The Birds and the Bees.
Fake Pregnancies! Misunderstandings! Toilet Paper! A comedy of errors like you've never seen before, starring the characters from That 70's Show! Will eventually be JH. J/D friendship.
Takes place early in season 8. My way of resolving some issues that could have been fixed early on.
I know this plot has been done a million times, but never like this… at least, I don't think it has. Although part of me feels like I've written this before.
As your Christmas gift to me, please review!
Donna was on her bed, trying to read in peace when Jackie came marching into her room, waving her hands around in a fit.
"What's gotten into you?" Donna instantly regretted asking this question, as she already knew what had gotten into Jackie. After a long string of unfortunate misunderstandings, Jackie and Hyde had broken up, and not only that, but Hyde had gotten married to a trashy stripper from Vegas, and didn't seem as though he was going to do anything about it.
"Steven Hyde's sperm, that's what!" Jackie answered as she waved a pregnancy stick in Donna's face.
"Wait, what?" Donna asked as she reached out to steady Jackie's hand. "Dear god that says positive." She said after reading the plus sign on the stick.
"I know!" Jackie exclaimed. "I'm having that jerk's child. Inside me is half a jerk!"
"Have you told him?" Donna asked, still in shock. She wasn't sure how she should react. Should she be happy for Jackie, sad, supportive, should she go down to the basement and kick Hyde's ass?
"Oh yeah, that'll be fun." Jackie replied. "Steven, I know you left me for a ho-bag stripper and all, but I just wanted to let you know that you're going to be a father, to which he'll just accuse me of either A, lying to get him back, or B, ask me if it's not Michaels."
"Well, you're going to have to tell him eventually." Donna told her. She knew deep down, they still loved each other and all of this could be resolved if they just stopped being so stubborn.
"I'll tell him when I can look at him without needing to barf." Jackie said.
"Are you sure that's not just morning sickness?" Donna asked.
Jackie shrugged. "That's entirely possible." She conceded.
Jackie gathered up all her nerves and set on towards the basement to see if she couldn't talk to Hyde in private. She knew Donna had been right, and that the best thing to do was to just tell him as quickly as possible. It would be like ripping off a band aid. When she got to the basement however, she found that not only was Hyde there, but Kelso was too.
"Uh, Steven, can I talk to you alone for a minute?"
Hyde glanced at her and shook his head. "No, I'm busy."
"You're watching T.V" Jackie countered.
"I can go." Kelso said, not wanting to get involved in their mess.
"No, stay." Hyde ordered. "I don't want to listen to Jackie's excuses anymore."
"Oh please." Jackie huffed. "This isn't even about that."
"Yeah, right." Hyde scoffed.
Jackie wasn't sure if it was her hormones or her nerves, or just Hyde's tone, but she uncrossed her arms, marched back to the door and before leaving, said. "You know what, we don't need you, but remember this day, because soon, you're going to remember it as the day where you ruined the rest of your life!" She yelled the last sentence before storming out.
Hyde watched as Jackie stomped out of the basement. He smiled sadly at her going away, forgetting that Kelso was also in the room.
"You still love her." Kelso stated.
"Do not." Hyde replied. "Jackie's nothing but a cheating, lying, succubus of a bitch."
Kelso shook his head. "Dude, do you really think Jackie would cheat on you? Don't you think she's been cheated on enough in her life to know how it feels?"
Hyde didn't respond though, because he knew Kelso had a point. "What do you think she meant by we don't need you?"
Kelso shrugged. "Eh, it's Jackie, who knows what she means."
"Yeah." Hyde said, but something still felt off to him.
Jackie was just about to get into her car when Kitty Forman came out the kitchen door. "Oh Jackie, there you are, have you eaten?"
Jackie shook her head. "No." She knew where this was going though, and wasn't looking forward to it.
Kitty smiled however. "I'm just not used to Eric being away, and so I made some extra food, would you and Donna like to come over for dinner?"
How much food did Mrs. Forman make? Jackie however, knew better than to argue with her, and so she said yes. All she had to do now was tell Donna.
