"JAMES POTTER! PUT YOUR WAND BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"
(In which Lily is hypnotized, possibly because of a pre-exisiting condition, unfortunately, this excludes her from rebates on her treatment as her medical insurance does not cover said-condition or any other pre-existing conditions for that matter. Regrettably, no insurance companies actually cover it. The dirty bastards.)
Lily's diary, found and transcribed by thehiddenauthor (who secretly likes to pretend that she is Lily, when in fact she is Cate)
Disclaimer: If you don't know JKR's work from mine, you are a dumb, slightly cross-eyed cat called Spot. (By the way Cate is looking for you, and so is Lily, but Lily is worried you are breeding).
Dedication: Gosh, a big thankies and much non-lezzie luuuuuuuurve must go out to my readers, and even more so, my reviewers who are still reading despite the sparse updates. I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve all of you girls (in a non-lezzie way, of course), and would like to dedicate this chapter you!
Author's Note: The last bit of the chapter description will be comprehended by any sane person (i.e. anyone who watches the Catherine Tate Show), if you are not one of these sane people, please visit your local asylum (e.g. Blockbuster). P.S Is anyone aware whether there is a rebate on Mind-Cate related psychotherapy?
16. I think I love James Potter. Merde.
Still Monday September 5th
In my room…
…And unfortunately still alive.
Alive and under a pillow.
A really big, fluffy pillow.
Not unlike my really big pile of merde, which I also seem to find myself under.
Often, in fact.
WHERE IS CATE WHEN I NEED HER?!?!!?
WHO CARES ABOUT CATE!!!!
WHERE ARE MY SLEEPING PILLS!??!?!
On the Line Between Hysterical and Bonkerosity
WHERE ARE MY PYJAMAS!?!?!
THEY ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITES!!!!!
Under my pillow where I left them.
And I don't even have sleeping pills.
I think I need a drink.
One minute later
Did I really just say I needed a drink?!
It's her fault.
You know who I mean (Cate: if you are reading this [and you probably/definitely are] it means YOU)
One minute later
Did I mention how much my life sucks right now?
The answer is A LOT.
Two minutes later
In a desperate attempt to turn my shamble of a life around, I Lily Po-I MEAN EVANS, I Lily EVANS promise to do the following:
One: Stop looking like a tomato, I did not fall off the back of a farmer's cart
Two: Increase my IQ by using really big words, ALL THE TIME, meaning constantly and continually.
Three: Ignorez-vous Potter and Black. They are unquestionably the root of all evil, actually mean the quintessence of all evil. That's better.
Four: Stop think about how incredibly hot Potter is. Merde. I MEANT to say how incredibly unattractive and minger-ish Potter is.
Five minutes later
I haven't even eaten anything.
Mum will think I am trying to be like that really weird tree girl, whatsherface.
One minute later
On the move
I am on my way to the kitchens, walking in a really cool spy-ish type way.
Hopefully I won't come across anyone as I am in my fluffy slippers and "Go Girl!" t-shirt.
The head girl can have a life too.
Even if her nunga nungas are a bit on the small side, her elbows are sticky-outy and she really needs glasses.
And possibly a fashion consultant.
But apart from that she is a perfectly normal person.
Even if she does spent half her life in the toilet.
Still on the move
Now I am talking in the third person!
Mon dieu! What is next?!
I am becoming quite the sad sack.
Even in shape.
All is quiet for a change.
I feel all aloney on my owney.
Except, I like not being around constant, NO ubiquitous distractions.
Now, for the super huge chocolate cookie I know is going to my thighs and not my nunga nungas.
Sometimes life is cruel.
Life's Latest Cruelty: Breaking update!
Potter is walking this way. Merde.
Perhaps if I stand in this miniscule nook, and suck my tummy in he will walk straight past me, and I shall be proclaimed a super secret cookie agent!
