COMING TO TERMS

By Vescaus

Disclaimer: No ownership claiming here

Spoilers: General Season 4 spoilers. Takes place after Miller's Crossing but before This Mortal Coil.

Notes: Sorry for the massive delay but University takes up a great deal of my time. From now on updates will be more regular.

Chapter Two

John and his team, backed up with Lorne for good measure entered Martas rather forcefully the next day. Teera was not at the door to greet them but they pushed past the newly placed advisor and up to Sartov's office room at the top. They were met with virtually no resistance just watchful eyes of those who guarded the city from trouble. John and his team were not so heavily guarded themselves. Asking for help whilst clad from head to toe in combat gear was, in Sam's opinion, not the best way to go it.

Sartov stood up as they entered the room, his long coat swishing by his feet. His expression was stern as he regarded the four of them. "I thought I told you repeatedly not to return to Martas. No good will come to the Atlanteans here."

"Yeah, you made sure of that, didn't you," Ronon insisted, his finger itching for his gun. However, he had been told, even by John, that they were not going to solve this by shooting up the city. It was a city inhabited by civilians after all oblivious as to what goes on at the top in terms of politics. This time, they were not going to blow the whole place up.

"I believe I have told you before, I do not know what you are talking about," Sartov answered.

"I'm sure by now you've heard that your base on Guay has been destroyed. We took care of that for you. Hanol told us everything we needed to know – albeit unwillingly – about your government's support for their activities there. You were torturing innocent people. You funded the torture of these people. Of our man."

Sartov's eyes narrowed slightly. "And you believe everything that little swipe of a man Hanol told you."

"I find military men much more trustworthy than politicians," John sneered back.

Sartov looked like he was going to shout something back. Instead, he returned to the back of his office and sat in his seat, looking down upon the four Atlantis. "Colonel Sheppard, I shall enlighten you on the history of the Martas people. For over two hundred years now we have been a democratic society. Martas spans thousands of miles and there are elections here and institutions for the people that live here. Before that, however, Martas and the lands around it were run by a military faction – the Guays – and I'm sure you can imagine what their priorities were. After all, you are a military man yourself." John eyes only narrowed. "Anyway, since the revolution and the ousting of the Guays into the lands beyond the barriers of Martas we pride ourselves in our technological advancement. Medical advancement specifically. The Guays were always capable of military progression and their – unique – capabilities. We were separate peoples and there was no need for our societies to come into contact again."

"Until recently," Teyla said calmly. "Hanol told us of your co-operation. Even Teera stated you have been dealing with the Guays."

Sartov stood up, looking slightly regretful. "Unfortunately, in times like this, it all boils down to survival. Especially since the Wraith awoke early. And now…now the tides of war have changed and a new force has entered play. Everyone can feel the change even if they do not know what it is. Yet everyone knows the Atlanteans have been responsible for all the changes that have taken place recently. That of the Replicators and their plans to destroy human worlds." He cleared his throat. "The Guays had the necessary means to extract information. In return we gave them a separate area on the other side of the planet to conduct their tasks."

"Well, when we came here it must have been the perfect opportunity to extract information from us," John said.

Sartov nodded, rising from his seat. "Many people know of you, Colonel Sheppard. And of Doctor McKay. Captured Genii and even Wraith have told us much about you. Dr McKay provided us with some very…interesting and useful information himself regarding plans to destroy the Replicators."

"You cannot have the nanite programme."

Sartov approached them slowly. "I know. And I had a feeling that would be your response to my request as well. After all, receiving the glory for ridding the Galaxy of its menaces is in an Atlanteans blood. However, we can make much productive use of this nanite programme in probably a shorter amount of time."

"Trust me, you do not have the skills," John insisted slowly but firmly, wishing he could shoot the man dead. But he knew that would not solve their problems.

"I know why you have come here," Sartov suddenly said, changing the course of the direction entirely. "I am well aware of the techniques used by the Guays. I should imagine that Doctor McKay was in quite some pain when you retrieved him…"

John tried not to close his eyes to block out Rodney's screams again.

"…Technical and medical information is not exchanged between the Guays and the Martas. But I offer you a trade. In return for providing us with the nanite programme I shall retrieve the medicine that will help cure Dr McKay of his never-ending pain."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. It had always knotted John's stomach to see two faced men. Someone who was nice to one person and then cruel and malicious to another. John wondered whether the people of Martas had ever seen this since of their Chancellor before. "I'm not in the least tempted by your offer," John started. "For one, the fact that you would bargain a man's life and suffering for a piece of information makes me lose any credibility you had left. 

Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to get the cure even if you could get it from the Guays. Which I don't even think you can. You have gotten nothing out of this."

