Alright, admittedly when I wrote this I had had WAAAAAAAAY too much coffee. And I was borewd. SO I'll understand if nobody likes it. i'm beginning to doubt my sanity anyway.
Disclaimer: As much as I would like to do a biology project on Nimrod, I cannot, because he is not my character :( he is owned by the Pate brothers and nobody else. Dangit.
Is it working?
I don't know.
Dude, the light's on. It's working.
Dude, I don't see a light.
Its right there Phil! I'm staring at it!
Oh, right. That red one?
Yes, the red one.
How do you know its working? It could be, like, low battery or whatever.
Give me that!
Okay. Three, two, one…you're on Miles.
Hey all, this is Miles Barnett coming to you from the Barnett house in Wilmington, North Carolina. We're here today to film my biology project…what fun! Behind the camera is my good friend Phil Nace…
Phil, get your hand out of the camera!
We can edit it out man, it's cool.
Anyway, this is me filming my biology project. So let's go meet him…
Everybody say hi to my biology project…Nimrod!
Hey boy…smile at the camera.
No, no Nim…!
Sorry man. I didn't know he'd zap your camera.
That's okay…are you recording?
Oh, yeah…go ahead.
Right, sorry guys, Nim gets a bit riled up sometimes. Now, let's talk about how Nim works…
Dude, he's not a FWD.
Nimrod is what we call an unclassified marine vertebrate. This means he doesn't have a scientific name yet. We just thought he was an iguana when we found his egg in the water.
And iguana that ate live fish. And poodles.
Thanks Phil. Anyway, when he was a hatchling we trained him using iguana books and dog training guides. Watch this…
Good boy Nim. That was all okay for a while, but when he started zapping his food we knew he was special. See, Nim has special cells in his body that polarise at the same time, creating an electric current like eels. He uses this to catch his food and defend himself.
Living taser dude.
Right, no talking.
He also has these huge sharp claws at the end of his feet, which could dent concrete. His teeth are like needles, and can grind through bone like a tiger. You wouldn't want to be around him when he's hungry, basically.
The most amazing thing about Nimrod is that he can heal himself. You could shoot him several times and he still won't die.
That's awesome. Like Highlander.
Phil! What did I tell you…?
Yea, yeah, no talking. Whatever. Should we change location?
Fine, but I am so never letting you use that camera ever again.
Says he who broke my Nintendo in grade six.
You broke the head of my giganotosaurus in grade four!
You still owe me a phone.
Just shut the damn thing off already.
Okay, here we are in my room, where I'm going to talk about Nim some more. Let's measure him.
tape measure zip
Says here Nim is currently a metre long. And he's only a year old. These creatures grow faster than any other creature, achieving the size of a whale in about three years. They can live up to about 60-70 years from what estimate data shows. Uh…
Say what he eats, dude.
Right. Nim is what's called an omnivore. He eats everything, plant or food, but he likes fish and salt the best. He also ate some of my Mum's birthday cake last year, and he seemed to enjoy that…
Going off track there, Holmes.
Moving on…because of all his cool talents, Nim is top of the food chain. He is what people call an invasive species, because he basically invades a habitat and takes it over. What an ecological disaster! But thankfully, Nimrod isn't so bad. He mostly hangs out in the aquarium where I work.
Hey everybody, welcome to the North Carolina Aquarium. This is my friend Caitlin, who helps run the place.
Uh, Miles, what's with Spielberg over there?
I'm filming my biology project. Its about Nimrod.
Hey Caitlin. How's it going?
Uh, can we get back to the project? I have to be home by five.
So, Caitlin, what can you tell us about this amazing creature?
Well, it's big and green and it leaves slime trails all over my nice, clean aquarium floor.
Oh yeah, he's got freaky deaky eyes. He keeps staring at me…a lot like your Mom.
We can edit that out before she sees it, right?
No, Miles, I'm serious. If your Mom doesn't stop watching me like a hawk whenever I go to your bedroom, I am going to have to resort to drastic measures. Like actually doing something.
Sorry Miles. But your Mom is a bit OTT.
That's it. We've leaving.
See you tonight!
Oooh, little action going on there dude?
Lay off man…
I still can't believe you managed to get to first base with a non-amphibian.
That's it! Give me that cam-
Hey again everybody, Miles again. Now we've here interviewing Dr. Laura Daughtery, whom I am sure you all recognise from the Countdown report on a new species. Hey Laura, thanks for helping me out.
That's okay…what's this for again?
A biology project. About Nimrod.
