KM: Okay, first off thanks to the lovely and humorous Amanita Jackson for wanting to do this with me. I hope the rest of you readers enjoy it, if not add three shots of vodka, gin or whatever gets your rocks and try it again.
AJ: (I write much longer A/N's than Kos-Mos does. We'll all get over this, I'm sure.) Well, see, my friend Fiona showed me this site: http / w w w . misssandman . com / PPC / ppc . h t m l and I just had to try it out. There are already a bunch of people patrolling the Harry Potter fandom and and so my next thought was "Covenant! Ooh! I bet Kos-Mos will agree to do something like this; she likes crazy funny shit and hates Mary Sues!"
So. Um. Yeah. (fiddles nervously) We kill a Sue I found right here on fanfiction dot net. I, being me, am slightly worried about this but not worried enough to not post this piece of total win. Because this really is made of win, this whole Sue-assassin idea. Seriously, click on that link!
So. If this is your OC, I'm sort of sorry, but you still unleashed a Sue and she must be dealt with. This is divine judgment on your character, not you. That said, I'm not trying to infringe on her intellectual property. I don't think this counts as plagiarism...I mean, we're not saying we came up with the Sue or anything. I just. You know. Clicked on the first Sue story I found and we wrote this. Kos-Mos is super special awesome for doing this with me (yes, okay, I watch the Abridged Series, shutupshutup) and.
Ahh, hell with it! For those of you sick of Sues, enjoy. There will be much more to come. Feedback of all sorts welcome and deeply encouraged:)
There was a console taking up most of the tiny room that served as headquarters for the Covenant Division of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The console was a complicated-looking device, covered with all sorts of buttons, switches, and screens. Kos-Mos gave it a suspicious glare.
"Do you know what the hell we're supposed to do with this?" She waved at the annoying machine.
Amanita peered at the lengthy instruction sheet they'd been given. "It looks like that one red thing lights up when a new Mary Sue report comes through. Then--" she flipped through the pieces of paper, squinting at the messy scrawl. "Does this say 'portal'?" Amanita tapped a particularly illegible phrase.
Kos-Mos tilted her head. "Yeah, sure. Why not. "Portal", "Porno" it's all the same to me."
"Dammit, I cannot read these stupid instructions."
"Yeash, when they said they were "Scraping the Bowl" for recruits they weren't kiddin'," Kos-Mos reminded her. "The bastard's laughed when I asked about vacation time, and shifts, and lunch breaks."
"Well, maybe we'll have a few minutes to sort things out before we have to go. I haven't even looked in our packs yet--"
The console, predictably, chose that moment to blare. Both women jumped.
"Um, I think that's a Sue warning?" Amanita ventured.
Kos-Mos grabbed the two standard issue bags and the snacks (and beer!) she'd swiped from an intern while Amanita poked buttons optimistically.
"Aha!" Amanita crowed.
An oblong doorway unfolded in the air, neatly and without much fuss. The two new recruits felt somewhat cheated.
"What, no money left in the special effect department? " Kos-Mos muttered.
"Hey, dude, come here!" Amanita waved Kos-Mos over to one of the screens before she could kick the doorway. Kos-Mos read the screen.
"Oh hell to the no." Kos-Mos put her hands to her face. "Tell me that someone did not write this. Spenser's a prestigious private boarding school on the North Shore. Of course they don't do standard silly things like reprimand students for ruining their school uniform."
"Or say that stuff to a teacher." Amanita pulled a face. "It's so sad when they try to write clever banter and fail so miserably."
"What happened to the good old days when teacher's used to smack students with textbooks for noting paying attention and threw erasers at you when you mouthed off? God I miss OHS sometimes."
Kos-Mos tossed Amanita a bag and shouldered her own.
"Let's get this bitch."
Amanita grabbed the sheet of official instructions and followed Kos-Mos through.
They experienced a brief moment of disorientation as they stepped through the portal. Amanita was already fishing around in her pack, eager to see what equipment they'd been given, but Kos-Mos was checking out their environment.
"I hate the transfer Sues, well pretty much all Sues together." Kos-Mos groaned, eying the entire quad on the off-chance an OC was hiding among the kids in free period. She glanced down at her clothes. "But I do like these schoolgirl uniforms since I have A NATURAL chest for them."
Amanita nodded absently.