Later that day, Hyde went to the Pinciotti's to see how Donna was doing since Eric had left. With him being gone, he knew that Donna was going to need someone to talk to, and he also knew that person would definitely not be Jackie, Kelso or Fez, and so that left him. As he walked towards Donna's bed room however, he stopped to go to the bathroom.
Inside a glass cup was the pregnancy test. Hyde picked it up slowly and read the results.
"Oh god." He gagged. He dropped the test into the sink and ran out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. He then ran into Donna's room.
"You're pregnant?" He yelled at Donna.
Donna looked surprised. "What?" She asked.
"I found your pregnancy test in your bathroom! You're having Forman's kid?"
Donna was about to say that she wasn't when she saw Jackie standing behind Hyde, shaking her head.
"Yes, yes I am." Donna lied. "I am having Eric Forman's love child, even though he's all the way in Africa and won't get to see me or the baby for another year. Woe is me."
Hyde went and sat down by Donna on the bed. Donna looked around him to see Jackie mouthing thank you before disappearing into the hallway before Hyde noticed she was there.
"Damn, this is huge." Hyde stated.
"Bigger than big." Donna agreed. "I uh, hope you don't mind, but I want to tell Eric before anyone else knows."
"Well, you better not tell Jackie then." Hyde joked.
"Um, yeah, she already knows." Donna said. "I uh, had to tell her. You know, best friends and all."
Hyde remained silent for a moment. "Yeah…. So uh, this is probably the greatest burn ever."
"Oh, you have no idea." Donna replied with a knowing smile. "No idea at all."
"What the hell was that?" Donna pounced on Jackie as soon as Hyde left and she came back in the room.
"I'm sorry!" Jackie cried. "I just couldn't tell him."
"So you made me tell him that it's mine?" Donna asked. "What do you want me to do, stick a pillow up my shirt?"
"Would you?" Jackie asked.
"No!" Donna yelled. "Jackie Burkhart, what the hell have you gotten me into?"
What had she gotten Donna into? She was the one who was having a kid.
"That reminds me, Mrs. Forman asked us to come to dinner." Jackie told Donna with false cheerfulness.
The moment Donna and Jackie walked into the Forman's kitchen, they were greeted by the sight of a pink ass sticking up from the refrigerator. Both Donna and Jackie crossed their arms as they waited for the stripper to turn around.
"Ahem." Jackie coughed.
Samantha turned around in surprise. "Oh, uh, hi!"
Jackie however, remained with her arms crossed.
"Uh, hello." Donna said for them. "So… you're a stripper."
"Yep." Sam said cheerfully. "It's really good money."
Jackie laughed. "Oh, and what do you do with all your stripper money, use it to buy back your self esteem?"
"Actually," Sam said with a smile, "I used it to buy a trans-am."
"You mean that piece of shit rusted out thing outside?" Jackie asked. "I thought the garbage man had left that there by mistake."
Donna bit back a laugh. It was kind of fun watching someone else be on the receiving end of Jackie's burns.
"Aren't you Hyde's ex?" Sam asked. "Yeah, he told me about you."
Jackie could only imagine what he had said about her. "I bet."
Not wanting to spend another minute alone with her, Jackie gave Donna the secret girl nod for I'm going into the living room to hang out with the Forman's, or throw up, I can't decide which yet, and then left the room.
Donna watched Jackie leave and then went to the refrigerator for an orange soda.
"She doesn't seem very nice." Sam commented.
Donna shrugged. "She is, but she sort of has a thing against skanks stealing her boyfriend." And with that, she went into the living room to join Jackie and the Formans.
"This is nice." Red Forman commented about Kitty's pot roast. "Best ever." In truth, it was only her third best pot roast, but he was trying to ease the awkwardness.
"Yeah, Kitty, this is fantastic." Bob agreed. He really did think it was fantastic, as he wasn't very observant, and thus had no idea about the tension surrounding the dining room table.