Two seconds later
In five, four, three, two, one…
Being Carried to the Hospital Wing
I am being carried, BRIDAL STYLE, by James Potter to the hospital wing.
"Are you okay Lily? I'm really sorry!"
God he sounds like a little titch.
All I can make is little growly noises because I am in aggers.
I will avenge my nose breaking!
In the Hospital Wing
Madame Pomfrey is bandaging my nose and pouring out potions that look like they came out the wrong side of someone.
James is sitting here being all crawlerish with the "Oooh Madame Pomfrey can I do anything?"'s.
Clearly Buddha is not on my side either.
Perhaps Madame Pomfrey has a magazine on anti-religion that I might enjoy reading to distract myself from the agonizing pain of having a sideways conk!
She gave me the weirdest look when I asked her if she had an anti-religion magazine and then scuttled off.
I am abandoned by all except those which I WISH IN SHEER DESPERADOES would abandon me.
I mean for all ETERNITY.
That means James Potter.
Despite his mildly attractive features, I WANT HIM DEAD.
I ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HATE HIM.
Who am I kidding?
I love James Potter!
Maybe I love him as a result of having goody-two shoes boys mooning all over me?
Maybe he is my rebellion?
Maybe I should just stop being so philosophical and ask for more painkillers?
I'll go with option three thank you.
One minute later
Would you like fries with that?
Was that out loud?
Monochromatic colour scheme loading in 3…2…1…
A second later
WHY BABY JESUS?!?!?!?
Tuesday 6th September
I must find Cate and discuss some sort of evil scheme that is worthy of two…scheming things?
A WHOLE ARMY OF SCHEMING THINGS!!!!
8:15 and three quarters
I think painkillers make me a bit hysterical.
Maybe I should go to breakfast?
Getting out of bed seems like a good start.
Yes, let's start with that…
But it's so warm, and I am all snugly buggly!
Merlin's Y-Fronts! It's blueberry pancakes day!
Run, run, pant, pant. (about 20 times mind you!)
Gosh, I think nose replacement must require intense physical therapy elsewhere. I mean your nose is connected to everything!
Even your-Mind-Cate began.
Ugh, Go away Mind-Cate!!! I don't have time for this!!
Besides, clearly, things have been swept under the rug here at Hogwarts.
…Then again, that could be due to the fact Madame Pomfrey doesn't seem like one who has engaged in 'physical therapy' in years.
Lils even old people get some 'physical therapy', Mind-Cate reminded me. I mean think of your parents, and those old people who go to tantric yoga classes in matching fluorescent lyrca outfits.
Maybe those pancakes aren't such a good idea.
Stopping for a breather outsidethe Great Hall
Phew. Made it.
With a half-hour of pancake stuffing awaiting me.
Oh great, Cate has decided to sit with my favourite, and ever ubiquitous not-friends.
And a cat perched on her shoulder, as if she was a pirate.
Well, I can't just stand here forever…
"Salutations associates, and acquaintances!" I said, classily and elegantly perched myself on the bench. (Mental note: +5 IQ points)
"Yarrrr…A hello to you young lassie!" Cate replied grizzily.
"Ummmm, ok. Whatever." (-10 IQ points) I uttered, turning myself towards the pancake platter.
Cate looked at me as if to say 'err…what the Christ on a bike?'
Oh, right, drool equals not attractive.
Halfway through the 'Leaning Tower of Pancakes'
Some Ravenclaw is walking towards us, looking extremely an-infuriated.
Oooh and she is carrying a cardboard receptacle…(i.e. a Cardboard box, Hobo's house. You get the idea!)
I have the feeling this will be RE: the Marauders. As it habitually is.
I pulled Cate under the table with me.
"Lils, why are we under a table?" Cate asked, certainly being the smartest question she had ever asked in her life.
"Thhhhshsh." I replied with my mouth full of pancakes.
"WHAT?" Cate asked loudly, as if she was an old cat-lady.
"There you are!" snapped the Ravenclaw girl, who's bra was obviously stuffed.