"So, first things first." Kos-Mos rubbed her hands together. "Since canon is full of ridiculously hot extras, we'll have to be looking for an annoying chick who acts like Reid and wears the most gothic outfit EVER."
"Actually..." Amanita extracted a Canon Analysis Device (3.0), complete with fic-feed for the newbies who had not yet realized they could read the story whilst inside (read: Kos-Mos and Amanita).
She turned in a slow circle, Device held at arm's length.
"It seems to work like a Geiger counter," Amanita said as the Analysis Device pinged. As she pivoted to face a particular wing of the school, the pinging escalated in frequency and decibel level. Amanita hurriedly muted it, then checked the feed.
"So...they're in the cafeteria right now. We're at the second chapter..."
Amanita scrolled through the story.
Kos-Mos was trying to decide between the shiv and the handgun as her weapon of choice for this case. She went with the shiv with the serrated edge she swiped from the Prison Break fandom a week ago.
"Wanna grab some chow before we kill the Sue?" she suggested, stowing the gun back in her bag with a loving pat.
Amanita shook her head, flicking through their instruction packet. "It says we can't kill her until we've read her rights. It also says there has to be a clear breach of canon before we can engage. Bugger."
Kos-Mos swore, a statement which the geniuses and politically correct happy geeks at will more then likely bolt out with 's.
"Oh well. Wanna get lunch anyway? Like my poppy always says "One can never have beer on an empty stomach."
They sat a few tables away from the Covenant gang and the Sue, shoving a few freshman out of the way.
"The cafeteria isn't even mentioned in canon, so we can pretty much do what we want, within reason," Amanita decided.
"That and they're freshman," Kos-Mos added. Amanita agreed. They munched on fruit, fries, and chips as they eavesdropped on the Sue's conversation.
Amanita had taken a pen and a notebook from her bag and was busy scribbling a list of the Sue's infractions. They mounted as the conversation went on.
Kos-Mos snorted as Reid whooped about having gym class with the Sue.
"Does that count as a breach of canon? Cos I'm pretty sure that they were on the swim team."
"I don't think so...I mean, it's not specifically stated in the movie, is it?"
The two girls struggled to recall.
"I don't think they say specifically that it's a swim team, but it's damn well implied. Can we kill her now?" Kos-Mos' hand twitched. "Pleeeease?"
"Wait, wait. Here--she breaches canon officially in chapter eight. See? Tyler's going to attack her, only it's Chase possessing people— "
"WHAT? That bitch stole my idea? It's on now!"
"...Oh, and there's telepathy coming up in a few chapters and that's definitely not canon."
"Duh, if those boys could read minds they would've got in each other's pants a LONG time ago. But her idea is still inside the realm of possibility and considered possible, damn it all. When we get back, I'm twisting that stupid sunflower's leaves until we get some looser restrictions. Covenant canon is looser then a censors, yet again and it doesn't get any looser then that."
Amanita nodded vigorously, still scanning the text.
"Urgh!" She grimaced and shoved the fic-feed at Kos-Mos. "Look."
Kos-Mos thumped her head on the table.
"Ok, so she marched up to Reid and 'grabbed him by the chin, pulling his face closer' to see if his eyes were black. You can't pull someone closer by their fucking chin! And what's the deal with the fight scene? Why would Reid pick someone up by the neck?!" Kos-Mos drew a hand over her eyes. "I need a drink. Where d'you think we can get some booze around here? I don't wanna break into my stash yet"
Amanita finished scribbling down the charges that resulted from the Sue's lunchtime extravaganza ("Honestly, if foster parents want to get rid of someone, the kid "runs away" or gets sent back into the system. Not sent to a top-notch boarding school that cost an arm and a leg...") and shut the notebook with a snap.
"I dunno. Nicky's?"
"Will that involve walking?"
"No, the instructions say we can portal ahead to various points in the story but clicking the "Next Chapter" button. We can just head to when Tyler's going to attack her. Well, a little bit before. I have to finish writing the list of infractions and you'll have time to get some beer and oogle the boys."
"I approve of this plan." Kos-Mos declared. "Make it so!"
Amanita ignored Kos-Mos' accompanying regal wave and fiddled with the odd-looking bit of hardware that would whisk them away.
They found themselves just outside Nicky's bar and had to leap onto the curb to avoid being mowed down by a rather OOC Reid.