Sartov sat back in his chair a sly smile spreading across his face. "Perhaps not what I specifically wanted. But you have helped me in some ways, Colonel Sheppard. For all their uses, the Guays were a thorn in my side. With your annihilation of their complex, the faction has been completely weakened and I should not be troubled anymore. And on top of that, Dr McKay has provided us with enough information on the current situation than a thousand others could ever give." He smiled at them. "Please have a safe journey home."

John was at first worried about that implication. Yet they made it to the Stargate safely. Upon arriving, John was nearly ready to hurl his pack and berretta against a wall just to see something get smashed again.

"No go?" Sam asked, seeing the expression on his face.

Teyla shook her head. "I'm afraid Sartov was rather reluctant to help us unless we gave him the nanite programme and Colonel Sheppard refused. We will have to use the nanites in order to help Dr McKay."

Sighing with reluctance, Sam nodded. "I'll tell Dr Keller."

Three Months Ago

"Welcome to Martas," the man said.

That was the first time they met Sartov. He was fairly old, yet showed no sense of frailty. His shoulders were broad and strong and although he held a cane, it seemed to be for a damaged leg as opposed to old age. As John introduced them, he could see his eyes inspecting them as if trying to decipher whether they should be trusted or not. It seemed a complete contrast to the welcoming nature of Teera. He held strength that was noticeable to all of them. "My name is Sartov. I am the High Councillor for the Republic of Martas. This is my advisor, Teera. We were alerted by the activity of the Stargate to your presence."

"Ooh, you have sensors?" Rodney automatically interjected, earning himself a jab in the ribs from Sheppard, who didn't want to take the topic of conversation immediately onto whatever scientific facts Rodney had been accumulating in his head since they saw the city. In return, Sheppard received an indignant glare.

Sartov simply smiled a genuine reaction, the first time John believed they would be on friendly terms with the man. "We have ways of meeting our needs and specifically, protecting ourselves. You are welcome to look round some of our facilities, as I see you are probably interested in some of our defensive techniques."

Rodney nodded enthusiastically, his brain immediately conjuring up ideas of wonderful power supply units, ZPMs and other wonderful things this more than advanced society could provide them. Despite all the losses, Rodney never lost faith that there was something out there, a discovery waiting to aid them. Scientific discovery was something at least, Rodney could never lose faith in. In his mind, he was thinking that finally, a civilization could provide them with something useful for a change.

"Thanks, we'll take it into consideration," John stated, flashing Rodney a miniature grin just to annoy him, although having every intention to let Rodney run around like a pig in a playpen. "We're quite all right on the protecting our home front. We're actually quite interested on the medicine that you've been so highly acclaimed for."

Sartov looked at them for a moment, not menacingly, but more contemplatively. John wondered for a moment, how many visitors this society got and that was the reason for his slight coldness to them. Even Teera beside him seemed to shift somewhat uncomfortably, as if sensing what her boss was about to say. "You are the Atlanteans, are you not?"

John had to admire Teyla and Ronon. He, a military man, was used to keeping his emotions plain. Rodney had finally learnt to play dumb. He was happy that both Ronon and Teyla could pull off the best straight face and not give any indication of what he was talking about them him alone. Atlantis was something to be protected. It was bad enough the Wraith, the Replicators and the Genii knew the city still existed. However, with the ability to start afresh in a new planet, it was highly beneficial that the whereabouts of Atlantis be kept secret. Sadly, it seemed that nowhere in the Pegasus Galaxy could be trusted. Which was a shame considering they were ultimately after the same goals.

"You need not answer directly," Sartov said, standing up from his chair and smiling. "Only one civilization on this whole galaxy would deny access to defensive techniques. Furthermore, it's not like the exploits of the Atlanteans are unknown to us. We are extremely glad that those who now inhabit the Ancestral home world have finally come to us."

John nodded and rocked on his heels a bit. "Oh. Well, it's nice to be here...finally."

Sartov smiled as he rounded his desk enthusiastically. "The exploits of the Atlanteans are well known among the Galaxy now. But you say you are interested in medical technology. Well, we pride ourselves in our advancement of that area. It is the one good thing we have to help ourselves against the Wraith."

"I find it amazing that your advancement has gone undetected by the Wraith," Teyla noted.

"The Wraith have not come to our planet for several hundred years now." Sartov smiled genuinely and his old face, which had seemed frail when sitting down showed some youth. "It is quite remarkable considering their early awakening that they did not reach us. Since then we have tried to improve our defences. My son has been leading the research and development into aiding the strength of the borders around Martas."

John raised his eyebrows at this news and shared a look with Teyla. "That's...remarkable," he stated, although quietly admonished that any planet which had such a good record probably was not letting on as much as they should. He kept that to himself, though. There was no reason to start making enemies before formalities had even been completed. It was a shame that John didn't notice from that moment on how Sartov looked at Rodney with a sense of glee in his eyes. If he had, the next few months could have been avoided earlier on.

