So a friend and I were talking the other night, and we decided it was time to make a different kind of fic. Something not so fluffy. Something not so happy. Here is is... It's sad, I won't lie. And if you are the type of person like me, who will walk around for three days with their hands in the air yelling Why? Why? Then you shouldn't read it. It is traumatic and tragic. You have been warned!

We were going to talk. I made the step. It scared me to death, but I did it. I told him I didn't want him to date anyone else but me. I said we would talk the next day. And here it was the next day and we haven't. Not because I couldn't. Because I haven't seen him. He is always around, but today he is absent. He's on the board for surgery later. And the more the day goes on, the more I want to run and hide.[i

Meredith ended up getting pulled into an emergency surgery. A bowel perforation with Richard Webber. And it seemed to domino from there. One case after another. The talking was pushed off. She saw Derek from down the hallway. She should have went up there, but her pager went off. Another call. Another surgery. Another excuse. And she was quickly losing her nerve.

Minutes turned into hours. She was supposed to be off in a few minutes. Post-op notes and then she was escaping. She wasn't even sure what she was going to do. She mulled it over and over in her head. Should she go to his trailer? Should she just go home? She had no idea what her next move should be.

Just as Meredith flipped the chart shut, she heard them talking. Nurses are helpful. They hold a lot of the hospital's burden. They fix a lot of problems, and they take the dirty jobs. And yet, at this moment, she wasn't liking them. Or at least where they were going with this.

"So... McDreamy is off the market." One of the nurses said. She wasn't even sure. There were so many, and she was guilty of walking over them like they didn't exist.

"He and Grey back together? I'm not surprised." Tyler said frankly. She knew that voice. He had saved her more than she would ever care to admit.

"He and Grey, no... No, Rose. They had a date tonight." The nurse said happily.

"Good for her!" Tyler said with a smirk.

"Yeah. I guess he and Grey are over." The nurse stated frankly. "She couldn't hold him forever. The lack of commitment thing was bound to break them."

"Well, Rose is great." Tyler said with a chuckle. "Should be interesting."

[iDid he just say that? Did they just say that? A date. My Derek. My Derek is on a date with a scrub nurse. I opened my heart to him. And now... Derek wouldn't do that. He's not like that. They have to be lying. But they have no reason to lie. They didn't know she was there. I saw the look. How could I not notice that look? I did notice the look. I ignored the look. He wanted to say something. Maybe I knew. He wanted to say something, and now I know what it was.

Meredith fought the feeling that was jabbing her. The feeling to sink to the floor and collapse. To fall apart. Nausea washed over her as she placed the chart on the stand and stumbled to the locker room. She sat down on the bench and held her stomach. She didn't know whether to laugh, cry or scream. She wanted to do all three. The emotions flowing through her were passing the filter. Nothing was coming out clean. All the pain was going rogue. She didn't know where to start. Or where to end.

"Hey..." Cristina said as she opened her locker. "I'm am so tired of Hahn. Why can't she just realize that I am a better cardio resident than the fifth years? God, I was doing Burke's surgeries." She grumbled as she looked over. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

My life is ending. I'm not even sure what to say. Is it my fault? Is it his? I don't even know. One minute we are a mess. Then we are okay. And then back to mess. I don't know how to respond because I don't even know what I am feeling.

"Derek went on a date." Meredith muttered as she started ahead.

"So." Cristina said with a shrug as she looked at her.

"With a scrub nurse." Meredith added.

"Oh. If that isn't low. He couldn't even go with a doctor." Cristina stated as she rolled her eyes.

"Derek went on a date with a scrub nurse. Rose. Her name is Rose." Meredith said with no emotion as she stared ahead.

"Oh. The one he kissed?" Cristina asked frankly.

"What?" Meredith asked as she whipped her head around.

"Yeah, McDreamy was kissing a nurse in the scrub room. Those nurses even stab their own the back. Yesterday. After surgery." Cristina pointed out as she pulled her shirt over her head.

"You were at my house. You couldn't tell me this? Last night?" Meredith asked in shock as she looked at her.

"Well, I guess I forgot." Cristina said quickly.

"You forgot. How do you forget that?" Meredith snapped as she ripped her shirt off. "How do you forget that your person's...whatever kissed someone else?" Meredith asked with anger in her eyes.

"Sorry." She said with shrug as she stood there.

He kissed her? He kissed the nurse. He kissed her yesterday. And now he asked her on a date. He let me put myself out there, only to mock me. I took a chance, and now I'm an idiot. He let me stand there and tell him. And then he let me walk away. Instead of putting me out of my misery, he pushed me off.