"Fucking OOC drivers!" Both girls yelled, giving the vehicle a two-middle-finger-salute
"Wow, he looks like he's resisting," Kos-Mos commented.
He and Tyler got out of the car, followed shortly by Pogue and Kate.
"Same with them, maybe there's some hope after all" agreed Amanita.
The Sue fell getting out of the car but Reid caught her by the hips before she could hit the ground.
"Oh, there she goes again and he's back under." Amanita shook her head.
"Does she just pick random body parts to hold people by? Or does she honestly think you can hold someone up by the hips?"
"Interfering...with...physics...w/o...approved...methods..." Amanita muttered as she scribbled charges.
The Sue stayed in the same position for a full minute before she realized that someone was holding her up.
"Oh Reid! You're my knight in shining armor!" she cried. The gang laughed heartily. Kos-Mos pretended to (did it anyway 2 seconds later) throw up.
"Hmm." Amanita checked the feed. "Oh, bugger. We're a couple of chapters before the big canon break. Bugger! This is the first time they go to Nicky's. Sorry!"
Kos-Mos grumbled for a bit until Amanita promised to buy her drinks when they reached the right part of the story.
"What's the portal-y thing called, again?" Amanita wondered as she activated it.
"Oh, who cares, she's just gonna bend the rules until— GREAT GOOGA MOOGA, THIS JOINT HAS FRIES!" Kos-Mos made grabby hands at the baskets of french fries lying on the counter near their landing point.
"Don't eat all of them," Amanita warned. Kos-Mos ignored her and began munching on the fried goodness in front of her.
"Thiff iff pre'y gu' ftuff," Kos-Mos informed her through a mouthful of them.
"Don't talk with your mouth full; you sound like an Igor." Amanita scanned the room. "THERE," she shouted suddenly, elbowing Kos-Mos.
Sure enough, the Covenant gang plus the Sue was at a table. The Sue was dumping soda on Aaron and his canonically skeevy date.
"Why do people think that's such a great thing to write? It just looks stupid..." Amanita muttered, absentmindedly snatching a handful of fries from Kos-Mos. Kos-Mos knocked back the rest of her drink and rummaged through her bag for her beloved shiv.
"Do we kill her yet?"
"No...wait...Tyler's randomly going to take her outside after a bit of pool...and look, there she goes!"
"AWW-RIGHT!" Kos-Mos whooped. She then paused, looking thoughtful. "I'm having second thoughts, Ammers. Should I use the gun? And there are a couple of other compact weapon in these things..." She rooted through her bag.
"Let's go outside and then we can decide how to kill her once we've got her in custody." Amanita suggested.
"Works for me." Kos-Mos shrugged.
They trooped outside in time to see the beginning of the Tyler vs Sue Altercation.
"Alexa, let's talk about you," Tyler told the Sue.
The Sue asked him if he was drunk, completely abandoning punctuation. Kos-Mos rolled her eyes.
"What? I don't drink! I'm BABY BOY!" Tyler laughed manically.
Amanita checked her Canon Analysis Device as Tyler attempted to kiss the Sue. She pushed him off and they started to brawl.
[Tyler Simms. Male human. Powered. Canon. 123.767 Character deviation--CHARACTER BREAK. CHARACTER BREAK.
"Oh, sod it. Here come the rest of the boys."
Kos-Mos and Amanita stepped out of the doorway they had been lurking in.
Tyler turned to look at them, the Sue stopped trying to edge back into Nicky's, and Caleb, Pogue, and Reid stopped short.
Kos-Mos leveled her gun menacingly at the Sue, but kept the boys in range.
Amanita held up her notebook.
"Tyler Simms, Reid Garwin, Caleb Danvers, Pogue Perry and Chase Collins, currently inhabiting Mr. Simms. We are the Covenant Department of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Please remain calm and do not attempt to interfere, or Kos-Mos will be forced to shoot you." The boys stopped and gaped.
She half-turned to Kos-Mos. "Not lethally, remember."
"Hell, I wouldn't shoot any of them." Kos-Mos grinned at the boys. "First one that tries something, I'll just tackle his little jailbait ass. Then again, please do try something, honey. I've had a long day."
Amanita snickered and turned back to her charge sheet.
The Sue was staring.