Present Day

The nanites seemed to be working successfully. Dr Keller reported that the damage being done to Rodney's body was diminishing bit by bit. Now it was just a waiting game. It was hoped that within forty eight hours, Rodney would be fully recovered and given a completely clean bill of health. John found it impossible to simply stand back and wait that long, however. Running helped little, as did sparring with Ronon. There was nothing left to annoy the scientists about. As he expected, John found himself heading towards the infirmary again.

Teyla was already there, sitting silently by his bedside, holding his hand. As he approached the dimmed area, he could see she was whispering in his ear presumably words of comfort as the battle continued inside of him. A fine sheen of sweat coated his skin giving his pale complexion a further pallid look. His body trembled ever so slightly as he lay on the bed occasionally tensing up and giving a soft grunt of what John presumed was pain. However, with Teyla's soothing words, his body calmed down a little bit and there was less shaking. Thank goodness, because John wasn't sure he could cope watching somebody undergo a torture where he was helpless.

"How's he doing?" he whispered.

"I believe he will be fine. The nanites are working successfully. He has woken up a few times but the procedure takes a toll on his strength. How is your head?"

"It hurts. Why is he not in a chemically induced coma? I mean, they did that with Jeannie."

"I believe Dr McKay wished to be awake. He wanted to know what was going on. Which is understandable for Rodney. He always likes to know what is going on." She stood up pushing her chair back. "Sit with him for a while. I just need to go and get a drink from the mess hall. I will be back soon."

Nodding, John simply stood where he was, staring at Rodney's form. He knew he could not be as good as Teyla in the whole comforting department. Would his voice only make things worse in Rodney's recovery given what he'd done? After all, he had technically abandoned Rodney to the Guay, which led to this whole catastrophe. Betrayal was something Rodney would exaggerate and take to heart, undoubtedly. And even if Rodney said he didn't feel betrayed…well John felt like he had. For the best part of these few months, guilt had been eaten at his very conscience. It had been guilt above all which drove him to finding Rodney. Guilt for abandonment and that he was not achieving his promise sooner.

You are far more apt at rescuing me from this situation than I would be for you. Now just go and come back for me later.

I'll come back. It won't be long, I promise.

What John hadn't been able to promise was exactly how long coming back would take.

Of course he'd protested. For all the clichés, he considered it his duty to protect the people of Atlantis, and when out in the field, to protect his team. He'd failed miserably three months ago. Watching Rodney disappear on that strange contraption, taken somewhere thousands of miles away was one of the most difficult things John had to do. He'd always been the one to sacrifice himself or do the dirty work. Teyla and Ronon were perfectly capable of handling themselves in difficult situations and had their self sacrificial moments. Rodney, on the other hand, was different. John didn't want to use the word protect – that word applied less and less to Rodney these days. He had grown into a rather competent soldier himself, understanding battle and seeing sacrifice where necessary.

John regretted that it had inevitably happened.

A louder grunt of pain brought John out of his reverie. Turning his gaze onto the occupant on the bed, he was surprised to see Rodney's eyes open. "You're awake. Rodney, can you hear me?" Rodney closed his eyes and after a second, nodded. "Are you in pain?"

A chuckle escaped Rodney's mouth and although John was happy to hear him make a sound, the bitterness encased in that hoarse sound didn't make him feel convinced. "I think I'm probably always in pain. It's all relative now." The glassiness in Rodney's eyes reminded John of the drug induced state Rodney was in and the delirium he was probably experiencing at the hands of all this pain.

"You should have gone into the coma," John insisted. "At least for the two days."

Rodney closed his eyes again and hissed through his teeth as his body clenched for a second or two. Then he relaxed and collapsed back on the bed again. "It's not so bad. It's like I can feel it working inside me. They're getting down to it, repairing damaged cells and killing off…whatever caused this. It's ingenious, really, what the Pegasus Galaxy has. I could spend forever studying it."

"Yeah, studying is better than experiencing, I'm sure."

Rodney laughed again then railroaded right over his statement. "Then again…it's the ultimate experiment. Hands on approach. What better way to study than to experience?"

"Well next time, controlled conditions, what do you say?" Rodney nodded vigorously.

There was silence for a few minutes apart from Rodney's laboured breathing. The man was staring at the ceiling as if concentrating, willing the nanites to do their work quickly and get down to it. John wondered if Rodney knew someone was there let alone who it even was. He was shaking but John couldn't bring himself to touch him. He didn't feel like he deserved to, besides what good would it do? If it were him in that bed, he would find sympathetic touches annoying and meaningless. Rodney was not one for nonchalance and sympathy for the sake of sympathising. After all there was nothing Jon could do. Except state that eventually it would be all right.

