DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter Summary: a series of drafts of letters written by Remus Lupin to Albus Dumbledore.
London 12th July 1991
Thanks for offering me the DADA teaching job. Unfortunately, I cannot accept it, because
London 20th August 1991
I'm very sorry I did not answer the two letters you sent me in June and the one you sent me in the early August. I'm glad to hear that you have found a replacement for the DADA position (Professor Quirrell, if I am not mistaken) and I am sorry I did not inform you that I wasn't interested in the job.
As always, I truly appreciate you words of support and encouragement. It is
London 1st September 1991
As every 1st September I found myself thinking of my years at Hogwarts. Usually I put all my efforts into thinking of something else, but I've just realised that this should be James' son first year at Hogwarts. I haven't seen him since he was barely one year old.
I think I should have gone and seen him during all these years, but
London 18th September 1991
I hope you understood why I did not answer when you offered me a teaching job at Hogwarts.
It is too painful. If I close my eyes here, in my house, I can see how my life was ten years ago. I can see Peter, James and Lily. And Sirius. And when I open my eyes and see nothing but dust and darkness my heart aches. At Hogwarts it would be much worse.
It is the same reason why I have never gone and seen Harry. It is the same reason why I have tried to forget that he even existed (I tried, but I didn't succeed).
People always say that bad things happen for a reason. That in the end you will forgive. That in the end you will understand.
Well, I have not forgiven or understood at all. It
London 12th October 1991
If I consider my life I see it as a large amount of failures.
I am a werewolf (which had almost ceased to be a problem during my school years, but now hurts more than ever).
I am totally, completely alone.
People pity on me (I think that is the reason why you offered me that job. I'm sure you know a lot of people who are much more qualified than I am).
I used to have three friends, three brothers. Two are dead. And I don't want to think about the third one.
I know there is a little boy there in Hogwarts whom I should meet. Who I should talk to.
James would tell me off for all this. He would scream that I should stop whining and do something. Like find a better job. Like go out with some friends. Like go to Hogwarts to talk to his son.
But the truth is that I am a coward, Headmaster. I do not have courage enough to look at that boy in his eyes. I don't even have courage enough to post this letter
London 16th November 1991
How is Harry Potter? Do his eyes shine when he smiles like his mother's? Does he rub his hair every second like his father? Is he brave? Is he shy? Has he got friends? Does he pull out pranks? Yesterday I met Dedalus and he told me that Harry incredibly looks like James but he has Lily's eyes. Is it true?
Did Lily's sister treat him good? Does he remember his parents? Did anyone talk to him about them? Does he know how much they loved him? Does he know that they gave their life for him? Is he a Gryffindor, like
Castle of Hogwarts 23rd December 1991
As every year I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas.
I am deeply sorry you have not answered my previous letters and I am even quite worried, Remus. Dedalus said that he met you in November and did not get a good impression of how you were doing.
Remember that every time you need a helping hand, this place will always be your home and these people will always be your family. Never forget it.
I thought you might be interested in knowing something about little Harry Potter. He has been Sorted into Gryffindor, like his mother and his father. He is an incredibly gifted young boy: he has James' brains and Lily's heart.
Hoping to hear from you soon
PS Professor McGonagall wishes you a Merry Christmas as well.
London 25th December 1991
Thanks for your letter (please, thank Professor McGonagall as well).
And thanks for all you have done in these years. Thanks for your constant encouragement and care. Thanks for everything.
In my whole life I have always thought that there are some wounds that time cannot heal. However, your last letter made me think that maybe there's still hope. That maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
My hope is that young boy, Headmaster.
Exactly eleven years ago I was celebrating Christmas in a cosy kitchen in Godric's Hollow. We were all happy and cheerful, unaware of what would have happened less than a year later.
We were trying to imagine Harry's life. James, Sirius and Peter were sure he would have been a Gryffindor. Lily and I said that we didn't care. Then James said that he wished Harry were like Lily and Lily said that she wished he were like James. We all laughed, and then Sirius said that the perfect mix would have been James' brains and Lily's heart.
They are the very same things you said in your letter.
Harry has his father's brains and his mother's heart. This gives light to my darkness.
Remus J. Lupin
PS About that teaching job... I don't know why, but I have a strange feeling that the DADA position will be free soon again. Maybe in two or three years I'll find corauge enough to face Hogwarts.
And to meet Harry.
A/N I hope you liked this. The idea came suddendly and I had to write it.
Please, tell me what you think about it!
And, of course, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!