Oh, right…okay, what do you want to know?
First off, how did you first find out about the creatures?
Well, I was on a dive one day to check out the hot vents down at the bottom of the seabed. I was gathering information to support the theory that the hot vent ecosystems were the origin of all life on the planet. On the way down, I found a field of craters. I was going down one when my dept gauge started going up, and I realised something was coming up beneath me…
How far down was that?
5000 feet. The creatures seemed to thrive on heat, and where better to find it than hot vents?
What did you do then?
I was taken in for questioning by other scientists. When they refused to tell me what they knew about the creature, I tried to gather information. They framed me for plagiarism and tried to discredit me, eventually breaking into my house and trying to kill me on a few occasions.
Wow dude! Total drama! You are so getting an A on this!
So what did you find out about the creatures?
They are actually man made creations, the project of a secret firm…their DNA is made out of several other animals, and many of the genes were manufactured by genius scientists.
And their plans were the cause of the 2005 tsunami?
We believed so.
What did you do after the tsunami, Dr?
Well, first we-
Dude, I am so sorry the battery ran out. I swear I charged it this morning…
Whatever Phil, It's cool. We'll edit out that bit. Let's get back to the program.
Right, now we're getting close to the end of the show, we'd better explain some stuff about how the creatures live. As Laura said, they live down in the hot spots underwater. They can survive in cold weather, but Nim likes spending more time under my doona.
Remember that one Christmas when we found him in the oven with the turkey?
Yeah…Mom killed me for that too. Nim can live in and out of the ocean, but he tends to stick to water the most now that he's bigger and all…
That thing used to sleep in your bed dude.
Okay, we are so editing that out.
Anyway…a baby Nim is like a duckling…
Cute, fluffy and harmless?
Savannah! Get out of my film! Baby ducks imprint on their-
Oh, you're filming? Have Frodo and Bilbo been killed yet?
Ha ha, very funny. Now scram, sis.
I seriously don't think the entire world wants to hear about your amazing iguana.
Don't worry Nim, she didn't mean it.
I'm so getting out of here before you start the baby talk…
Dude, you're sister is hot.
Dude! That's so gross! You are not going to hook up with the devil spawn!
I bet she secretly digs me.
slap on head
You're delusional, bro. Hey, did you turn the camera off?
Hey peeps, its Phil here. Miles has gone off to get some cable or whatever, so we can upload this baby. While he's gone, I thought I'd do a little one on one, a take on my story. Like, I found little Nim too…I think I deserve some cred.
So, like, we were on this boat one night with Tim Hudson, cos he pinched his dad's boat. Total rebel! It was a real rad ride, but then Miles started screamin' that there was something in the water….we all though he was being a wuss. Anyways, next night me and him go to check it out, and we find this whole bunch of eggs, then we hide one in his fish tank. Like, two days later, the tank breaks and the little critter escapes. We tried to keep it for a while, but he wasn't eating. Then I had the fantastic idea of giving his live fish. Yeah, I know, genius right? Anywho, Miles started getting all weirdo on me. He spent, like, every second of the day with that critter. I seriously did not want to know what was going on with them. Then he gets his leg bitten and goes all freaky deaky critter on me, so I have no idea what's goin' on with him. I cared about Nim too, y'know. I even stole a car for that critter. Yeah, I know, all you chicks are drooling over me by now. If you want to see more, my number is 557-
Phil! What are you-
Hey everybody, Miles again. Phil's gone home, so I'm just sitting in my room ready to upload this film and hand it in. Maybe I can put in some subliminal messaging….Mr. Fisher, give me an A+! A+….
Yeah, Nim. Shut up, I know you're there. I'm gonna feed you in a second! Fine…
Happy now? Sorry about that. Nim can be a pain sometimes. But you know what, even if he is a pain, he's like family. He was there when I though nobody understood me. He was like…I don't know, the brother I never had or something. Everyone thought he was just a pet, a biology project. But he's not. He's more than that.
long nostalgic pause
This is Nim and Miles, and this is my biology project. Over and out.
dramatic Surface theme music
(Da da da da, da da da da…)
Film made by Miles Barnett.
Filmed by Phil Nace.
Starring Nimrod the iguana, Caitlin Blume, Savannah Barnett and Laura Daughtery.
Music by Miles.
Special FX by Miles.
Script by waterdragon719 (a very close personal friend of Miles…)
Coffee served (and drunk) by waterdragon719 (as you can see by this script.)
Reviews posted by loved members of the Fanfiction Community! Now press that little button down there so Miles can get him A+!