"Do you think," Rodney suddenly said, breathy, blinking rapidly. "Do you think…a person can be punished enough for everything they've done wrong?" His eyes met John's inquisitive ones but quickly looked away as if he found them too intense or maybe he was embarrassed. His breath hitched a little as his hands began to grab at the bed sheets. "I've never believed in God. Heaven, hell or purgatory. It all seems so pointless. There's enough crap in the real world to deal with…without having to worry about afterwards. But since coming to the Pegasus Galaxy and having done all the things I've done, I'm beginning to wonder…wonder if someone has it in for me. Someone on a higher plane who's decided this really is it for me."

"Rodney." John knew that was not the response that he was looking for. It also came out harsher than he intended to. But he didn't know what to say and he certainly didn't want to hear Rodney talking about this. It unnerved it.

"I've had a lot of time to think," Rodney said, his voice going quieter but his shivering began to get more intense. "If I wasn't having some kind of pain inflicting session with Hanol, I was sitting in that cell listening to the sounds of other people. Others being tortured, possibly killed or just sitting in their cells in their delirium, talking to themselves over and over and over again. I had to think these thoughts out loud just stop those sounds getting into my head; it was driving me mad. And what I thought…What killed me in that cell sometimes after Hanol was finished – what killed me was lying there in the dark thinking of all the people that have died. All those thousands of people who had died indirectly by we – what I – have done here on Atlantis. I'll never even know how many…" His voice became quieter and quieter and more horrified as he spoke.

"…Rodney, stop," John hissed firmly.

"We've done terrible things since coming here," whispered now, barely audible. "We've done more bad than good for the people. All I ever wanted to do was study the Ancients and follow them. And in doing so I've found out that we are no better than they were. It wasn't worth the loss of all this life. Of Elizabeth, I don't think I can ever forgive myself. Or the people dying at the hands of the Replicators or Wraith for a war that we started. I started this war and I cannot forgive myself. My God, I can't even get over Carson and the many different ways that day could have panned out if I'd just listened." Rodney took a scary sounding intake of breath, as if he was choking. His eyes had begun watering and the restless movements were only increasing. "I'm a real serial killer."

John leaned forward and grabbed Rodney's shoulders. "You didn't kill anybody, Rodney, now snap out of this."

Rodney made a sound that sounded like a sob and turned his head to the side, his hand gripping the sheets in an iron grip. "Carson…get Carson," he whispered quietly, making John's hand freeze from where they were clasped around Rodney's shoulders.

"John!" a voice shouted from the doorway and his head turned to see Teyla there, a thunderous look on her face.

For a long moment they were simply staring at each other. John knew his action was hardly the appropriate one to give to a suffering patient and he expected Teyla to well and truly reprimand him in a way that only Teyla could. Morally, Teyla could make anybody feel bad and right now, John did not need that. "I don't know what to say to him," he only rasped, his fingers loosening their hold on Rodney's shoulders as he continued to babble in the background about Carson, Elizabeth, the Replicator/Wraith War and a whole load of things that John spent every day in his spare time trying to forget.

Teyla nodded and approached him as a nurse seemingly appeared out of nowhere to administer some more multi-named drugs into Rodney's system. Almost immediately the sob like noises and restless movements ceased and his exhausted figure collapsed on the bed. Teyla looked at John firmly. There was a painfully long silence, broken only by the sound of Rodney's laboured blabbering and the heart monitor beside him. John could think of nothing to say to justify his actions and Teyla was waiting for her own anger to subside before she could objectively speak.

"Dr Keller says that the nanites would – wreak havoc, I believe she said – on Rodney's body. They would cause fever and possibly delirium as they repaired him. It is understandable that he would say or do strange things. Also, he is still in a state of shock over what has happened. His adrenaline levels have been abnormally high since his rescue."

John shook his head, barely processing the medical justifications she was giving. He stepped away from the bed and slumped into a seat nearby. "I can't do it, Teyla. I don't think I can help Rodney out of this."

The Athosian's eyes widened in disbelief and worst of all, disappointment. "But John…you are best equipped to help Rodney through this time." You are far more apt at rescuing me from this situation than I would be for you. "You cannot abandon him."

"I can't," John answered. "I can't answer his questions, I can't lie to him to make him feel better and tell him it's going to be all right when it's probably not. How am I, of all people, going to do this and know…"

Teyla paused. "Know what, John?"

Instead of answering, he turned around and walked towards the door. "It…it doesn't matter, all right? There are just some things people can't do, even for friends. Now, I know that makes me sound bad and I'm sorry. But there are people more suited to helping Rodney than me. I'll only make things worse." And for the second time in two days he left the infirmary feeling unsatisfactory, this time leaving a bemused Teyla.

TBC...