Kitty knew that Red was lying through his teeth about her pot roast, and she also knew that the next time she invited the girls over for dinner; she should re think the seating arrangements. Poor Jackie had somehow gotten stuck between Donna and Steven, who was pointedly ignoring the poor girl while he talked to Sam on his other side.
Jackie kept her head down, not wanting to look anyone in the eye.
"You okay?" Donna whispered in her ear.
"I feel sick." Jackie replied in a low tone.
Donna nodded. "Ugh, I have to uh go to the bathroom, Jackie, will you come with me?" She requested, pulling Jackie up from her seat. The two girls ran quickly from the room.
"Does anyone else feel ill?" Kitty asked, worried that her pot roast had given Donna food poisoning.
"Nope." Everyone quickly answered.
"I think it was great, Kitty." Sam smiled as she got up from her chair. "I actually got you something, for letting me stay here." She walked out as though she was going to go to the basement, but what she really did was go into the living room, up the stairs and towards the bathroom in order to spy on the girls.
"That's disgusting." Donna said.
"You're telling me." Jackie argued. "Ugh, I can't believe this."
"Jackie is this how it's going to be for the next nine months, because I can't be pregnant…" Sam heard all she needed to hear. She ran down stairs and into the dining room.
"Donna's pregnant!" She announced.
"She's what?" Everyone but Hyde shouted at the same time. Hyde however, kept his eyes on Sam's hands, which were empty.
"Where's the present you got for the Formans?" He asked.
Sam was confused for a moment, but then caught herself. "Oh, right, well, I must have forgotten it when I heard Jackie and Donna talking about Donna being knocked up."
"What?" Both girls asked in surprise from behind Sam.
Everyone turned to Donna. Bob stood up from his chair and walked towards his daughter. "I'm going to kill Eric."
"Dad, it's okay, really." Donna said, trying her best to keep her very innocent boyfriend alive. "No need to kill Eric just yet."
"Besides, a lion is sure to get him for you Bob." Red scowled.
"How did you find out?" Jackie asked the stripper, ignoring the conversation about Eric.
"I heard you and Donna talking." Sam answered.
"Okay, uh, what exactly did you hear?" Jackie asked.
Sam repeated what she had heard.
"So that's it?" Jackie asked, relieved.
"Yeah, Donna said she couldn't be pregnant, why, what else did you two say?"
"That's none of your business." Donna interjected.
"Yeah, I'm A, and She's B, and so that must make you C, so 'C' you're way out of this conversation." Jackie stated.
"Wait, why are you A and I'm B?" Donna asked.
"Because A stands for annoying." Hyde said. Jackie just looked over at Hyde and glared.
And then her nausea came back. She grabbed onto Donna's arm.
"Oh uh shit." Donna said quickly. "Damn morning sickness, not just in the mornings is it… we'll be right back." She and Jackie walked quickly out of the room.
"You better hope that lion gets Eric." Bob told Red. "Cause when he gets home I'm whopping him good."
Hyde walked out of the Forman's house as Jackie was getting into her car.
"Hey Jackie, wait up." He called.
Jackie stayed in her car and waited.
"Uh, so I guess that's what you wanted to talk to me about huh, you know, Donna and the baby.?"
Jackie shook her head. "Yep, that's it." She lied.
Hyde leaned up against the car. "Yeah, man, Forman's going to freak."
"You think?" Jackie asked, wanting to end this conversation as quickly as possible. She was already feeling nauseas again.
"I know I'd be freaked." Hyde answered. "If it was Sam who was pregnant, I'd panic."
"Uh, yeah." Jackie said. "What if it was me?" She had no idea why she asked that.
Hyde laughed. "Yeah, right." He said. "Good one, Jackie." He then hit the top of her car and walked away.
Jackie pulled her door shut and hit her steering wheel. She looked down at her stomach. "Please don't be like your father."
Will Hyde ever figure out that Jackie's pregnant? Will Donna be forced to stick a pillow up her shirt? Will Sam ever give the Forman's their present? Will Jackie be able to look at Hyde without needing to barf? Next update will be after the New Year!