A/N: I got this idea a full three minutes ago, while ogling Gaara from Naruto. I wanted to write a Christmas fic, with Artemis, because no matter how smexy Gaara is, Artemis is always better. Gah! I just ADORE evil boys! XD

Yeah, Arty has such a lovely vocabulary for a five year old. Let us not forget he's a genius. Don't argue with me!

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. EC does, though sometimes I wish he didn't…

It was with a great amount of puzzlement that Artemis Fowl the Second found himself standing with his mother, in line to see Santa Clause.

His five-year-old mind couldn't comprehend why his own Mother, who should know better, would force him into sitting on a strangers lap and telling them what he wanted for Christmas. If this man was who he so cheerfully claimed to be, shouldn't he know already? His Mother did know Santa wasn't real didn't she?

Surely she was old enough to realize how scientifically impossible it would be for a 60 year old fat man and a herd of deer to visit every home in every country on the entire planet in a single night? Not to mention how heavy and LARGE the sack of toys would be. How could you fit so many items inside one small sack?

It was impossible and Artemis had no time for such childish fiction.

"Mother, there is no need for us to be here. " He said coolly, looking up at the woman, who looked so positively happy to be here.

Mrs Fowl looked down at her son and smiled sweetly, little Artemis glowered back at her.

"Arty darling, don't you want to see Santa? Double check your presents will be under the tree?"

"Hardly, I already know you and Father are buying what I asked for. This person couldn't possibly afford what I want anyway. Why should I ask a complete stranger?"

Butler, who stood behind the pair, silently agreed with his young Master, he was all for letting children believe in Santa, but letting Master Artemis sit on the mans knee was something that didn't sit right with the bodyguard. Weren't most of these Santa's paedophiles?

Mrs Fowl however brushed off her sons reply and ruffled his hair fondly; Artemis glared at her in annoyance.

"Don't be such a sour puss. Let's get into the Christmas spirit, look we're next."

Artemis tried to stand his ground, but he was only five and his mother was far stronger. He looked over his shoulder, up at Butler for some help. The manservant followed the pair.

"Madam Fowl, do you think it wise to let this man touch Master Artemis? I mean…"

"Nonsense Butler, Santa isn't a criminal, he's as pure as the snow! Come on Arty."

'Arty' reluctantly allowed his mother to lead him up the stairs and over to the man sitting on a red and gold thrown. Artemis found this silly; he wasn't royalty, why did he get to sit on a thrown?

"Ho, ho, ho! Hello there little boy." Said Santa cheerfully, waving at Artemis. Artemis glared at him with as much venom he could muster at such a young age, which was quite a lot.

His mother stepped back and Butler was forced to stand with her, though he sent a meaningful glare at Santa. A young girl, dressed as a whored up elf, took Artemis' hand and led him the rest of the way up to Santa's thrown. She picked him up and placed the child on the jolly mans lap.

"And what's your name little boy?"

Artemis stared at him, unimpressed.

"Shouldn't you know?" he answered.

Santa smiled, seemingly unfazed, and put a gloved hand on Artemis' shoulder. On the sidelines, Butler twitched. Santa glanced at Mrs Fowl, who mouthed the name "Artemis" to him.

"Of course, your name is Artemis. What a great name!"

"My mother just told you. I can see her reflection in the plastic Christmas tree beside you."



The two stared at eachother for a moment. Then Santa gathered himself and forced a smile.

"And what do you want for Christmas Artemis?"

"Nothing you could afford I'm sure." Was the cold reply, the boy continued to glare.

"You know, if you continue to be rude, you may get coal. You don't want that do you? You want to be a nice polite little boy. I know you're capable of it."

Artemis stared up at him; he could see the lining to the fake beard and the shallow cheeks beneath it, Santa indeed. This man was a fake, as he'd expected.

"I'll be getting exactly what I asked for, regardless of my behaviour, because my Father will buy it for me. I do not believe in Santa, I know that he is not real; I've seen Butler put the gifts under the tree last Christmas. You are a fake."

Santa's eye twitched.

"Alright Artemis, I'll tell you the truth, but you have to sware to keep it a secret, alright?"

Curious despite himself, Artemis leaned in a little closer to hear this 'secret'.

"I'm not Santa, I am a fake, all of the Santa's in the malls are fakes." Said the man, Artemis nodded he'd known this already. "The REAL Santa is at the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas Eve. We just work for him, gather information. When we've seen all the kids, we send him the info via a privet network on the internet. The list is all on a database in the North Pole."

Artemis stared at him, it all sounded quite plausible. Informants, computers and databases were not the makings of children's fairytales it was science and technology.

"Then how does he get around the Earth in one night?" asked the little boy.

Not missing a beat the Santa Agent said in a secretive tone.

"He sends out dispatcher's all over the world. They put the packaged toys on the front door step for the parents to pick up and put under the tree. That's why some kids see their mum's and dads and NOT the Big Guy."

This all seemed logical.

"But is there a Santa?" asked Artemis.

"Of course, he's the CEO of our business! Every organization needs a boss, he started it all, he lives in a secret base in the North Pole, and it's a secret so no one can steal anything. We have some sophisticated technology at our base. Think of it like Area 51. You know about Area 51 don't you?"

The child nodded, slightly entranced by the story.

"What about elves?"

"No elves, just your normal workers. We don't make the toys; not anymore, we buy them. I mean you can't make a TV with a hammer and nails."

Artemis nodded again, blue eyes wide with interest. The Santa Agent nodded in satisfaction.

"So now you know, that's the big secret. Now then, Artemis, what would you like for Christmas? Remember, I have to file my report and if I don't know… the North Pole won't either."

A small wave of panic rushed through his tiny body as Artemis gave a start.

"Mother wants me to get toys, but I really want a microscope, new computer… (gah… I don't know what kind of smarty stuff he'd want… make it up yourself…)

Santa nodded and tapped the side of his nose.

"Recorded, I'll let the big guy know so he can order them. Now remember this is our little secret Artemis. Don't tell anyone else."

"Alright." Said Artemis, hopping off the mans knee and walking over to his mother, who beamed at him, Artemis smiled innocently back.

"Well, did you tell Santa what you wanted?" she asked cheerfully as the left the display.

"Yes Mother." He answered.

"Wonderful! I'm so proud of you darling, now lets go get you a present for being such a good boy!"

Artemis agreed, taking Butler's hand, his brilliant little mind working over what he had learned. When he got home, he'd take out every map of the North Pole in the Manor and find this factory.

It could only stay hidden for so long.

He smiled.

E/N: Well there you go; you can imagine his smile being one of evil, gotta love his Vampire Smile. Not my best work, but I was bored and wanted to write a fic about Arty seeing a Mall Santa.

Hope you enjoyed.

Review please, and Happy Christmas or whatever you celebrate!