"Do you want to go to Joe's?" Cristina asked as Meredith tied her shoes.

"You think?" Meredith asked as she looked up.

Joe's was busy. It was always busy. That was where everyone went to unwind. When the hospital was a mess, you always knew where everyone would be. Meredith and Cristina grabbed two stools at the bar. Joe did not need to ask. He could see it in her eyes. This was tequila time.

I can't talk about it. Not with her. Not with Izzie, or George. I can't talk. I just can't. Can't talk. Can't eat. Can't drink. I'm not even sure why I am here. I feel like I am slipping. And no one will notice. The only person that ever would is out on a date with a nurse. A nurse. I wonder if she will do all of his favorite things. How can he do this? Why did I say it? Why did I make myself look like such a fool? Why did I even try?

"This must be bad..." Joe pointed out as he motioned to a dazed Meredith.

"Shepherd is on a date." Cristina told him.

"Ouch." He said as he looked over.

"Ass." She spat as she shook her head.

"She's not drinking. It must be bad." Joe said with a nod.

I can hear them. But somehow I am numb. I am unable to react. And I know Cristina. She will go on about it. About how she always knew he was an asshole. I don't need that. Not that I even know what I need. Derek knew. Derek knew, and I pushed him away. And now he was gone. He was really gone.

"I'm going go." Meredith said as she slammed her shot back and looked over.

"Are you okay?" Cristina asked in shock.

"Yeah. I'm just going to go home. I need to be alone." Meredith told them as she shuffled through her wallet.

"Don't worry about it. On the house." Joe said quickly.

"No. I can pay for my drink." She said as she threw down several bills and looked up.

There was a smile. A faint smile between them all. They all knew. It was horrible. She was hurting. But they couldn't say anything. They didn't want to. It was an odd comfortable silence that only lasted seconds before Meredith turned and walked out, the bell dinging. No one noticing her exit.

Meredith climbed into her Jeep. No tears. No smile. No frown. Nothing. She turned on the Jeep and put it in reverse. She didn't know where to go. There was no where to offer her comfort. She placed the car in drive and went. No destination. No end point in mind.

She had no idea how she ended up on the dusty dirt road. Her Jeep jumped around from the many potholes that ran the long drive. Her headlights flashed on the silver trailer. The chief's green trailer was empty. She didn't know where he was. She didn't care. She didn't know why she was there. This place offered her no comfort. This was his home. Not hers. It was never hers.

I need to tell him. I need to confront him. I can't take this pain. He needs to know what he has done. He needs to feel my pain. Or my numbness. Whatever it is at this moment.

Meredith flipped open her center counsel and moved things around. She found the pack. She didn't smoke. She was never a smoker. They were from a one night stand in Boston. He was a smoker. She remembered when her mom warned her when she was child. She showed her the black lung. She told her how bad it was. And yet all she could think was how awesome it would be. A black lung to match her clothes. That was until she tried it. It offered nothing for her. It wasn't that she was heeding her mother's warning. She didn't like it, plain and simple.

What are you doing? You don't smoke. You don't do this. Tonight I do. Tonight is a good night, if any.

Meredith choked as she took a breath in. It was poison. But she was in pain, and poison suited her just fine. Black lungs to match the way her heart was feeling. She looked at herself in the rearview mirror, the red tipped cigarette glowing as she inhaled. It wasn't helping. Nothing offered solace. She quickly stubbed out the cigarette and shoved the lighter in her pocket.

I should go. Why am I here? I should go before he gets her. Talking to him will do nothing. Talking to him... I need to go. Put the car in drive and get the hell out of here before it's too- Shit. Headlights. Chief. I hope it's the chief...

It wasn't the chief. It was the bright blue lights of Derek's BMW. He was home and here she was. In his driveway looking like and idiot. Trapped like prey. Trapped and unable to get out. She was stuck. She swallowed hard as he pulled next to her and parked. Now the anger was coming out. She clenched her jaw as she climbed out of her car.

"Mer... What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he climbed out of his sedan. It was dark, only the light of the moon was illuminating them as they stared at each other.

"You lied to me." Meredith scowled as she stood before him. "You let me go on. And you- You went on a date. I put myself out there and you went on a date with her." She said loudly.

"Mer... I-" Derek said as he looked into her hard green eyes.

