Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller or I dream of jeannie. Nor will I make any profit from this work of fiction.

Ten things that never happened on Barney Miller.

By: Ra'Ay'Mond.


Lieutenant Scanlon's body jerks up and down, while his head moves left to right. He performs these movements with enough energy and fluidity to give the casual onlooker motion sickness.

The lieutenant displays a reptilian grin. This reveals tiny, piranha like teeth. After staring at Wojo for several seconds he finally says, "Five thousand dollars in gold coins and a diamond the size of a goose egg in your locker. A Picasso painting found propped-up against your desk. And let us not forget the recent deposit of fifty thousand dollars into your savings account. A preliminary review of possible misconduct in your captain's office in one minute. All this, one day before the bribery and corruption investigation. And you want to know if you can run to the men's room?"

Scanlon moves right up to Wojo's anxious looking face. He gently but firmly pokes him several times in the chest with a rolled up newspaper that he always seems to have in his right coat pocket. He then waves his newspaper toward the men's room and dramatically says, "SURE! GO RIGHT AHEAD! But be sure to wash your hands when you're done." The Lieutenant turns away from Wojo in disgust as he finishes his last thought by hissing, "There's nothing I hate more then a dirty cop!"

A now enraged Sgt. Wojciehowicz stalks into the men's room. Lt. Scanlon eyeballs the remaining detectives in the room. He gives them a tight-lipped smile as he hisses a gravelly order, "Make sure he doesn't leave the squad room!"

He turns away to go into Barney's office. He then suddenly makes a full circle and tells the detectives, "Oh, when I done 'interviewing' Sgt. Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz, I've got a few questions for the rest of you. So, don't make any plans for the next, twelve to twenty-four hours. Ha ha ha!"

He once again turns toward Captain Barney Miller and Inspector Frank Lugar. He looks Barney up and down, and gives him a dirty look before saying, "Miller! I always knew that you had some crooked cops in your house. Now I just got 'a find out how many. And how far up it goes."

Upon hearing this, Barney flies into a rage. As the three men step into his office he screams, "Scanlon…Granted this are unusual circumstances! However…I am positive that Det. Wojciehowicz will be able to explain these…possessions!"

Before Scanlon can interrupt, Barney continues, "And further more, none of these objects has come up on the hot-sheets. So we know that their not stolen!"

Capt. Miller stands nose-to-nose with Lt. Scanlon as he says, "And you had sure as hell better have more then a rolled up news paper to back up any allegations about me, or my men doing anything illegal! Because if it turns out that this is just another one of your witch-hunts, I will personally see to it that you're finished on the force! Do I make my self clear, Lieutenant?"

As the door is closing to the captain's office you can hear Inspector frank Lugar's deep New York accent chime in, "You tell'em Barney. In addition, you can put this in your report Lt. Scan-lon, da days of you desk-jockeys at in-ter-nal af-fairs riding on'a backs of hard working cops is long gone! And if your even thing about bringing up the waitress in Ben-son-hurst, well that was years ago! The department knows all about it smart guy!"

Several seconds after the door to Barney's office shuts, Wojo sticks his head out of the men's room. He peaks around the corner and whispers for Det. Arthur Dietrich to come over to him. Once Dietrich gets near the men's room door, Wojo asks him to come in. He tells Dietrich that he needs to tell him something…very important.

After Dietrich steeps into the men's room, Wojo closes the door and explains where the gold coins, the diamond and the Picasso came from.

Once he hears Wojo's explanation, Dietrich stares at him silently for several seconds. When he does speak, it's in his usual deep, deadpan voice, "You've had several days to come up with an excuse, and that's the best you can do?"

Before Wojo can answer, Dietrich rises up his right hand in a halt fashion. He then continues, "OK. Let me get this straight. Several days ago, after that big storm. You went swimming at Coney Island. That's when you found a bottle with a Genie in it. And when you opened it, she became your magical servant. Granting your every command."

Dietrich continues, "However, you've come to find that she grants your requests to the letter. The result of this is that you never get the sought-after benefit that you requested. Also, the wish detrimentally affects your life, and the lives of others around you. And you are hopping that I can help you precisely word your wish, to clean up this mess with Lt. Scanlon. Hopefully, with no negative backlash. Am I correct so far?"

Wojo nods his head yes and lets out a loud sigh. He fills that since Dietrich is aware of his secret, he is much closer to getting his life back on track.

Wojo feels this way for about three seconds. Then Dietrich gets uncharacteristically angry as he says, "A Bigger crock-of-crap I never heard!" Wojo unconsciously takes a steep back from Dietrich's verbal assault.

"Look Wojo…if you're looking for an insanity defense, that story just might keep you out of prison. But your days of being a cop are over. And if that's the case, please don't drag me or anyone else down with you."

"None of us think that you're a thief. But all of us are about to suffer because of your new found wealth." Dietrich turns his back on Wojo and is about to open door to leave as he says, "Now I got 'a get back to work. And you got a meeting to go to."

As Dietrich reaches for the door, Wojo looks up toward the ceiling and says, "OK Jeannie, now."

At that moment, out of nowhere, a pillar of smoke appears. It first moves from the top of the ceiling and lowers itself to the floor. Then it quickly takes the shape of a beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde woman. She is wearing a sort of red and burgundy bikini that is slightly covered in scarves. And her hair is wrapped in a ball, hidden under a fez cap.

As soon as she materializes, she smiles as she looks deep into Wojo's eyes and says, "Yes master!"

Dietrich stops dead in his tracks. He pushes his glasses back up his nose to get a better look at Jeannie. Once he recovers, he turns toward Wojo and says, "OK, so I'm wrong! First time for everything!"