Cate and I poked our heads out from under the table looking sheepish.
Prissy-bum Ravenclaw girl then proceeded to thrust the box into Cate's arms and stormed off, not realizing her skirt was tucked into her pink, frilly underwear.
Slinking back into our seats, I decided to make the most of my insanely amusant-ness.
"Don't you think it's ironic that she is in Ravenclaw and has small tits, when an eagle is a big bird?"
The boys jaws dropped enough for an eagle to happily fly inside.
"Moooooooooooooooooony?" Sirius wailed, "Did Lily Goody-two-shoes Evans just talk about boobs?"
"I believe she did, Sirius."
"This must be that awesome dream of mine again…quick Moony, grab popcorn! The girl-on-girl bit is coming up!"
"Sirius, this is not your lesbian dream again, I highly doubt that Cate is going to pull a-"
"Hmmmahmmmham" Peter cleared his throat as McGonagall walked past.
"-Out of that box," Remus finished.
"What was that Remus?" I inquired cocking my eyebrow. Oo-er.
"I'm sorry Lily, I can't repeat it again, I have already filled today's quota for dirty words."
Cate's eyes were verging on the size of Ja-Potter's ego, as she stared into the carboard receptacle/box.
"See Moony, I told you." Sirius said pompously.
Slowly I saw Cate put her hands into the box and pull out…
SPOT HAD BRED.
Safely in between Peter and Remus.
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemus?" I asked.
"Yes, Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyy," he replied mocking me.
"Can I please have some chocolate?" I answered, batting my eyelashes, like some blind fool.
"Because, the head's tower is on the other side of the school, and I won't be able to get there and back in time."
Remus stared blankly.
"JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN CHOCOLATE LUPIN!" I screeched.
Out of his pocket, Remus flung a bar of Honeyduke's chocolate onto my desk.
"My precious," I said in a Smeagle-type-way, ripping at the wrapping like some sort of fat kid.
Mmmmmmmm…Did I mention how much I loooooooove Choco-latté?
Which is actually pronounced chocolate, but I just like to say it as Choco-latté.
Not this fandango again!!!
Jam-POTTER- Potter has arrived and has decided to plonk his nicely-toned ass in front of me.
How could you do this to me Buddha?
After I said you were the Coke and not the Pepsi.
I am feeling particularly betrayed.
I may have to reconcile with my ex-homeboy J. Christ.
9:12 (Flitwick has finally made it up the stairs. Hallelujah!)
Today we are being assigned partners, and are practicing magnetism charms.
Guess who my partner is?
Potter is my partner.
And we're supposed to be attracting each other.
One minute of awkward silence later
Well, if we're supposed to be attracting each other, I have no work to do.
I am off Scott-free, or perhaps more accurately, Potter-Free!
Merde. Here comes Flitwick!
Feeling Flitwick little eyes fixed on me
Okay Lily Po-EVANS.
You can do this Lily Evans.
Jam- I mean, Potter and I nodded to each other
"Magnetio!" We said simultaneously
Shuffling off to the Hospital Wing
We must have missed Flitwick's reminder to not put all of our power behind the spell.
I must have been too embarrassed and disturbed about getting Potter as a partner.
Anyways, somehow, I managed to knee Potter in the balls, and got my tits smashed up against his rather hard, and deliciously toned abdomen, oh, and my nose might have been re-broken on his very hard pecks.
Any other girl would be enjoying this.
I will have to ask Cate to pick up my habit from the drycleaners now.
In the Hospital Wing
For some reason, Madame Pomfrey can't get us un-stuck.
And she probably thinks I'm some drug addict.
I am doomed to be stuck with Potter for the rest of my life.
And a divorce can't solve it.
Damn you lawyers.
Damn you all.
Author's Note: Thanks everyone for reading! When there are 20 reviews, the brand new, sparkly, tiptop chapter will be up.
Until then peace, love and magnetic Potter's to you all,