"I hate you, Derek. I hate you. Meeting you at Joe's was the worst thing that I have ever done. I was fine. I was happy taking home my one night stands and kicking them out in the morning. And then there was you. You ruined everything. Meeting you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. You were my boss. And I tried. And you pursued me. I let myself fall. And you had a wife. You had a wife and you kept seeing me. We had sex over and over. And you were married. But that wasn't the problem. I fell in love with you. And I begged you to pick me. I made myself look like a fool, begging you. And you picked her. You crushed me. You picked her. And then you hated me because I dated Finn! How dare you do that, Derek to me. And I caved. And... You turned me into a whore. An adulterous whore. You- I hate you, Derek Shepherd! I hate you for making me love you!" She yelled in his face.

"Meredith... I-" Derek stammered in shock.

He was shocked. Shock that she was sharing her feelings. Shocked that she was letting it all out. He had never seen her so full of passion as she stood there and poured her feelings out. He didn't even know what to say to all of that. He just stood there and stared.

"Do you like her?" Meredith asked frankly as she got in his face. He could feel the anger radiating off of her from where he was standing

"Mer, loving you is painful. It hurts. It's always hurting. I try and you pull. I can't do it. I can't take that pain. You pull away and you wouldn't let me pull you back. And I am tried of trying. It's just too much." Derek admitted quietly. He hurt her. He could see it in her eyes.

"Do you like her?" She repeated again.

"Rose? She's... She's nice. She's an imperfect person." Derek said as he looked into her eyes.

"An imperfect person? What the fuck does that mean?" Meredith yelled. "You kissed her. You fucking kissed her. I can't- I put myself out there. I was scared as hell, but I did it for you. I don't know what I want. Or when I want it. Maybe in a week. Maybe in five years. And if she is what you want... If you think she could- Just- If you loved me... You would have waited, Derek. If you loved me, you would have waited forever. But you didn't. You kissed her. You were the only person in my life that I trusted. The first man I loved. And you dropped that. You let me down. You don't love me. The only person I ever thought would be there for me gave up. And I- It's- Have a good life, Derek." Meredith said as she turned away from him.

Derek looked at her as she turned. It hit him. She was right. She was right. For a split second, he gave up. He gave into temptation. And how she was walking away. He couldn't let her go. He could never let her go. She was always there. Always in his mind. Always in his heart. He reached out for her. He couldn't go.

"Meredith! I- I'm sorry. You're right. I hurt you. Over and over again. And I am sorry for that. I gave up. Not just on you, but on myself. I need you. When you needed me, I gave up. I love you. I made a mistake. I don't want to give this up." Derek said in desperation as he held her soft arms in his strong hands.

"Derek... I can't." She admitted as she pulled away.

"Please. You- You did it. You talked. That's all I need. I just need communication. You are the love of my life. I can't stop loving you. I try. I tried. You are in my heart and you won't leave. And I don't want you to. You're right. I gave up. But I will never give up again. Please..." Derek asked as he pulled her close.

"Derek-" She said as he tipped her head and kissed her softly.

She closed her eyes. It was soft and light. Like they had done so many times before. But this was different. She could feel the need. She could feel their hearts connecting with their lips. She pulled away and stared into those deep blue eyes. The ones that have always been able to pull her in.

"Come in. Talk. We need to do that. We need to talk. I love you. And I want to make it work. I want to wait for you..." Derek said as he pulled her hand. She nodded softly as he pulled her to the door. They climbed the small porch and walked up to the door. "Shit." He said as he fumbled with his keys in the dark. "I forgot to turn the light on." He said as he jabbed the lock.

"I need to get my phone. Here... Use this." She yelled as she tossed the lighter from her pocket.

"Thanks." Derek said as he caught it.

He never knew. No one saw it coming. Derek flipped the lighter. Such a simple task. It was so fast. He never saw it coming. One minute, he and Meredith were good. It was so fast. They loved each other. So fast. They were going to make it work. So fast. They were going to talk. He was there. In a split second, it changed. It changed, and then he was gone.

Meredith didn't know what hit her. She was walking to her car. To get her purse. Just a simple thing. And her feet went out from under her. The explosion popped her eardrums as she flew. Her face hit the stones with force. Everything went black as she laid there. It was all over. Just like that he was gone.

Meredith pulled herself off of the ground. She was disoriented. She didn't feel the pain in her hands. She couldn't feel the imbedded rock in her face. She couldn't feel anything. She climbed from her knees to her feet and looked around. Her stomach dropped as it hit her.

Cut my life into pieces

This is my last resort,

Suffocation no breathing

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

Pink mist. That's what they call it. She should know. She'd seen it before. Derek was there, before her eyes. And now there was nothing. He was gone. Literally gone. Her eyes numbly watched the burning trailer. She couldn't move. He was gone. He was gone. No moving on. No moving forward.

