'm going
Even if it's just in my mind
Leaving's not leaving
I'm not leaving you behind
Leaving's Not Leaving - LeAnn Rimes