"Um who are you guys and, what di yawant with me?" the Sue asked, fiddling with her baggy black sweatpants. Reid's head snapped up at the sound of her voice and moved to come to her aid. His eyes were noticably glazed. Kos-Mos threw him down and sat on him.
"Mmm teenage boy, offer accepted. "
The Sue shrieked. "Oh no Reid what the are you okay?"
"Alexa Marie Chantey, it is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by bringing Chase back to life, instigating unauthorized possession, disregarding multiple school codes, making up new Power attributes, flagrantly disregarding the timeline, and causing every canon character you've come across to break character, particularly Tyler and Reid."
Amanita took a large breath.
"You have also been charged with several lesser infractions, to whit: bad grammar, vandalism, improper conduct, obnoxious pet names, unlikely and poorly thought out backstory, unnecessary amounts of poorly written angst, having more than one Son of Ipswich lusting after you, and generally being obnoxious. You are convicted of being a Mary Sue, and so condemned to death."
Everyone was staring at her.
"Think that was long enough, hon?" Kos-Mos asked. Reid wheezed and struggled weakly. Kos-Mos whacked him gently with her heel. Amanita flailed, flustered.
"I'm sorry! This is my first real job, I just want to make sure I didn't miss anything!"
"Last words...?" Kos-Mos prompted.
"Oh, yes! Thanks! Bugger, I blow at this. Ahem. Alexa, do you have any last words that are neither nauseatingly sentimental nor stoically cliche and defiant?"
Alexa bit her lip, looking meaningfully from Tyler to Reid.
"I--" the Sue began, but she was cut off when Kos-Mos shot her between the eyes.
With Alexa's influence gone, the boys simply stood about dazed, completely unaware of the assassin's bickering.
"What? She had plenty of time to say something!" Kos-Mos said.
"Yes, but the tradition's called last words. As in more than one," Amanita pointed out. Kos-Mos snorted.
"We'll just keep that in mind for next time, then. Now how do we wipe their memories? Do we get a clicky stick like in MIB?"
"No, but we do have a camera. I think." Amanita motioned for Kos-Mos to get off of Reid. Kos-Mos hauled the boy to his feet and stood him next to Tyler. She draped Tyler's arm around Reid's shoulders, patted Caleb's ass approvingly, and scurried back over to Amanita, who pouted.
"You get all the fun."
"Hey, you can have some too. You need to relax, hon. It's just a job."
"Well, yeah. I suppose."
"Tell you what," Kos-Mos said, slinging an arm around Amanita's shoulders. "Snap 'em, send 'em back inside, then when we get back we'll duck out to whatshisname, Makes-Things, and get some fun gadgets to play with canonically while we're here. Then we'll go demand some looser regulations from that
creepy-ass sunflower. Whaddaya say?"
"Hell yes!" Amanita grinned and snapped the picture. The boys returned to normal, Chase popped into the visible spectrum, and they went back inside to play foosball.
"Next time, we'll only follow the rules that'll really screw us over if they're broken, 'kay?"
"Lovely!" Amanita beamed. "It'll be just like high school!"
Kos-Mos got out the Portal-Maker-Thing (as they had dubbed it) and another oblong doorway appeared. Amanita grabbed her arm.
"Wait! We have to dispose of the Sue's body!" Amanita dragged it towards the portal. "Let's stick it in an alleyway in Springfield. That's Mafia territory; no one'll notice another body!"
"Those lucky bastards with the massive fantasy worlds have it so easy," Amanita grumbled as they finally returned to their station. "They have these huge, carefully constructed worlds with multiple races and huge, sweeping, epic plots in which canon is much easier to break. And they have fun ways of disposing of the bodies."
"Aw, cheer up hon." Kos-Mos patted her head. "I'm sure we can find some way of amusing ourselves. And look at the bright side! We have the entire fandom to ourselves."
"So? Doesn't that just mean more work?"
"Yes, but it also means we have exclusive jurisdiction over the Covenant's Bad Slash Department. And I don't need to tell you what that means." Kos-Mos waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Amanita perked up considerably. "Oooh! Slash! Can we watch? Pleeeease?"
"Atta girl. Now, shall we go find some sustenance and then find that scrawny inventor dude so we can get a camera?"
They hurried off, hoping to get their errands done before another Sue popped up.