For the first time in her life, she was feeling loved. The kiss. She felt it in the kiss. She was willing to give herself up to him. And now it was gone. It was stolen from her. She stood there and watched the flames, small explosions going off. No where to go. Nothing to do.

What was life? What was it worth? It was worth nothing. Not alone. She couldn't do it alone. The pain started to rise. The reality set in. He loved her. And now he was gone. She was alone, once again. No one was left for her. She was alone. It was choking her. She couldn't do it. She couldn't.

Cut my life into pieces

I've reached my last resort,

Suffocation no breathing

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die pleading

Would it be wrong, would it be right

If I took my life tonight,

Chances are that I might

Mutilation outa sight

and I'm contemplating suicide

The tears fell. She couldn't breath. She loved and she lost. He was gone. He took her. He left and he took her with him. Any part of her that mattered was with him. Any part that she needed to go on was now gone. Taken with him. Taken with him to the depths.

Meredith walked to her Jeep. She couldn't go on. It felt so heavy. Weighing her down. She couldn't go on. Not without him. It hurt. It all hurt. The rocks in her face and hands were nothing. Nothing compared to the pain in her heart. Can't go on. No reason why. No reason to try.

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright, nothing is fine

I'm running and I'm crying

The Jeep fired loudly as she turned the key. No where to go but down. No where to go but down, you see. She couldn't take it, not alone. She killed him. She handed him the lighter. She fueled the fire. She killed him and took him from herself. Like all others. She took her mother and she took him.

I never realized I was spread too thin

Till it was too late and I was empty within

Hungry, feeding on my chaos and living in sin

Downward spiral, where do i begin

It all started when i lost my mother

No love for myself and no love for another

Searching to find a love upon a higher level

finding nothing but QUESTIONS AND DEVILS

Meredith didn't look as she drove along. It was fast. It was slow. She didn't know. Through the grass, her tires rolled. She hadn't been out there in a long time. But this was it. It was that point. The breaking point. Time to give up. The tears flowed as she sobbed. Her headlights bounced in the distance.

"Oh god, why?" She cried out. "I needed him. He saved me. He saved me from myself. And now I have no one. No reason. Why?" She yelled as she slammed her hands on the steering wheel.

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Nothing's alright, nothing is fine

I'm running and I'm crying

There it was. Off in the distance. He brought her out there once. It was murky. It was dirty. Just a pond. He thought it was at least fifteen feet deep. Deep enough, it seemed. Meredith took a deep breath as she hit the gas pedal. All the way down. Down to the floor. The Jeep sped along, bouncing madly she neared. She hit a small hill as it flew.

I can't go on living this way

Cut my life into pieces

This is my last resort,

Suffocation no breathing

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

She let go. Right then, she let go. The point of impact. It hit the water and she let go. She sat there numb as it bobbed and bounced. She could hear it gushing around her. Slow. It was painfully slow. She laid her head back and sobbed as she felt the water pouring in, stinging her face. The blood trickled down her face as the embedded stones dug into her.

Ever since I was little, I had a love affair with water. So cold. So hot. So consistent. It was more of a temptation. So relaxing. Calming. It's still. Everything remains on the surface. All your problems stay up there while you remain in a perfect silence below. Everything disappears while you relax in a quiet perfection.

It's always been easy for me to just stay there. It didn't matter where. In the bathtub, it is so easy to just sink below the surface. Down into the warm water, and forget everything. In the pool, if you are lucky, you can stay down and be forgotten. I would stay there until the moment when it was almost too late. Until that moment when life ceases and you disappear forever. Never knowing if you were forgotten or missed. Just gone.

I always knew I would die in the water. I never told Derek that. The day I drowned in Elliot Bay, he was tampering with fate. I was supposed to drown. I was supposed to die. My near-death experience was in my mind. It had to be. No one would send a person back to this. Not to lose everything. I was supposed to disappear. But his arms pulled me out. I should have died. If I had, he wouldn't have suffered. If I had, he'd be here. But he's not. It's over. He was the first person I ever loved. And all I did was cause him pain. He was the first person I loved. And he would be my last. This was my last resort...

I know... I know. Please, if you or someone you know ever feels that way, don't give up. You only get once chance. Suicide is not a joke.

The song was "Last Resort" By Papa Roach.

And now, I PROMISE I will never ever kill Meredith and Derek again. Forbidden, WAMN and ADC are safe! Absolutely no killing Mer and Der in any of those fics, or any other. No reason to, it's been done!!!